Chapter 17
Specter
My phone loudly buzzing on my nightstand wakes me from a deep sleep. Goddammit. This better be good.
I swipe my screen to wake it up, squinting as my eyes adjust to the sudden brightness.
Wraith: Exotic bird has flown the coop.
My brow furrows. The fuck does that mean?
Me: Dude. What?
Wraith: Your bird.
I immediately look to my side to see the empty spot beside me and haul ass out of bed.
Me: Where is he?
Wraith: Veranda, but looks ready to bolt.
Me: Don’t let him. I’ll be right down.
I grab a pair of sweatpants and throw them on, not bothering with anything else, then I charge down the stairs to the back part of the house. Cashmere is sitting in the dark at one of the garden benches, visibly shivering as snow lightly falls, dotting his dark hair.
I open the French doors and step outside. “Cashmere.”
His shoulders stiffen as he turns to look at me. His cheeks and nose are red from the cold, but it’s his eyes that make me stumble. For the first time, I’m seeing real, unguarded emotion in them.
“What’s wrong?”
He shakes his head, trapping his bottom lip between his teeth and clutching his phone. “Go inside, Specter.”
“I’ll go inside when you come with me.”
He blows out a shaky breath, creating a white cloud before him. “I just need a little space. That’s all.”
Space? I don’t understand. Didn’t we have an amazing time tonight?
“I don’t get it.”
“I think I should go.” Cashmere gets to his feet. “I can stay with another dancer or maybe Rudy has room. It’s probably safe to go back to my apartment, even.”
I stomp across the space, ignoring how my bare flesh burns in the bitter cold. “If you think I’m letting you out of my sight, you’re dead wrong.”
“You don’t own me.” He shoves his hands against my chest, not moving me at all. “I can leave if I want to.”
“And go where? Your apartment? Have you considered that he’s probably chilling out right now to give you a false sense of security?”
“Then I’ll go somewhere else. I’ll get a hotel room.”
I rub my forehead. “Can you tell me what happened, ’cause I’m fucking confused.”
“I don’t have to tell you anything. I can leave if I want to.”
“No, you actually can’t.”
Cashmere narrows his eyes at me. “You don’t own me.”
Yeah, I fucking do, but instead of saying that, I give him a tight smile. “You came to me with a problem. That problem is not resolved yet. You’re not leaving.”
His eyes flit back and forth as he juts his chin out at me. “I can call the police.”
Now it’s my turn to narrow my eyes. I grab his arm, pulling him close to me. His eyes flash with heat and determination. “You don’t want to do that.”
I expect him to challenge me, but understanding sweeps across his features.
“I shouldn’t be here,” he whispers. “I can take care of myself.”
“And like I’ve already told you, you don’t have to anymore.
” I cradle his chin in my hand, holding his gaze.
“Whether you like it or not, I’m invested.
The minute I laid eyes on you I knew that was it.
So you can fight me, you can throw tantrums, you can be pissed off all you want.
But let me be extremely clear. You’re not leaving. ”
“So I’m a hostage?”
“A cherished guest.” My thumb brushes across his smooth cheek.
“A most beautiful and elegant addition to my gloomy world. You’re the sunlight, and I’ve been in the dark a very long time.
You’ll stay because you know you’re safe here.
You know I would burn this city down before I let someone touch a hair on your pretty little head. You know I’m your man.”
His bottom lip quivers before he tears his eyes away from me. “Let go of me, Specter.”
“Never.” I lean in and kiss his cheek. “Come upstairs willingly or by force. Your choice.”
He scoffs, trying to wrench his arm away, but I’ve had enough. I’m cold, my feet are freezing, and this has gone on long enough.
Without another word, I bend my knees and toss Cashmere over my shoulder. He shrieks, pounding his fists on my back as I trudge back inside the house with him. Wraith is there, grinning.
“I’ll get his bag, bror.”
I nod in acknowledgment, marching through the house and back upstairs. Halfway up, Cashmere stops fighting, slumping against me. In my bedroom, I set him down on the love seat, moving back just in time when he takes a swing at me.
I raise an eyebrow. “Really?”
“You’re out of line. How is this different from what my stalker wants to do to me?”
“Dammit, Cashmere.” I scrub my hand over my scruff. “What is your fucking problem? Have you never had a single person give a shit about you?”
He flinches, and I realize I hit a nerve. His parents dying, the upheaval after that… Fuck. I am an asshole.
“I care, alright?” I sit on the floor before him with my hands on his knees.
“I fucking care. This isn’t just about sex for me.
It’s not just about your beauty or how fucking exquisite you are.
I care. I want to keep you safe. I want to keep you forever.
So if that’s too much attention, too much devotion, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you. This is me.”
Cashmere’s eyes turn glossy. “It’s too much,” he whispers. “I don’t want to lose who I am.”
“I don’t want you to lose that either. I want to give you shelter so you can bloom and be free and safe and everything you are and want to be.
” I take his hand, noting how soft he is, how he trembles slightly.
“You shouldn’t fear me. I’m intense, I know that, but there are benefits to my attention. ”
He nods, swiping angrily at his eyes. “It’s not that I don’t like you or appreciate what you’ve done for me. It’s not that.”
“Then what is it? Can you tell me what went wrong? I thought tonight was… awesome.”
He wrings his hands, tucking his knees to his chest. “It’s just stuff I have to work out.”
“You can talk to me, Cashmere. You can tell me anything. You can tell me you hate me, that you think my dick is small, that I suck dick like trash. Whatever you want to say, I can take it.”
A small smile tugs at his lips as he huffs a breath. “What offends you?”
“Don’t know. Haven’t found it yet.”
When he doesn’t speak for a minute, I rise to my feet to walk over and start the electric kettle Whisper lent me. I’ll make him some tea. That seems to soothe him.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Making you some tea.”
“Of course you are.” He rocks back and forth, staring straight ahead.
I want him to tell me what set him off so badly that I can taste it, but as brutish as I am, I know better than to try to force someone to talk. It’s happened to me too many times for me to inflict that on someone else. No matter how much I want to.
A few minutes later, I carry a steaming cup of tea to the love seat and set it down in front of Cashmere. He looks at it, twisting his lips, before turning that beautiful, tortured gaze to me.
“I don’t know how to accept you.” His voice is so soft I almost don’t hear him.
“I don’t know how to let people in. It’s been safer not to, and I’m not convinced that it’s safe now.
I don’t understand what you want from me, from all of this.
I’m used to knowing. Men want to fuck me.
That’s it. Maybe they want me on their arm as candy for a bit, but they don’t want me.
All of me. I knew you wanted to fuck me and that’s something I can work with.
” He shakes his head. “But you’re not satisfied with just having my body. Are you?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“And I don’t know how to deal with that. I figured running would be easier than trying to understand it.”
I nod, happy he’s opened up a little. “Maybe this will help. I’ve never felt like this about someone.
Never wanted so desperately to touch another person in my life.
My sex life is quick, dirty, and casual, and until a few months ago, it was enough.
Then you walked out on that stage and my world shifted on its axis.
I didn’t question it. Didn’t ask myself how far this would go or what I hoped would happen.
I just trusted that the feeling inside was there for a reason.
I don’t need to understand it to know it’s real.
I don’t need to know the future to appreciate now. ”
I reach up and brush my fingers across his neck, and his breath hitches.
“What I can tell you is that you’ve never been safer since your loss.
I don’t want you to let go of any part of yourself for me.
That’s the opposite of what I want.” I lean in close and press a kiss to his lips.
“But, my beautiful man, if you think for one second I’m letting you go out into that cold, dark world again without my protection, you’re so damn wrong.
While I’m breathing, I’ll be right beside you. Like it or not, you’ll get used to it.”
Cashmere stares at me, wide-eyed. “And if I leave anyway?”
“I’ll find you. Get used to it, gorgeous. You’re mine now. You belong to me. If you can’t see how good that is today, you will eventually.”
“Awfully into yourself, aren’t you?”
“If you mean that I know what I offer, then sure. Am I worthy of you?” I shrug.
“Is anyone? But I’ll work harder than anyone else.
I’ll be everything you need and all the things you want because I won’t settle for less than that, and neither should you.
So yeah, I talk a big game because I plan to back it up. ”
Cashmere searches my eyes, and his are filled with so many emotions and unspoken words, I swear I could dive into them and drown.
“I’ll stay on one condition.”
“Name it.”
“I need some time to myself. It’s fine if I’m still here, but I need time to think and process without you hovering over me.”
His request pricks at me but I nod. “There’s plenty of space in this house.”
“Okay.”
“Drink your tea before it gets cold.”
He nods, his spirit seeming much calmer than it was. As he lifts the cup to his lips and blows on it, his eyes search mine. “I’ll try, okay? I’ll try to get used to accepting it.”
“Good enough for me, gorgeous.”
I’m tempted to remind him that he has no choice but acceptance. I won’t let him leave and neither will my brothers. He’s so used to being alone that he doesn’t remember what it feels like not to be.
Little did I know how smart it was that I held back from all the things I wanted to do to him tonight. It hurt to hold in my desires, but I sensed I would overwhelm him and I was right.
It’s okay though. I’ve got nothing but time. Cashmere will learn that he’s safe to be himself and pursue his goals and dreams. I’ve got his back.
And I’ll happily kill anyone who gets in his way.