Chapter Thirty-Five
Alex was the king of distraction. From his boisterous pregame party mix playlist to the edible glitter he’d sprinkled all over her red velvet cupcakes, he was committed to keeping her mind a million miles away from Kieran.
And against all odds, he accomplished it.
Mostly. She’d already kept her phone off most of the week—more afraid of how her heart might break if he didn’t text than of anticipating what he might say if he did.
What her friends offered in their endless encouragement and love was only further proof that maybe Kieran was right. Maybe she did deserve more.
Natalia and Jack moseyed about Alex and Ilya’s apartment, sipping cocktails and chatting with Ilya about some new winery while Alex finished pressing on his lashes.
It was supposed to be a night out. A belated celebration of her birthday. They’d moved the occasion to Saturday night so it could serve as a distraction from the tournament happening across the river, just one neighborhood over, at the very gym where she’d been offered a job.
Roger had said she could start immediately, but Lily had requested time to consider. Not because she didn’t want it—hell, she needed the money—but because if she started immediately she’d have been working tonight. Covering the tournament, just not for Neal and the South Siders.
She sighed and stared into the misty fizz of her drink. Tequila and Mountain Dew—one of Jack’s favorites. If she’d offered something like that to Kieran, his eyebrow would have arched, and his nose would scrunch. He was a dark liquor guy—whiskey as smooth and intoxicating as his eyes.
Nope, she chided herself. Don’t think about him.
A persistent buzz drew her attention to the kitchen island. Natalia’s phone was going off again. It had been like that all day. A constant, incessant string of notifications. The last time that had happened to Lily, she’d muted her notifications. But Natalia didn’t post much.
“Did you comment on a viral video or something?” Sometimes comments could go viral, too. It was one of her least favorite features on Hit It. You got a notification every single time someone liked a comment. Lily inched closer, each step deliberate so she didn’t snag her heel on Alex’s rug.
“Something like that.” Nat darkened her phone screen and shot a pointed glare at Alex.
He ignored her, choosing instead to touch up the corner of his eyeliner in the mirror mounted on his fridge.
Lily glanced between them, and her lips pinched together in a frown. “Am I missing something?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
They answered at the same time—Natalia as the affirmative—and shared a scowl.
“Come on.” Alex grabbed his wallet from the island and shoved it into his pocket. “We’re gonna get caught in a line from hell if we don’t head out. Move it, darlings!”
Natalia’s face darkened to a glower, and she crossed her arms over her chest. “She deserves to see it.”
“See what?” Had Natalia posted a video after all?
Alex grabbed his keys off a hook by the door and swung them around on his finger. “Tonight is a distraction, Natalia, in case you forgot. Now come on, people, the club train is leaving.”
Jack’s attention was on their drink, and Ilya stood by the doorway examining the toes of his brown Chelsea boots.
Lily set her drink atop the island and smoothed her hands down the sides of her black tube dress. “What’s going on, Nat?” She ignored Alex’s groan of protest and met her oldest friend’s gaze. “If you think I should know, then I want to know.”
Natalia rolled her bottom lip between her teeth, and her shoulders dipped. “I wanted to show you earlier, but Alex gave us all a speech about boundaries and had me doubting myself.” She unlocked her phone and passed it into Lily’s waiting hand. “But this is for you.”
Cued up and ready to go was a paused Hit It video. The waiting still-shot was a familiar one: the trail at Starved Rock.
@thatgymguy
Kieran.
He’d tagged both Lily’s and the gym’s accounts, and the video had over a million likes. Her brows shot up. How’d he manage that?
With no reason to drag it out, she hit Play.
“This video is for Lily Parker.” Hearing Kieran’s rich, smooth voice after a week of radio silence made her stomach flip-flop.
“If you’re not Lily Parker, keep scrolling.
” The hairs on her arms leaped to attention.
She gripped the phone a little tighter and watched the sweeping shot of the trail turn from views of the waterfall to a zoomed-in shot of her and Danny dancing behind her tripod.
“I fucked up. I know it and you know it. You have every right to hate me, Princess.” The hiking trail fell away and was replaced with her favorite brunch spot. What began as a shot of their entwined hands spanned upward, catching her dancing in her seat with her fork still caught between her lips.
Lily’s heart squeezed in her chest. She’d always assumed he was checking his phone while they were out and about together—why capture these intimate moments when he’d never agreed to be more than friends?
“I won’t waste your time on sorries, even though I am—I’m so fucking sorry—because actions mean more than words.
Right now, this is all I have of you. I collected all these private memories selfishly because I knew I didn’t deserve you.
This summer was a beautiful dream. Deep down, I knew you’d leave one day, and all I’d have left would be these pictures I stole.
” They were on the beach now—the skyscrapers towering behind them—and finally a shot with Kieran.
He held the camera in selfie mode, a soft smile tugging at his lips and Lily peppering his cheek with kisses.
He looked happy. Weightless. Hadn’t it been real, even if only for a little while? Lily rested her elbows on the island and leaned forward, captivated by the screen.
“This summer was the best summer of my life, and I wasted so much of it terrified someone would steal you away. In the end, no one did. I chased you off myself.”
They were on the dock, the light of his cell phone the only illumination on their faces. She cuddled in close, grinning, then dazzling lights broke somewhere offscreen and bathed them in vibrant reds and oranges.
“You said you like yourself, and you wouldn’t let me ruin that. Lily, you have every reason to like yourself. You are kind and clever. Radiant and enchanting. Your capacity to care for and empathize with others is as rare as it is beautiful.”
The scene switched to Mackinac Island. She walked along the shore, the wind slipping through her hair, dipping and scooping up rocks from the shallow waves.
“The truth of it is this—while you were falling in love with life, I was falling in love with you.”
A tightness clogged her throat. Her hands trembled around the phone.
They were at the wedding, and she was leaning into what she’d thought then was another selfie—grinning at the camera like the lovestruck idiot she was. Kieran grinned right back, his smile the widest she’d ever seen, then he turned and kissed her just behind the ear.
“I fell in love with the way you steal my leg and tuck it between yours for comfort when you sleep. I fell in love with your loud, unapologetic laugh and your cheesy dance moves, especially how you bounce when eating your favorite food. I love how brave you are. I love the way you’ve decided you deserve a good life, and you’re willing to fight for it—not just for yourself.
You talked about our future, and Danny was there, too, right along with our kids.
Do you have any idea what that means to me? That you’d love him, just like that?”
He must have taken the final shot when he stopped for gas or something, on the way up to the wedding. She was curled up in the back seat of his Jeep fast asleep. Danny snoozed against her side with his lanky legs drawn up to his chest. Her arm draped over him kept him rooted on the bench.
“You asked about my past and my future, and I meant it when I said I’d never given it much thought.
Everything I’ve done since returning to Chicago has been about Danny.
He deserves a life I couldn’t have. Once he moves out, I don’t know what comes next.
I’ve never bothered planning a future. When you’re stuck in survival mode, anything other than the now is a pipe dream.
And that’s why I said I can’t have a future with you.
I don’t know how else to be. This is what I’ve always done, and I’m terrified of losing everyone.
I only know how to fight. It’s all I’m good at. It’s how I provide for my family.”
The focus of the camera wobbled. There was the wood grain of a table, then the dark wrinkles of a shirt.
Kieran came into view as he stepped back from the camera and dropped onto his couch.
Several days’ worth of stubble darkened his handsome face and deep circles had set in around his eyes.
At least she wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep.
He fidgeted with his hands, wringing them and twisting his fingers even though he kept his attention on the screen. It was like he was staring right at her.
“I should have fought for you.” There was no more voice over. This was Kieran. “I said I couldn’t put you first, but I’ve been an idiot thinking love is something you can win. I never considered it could be a tie.”
Warm tears slipped down her cheeks. She let them. Nothing could draw her away from his confession.
“You walked through that door in May and wrecked my life in the best of ways. I used to wake up and know exactly what I was gonna do each day. You made me think further than tomorrow. You showed me how to really care for Danny and respect him. You made me want. I’ve never wanted before.
Wanting is messy. Wanting leads to disappointment. ”
Lily sniffled and nodded, as if she was sitting right across from him, hearing his words the moment they left his lips.