Chapter 6 #2
“But if I don’t control myself—" Raduna mumbles, which makes Magnar snicker so rudely, my knight falls silent. He glares at his king, who has the audacity to ruffle Raduna’s red hair.
“What big bad thing are you hiding from the world, hmm?” Magnar’s manner is playful, though his eyes flash with serious intent. “Is there some enormous failing of character, a horrible flaw that will come out once you lose control? Tell me.”
“Only my peasant blood,” Raduna spits with defiance.
“Oh.” Magnar nods, pretending to consider it. “And here I thought it’s because the one time you let loose in a tavern with your friends, your house burned down with your family inside. I thought you’re terrified it will happen again if you allow yourself to have a spot of fun—how foolish of me.”
I press my hand to my mouth, understanding flooding my mind. Raduna stares daggers at Magnar, his entire body taut with tension. I think he’ll attack or maybe flee, but all he does is take a deep, strained breath and move his jaw until it loosens.
“Not foolish, my king.”
“Thought so.” Magnar crouches down by his side, clasping Raduna’s forearm.
“I can’t promise you it won’t happen. I can’t say for sure I will protect you from another calamity like that.
Gods know I have nightmares about losing Caliane and the children, or losing you, my other knights, or of Roharra going up in flames—take your pick.
But that’s life. If you care about something enough to hurt when you lose it, fear is inevitable. ”
Raduna forces a wan smile onto his lips. “Is that supposed to reassure me?”
“Let me finish.” Magnar pinches the bridge of his nose, looking for the right words. “So I can’t promise you any of that, but I can tell you what I do when the fear threatens to swallow me whole.”
I sit still, a tender ache of love and understanding spreading in my chest, because I have those nightmares, too. I never knew Magnar did. We didn’t speak of it, but maybe we should.
“When I wake up terrified that one of my precious people will die a horrible death, I seek them out in the dark or go to their room, if the nightmare is about Nisha or Sameel. And then I look at them and force myself to notice the truth—that they are alive and here. Fear makes you think the terrible thing is inevitable, but it’s rarely true.
It’s just a thought, and reminding myself what’s real always works like a charm. ”
I sigh with a smile. “You know, I do that, too,” I whisper. “When Nisha was born, I was afraid for months someone would snatch her away. So every time that happened, I just held her and reminded myself what’s real.”
Infinite warmth fills my husband’s silver eyes when he looks at me. We nod at each other, then turn to Raduna. I push closer to the edge of the tub and tangle my fingers in his hair.
“So look around,” I say softly. “You just let loose, my knight. You gave up control for a while. Now take a good look at the consequences. What do you see?”
Raduna gasps as if suddenly coming back to himself and looks up first at me, then Magnar. He clears his throat and when he speaks, he sounds quite sheepish and no longer angry.
“The keep is not on fire. In fact, nothing bad has happened.”
I nod. “Yes. And we’ll try again someday, and then you’ll look around at the consequences, and maybe slowly we’ll tame that fear of yours.”
He smiles, warm but tired, and leans in to give me a soft kiss. “Thank you, Caliane. And you, too.”
He nods at Magnar, then stands up with a grunt. He turns to the door, then back to me, looking hesitant. “My queen, may I leave?”
I wave him away, knowing Magnar can help me out of the tub just as well. My husband fishes my hand from the water and kisses my knuckles.
“Fifteen more minutes until supper, love.”
His eyes sparkle and glitter, and I realize what he wants. A groan tears out of my throat, because I am utterly spent.
“Not you, too! My pussy has handled enough goodbyes for one day, thank you very much.”
Magnar frowns, but he must figure it out quickly, because he bursts out laughing.
“Fuck, of course. I should have known this was going to happen, but I was too preoccupied with my mother’s health.
No, love, I don’t have to fuck you tonight, and I definitely don’t care how I have you after.
It’s enough that I do. Let’s get you dry, hmm?
Tell your pussy it’s quite safe from me. ”
He takes me out of the tub and swats my hands away when I try to dry myself.
Instead, my husband, the king, gets down on his knees in front of me and strokes my skin with the soft towel, giving me mischievous, seductive looks.
My knees weaken, and I sigh when I realize I might have one more romp in me, after all.
Magnar has some kind of magic I am unable to resist.
But we’re almost late for supper, and it’s important to be punctual to the table. Meals are our family time, and they are sacred. I need a distraction, and I remember just in time Magnar doesn’t know yet what I discovered about the cause of Idrina’s malaise.
“So she misses Father,” he says with a frown after I explain what I learned earlier. “You know, I remember that jewelry set now. Does she truly wear it? I didn’t see it on her today.”
I shrug on a dress, and Magnar runs a brush through my hair.
“When I saw her, she had the ring on, but she could have easily hidden it in the blankets if she didn’t want you to see.
She held the necklace in her hand, and she told me she rarely puts on the brooch.
Do you think she’s ashamed of wearing it?
I can’t imagine Idrina giving a duck’s tail about what other people think. ”
“I’m not sure, but I do know one thing: we have to find that brooch.”
“Agreed.”
Magnar takes my hand and pulls me outside just when the excited voices of our children ring in front of our door.
He scoops Nisha in his arms and I pick up Sameel, who immediately pulls at my neckline, making impatient noises.
He eats solids for most of his meals, but I still give him the breast in the morning and evening.
I help him latch on and carry him while Magnar questions Nisha about her day.
She tells us with breathless excitement about archery practice with Khay.
“Only Alda and Shami were allowed to shoot because I’m too small, but Papa Khay said I can start practicing next year! He’ll get me a special bow! You’ll have to come and watch!”
She bounces in Magnar’s arms, and he laughs, kissing her forehead. “Of course, my fierce warrior daughter. You’ll make a formidable queen, shooting her own enemies. Though do start with wooden targets. I’m afraid we suffer from a dearth of foes who deserve shooting these days.”
I smile, holding my baby boy close, and watch my husband with our daughter without fear or apprehension, only love, because I know she’s safe with him.