Chapter 12
The phone rings longer than usual. I know Ava’s not at work, but maybe she’s out with her friends. I feel like she mentions a new name every time I talk to her, but I can’t keep up lately.
“Mars bar!” she says when she finally picks up. Even though I don’t talk to my sister daily, we text most days. I’ve been so busy or exhausted since the first night, I’ve barely even been doing that.
“Hey, Ave. What are you up to?
Instead of her voice, I hear the scratching sound of a hand covering the speaker. After a moment, she speaks. “Just hanging out with a friend.” I hear a giggle in the background fade out.
“Do you want me to call you back later?”
“No!” she practically shouts. “I want to hear all about Circuit Smack. Is the arena cool? How did your first fight go?! I can’t wait to see it air.”
“The arena is incredible. More awesome than you can even imagine. I wish you could see it. It’s so huge, too. I knew how big it was, but it’s so different in person.”
“I wish I could see it,” she sighs. “How is your team?”
I don’t want to dump all the chaos on her. “Overall, great. It’s nice that I already know Fatimah.”
She hums. “She’s been so nice every time I’ve met her.”
“How’re things at home?” I ask anxiously. While I understand Ava is almost an adult, and my dad has been fine for a while, I’ve never been away from them for this long or this far. Even during the weekend trips I’ve made for regional fights, Ava has come with me every time.
“Everything is going great. Seriously. Focus on Circuit Smack. I’m excited to see your first fight when it airs!” she says, not letting her previous question slide out of existence. “You said you were fighting All Byte, No Bark, right? Tell me all about it.”
I groan at the reminder that I had sent her our fight schedule for the qualifiers before Jacob had stepped in. “You might want to hold your excitement on that one. Byte had to drop out.”
She gasps. “Did you fight someone else?”
“Yeah,” I croak. “Sorry, I’m not allowed to talk about it before it airs.
Just don’t get too excited about that one, Ave.
” It’s a half-lie. The very thorough non-disclosure agreement we signed said we aren’t allowed to discuss results before they air.
We are allowed to talk about our matchups, though, which is why I had originally told her about Byte.
I can’t bring myself to tell her about Kilowatt though.
I’m too disappointed and frustrated. I don’t want to think about it, and I certainly don’t want to discuss it.
“Pshhh,” she says dismissively. “You’re amazing; I’m sure the bot is, too. I’m sure you did great!” she says, recovering her normal cheer.
“Thank you.” I decide not to correct her on the “amazing bot.” Another thing I am too disappointed and frustrated about to discuss.
“Tell me more about the arena. Is it hard to see the whole thing from where you sit?”
“Joel said it’s a bad look to sit,” I mumble.
“What? That’s fucked up! He can’t do that, can he? Please tell me you’re using your cane,” she says. “You’re not going to be able to focus if you’re in more pain than normal.”
“Apparently, he can. The accommodation request I sent was ‘lost,’ and the Jaxon Electronics HR department said I don’t qualify for anything anyway, as I’m a ‘freelancer.’ The Circuit Smack team said it was a team owner issue to solve.
” I had spent all of our lunch break, and any free chance I got, calling to figure out if there was anything I could do. There was not.
“That sucks. Great job avoiding the other part, by the way,” she huffs. Damn, caught. “Mobility aids are there to give you the extra support to live your life. Dad’s wheelchair gave him his life back. Besides, your cane is so pretty.”
The glitter-covered cane watches me from the corner.
“I know,” I groan. She’s right, but it’s hard to overcome the idea that everyone is judging me.
I’m also still understanding where the threshold of need is.
I’ve had my cane for a while, but my limits change so often.
“Some days I start out fine and then don’t realize I need it until it’s too late.
I’m trying to get better about it, but I psych myself out when I start to worry what other people are thinking about me.
” I wish this were only a Circuit Smack issue, but honestly, it’s been this way since I started using it.
Suddenly, I’m embarrassed by my own stubbornness.
She softens. “If it makes your life better, who cares what other people think?” At only seventeen, she’s far wiser than anyone I knew at that age.
She’s right. It shouldn’t matter to me. Why am I letting myself make my life harder?
I’ve struggled enough, and I’m tired of it.
The thought trickles through me, sinking in and transforming the landscape like rain after a drought.
Other people don’t live my life or pay my medical bills; they don’t help me on my bad days.
They’re strangers. So, why do I care what they think?
I’ll always need a cane, so I might as well get on with my life and accept it.
It might take a while, but it’s worth trying if I want to regain any part of a life I love.
The resolve settles, relaxing parts of me I didn’t realize were tense.
“Do you bring your backpack with you?” Ava asks. I nod, still trying to find my words after the rapid-fire resolution. “Just collapse it and put it in there, okay? It’ll be there if you need it.”
It seems obvious, but it never occurred to me that I could bring it with me.
You get so used to the inaccessibility of things that it’s hard to remember there are ways to make it better.
My cane collapses down, but I always thought about that more for storage, not making sure I had it with me.
It’ll easily fit in the small backpack I bring with me every day.
Even after Circuit Smack, I need to do that.
“Okay, yeah. That’s a good idea, Ave. Thank you. ”
We chat for a bit longer, and I tell her more about the arena and the behind-the-scenes stuff we’ve always been curious about when we watch. Eventually, I hear a voice calling for her, and I remember she’s with friends.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m hogging up your time. I’ll let you get back to your friends.”
“Oh, hush,” she says. “I can hang out with them anytime ... but they did just order pizza,” she laughs. “I’ll talk to you later?”
“Of course. Enjoy your pizza. And thank you, Ava. Really.”
“Anytime, Mars bar.”
Before I go to sleep, I move my cane to sit next to my backpack so it’s there for me in the morning.