Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
“ P enny for your thoughts?” Lalita probed.
“Huh?” I lifted my head off my forearms, then leaned into the sturdy back of the dining room chair, the carved filigree design dug into me. “When did you get here?” I blinked twice, then rubbed my temples. It had been two days since Jax took reality as I knew it and set it aflame.
She laughed. “Only a few minutes ago. You gave me a key, remember?” A clash of metal much too loud for my sensitive ears jangled as her wad of keys landed in the black and white damask fruit bowl. “Plus, you were drooling,” she said, then wrinkled her nose.
I swiped the back of my hand over my mouth but found no traces of saliva. “Cuntcake,” I muttered halfheartedly. “I just… never mind.” I sighed. Lalita's eyebrows rose, and her eyes widened with interest, so I deflected. “How was Professor Woodlyn’s class?”
“Don’t think I didn’t catch your quick change of subject, but I’ll let it go for now.” She said with a small smile. Oh, and he gave me another casserole for you.” She pointed at a large disposable pan covered in foil that was dwarfed compared to the table it rested on.
“Wow. I thought we were done with other people’s cooking. It’s been months since my dad died.”
Silence hung between us. That was the first time I used the word “died” out loud.
“It has. I know you miss him so much, Z.” Her shoulders slumped. “More than ever.” Lalita rubbed her arms and looked away.
I wanted to run upstairs. I couldn’t deal with the pity marring her tan face. “It kills me seeing you in so much pain and having no way to stop it.”
I looked down at my feet and pulled my sleeves over my hands, my fingers suddenly aching from the chill.
We didn’t say anything for a few seconds. “I’m going up to my room. If you need me…”
She waved her hand. “I know. I know.”
I jerked upright as my cheek slipped off my fist, my chin nearly colliding with the wooden desk. I always felt so weak the day after Mother took my blood. It was a struggle to focus as I forced myself to attend class after class. I never knew when she would command me to allow her to brush my hair.
My diminishing energy levels were a weakness I couldn’t afford. The mental shields protecting my mind withered like the vines climbing the tower. Goosebumps rose on my arms and I shivered.
The more I thought about it, the clearer the memory of Jax’s double became. He looked exactly the same in the memory. I wondered what advice Dad would give me about it.
Maybe I could talk to him and get some actual answers. My stomach spasmed, and the gorge rose, thick and hot, to the back of my throat.
I can’t. He’s dead.
I covered my mouth and ran to my onsite bathroom. My knees crashed against black-and-white checkered tile moments before my stomach emptied itself into the toilet. Sweat popped out on my forehead as I heaved, my body shaking with strain.
For the first time since his death, his not being there paralyzed me. I covered my face with my hands and let out a half-sob. I couldn’t breathe properly. I would never see him again. I guess I knew that, but his death never seemed permanent.
Dad’s laugh tinkered through my mind as I gripped the edge of the bowl. His smile weaved its way through each thought. I couldn’t escape him.
I fell back onto my heels, then crawled to the corner and curled my body between the claw-foot tub and the eggplant painted wall. Pain sprouted along my jaw as I pulled my knees up and wedged them beneath my chin, but the sensation hardly registered.
Agony coated the marrow in my bones. I suddenly missed the lectures he would give me and our late-night talks filled with stories about the eighties. I wanted those moments back with him more than anything. A sob tore from my throat as grief overtook me, drowning me in its unforgiving waters.
With each tear that fell, frost spread over the gaping hole in my heart left by Dad’s absence. It threatened to shatter my mind into shards of insanity.
The darkness beneath my ribs swelled, reminding me of its presence. No. I can’t take any more. Images flashed through my mind, moving faster and faster with each one. Jax in the memory, and his palm on my chest in reality.
I rocked back and forth with each rush of emotion that pulsated through me; the room trembled. Framed pictures of Lalita and I fell from their hooks, and my collection of crystals jumped on their shelves behind the glass of my antique cabinet. The sculpted wood lining the top splintered.
“No. No, no, no, no!” I screamed. “Make it fucking stop,” I sobbed. My fingers tunneled into my thick, blonde braid and tugged violently on the roots. A burn spread over my scalp, loose strands glittering mockingly as they fell to the thick black carpet.
Warmth surrounded me, strong arms held the pieces of my psyche together as they squeezed around me.
“Shhh.” A deep voice whispered. “Fuck. Breathe, baby girl. I’ve got you.”
My head swam and black spots covered my vision before everything went dark.
My eyelids flickered, then opened. Murky light trickled through my stained-glass window. The thick bars attached to the frame on the inside, casting deep shadows across the foot of my bed.
What the hell happened?
I wiggled my toes and attempted to arch my back, but froze. A warm hand rested on the column of my throat, a heavy forearm lying heavily between my breasts. I inhaled deeply, fully inflating my lungs. The scent of cinnamon and pine was so intoxicating I could taste it. Him.
It was then that I noticed the nagging feeling of dread that always plagued me while I dwelled under my mother’s roof, softer and less grating while I was cocooned in Jax’s embrace, his hand collared the column of my throat loosely.
The sharp lines of his face, so animated while awake, smoothed in sleep, almost peaceful, as if he didn’t have a care in the world. I may have not known him for long at all, but it felt as if I’d known him for years.
His eyes fluttered open. He groaned, then nuzzled his face into my neck. Wetness pooled between my thighs as he squeezed the hand around my throat once.
“Your scent is intoxicating, pet,” Jax said, then sucked on my earlobe. I gripped the sheets, my breaths coming out in pants. The next thing I knew, he had rolled on top of me and pinned my wrists above my head in one smooth movement.
“Get off me, Ax.”
He chuckled and pressed me deeper into the mattress with his hips, his thick erection trapped between us. “What did you just call me?” He rumbled.
“Um…Ax? Give me a break. I haven’t had coffee yet.”
With his free hand, he wrapped the long length of my hair around his fist and tugged. “I like it.” His cock twitched against my belly through his boxer briefs.
Wait, what the fuck?
“Why the hell are you in my bed, asshole?” I spat, my arousal vanishing. Something wasn’t right.
His grin fell, then he rolled off me and onto his side. “Do you remember anything from last night?” He questioned as he stood, then stretched. His tight white t-shirt rose, revealing the bottom of his cut abdomen, the smattering of his happy trail and adonis’ belt daring me to look lower. The muscles in his arms bulged obscenely as he hinged at the waist and grabbed his pants.
I tried to hold on to my anger, but it was near impossible to stay focused whenever he was near.
“You look good in white.” I bit my lip, and I stripped him bare with my gaze. Jax’s eyes darted to my mouth and his breath stuttered.
He cracked a smile. “Well, fuck me. Did you just give me a compliment, pet?”
“Don’t get used to it,” I warned.
“You didn’t answer my question.” He stared at me long enough that heat crawled across my cheeks.
The events of the previous night crashed over me like a tidal wave, each emotion slashing at me as they fought to the forefront of my mind. My hands balled into fists and I squeezed my eyes shut, then muttered, “Unfortunately, yes.” I raised my chin. “I still can’t make sense of everything after my grief flared. I…It felt like I was drowning until a warm presence enveloped me. That was you?”
He nodded, then sat and slid long, muscular legs into his jeans. “I was nearby when I heard your screams. I tried to ignore them.” Jax rubbed his sternum. “But the darkness wouldn’t allow it. It pulled me toward you, despite my efforts to resist.”
The dark unknown within me stirred, and I flinched. Why was he nearby to begin with? I should question him, but he was there for me when I needed him.
“I’m going to pop in the shower. Care to join me?” He stepped closer, then snatched my waist and dragged me into his chest. “Mmm, our naked bodies slick with soap…the possibilities are endless,” he said, then chuckled darkly.
I appreciated his abrupt change of subject, but it did not help my confusion. The image of Jax forcing my face into the tile of the shower and his cock drilling into me flashed across my mind. No, Zellie. Don’t get distracted. Caffeine first, always. I cleared my throat, then stepped back. “I’m going to get coffee. Want some?”
“Absolutely. The shower can wait. I like this plan better, anyway; your scent is marked all over me.”
I turned to grab my purse and let out a sharp cry as Jax’s palm cracked against my ass. “Let’s go.” Urged Jax. He pushed strands of brown hair away from my eyes.
“Actually, I’m meeting Lalita.” I didn’t want to risk Jayde and Amara seeing Jax and me together… the inevitable fight of that encounter was too exhausting to even think about.
Jax narrowed his eyes, then he crossed his arms over his chest. The tattoos on his muscular forearms flexed obscenely with the simple movement. “I’ll walk you to the gates of campus, then.”
I exhaled slowly. “Okay.”
I texted Lalita.
Meet you at the academy, L. Going to be late.
I tucked my phone away and stepped out the front door. He followed. We walked by the neatly trimmed gardens all lined up in front of houses that looked the same. The sounds of the bees distracted me. I looked around to see where they were and spotted two by a bunch of calendula flowers. We cut through a shortcut and I caught my sweater on a bramble. It may have been sunny, but it was still cold.
“Here,” he said and freed the thorns from my sleeve.
The sun hit his hair, bringing out the golden shades amongst the dark.
We eventually reached the gates. “Thanks for last night. It meant a lot to me.” I tried to keep my tone upbeat.
“Sure. I’ll see you later,” Jax said, then winked.
It felt off being friendly with Jax. Every interaction before now was thick with hate…but I couldn’t deny the sexual tension, especially with what happened in the library, and that he saved me from completely spiraling to the point of no return last night.
I spotted Jayde walking up to the gym, where she and her group of friends would meet. She looked at me, gave me the stink-eye, then turned away. I wish I knew what her problem was.