Chapter Thirty-One
It took just under seven hours to drive home from the Mackinac Island ferry to Chicago.
Throughout the drive, Kieran and Danny remained silent, choosing to let Lily fill the time with music rather than conversation.
She couldn’t blame them. Brennan Sullivan had come crashing through and doused the entire joyous weekend with anger and betrayal.
She gave them their space and focused instead on checking her socials and updating her action plan for the week.
The big fight was Saturday. Knowing Kieran, he’d be busier than ever this week—training and mentally preparing for the tournament.
Tuesday was her birthday. Lily smiled to herself.
A full year away from Vovik. Three hundred and sixty-five days focused on herself.
She shot off a text in the best friend group chat, confirming their plans to celebrate on Friday night.
By the time they hit the Illinois state line, Danny was begging to be dropped off first. The teen hopped out with his backpack slung over his shoulder and ran straight inside.
Lily blew out a low breath. Maybe now Kieran would be willing to talk about whatever had happened with his younger brother. She placed her hand atop Kieran’s thigh and gave it a squeeze. “Hey you.”
Kieran mumbled a “hey” and set his hand over hers, sweeping his thumb across her hand before returning to his white-knuckle grip on the steering wheel.
Alright. Something was wrong. Lily scrubbed her palms against her shorts and glanced out the window. His continued silence unnerved her. Was it the drive? It had been exhausting, and she hadn’t even been the one behind the wheel.
When they arrived at her apartment he didn’t head for the parking garage. Instead, he slipped into a loading lane, put the shifter in Neutral and engaged the emergency brake. Anxiety swarmed in her belly like snakes twisting and coiling over one another.
She reached over and placed a hand on his bicep. “You okay? Wanna come up for a tea?”
Kieran shook his head and dropped his gaze to his lap. His jaw clenched, and she watched as he chewed his cheek the way he did when he didn’t know how to parse his words. “We gotta talk about last night.”
Oh. Lily’s brows raised in alarm. If he’d wanted to talk about his dad or the wedding, that would have made sense. But last night? They’d danced together. They’d had some truly amazing sex and fallen asleep in each other’s arms before doing it again that morning. What else was there to say?
“Okay.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and settled her hands in her lap. “What do you want to talk about?”
The inside of the Jeep seemed to shrink as he sucked in a breath. In his lap, he clenched his fists. “That…future you talked about. Your twenty-year dream. That’s all it is, Lily. A dream. I can’t be that man for you.”
Static buzzed in her ears. A slow, deep pain started in her heart and dropped. Falling, falling, but never catching. Lily swallowed heavily and wet her lips. “If I went too far, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to say our future had to be perfect, just that—”
“No, Lily.” He cut her off with a sigh. “I mean all of it. You and me. We don’t have a future.”
His words shocked her more than cliff-diving into northern Lake Michigan’s bone-chilling waters.
Where was the man who’d leaped when she said she’d marry him?
Where was the man who’d fallen asleep with his cock still buried inside her?
“Okay, where’s this coming from?” She forced herself to stay calm.
Slow, steady breaths in through her nose.
He tilted his head away, looking toward the door. Was he ashamed?
“You saw what kind of man Brennan is, okay? And you’ve seen me with Danny. I can’t even protect him from our piece-of-shit father. I’m never gonna be a good dad. You deserve more than I can give you.”
This she knew. Insecurity. A knot in her belly loosened, and she grabbed one of his hands in hers. “Kieran, you are a good man. Whatever you’re scared of, we can work through it together. I meant it when I said I’d protect you.”
“Yeah, well, who protects you?” He spun around, finally facing her.
Anger flashed in his dark eyes. “I’m never going to put you first. Don’t you get it?
I owe my life to Neal and that gym. I’ve got Danny and Saoirse.
I can’t even keep my baby sister safe on her fucking wedding day.
I can’t protect you from my fucked-up life.
” He took a deep breath, his nostrils flaring.
“You should call Roger. Get a job up at Riverside. You have a shot at a good life, Lily. Don’t waste it on an asshole like me. ”
She blinked rapidly and glanced at their joined hands. He hadn’t torn himself away. Despite his words, he was still holding on. Her tongue darted out, wetting her lips. “But I’m in love with you.”
She held his gaze with her own ferocity, daring him to look away. He squeezed her hand. For one beat. Two. He opened his mouth as if to speak but closed it with a curse. He dropped her hand and threw his gaze out the front windshield. “Love isn’t enough.”
The words echoed around in her head. She’d heard them so often, said sagely by both her therapist and Natalia when explaining why she and Vovik could never work. Love isn’t enough. Because a relationship took work. It took sacrifice. Love couldn’t save someone from abuse or addiction.
Or depression.
A wave of calm washed over her. Her edges tingled with numbness and her heart thundered in her chest, but her head was clear. “Okay.”
Kieran glanced her way. Confusion raised his brows. “Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.” Lily grabbed her duffel bag from her feet and slipped the strap over her shoulder. “I didn’t spend a year working on myself so I could sit here and beg you to love me. I like me. I’m not gonna let you ruin that. If I’m not worth it to you, fine. I won’t waste any more of your time.”
She opened the door and stepped out onto the sidewalk. Surely he’d reach out—grab her arm. Take it all back and ask her to stay. It couldn’t end like this. Not with everything they’d shared. He wouldn’t walk away.
But the Jeep shifted into gear, and Kieran pulled out onto the street.
Lily’s knees wobbled, but she didn’t fall down. No, she was a runner, and it had made her strong. She sucked in quick, successive breaths, desperate to quell the hiccups rising in her chest.
Yesterday, her heart had built roads and erected monuments in devotion to a future with Kieran.
Today, he burned that future to the ground.