Chapter Forty-two #2
She didn’t like that and turned her back to him.
That gave him the opportunity to look around, and shock hit him hard.
The place was a mess of boxes half packed, shit everywhere, booze bottles, pizza boxes, plates with dried up food and blankets strewn on the couch where she’d obviously been sleeping.
He took in her appearance and the disbelief just ramped up.
Her body seemed fragile, not something he’d ever have associated with Raven.
Her hair looked like it hadn’t seen a brush in ages, and her pale face had aged with lines that hadn’t been there before.
What scared him the worst came from the listless stare of her sad eyes, like she still dwelt in a place of horrors and couldn’t fight her way out.
Unable to stop himself, he moved into her space and wrapped his arms around her, feeling her stiffen, trying desperately to hold herself away but failing. Careful to keep his tone soft, he began to talk. “The day of the shooting, I was in Winona’s kitchen and found a family photo album.”
As if the innocuous words were the last thing she’d expected to hear, they drew her attention, so she relaxed against him.
He continued, “I saw a picture of my mother who we called Rhonda. When I asked Winona who the woman was, she told me the truth. The woman was known to her as Cissy… your mother. Seems that we’re related, Raven. You’re my half sister.”
Raven pushed back to look into his face. As if his smile convinced her, she suddenly reacted in her old way by throwing her arms around his neck and squeezing him close. She almost screamed, “You’re my brother?”
“Uh-huh. And you’re my big sister.”
“We’re family?”
“Yep. That’s why I had to come. I have a story I want to share with you. Will you let me?”
Raven suddenly seemed to realize her predicament. Her hands reached for her hair, and she looked down at her mangy clothes. “I’m a mess. Everything’s a mess. I’m sorry. Can I have a shower before we talk. I-I need to be clean. But don’t leave. I want to hear everything. Promise you won’t go.”
“No chance. I know you have a pizza coming. I’m sticking around.”
She laughed. Her face lit with so much joy, he had to swallow and force back the sentimental urge he had to reach out like he did with the kids and caress her face.
Though he’d meant to stop, he didn’t, and thankfully, she nuzzled into his hand gently before running from the room, calling gleefully behind her to wash two plates and look for the wine glasses in the sink.
By the time they settled in for their talk, the pizza had arrived, and he’d cleared away enough of the mess so things didn’t look quite so bad. Each grabbing a couple of slices of the still hot, aromatic pepperoni and mushroom pie, they both sat on the sofa and ate before getting serious.
Noah watched her shyly and loved when she faced him with a childlike grin. “Okay, I came to tell you something.”
“Before you start, how is Winona? And Cane? And Val and the kids? I miss them so much.”
Bluntly, he replied, “We’re all fine because we have each other.
You’re alone. That’s why I’m here.” Now that he had her attention, he began to tell her about how he and Louise met and fell in love, and how it felt when they had the children.
“Though life had settled into a routine,” he said, “it was a satisfying existence. Until we got the bad news about her terminal illness.”
Even though it unnerved him to go into those old destructive feelings of being shut out, he tried really hard to explain what Lousie had put him through by not letting him share her fears…
and more importantly her grief. How he’d crawl away to be on his own to suffer through his misery alone because she wouldn’t allow them to do that together.
And the worst of it was that by her treating him this way, it made him question his own worth.
By the time he’d finished his story, the one he’d practiced on the way into town and even the night before when he’d decided to make this happen, his body sagged and his brain numbed.
He’d said it all, told her things he’d never, ever admitted to anyone.
He’d watched her curl into a ball inside the blanket she’d wrapped around her shoulders, and it seemed as if she reverted to being a little girl.
Finally, after the silence lasted longer than was comfortable, she looked up, and he saw the tears in her eyes, making them sparkle from the lamplight next to her.
Shaking her head with an earnestness he appreciated, she finally spoke.
“God, I’m so sorry, Noah. I wished I’d known you both back then.
One feels so helpless, and yet we want to help so much. ”
He rubbed both hands through his hair and then linked them on his neck. “Girl, that’s exactly what you’re doing to Cane. And Winona. And me and Val and the kids who keep asking after you. You’re shutting us out the same way Louise did to me. And it’s fucked up. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
Suddenly, Raven let his words have precedence over the noise she’d been fighting since that fateful night. “Oh, Noah. Jesus. I’m so sorry. You’re right. All this time, I’ve been selfish. I can’t explain it. I had to fight to keep sane, and I only know how to do that alone.”
He looked around at the mess. “And how’s that been working for you?”
She saw his expression and brushing the tears away, her lips trembling, she replied, “Funny you should ask.”