Chapter 43
“Jacob?”
“Yes?”
“Why is Zeta’s armor already fixed?” Each piece, new or patched, is ready to be bolted onto the frame.
“None of the internal components are.”
“Okay, but the outside is?”
“You’re a heavy sleeper, and I’m a night owl.” He shrugs as I stare at him in disbelief.
The freshly fixed top armor is reinforced the way I would have done it for the upcoming fight against Ginger Snapped, a bot with a saw on a hammer-like arm that can easily cut through unprepared bots and thin armor.
It’s even painted. While Zeta isn’t as pretty as she was coming off her fresh redesign, her patched-together body is a thing of beauty to me.
Patches welded over gouges, creative fixes covered with paint.
She is strong, even if it doesn’t look like it.
Truthfully, without this extra help, I would be pulling a very long night.
After a day and a half of sleeping, I’m still groggy and slow.
My limbs are filled with hot sand, and my brain is running at half speed.
With only a day and a half ‘til the championship’s first round, I’m several disadvantages stacked in a trench coat.
“I can help you with the new motors, but then I’ve got some Kilowatt business to take care of,” he says as he arranges his most-used tools in a neat line on a table.
“Yeah, of course. Thank you,” I tell him.
We set to work at the pace I need today, slowly and steadily working through the checklists until he’s pulling me into a back hall to press me against the wall and kiss me breathless. “You’re so sexy when you work,” he says, and I laugh against his lips.
“What about when I win?”
“Then you’re the hottest woman alive.”
By the time we make it back to our respective workstations, his team is ready to call search and rescue to find him.
While I’ve spent lots of time working alone into the late hours of the night, this is the first time I’m working alone while the room is full.
There’s no chattering of team members, no quips from my family, no quiet acknowledgment and discussion with Jacob.
It’s only me and ZetaMax while the world buzzes around us.
It’s lonelier than I expected, and hard to keep out of my head as I do the habitual tasks left on the checklist.
I start adding up the numbers again. How much I’ll have left in my bank account when I get home, how much I need to buy a new car if I don’t win.
If I do win, how much I can do with it, especially now that I can set aside less for my family.
The numbers go ‘round and ‘round in my head until the dollar signs are slicing me open.
I stand to grab something and forget about my knee. With a yelp, I collapse back into my rolling chair and start adding physical therapy to the list. Jacob appears between the line items for copays and parking passes.
“Are you okay?”
“I forgot I was hurt.” I shrug at the unfortunately common statement.
When you hurt all the time, fresh injuries can be forgotten about when they aren’t actively throbbing.
“Don’t make that face. It happens. It’s something you’re going to have to get used to if–” I stop.
If you still want me when this is all over.
If this all works out. If nothing goes wrong. If you still want me if I win.
He crosses his arms, and bile rises in my throat. “What can I do to help?”
“Replace my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine,” I quip. My joke must not hit its mark, as his frown deepens. “It’s fine, Jacob. My brain isn’t working at a hundred percent. It was a lapse in judgment.”
“Should you be working on heavy machinery when you’re feeling like this?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to stave off a headache, and suppress a sigh.
The last thing I need is him doubting me, too.
Or worse, deciding I’m too much to deal with.
“I know my limits overall, even if I forget them for a moment. I don’t have to machine any parts today, and I’m doing all my testing in the morning. ”
“What if you feel like this tomorrow?”
I throw my hands up. “I don’t know. I’ll have to hobble across that bridge when I get there.”
That little muscle in the corner of his jaw twitches. The one I kissed earlier when it was slack in pleasure, now tense and taut because of me. “You should—”
“Hey.” The purple, plastic ring splints shine dully under the bright lights of the Bay as I hold up my hand.
“You’ve known my body for weeks. I’ve known mine for thirty-two years.
You don’t get to tell me what I should do, now or ever, unless I explicitly ask,” I state firmly but kindly.
He means well, but everyone thinks they know my limits better than I, the person living with them.
Eventually, he’ll get mad that I’m pushing past his arbitrary idea of what I should and shouldn’t do, and then, in his eyes, it’s my fault I’m hurt.
I’ve seen it happen before, and I do not want it to happen between us.
“I know my limits, even if I don’t always honor them.
I wouldn’t do anything that could risk those around me. ”
I click my rings together as I study him. His shoulders are stiff and straight, matching the flat line of his mouth. This is what I feared. The judgment passed that I shouldn’t be here. I can’t do it. “I can’t handle you doubting me, too, Jacob.”
He leans against the table in front of me. He scrubs his hands over his face and then through his soft, wavy hair, leaving it awry. One lock falls over his forehead, and I want to tuck it in place.
“I don’t,” he says vehemently. “This might be news to you, but I’m incredibly risk-averse.
” His lopsided smile has his dimple making a hesitant appearance.
“I rewatch fight tapes obsessively. I rerun calculations and measurements so many times at work that I’ve come close to missing deadlines because I want to be sure there isn’t going to be an error. ” His gaze is fixed on the floor.
“I turned you down from my team because I didn’t want to risk falling for you more than I already had or risk the fallout from it.
I have zero impulse control around you. I thought I was saving us both from disaster.
” The air of the cavernous room fills my mouth, freezing me in place.
The series of events over the last sixteen years takes on an entirely new meaning.
“I try to eliminate anything that might be a risk or distraction to the outcome I want, even to my detriment.
" He is re-sculpting our history in front of me.
“Watching you risk everything you have to be here is killing me, even if I know it’s not my place to say or do anything.
” A self-abasing huff of laughter tumbles out of him, and he looks as surprised as I am.
“And knowing you can get hurt frequently? I want to wrap you in bubble wrap and put you in my bed and never let you out of my sight again.” A tense breath escapes him.
Weirdly, I don’t think I mind the sound of that, as annoyed and as shocked as I am.
“I never want to stop you from doing what you want or need. I’m sorry if it sounded that way.
I just got you after sixteen years of wishing you were mine. It’s hard not to hold on too tightly.”
I gape at him, unable to find any words.
Most people get defensive and angry when you call them out, but he meets my vulnerability with his own.
His reasoning isn’t an excuse, but it helps to know what’s going through his mind.
Also ... wanted me? Me? All this time, all this strife, because we were both too foolish to make a move, too scared to take a risk, too stubborn to give in.
It’s heartbreaking and incredible to realize.
“I know you can take care of yourself, sweetheart. I’m sorry,” he says. His tender gaze watches me closely, chasing away the shadows.
“Thank you.”
“I will continue to doubt the temperature at which you wash your hair, though.” His eyes sparkle as he smirks.
I laugh. “That’s hair color science. You can’t doubt science.”
“Watch me.”
“Jacob, half your work is science-based.”
He smirks at me, chest shaking in near-silent laughter. “You okay, though? Really?”
“Yeah. I promise,” I tell him. He leans forward, cups my cheek, and kisses me tenderly. “Jacob,” I mumble against his lips.
“Hm?” He kisses me again.
“I’m pretty sure half the Bay is watching us.” If they didn’t figure it out before, everyone certainly knows now. Hookups between contestants and teams happen, but a couple with our history? Between the slack-jawed stares, I am pretty sure I saw someone settling up a bet.
“Let them. I don’t care. I’m never hiding my feelings for you again.”
I sink into his kiss, his warmth, his comfort. I’m done hiding too.