5. A Completely Normal Family Dinner
A Completely Normal Family Dinner
SAM
“You sure you don’t want another one, honey?” Mom pushed the plate of burgers at me. The concern on her face made my stomach hurt.
“I’m full, Mom. But thank you.”
She ran her fingers over her pearls, her eyebrows slanted in worry. She’d dressed up for dinner, which made me feel worse. I wished we could have a normal, casual meal instead of her going to all this trouble like she did every month.
“You sure?” Mom asked.
I felt itchy. All over. Maybe I was developing hives. I’d never had hives. “Yup. I’m good.”
“He’s full, Mom,” Cora chorused from the computer.
Okay, admittedly, ‘normal family dinner’ left the chat ages ago, when Mom nearly had a breakdown after Cora and her husband announced they were moving overseas for Tristan’s job—the reason the number Sarah would have given Ellie didn’t work.
Shortly after, my situation actually did put Mom in the hospital for a couple of days.
It was very on brand for our mother. Still, it wracked me with guilt.
After I was back home, I’d stayed in my childhood bedroom for a couple of months, but left probably before I should have just to get some breathing room.
As a concession, I’d told Mom I’d come for weekly dinners.
When Cora found out, she’d offered to join via video, which was ridiculous, considering the time difference.
But it was a relief to have her there, and surprisingly, it placated Mom, so here we were.
Mom sighed, giving up on shoving burgers down my throat. “Okay, then. I’ll go get dessert.”
On screen, Cora flopped back in her chair. Tristan yawned.
“How are you guys doing?” I asked, since Dad had gotten up and was yelling at the TV, where the Red Sox were flailing.
“Oh you know, it’d be nice to be in bed,” Cora said. They were both in their pajamas.
Her husband blinked, his eyes a little red-rimmed. “Got some great shots from the food festival though.”
Tristan was a freelance photographer who often worked for National Geographic. They were based in Singapore, but his job took the two of them all over the world.
“I don’t even want to know how that was,” I said, drooling, even though I truly was stuffed with Mom’s burgers. I could still taste all that street food from when I visited them, just before everything had gone south.
“I’m telling Mom,” Cora said, laughing.
I narrowed my eyes, but couldn’t help smiling.
I missed my little sister. And Tristan, who’d been my best friend since high school, save a few years where we didn’t speak.
Because of Cora. That was all water under the bridge now though.
Cora and Tristan had been the ones to get me home last year.
They did so much for me I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to repay them.
Tristan started listing all the food he’d eaten today while I groaned.
My mirth immediately withered though, when Cora asked how I was doing. “And answer fast, before Mom comes back,” she demanded.
Normally, I was a forthright, heart on my sleeve kind of guy. I didn’t like to lie, and wasn’t actually very good at it. What you saw was what you got. But I hadn’t told anyone about what was going on with me yet. Not a single soul.
Except Ellie’s neighbor.
It had been impossible to lie as I sat there on the stoop trying to sweep up her shit with my hands. My face probably looked exactly as shell-shocked as I’d felt. I remembered him from that orientation night. He was a good guy. At least, that’s what I’d gathered. Talked a lot about his son.
“Turns out I have a son too,” I’d said.
The guy, bless him, hadn’t reacted weirdly. He just nodded. “Oh,” he said. “Congrats.”
That had actually made me laugh. Him too, though he was a little awkward about it. It occurred to me that something might be going on between them. He had a key to her place after all. But when I asked, he’d held his hands out. “Oh, no. Scouts honor.”
I don’t know why I liked that answer. It didn’t matter. I’d written the note and left after that. Which I was fairly certain must have thrown Ellie into a bigger rage, since I hadn’t heard from her. That was three days ago.
Cora was still waiting for me to respond to her ‘how are you really doing’ question.
“I’m totally fine,” I lied. There was no way I was telling her anything with our parents around.
Cora narrowed her eyes. “What’s going on, Sam?”
Luckily a commercial break came on, and Dad wandered back to the table. “Did you get enough burgers, son? Doctors tell me I can’t have these anymore so you should.”
“Oh my God.” Cora buried her face in her hands on screen. “Dad, first of all they said you need to diversify your diet. Not never eat burgers again. Second of all, he’s full.”
“I’m so glad you guys are here to witness this,” I said to Cora and Tristan.
“He can’t be full,” Dad asked, dropping into his chair. “He’s a growing boy.”
I didn’t bother saying anything. For my parents, when I was home it was like time had stopped.
I was, in their mind, a collegiate athlete for life.
Or maybe the teen pennant winner. Whatever it was, I was some kind of golden boy who checked off all their boxes.
Me disappearing as far away as I could for more than a decade seemed to have made no difference.
“The doctor said you need to get outside and get exercise,” Mom said. “For your heart.”
Dad waved her away, even though it sounded kind of important.
But before I could suggest to Dad that I could take him on an easy hike or something, Mom turned her worried face on me.
“Are you really okay, Samuel?” Mom asked. “Philomena says she doesn’t see you much at the office.”
“Why aren’t you at the office?” Dad asked.
I sighed, trying to not feel like a dick as I explained, not for the first time, how my job had allowed me to set up a hybrid arrangement.
I was doing IT work at an automotive parts dealer, thanks to Tristan’s and my high school buddy Brett’s parents, who owned AutoScore.
Unfortunately, my mom was friends with Brett’s mom.
She was a nice lady, but she reported my every move back to Mom.
“It means I can sometimes work from home because of the stuff the physical therapist recommended,” I reminded my dad.
His lips went tight. He didn’t like references to the accident, as he called it. Like I’d gotten into a car wreck or slipped off a curb or something. I knew it was based in concern, and his inability to process emotions. As my therapist would say, anyway.
My phone buzzed.
CORA: STOP IGNORING ME!
I stuffed my phone back in my pocket. Cora glared at me on screen.
“I wrote about your truck on the blog last week,” I said to Dad, ignoring her.
Blogging was a big part of what I did for Brett’s parents.
I used to do that as freelance work when I was living the nomad lifestyle, but all my clients dried up when I vanished on them.
I’d saved up a ton of money doing that while living on a shoestring in other parts of the world, but I’d put it all into my condo when I got home. So auto parts it was.
Dad let out a pleased little huff, then went off about his new truck while I sipped my soda water, glaring back at my sister.
Dad was talking to her too, so she had to smile in between pointed looks at me.
Tristan’s head had drooped onto his chest and he was snoring softly. No one else seemed to have noticed.
My phone buzzed again. And again. I ignored it. Cora and I had perfected the art of texting under the table while keeping neutral expressions above, so despite her smiling at Dad, I knew it was her sending an escalating series of threats to tell her what was happening.
Mom came back in, holding a giant white cake covered in little green frosted leaves.
Happy Half-Birthday Sam! It said on the top.
“Mom!” Cora said, her expression disbelieving. “Really?”
I wished, badly, that I was anywhere else.
My phone buzzed again as Cora and Mom argued about how people didn’t celebrate half birthdays. Dad had gone back to his game.
I pulled out my phone, already preparing my response to Cora in my head.
Yes, there’s something going on. No, I can’t tell you yet, because I don’t know what it means or how to fucking deal with any of it. Once I do, I promise you can have a field day telling me what an idiot I am.
When I glanced down, I saw there were seven texts from my sister, all of them way too many words.
But then my stomach flipped. Because right before those, there were two texts from an unknown number.
“I have to take this,” I said.
Mom and Cora were fully engaged now, and Tristan was actively snoring, his mouth half-open. Dad yelled something at the TV. No one noticed as I got up and headed through the kitchen out the back door.
Outside, the late summer sunset had only just started, the sky beginning to tinge pink and orange over the neighbors’ back yard. It was stunning, but I barely saw it.
I dropped onto the top step of the stairs leading down to the backyard and opened my phone with sweaty fingers.
UNKNOWN: I’m sorry. I freaked out. I didn’t have all the information and I assumed the worst. That wasn’t fair.
UNKNOWN: This is Ellie by the way.
I held the phone in my hand. What the hell did I say? I didn’t want her to be sorry. She had nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who freaked out. I still was freaking out.
At a loss, I hit the call button.
Ellie answered on the second ring. “What is wrong with you?”
“A lot, actually.”
A beat passed. Maybe that didn’t come out funny like I’d meant it to.
“I mean why didn’t you text back like a normal person?” she asked.
“I’m better at talking. And autocorrect hates me. But I could hang up and text you back?”
Another beat passed where I swear I heard the air change. Like maybe she smiled, just the tiniest bit. “No.”
I smiled too, just for a second. “Um, so. How’s Henry?”
“He’s good. He’s asleep.” I heard her hesitation. Then she said, “Sam, I meant what I said. I’m so sorry for how I handled things the other day. I took a bit to reach out because… Well, frankly I’m embarrassed. So, I’m sorry.”
“I don’t accept.”
“You… are you serious? Okay, I guess—”
“No,” I said. “I mean don’t apologize, please.
Take it back.” I ran a hand over my head, looking out over the pink sky.
At the leaves fluttering in the evening breeze.
I could hear the happy shrieks of the neighbor’s kids down the street, the whine of trampoline springs.
“You had a baby. On your own. You thought I abandoned you. I’m surprised you didn’t freak out more, honestly. ”
Ellie said nothing for a moment, then she actually laughed. “I forgot.”
“Forgot what?”
“That I think you might be a good person.”
I didn’t know whether it was true. I didn’t feel like a good person. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the familiar object there. I ran my thumb over its curved edges, over the soft tuft of fluff at the top.
I couldn’t leave her hanging, not the mother of my child.
I squeezed the object tight. “Ellie… I didn’t know any of it. I swear. I don’t have access to that email anymore. Or the phone number, obviously.” I swallowed. “I was… hurt.”
“Hurt?”
“Like, physically hurt. And… some other stuff happened. I was out of commission for a bit.” I stuffed the thing back in my pocket, then leaned back against the side of the house, rubbing my forehead with my fingers.
“It wasn’t just you. Nobody knew where I was.
Cora locked my email trying to hack into it.
It was pretty bad. I can…” I swallowed, looking over my shoulder at the glow of lights through the transom window over the door.
“I can tell you the whole story sometime.”
Ellie was quiet so long I thought maybe she’d hung up. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had. It was a lot. It sounded like a big fat tall tale.
Finally, she said, “I’ll be at the farmer’s market on Saturday. Maybe you can meet us there?”
My heart lifted. Except… talking in the crowd down at the river park wasn’t exactly the best place to have this conversation.
She must have sensed my hesitation, because she said “Just if you want to say Hi to Henry. No pressure though.”
A deep sadness flooded through me that she felt she needed to say that.
Anger, too. At myself, but also the asshole before me.
Because Ellie had been here before. She’d told me the father of her older kid wasn’t in the picture.
She’d said she thought having a father in his life might have made a difference with his behavior.
He’d been getting into trouble. I didn’t get details, but I got the sense his dad had run for the fucking hills when he found out what he’d done.
Just like you.
But that was a hard no. I might not be prepared to be a dad, but that didn’t mean I was going to shirk my responsibilities. Not that I knew what those were.
“I’ll be there,” I said. “Thank you.”
We ironed out the details like we were making an appointment to get a car fixed. It felt weird. Surreal, really. But it was something.
Back at the table, Cora looked like she wanted to crawl through the screen to shake me by the collar. My phone buzzed. This time she wasn’t being subtle, I could see her typing on screen, her eyes boring into me.
I ate my cake, kissed my mom on the cheek, shook hands with my dad.
Felt like shit for needing to get out of there, after all they’d done for me.
Still wanting to go as quickly as possible.
As soon as I got in my piece of shit truck, aiming my wheels back toward Greenville where my sad little studio condo was, I called Cora on speakerphone.
She answered on the first ring. “What the hell, Sam?”
“Remember that girl I told you about?” I asked, ignoring her temper.
A second passed, then Cora caught right up. “The single mom at the conference?”
We’d had an early Christmas at home that year before we both took off, and Cora had demanded to know why I looked even dopier than usual.
I’d told my sister I met a woman way out of my league.
One I knew I’d never see again since our lives were on wildly different paths, but who I know I’d always remember as someone who’d changed my life.
“Yeah,” I said now, gripping the steering wheel. “Her.”
I took a breath. Then I told her everything.