Chapter Thirteen
Raven .
I sprinted after him, pushing past the hordes of students, losing him between the throngs and my blurry vision.
I wipe my eyes, trying to see past my tears and I hear a door to a stairwell slam.
My instincts tell me it’s Jonas trying to get away from me.
I can’t have that. I need to make this right.
I push the door open, the scent of the cement and stone and mortar that’s held these walls for over two centuries fills my nostrils.
I finally catch up to him, pulling on his blazer to stop him.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” he shouts, voice breaking, cracking both of our hearts open.
A tear spills over his eyelid and he puts his index finger over his lips, the muscle in his defined jaw clenches as he swallows down whatever emotion he’s feeling and when his eyes land on mine, it is pure, unadulterated hatred.
“Don’t you dare ever fucking touch me again, Raven. ”
I back away. I will the words to spill, my mouth opens and closes.
“P-p-p” but then the words stop, caught in my throat and my trachea feels as though it’s crumbled into itself, like it’s worked overtime and decided to give up on its own.
Tears spill faster than I can handle, and I grasp my throat, inhaling loudly, gasping, hyperventilating, my face numbing.
My chest is dissolving . Please let me explain ! I wanted to scream .
But how do I explain it? That while I love Jonas, I also love what Maverick makes me feel. That how Jonas makes me feel so fucking precious, Maverick makes me feel primal. Archer makes me feel high. My chest heaves as I realize my conclusion.
I love Jonas.
But what I feel for Maverick is carnal and savage and wild and he seems to bring it out of me and he seems to love it, too.
Maverick and I are destined in a way that Jonas and I are destined.
It’s a passion, a fire I know will probably run out, but I pray it won’t.
What I feel for Jonas is stronger, stranger .
They’re two different feelings, separate from the other.
They both make me dizzy.
Jonas scoffs, “Now? Now you want to try to talk to me with his cum still on your fucking lips?” his tone malicious and I fucking deserve it.
He crowds me just like Maverick did in his office but I welcome it.
I will welcome whatever punishment he has for me.
He grips my hair by the nape of my neck, bending me back so I can peer up into his shiny, wet eyes.
“You make me fucking sick. Is that why you’ve been so fucking hot and cold with me? ”
I shake my head too quickly. A lie. And he sees right through me.
I try to touch him again and he slaps my hand away with a force and it hits the steel railing of the stairs so hard it dings and the pain reverberates up through my forearm to my elbow.
I hold it to my chest between us, but I don’t dare look away from him.
I’ll wrap it later, take a pill for swelling. Ice it. Whatever.
His grip tightens, my scalp prickling. Then, as though he’s through with me he lets go with a powerful yank and I hit the brick wall softly. My vision blurs a bit but I do my best to face him again. “My god. How long has this been going on?”
Since the beginning. But it’s you, it’s you.
I swear, it’s you for me. He doesn’t matter he doesn’t matter he doesn’t matter.
But that’s a lie. Between the three, they’ve all awakened something within me.
I’d give up all three if I couldn’t have one or the others.
I’d never choose and yet if I were forced…
it would be none if I couldn’t have all.
He grimaces, “Since the first time he called you into his office, huh? That’s why you flew out of the psych department the day of the coffee incident. ”
I look away and inhale. Longer than that.
He nods and laughs so wickedly it scares me. His eyes narrow into slits, his face transforming into something dangerous. Something made of nightmares. But he doesn’t scream, which scares me more. Jonas lowers his voice another octave, teeth gritted together and I tremble.
“I’m a fucking idiot. I claimed you. I fucking claimed you in front of the whole quad. Nobody has fucked with you because of me. Chase was right. You’ve been playing me. Toying with me. Was I just a game? A fucking front for you so you could continue having an affair with the fucking professor?”
Tears stream down my cheeks as I shake my head slowly, inhaling again.
He pulls me toward him again, and I hate myself for how my body craves him even if it’s to accept his wrath.
I’ll take whatever punishment I have to.
I’ll drop Maverick’s class. I’d do it all.
I’d do anything for him to call me baby again.
To get rid of the hatred for me in his eyes.
It's sick. It’s toxic but I don’t care. I want his love, his wrath, I want him in all the ways that matter. I shouldn’t. I hurt him, he hurt me, I should walk away and never think about him ever again…
His eyes burn a vicious green and his voice gets low.
“We’re done . Stay the fuck out of my way.
If you see me, turn away because no you fucking don’t.
I won’t stop them from eating you alive, baby .
The vultures at this school? You think spit wads in your hair were bad?
You have no idea, but you’re about to know.
You are utterly alone now. No friends. You no longer have my protection.
We’re fucking done .” He rasps before dropping me again and turns to the door leading to the second floor.
It slams behind him and my knees buckle out from under me, my weight too heavy to withstand. My hair falls around me like a curtain, and I stay there until my eyes are so dry they burn, letting his words sink in.
“I claimed you.”
When it came to physical brutality and Rayne-Moore University, well, that didn’t matter. Short of death, I had already faced the worst Rayne-Moore has to offer.
“I claimed you. ”
I take two full pills that evening and wake up midday on Tuesday.
I work on my assignments, send them through the student portal and then work on my debate, putting bullshit words together.
When I’m done, I take another two pills only to wake up on Wednesday.
I put on a clean uniform, reminding myself to burn the one from Monday and drag my feet.
Jonas doesn’t show up to Harrington’s lecture. Why would he? We broke his heart. I stare at his empty desk beside mine, telepathically willing him to show up.
He doesn’t.
I turn in my assignment to Maverick, making sure it reaches his hands. “Raven, I-”
I don’t care. I want to say. Because I don’t. I go back to my room and take two more pills.
In my dreams I allow myself to cry in Dream-Damon’s arms. He shushes me, cradles me, and I feel so cherished and safe. The way Jonas makes me feel. Dream Damon doesn’t touch me. He only holds me like he knows exactly what I need.
And I feel safe.
______
Three loud knocks in succession on my door tell me it’s Axel.
Yeah, I forgot about him. Which means it’s Friday afternoon.
I must’ve slept through yesterday. I’ll have to catch up on my schoolwork.
I open the door still wearing my uniform from Wednesday.
His brilliant smile fades as soon as he sees me. “Jesus, Ray what the fuck happened?”
I step away from the door and let him in. He pulls me in for a hug. “Ray, I love you, but you fucking stink. I don’t know what happened, but, c’mon. Let’s get you in the bath. One more day and the cooks here will ask you to squeeze your hair into the frying pans for grease.”
I let Axel wash my hair like when we were kids and I was sick and too tired to wash it. Bubbles come up to my chest in the large claw foot porcelain bathtub as I sit forward, pulling my knees to my chest and rest my chin on my forearm .
“Are you hungry? I brought snacks to refill your cabinet. But we could go out for some Thai or that coffee shop in town you use to love so much?”
I let my tired eyes close. I don’t want any of that. I just want to be alone. I shouldn’t have come back. I should’ve stayed at Lorne Wood, I mean, either way I’d still be dead and empty inside… broken .
“Raven, you have to give me something here, I… I don’t know how to help you. Please . You have to let me help you.”
There’s no way to heal me. I’m broken beyond repair, little brother.
It reminds me of this line from one of our favorite movies when we were kids, Corpse Bride, when the villain asks, “Can a heart break, once it’s stopped beating?”
The short answer is no. But somehow, it can still crack and chunks can split off until it’s completely broken. That’s what I am now. A few more cracks and chunks with no tape or super glue around to fix it. And I did it all to myself.
Once my hair has been conditioned and brushed, he brings a large, fluffy towel, panties, and my oversized My Chemical Romance Tee.
He leaves so I can dry off and get dressed.
When I get out of the bathroom he’s sitting on the loveseat with my phone in his hand.
The selfie of me and Jonas, the day of his game, my lock screen.
“I grabbed it to charge it for you. Is this what’s wrong? Did Jonas do something to you?”
I quirk an eyebrow. How does he know Jonas?
“Candace's adopted brother, right? Once he turned eighteen he came to a few of mom and dad’s parties while you were… away.”
I blink. Of fucking course they knew each other. Our social circles ran small even if the Syndicate was stretched far and wide. No fucking wonder. But I shake my head. Nope. This pain? It was me, my little brother. I did this to myself… and I deserve it.