Chapter 25
25
Shane
We rode for the past forty-five minutes in silence.
She had just as much to think about as I did. We ripped off the bandage, but it didn’t stop the bleeding like I had wanted. My apology should have been the tourniquet she needed, but it didn’t help. Did I make it worse instead?
Getting it out in the open seemed the way to go and get through this. It’s my fault for assuming it would be easy, all would be forgiven, and we’d be spending the weekend together instead of feeling the distance between us now. Despite having only a foot separating us in the car, where does that leave us?
How have I already fucked this up so royally?
Anger rolls off her in stages, slipping across the leather console. I caused that. I’ll take the hit if it will make her feel better. I’m not sure if anything will, but I’m willing to try. There’s nothing left to lose when I’ve already lost her. So I can sit and stew on how to move forward, break the ice, and get us back on the path of a second chance. Or I can make the effort. Fuck it. Nothing to lose , I repeat in my head.
I shift my car from manual to automatic and reach over, slipping my hand under hers that’s resting on her leg. She yanks it away to her chest. “What are you doing, Shane?”
“I want to hold your hand.”
Her blinks are erratic, her brows tugging together, but her mouth and the roundness of her lips when they part capture my attention. I miss those lips so fucking much. She has a stubborn streak that keeps her feisty. I like the fight in her, but I know it doesn’t come from nowhere. I ask, “May I hold your hand, Cat?”
“No.” From her immediate response, I’m certain she didn’t give the idea a chance.
Slow down, Faris. I don’t have to rush with her. She likes to take it slow. I can do slow if it’s with her. I rest mine between us with my palm facing up—an offer if she wants to take it on her terms instead of mine.
Although I try to keep my eyes ahead, I check on her several times, catching her staring at my hand and shaking her head. She looks out the window but then turns to face me, and asks, “Why do you want to hold my hand?”
“Because I’m not here for a vacation. I’m here to spend time with you.” I grip the steering wheel and roll my hand over it and back down again. I’m sweating, so she’ll know I was nervous if she holds it now. I don’t do vulnerable well, but I’m doing it for her. “I wanted to get to know you in high school. I wanted to keep in touch. I wanted to fuck you the first time I saw you again. And the second. The third and fourth. I’m an asshole because I still do. This time, though, I want to know you as well. I want to learn about you?—”
“That’s all about you, Shane.”
Hearing her disappointment has my heart thumping in my chest, and everything tells me to stop the pain and pull my hand back to the steering wheel. I fight the retreat, pushing forth and leaving it lying between us. I might be an idiot, but I’m willing to take the chance to find out. “I’ve thought so much about us and what really went wrong.”
Resting her elbow on the window, she sighs and tilts her head onto her hand. “What went wrong in your eyes?”
“We didn’t build a foundation. We weren’t friends.”
“We were attraction,” she says as if she knew it all along.
“I want to hold your hand because it’s the familiar, the only olive branch I have to give while driving. I just thought if we touched, we had that connection, that we could build from there this time.”
Her chest rises and falls with each breath she takes. Her lips are still parted as if she needs the air in her lungs quicker.
“I’m trying for you, babe.” The name fell from my tongue before I could stop it, but I won’t take it back.
I’ll give it a few more seconds. One. Two. Three. Four —she slips her hand into mine and pulls the bond to her lap as if she’s the guardian of our connection. Without looking at me or our hands, she raises her chin. “You are trying.” She takes a deep breath as if she can finally breathe freely again. Looking at me, she says, “And I don’t think you make the effort for anyone.”
She’d be right, but that’s also why I’ve never been in a real relationship. Cat feels right; she’s something steady that I can rely on. I can trust her. Maybe not with my Ferrari, but with my life and that ramshackled organ beating in my chest. So yeah, I’ll make the effort for her. She’s worth it.
The particles of anger exposed in the sunlight streaming through the windshield dissipate from the air.
“Anything interesting on the agenda?”
“Yoga on a paddleboard. Will you be joining me for that?” She pulls the paper back out and continues, “ Very adventurous, by the way.” Every time her fingers squeeze my hand a little tighter, hope renews, motivating me more than ever. “You surf, so I suspect you have good balance.”
“It’s great.”
She laughs, or maybe it was a scoff. I definitely catch an eye roll, though. “I had no doubt. I look forward to you showing off your skills in the morning.” Tapping the paper, she adds, “At eight thirty a.m.” She cocks her head to the side, pursing her lips. “Have you ever seen that hour before?”
It feels good to laugh with her. “Glad your humor is still intact.” Chuckling, I reply, “Early mornings aren’t typically my thing anymore, but for a good set of waves, I’ll show up before the sun rises.” I tip my head and glance over at her. “As for yoga, I’ll stick to paddleboarding while you enjoy doing your routine.”
“Disappointing, Faris. And here I thought you were trying to impress me.”
I balk, leaning back in my seat, still holding her hand like the lifeline she is for me. “There would be nothing impressive about me doing yoga. Trust me on that.”
“I think that’s the first time you’ve ever admitted you can’t do something.”
Her pretty smile tightens my chest and instantly elicits mine to the surface. Though my lips morph into a smirk. “I’m well aware of my strengths and weaknesses and stick to what I do best.”
“According to you, there’s not much that doesn’t make the best list,” she teases, pulling our joined hands to her chest. I’m not sure she notices, but I do. It’s fucking amazing to be held like we’ve moved beyond the bad of the past and are firmly seated in the good of the future. I can even feel her heart beating beneath the surface.
A breath catches her by surprise as if she’d been holding it prior, and she lowers our hands to her lap again. I go out on a limb of the olive branch I offered and bring our hands to my chest so she can feel how hard my heart beats for her.
She doesn’t pull back or away. Thank God. She’s looking into my eyes when I have a second to look over at her. “Shane?”
“Yes,” I reply, matching her quieter tone.
Whispering, she asks, “Do you mind if we go slow?”
I bring our hands to my mouth and kiss the top of hers. I shouldn’t savor the feel of her soft skin or inhale the lightly fragrant scent of her hand, but I’d be a fool not to . Is this moving too fast? Judging by how my heart beats wildly in my chest, it might be. So I take a breath and look back into her beautiful brown eyes and promise to put her needs before mine. “I’ll go slow. I’ll do anything for you.”
It’s not only the physical that she means. It’s the issues we need to work through. They don’t have to be resolved in this car ride. The little moments we share give me the patience to sort it out in due time, like she needs.
She nods and then appears relieved by the release of a breath. Resting her head back, she says, “It’s pretty here. Different from what I expected.”
“What did you expect?” I round a bend that always signifies we’re close.
“I thought it would be pine trees everywhere and their needles on the ground.”
“There are pines, but there are also aspens and sumacs, and some coastal oaks around the lake.”
With her gaze directed out her window, she says, “I’m going to like it here.”
Every approval feels like a reward. When her guard is down, it’s a victory. But it wouldn’t be us if I didn’t seize the opportunity and give her a wink. “Even though you’re here against your will?”
“If I didn’t want to be here, I would have signed the papers, not rode along with you or helped you load the car.” The admission is dropped, causing my face to split into a ridiculous grin. She’s left me speechless, which is an impressive feat unto itself. “Don’t act so shocked.”
Does she realize the gift she’s giving me? The inkling of trust she’s put back in my hands? It might be small to her as she laughs softly, but it’s huge to me. I give her hand a squeeze, not needing words to do the labor.
She says, “Speaking of divorce.”
“Were we?” It’s become my least favorite topic over the ten months we were apart.
“Did you ever figure out why we’re married?” she asks, launching into it like it’s us against the state of California again.
“I didn’t, but I once had an idea.”
“What’s that?”
I feel the little squeeze she gives me. It feels good to be a team again. “I think we should retrace our steps.”
She starts smiling, already invested. “How do we do that twelve years after we graduated? Well, thirteen this month.” The concept takes her by surprise, causing her to blink hard. “How did time fly so fast?”
“Passed without warning.”
She closes her eyes, turning toward the window where the sun shines in. Opening her eyes, she smiles at me as if it’s been mine all along. “If only my eighteen-year-old self could see me now. I’m living every girl’s dream. Kidnapped by a rock star and taken to his secluded cabin in the mountains.” She tries not to laugh but fails. So do I. The sound of her melody brings me to life. I’ve missed this high so much.
“And here I thought we weren’t supposed to make that sound so naughty.”
With an easy shrug, she says, “I call it like I see it.”
“Careful with those confessions, or I might start thinking you’re into this fantasy.”
She shifts our hands to her lap and laughs again. “I’m okay with that.”
Holy shit.
I’m never going to be able to look at her without imagining taking her every which way in this cabin. Just the two of us for forty-eight hours. I thought I was the one in control of this weekend, but I’m damn certain Cat is. I can’t fucking wait to see where this goes.
With perfect timing to get this weekend started, I release her hand and make the sharp turnoff to the property. Pulling up to the gate, I shift into park and look over at her. “We’re here.”