Chapter 9
Leaning backward, I laid down on the cool aluminum of the bleachers, getting comfortable in one of the baseball fields at the community center. I’d just wrapped up another Sophisticated Saturday and couldn’t bring myself to even smile. There was so much on my mind… well… someone I thought about as often as I inhaled.
Romani was hogging up all the space in my brain to the point I was struggling to function. There was so much I wanted to say… so many ways things could’ve played out the last time I saw him. I felt an array of emotions from embarrassment at how I reacted—anger for allowing myself to get my feelings involved and deep sadness from his absence.
I hadn’t expected a week to go by without hearing from him, but it had. No matter how badly I wanted to convince myself it wasn’t anything special or evolved enough to be ruminating over, I couldn’t believe it. My heart wouldn’t let me. She clenched and twisted every time I was brave enough to acknowledge her existence. Romani was one of a kind, and I knew it.
I was so used to being in control in my intimate relationships it felt different to have the ball in another’s court. Now that I had time to reflect, I could admit I lashed out from a place of fear. I’d had countless whirlwind romances that started off beautifully but ultimately ended and left me shattered.
I knew I was falling fast, and Aisley being in his bedroom made me feel like I couldn’t trust him. I’d been cheated on countless times, and I would never be okay with it. I deserved better than that. For the first time, I got the last word, and it wasn’t enough. My curiosity stirred in continuous circles, wondering if he wasn’t reaching out because there really was more with her.
I unscrewed the cap on my flask taking a shot of Sade Platinum to the head. I figured since I was already drunk off yearning some real liquor wouldn’t hurt. If I had my way, it’d help me forget everything that hurt me. The pain I was feeling went deeper than Romani. Wounds that I’d left bleeding for a long time started to ache again. I thought I’d finally found genuine acceptance with Romani, but it was a joke from the universe.
“You’ve been mighty quiet today,” Drey’s voice came from nowhere. I opened my eyes to find her standing right above my head. “And you got the nerve to be drinking without me? I ought to scratch your eyes right now.”
I chuckled softly. “My bad, girl. Just got a lot on my mind.”
She took a seat beside me after I sat up.
“I can see that. You want to talk about it?”
I was about to reply when my phone vibrating in my pocket distracted me. I glanced at the screen seeing Granny’s name scroll across for what felt like the millionth time.
“Hold on. ’Cause my granny keep calling me.”
Drey nodded as I picked up the call.
“Hey, Granny. Are you okay? I’ve been busy with spa day.”
Drey snatched my flask from my hands, making us giggle. I straightened up when Granny finally responded.
“I need you to come over. It’s important.”
“What is it? I don’t want to be in suspense.”
“You’ll see when you get here.” I never got the chance to put up a fuss because she hung up on me.
“ Oop! She hung up on me,” I said baffled by her audacity.
Drey burst into a laugh that nearly had her choking on the liquor.
“What was she talking about?”
I shrugged. “Girl, I don’t know. She didn’t want to tell me, but I’m about to head over if you want to come.”
“I guess I can go be nosy.”
“Good. That way we can refill the flask before we go.”
Drey stopped me as I tried to get up and walk away.
“No. We gotta refill it when we get to Granny’s. You know she got all the good shit stashed over there.”
I nodded, realizing she was right. My daddy had the stash of a saint in his office. It couldn’t compare to Granny’s stash for sinners like me and my cousin.
* * *
“Granny! I’m here!” I yelled once we let ourselves in her house. I immediately kicked off my shoes. It smelled like fresh flowers and vanilla, so I knew she’d been in her garden today. I lay out on her couch as Drey snuck off to fill the flask. I called out for my Granny a few more times, but she still didn’t reply. I sat up just as Drey came back.
“She’s in the backyard.”
I laid back down, feeling better about her silence. For a minute there, I thought something might’ve happened in the time it took for us to get over here. I stretched an arm out to Drey for the flask.
“Give it because I know you already took a shot.”
She tried to cover her smile with her hand, but I knew how she rocked. We were one and the same.
“You’re right. I did. Scoot over, bitch, because I’m only passing you this if you’re going to finally fill me in on this funky attitude of yours.”
I’d forgotten all about our conversation at the community center.
“Okay fine, but I need that shot first.”
She handed me the flask, and I wasted no time guzzling the fiery liquid. It stung as it went down, but I didn’t care. I was ready for the aftereffects and freedom from thoughts of Romani.
“It was supposed to be about the community center, but I fucked around and actually caught feelings for that high yella man,” I admitted quickly. I was already on my second shot by the time my last word left the tip of my tongue.
Drey started tapping her fingers together like a madman beside me. The smile on her face was too damn big and wide, pissing me off. She was going to make me dig deep into this, and I wasn’t ready to admit how I was really feeling. There was a lot of insecurity and doubt brewing in my depths. I knew it was going to make for very bitter tea session.
“So, this is all about Mr. Sexy Caramel.”
I frowned then glared at her. “Do not call him that.”
“Why? ’Cause that’s your man.”
I fell backward on the couch. “No lie. I was hoping that he could be, but I haven’t heard from him in a week, and now, I’m thinking what could a man like that want with me anyway. I showed my ass real bad. You know I don’t have no good sense. He’s better off, and I don’t think it would’ve worked long-term. He’d only try to fix me like everyone else.”
I damn near jumped out of my skin when I heard his deep raspy voice responding to my rant.
“You definitely showed your ass, but I know it’s because you’re fragile underneath all that rah rah shit you pop. You couldn’t scare me off even if you tried. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I’d follow you anywhere.”
He emerged from the shadows of my Granny’s hallway to stand at the opposite side of the room. I hopped up quickly.
“Romani, what are you doing here?”
Embarrassment flushed through my cheeks, and I was hoping it came off as shock. I did my best to control my excitement seeing him standing there as handsome as ever in a black sweat suit. I tucked my arms behind my back to keep myself from charging at him.
“I needed to see you.”
There was this sincerity in his eyes that sucked all the fight out of my left nostril. I released a shaky breath, not realizing how badly I wanted to hear him say those words.
“I see you’re busy getting fucked up and confessing your feelings, but if I could have a minute of your time, I’d like to prove how you’d have more fun doing so with me.”
The slight curve up of his lips sent a chill down my spine. Nigga was fine, and he knew it.
I turned to Drey and handed her the flask. “I’ll be right back.”
She laughed while accepting it. “Oh, girl, I know. I would’ve folded too.”
I ignored her as I walked around the wooden table in the middle of the room to join him. My heart was beating so fast as I followed him outside to the garden. When we got out there and my Granny was missing, I realized her and Drey both had to be in on this impromptu visit. I’d have to privately thank them later.
“I didn’t think I’d hear from you again,” I admitted once we were alone.
He was about six feet away from me leaning against the railing of the shed. His eyes were planted on me though. He shamelessly eyed me from head to toe, and I kinda wished I put more effort into my appearance today.
“You almost didn’t.”
His words sent a pang through my heart, but I pushed through discomfort.
“Well, what changed your mind?” I tucked one hand underneath my armpits and the other one went to my face as I began chewing on my thumbnail.
“Come here.”
My feet moved like they had a mind of their own. Before I could stop it, I was wrapped in his arms, and he pulled me deeper into his chest. One inhale of his cologne made everything right in the world.
“This is what changed my mind.” He grabbed two handfuls of my ass and squeezed. “What sane man would want to live without this ass for a pillow?”
I rolled my eyes but couldn’t lie and say I didn’t love the praise.
“So, if you missed me so much, why I haven’t I heard from you in a week?”
I began playing with the collar of his shirt to distract myself. When he wasn’t quick to reply I glanced up and landed right on a battlefield. I saw the same look he had after that phone call in the truck that had him on edge.
“You wanna pick some bud with me?” I asked, changing the subject.
It took a few seconds, but he snapped out of the trance he was in.
“Like for a blunt?”
I nodded with a grin. “Yeah, don’t tell anyone, but Granny grows her own.”
I unraveled myself but still yearned for his touch, so I opted for grabbing his hand. The way he applied pressure to our joined hands made me feel like he needed it too. I pulled him along to the little tent where Granny grew her marijuana.
“Oh, shit. I knew it was a reason I loved your grandmother the first time I met her. She’s trouble just like you.”
I rolled my eyes but stayed glued to his side as he began to explore through the different strands. There were three growing here—a hybrid, sativa and indica flower. He bent down to smell each one. I could tell by the spark in his eye that he was enjoying this.
“Let’s see what this Frosted Freak is talkin’ about.”
I giggled at how silly the name was, but Granny’s plug was legit. And honestly, if Romani kept looking at me with such intensity, I was going to be his frosted freak for the night.
We got busy popping off buds we could use. After a minute or two of silence, Romani started to open up to me in a new way. I knew he had scars, and today, he was finally ready to expose them.
“The woman who birthed me is a drug addict that’s currently locked up and won’t stop fucking harassing me. No matter how many times I tell her I don’t want anything to do with her, she doesn’t listen.”
My heart ached for him only being able to imagine a fraction of what I was sure he actually experienced. I kept quiet to give him the space to fully release whatever was on his heart.
“I go into a dark place whenever she’s in my life, so that’s why it took me a week to get back to you. It’s not because it’s not where I want to be.”
He turned to face me with an expression that nearly made me weak in the knees. I’d never seen him so vulnerable and raw. My stomach twisted in knots at the reality he trusted me with the dark waters raging inside of him.
“I’ve never experienced any connection like the one I have with you. From the first day I met you, you’ve been nothing but trouble, yet it’s what I admire most. The world needs more passionate, caring, and genuine people like you advocating for them. I could’ve used someone like you.”
His confession had me close the distance between us with urgency. He welcomed me with ease like in his arms was where I belonged anyway.
“It’s okay. I understand.” I nibbled on my bottom lip then figured if he was going to be vulnerable, then so could I. “Thank you for trusting me with part of your story. I understand you a little better now, and I just want to say you are my choice. That’s why I reacted so badly to that bitch being in your room half-naked.”
I almost got pissed off again just thinking about it. If I ever saw her scrawny little ass again, I was likely to drag her for playing with me.
“I push people away because I’ve never been enough for them. In case you didn’t choose me, I wanted to protect myself. I apologize for putting my hands on you because that wasn’t right. The person I was truly mad with was myself.”
He used one of his fingers to trace the outline of my face. I loved his skin on mine. I wish wearing it like a coat was possible. He’d keep me warm on the coldest, darkest nights.
“Why do you think you haven’t been enough for people?”
I inhaled sharply as the urge to shut down and keep this part of myself hidden emerged, but I knew I couldn’t. I wanted him to understand me better too. Nothing about our connection was one-sided, and that’s why I made the choice to open up too.
“I was raised in the church by my parents. They decided to have a third child because they felt like they did so good with their first two daughters.” I chuckled dryly. “Well, they got me instead of another perfect daughter. I’m nothing like my sisters and it forced me to live a life where I question myself. I don’t doubt they love me, but they never really get me. None of them do.” I dropped my head as tears rushed into my ducts. I sniffled, trying to keep it together. “I feel like you do though.”
His hands wrapped around my body, pulling me closer. I melted when he planted a kiss on my forehead that solidified the weight of our connection. I couldn’t pretend anymore. Didn’t want to fight it.
“I do. I see you in all your hell-raising glory and still can only see you as perfect.”
My lips were on his faster than my eyes could blink. He didn’t know how his words healed a part of me that always questioned if my personality was good enough or not. After a lifetime of being painted as the wild child, it felt so good to just be seen.
My eyes drifted closed when he planted his fingers on my scalp and began to gently massage my crown. I couldn’t help but lay my head on his chest.
“Do you have to leave?”
“Nah. Never,” he replied with ease. I felt another wall crumble into oblivion from his words and gentle tone.
“Good. ’Cause I want to spend my night just like this while making smores in front of the fire pit.” I held up the little baggie he’d stuffed with bud. “Oh yeah, and smoke all of this.”
He shrugged slightly. “I’m with whatever as long as it involves you, Trouble.”
He looked at me with nothing but admiration and affection. I couldn’t help but hide my face in his chest. I knew we were into confessing things, yet I wasn’t ready to confess that the nickname was growing on me more every day. Who would’ve guessed a day would come where I’d love being referred to as the thing that created so much insecurity and loneliness in my life? I could admit life had a way of reverse engineering your trauma into something so beautiful all you could do was believe in the impossible.