Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
NOVA
Standing on his back deck, I feel like my whole world has shifted beneath me. My entire messed up life was caused by my brother and the man I’ve fallen in love with. I don’t know what to do, or what to think. Hearing Nash say what our stepfather did to him broke my heart. I wanted to hold him in that moment, but anger, so much anger flows through my body at what he and Spider had done. I hear the door open behind me and turn to see Spider holding out a warm cup of tea.
“Thought you might want this,” he says, offering it.
I take it from him. “Thanks,” I mutter.
He stands next to me, sliding his hands into his pockets. “Look, be angry at me all you want, but don’t punish him.” I look at him and see his green eyes full of sadness and pain. “We were fucked up kids. For years he suffered abuse. He wanted payback, and he needed that. He assumed you had been put into care.” He sighs. “There is a reason your brother and I bonded; to live through that, to have your childhood stolen from you in that fucking way, it’s something you never overcome, but if you can make the pain go away, even if it’s for a minute while watching your abuser burn to death, then it’s fucking worth it,” he states. He looks away, and I see his jaw is gritted tight as he fights his emotions. “He has been punished enough for thinking he had killed you in that house. He thought you were dead all this time, and he thought he had killed his baby sister. He kept that to himself, tortured himself for it. Be angry at me. Fucking hate me if it means you forgive him.”
“I don’t hate him,” I whisper.
He nods. “Good.” He pauses. “You can leave here as soon as we’ve taken care of Dean,” he says before he turns to walk back inside.
“Luca,” I call. He turns and looks at me over his shoulder. “Would you have told me if you didn’t have to?” I ask.
He sighs. “Eventually. The guilt would have destroyed me, but I would have kept it a secret until you fell in love with me. Then I would pray. I would pray so fucking hard that you loved me enough to forgive me.” He watches me, his green eyes piercing my soul.
I open my mouth, wanting to tell him that I love him, but I don’t. I’m unsure if I love him enough to forgive him.
I stay out on the deck until the sun begins to set. I’m grateful that they’ve left me alone. I’ve sat in the chair staring out into the garden, thinking everything over, replaying my life, replaying the times I remember with Nash at home. How he would play with me, feed me, brush my hair, help me with my shoes… He never left my side. He sheltered me from a lot of what was happening until he could take no more. It makes me think of Dean and how much longer I could have taken it until I finally snapped. If I hadn’t gotten away when I did, would I have done the same?
The door creeks open and Nash walks out. “I’m going to head off. When you’re ready to talk to me, or if you even want to talk, then just get Spider to call me,” he says before turning to walk back inside.
“Nash,” I state. He stops, turning to face me. I jump up from my chair and wrap my arms around his neck. His arms instantly wrap tightly around me, hugging me back. “I’m sorry,” I sob.
He squeezes me tighter. “You never need to be sorry,” he chokes out. I loosen my hold and look up at him, seeing his eyes are red as he fights back the emotion. “I caused you pain. I was the reason you found Dean. There won’t be a day that I won’t feel responsible for that. I won’t ever forgive myself for it,” he states.
“We both lived through hell, and not because of each other, but because of our parents. I don’t think I was ever angry at you, but the situation in which it created. I understand why you did what you did. I think that if I didn’t get away when I did, I would have done something similar with Dean,” I admit.
Nash kisses the top of my head and pulls me back into his hold. We stand there for a moment, just holding each other. Years have gone by where we both would have needed this love and support from a sibling. When your life fails you, when your parents fail you, it’s your siblings that can be the ones that hold you when no one else will, to comfort you when you’re alone, making even the shittiest of lives feel that little bit better.
Nash releases his hold on me. Taking a step back, he slides his hands into his pockets. “No one knows the abuse,” he states, his eyes pleading with me.
“I won’t tell a soul,” I promise.
He breathes out a sigh of relief. “Thanks.” He pauses. “Look, I know I’m in no position to be asking for favours, but is there any chance of you forgiving Spider?” he asks.
I sigh. “I may need a little more time,” I admit.
Nash nods. “I get it.” He pulls me in for one last hug. “You need me, any day, any time, I’m there. You are not on your own anymore,” he says softly.
I swallow back my tears and nod, stepping back. “Go on, before I cry some more.” I sniff, smiling.
Nash smirks. “I will try and come over tomorrow. Be gentle with Spider.” He winks playfully before closing the door behind him.
I stay outside with the blanket wrapped around my shoulders, not quite sure when I should go in. I don’t know what to say to Luca. I’m not sure how I feel or what to do with those feelings.
“I’ve ordered in some pizza if you’re hungry,” Luca says from behind me.
I jump and spin around. I had been completely lost in my own thoughts and I didn’t hear the door open.
I nod and walk past him as he holds the door for me. Taking a seat on the couch, I look at the coffee table. There are a couple of pizza boxes, along with a can of soda for me and a beer for him. The open fire warms the air with its roaring flames.
He sits down next to me and begins to lift the lids on the pizza boxes. “I wasn’t sure what you would want so I got a vegetable one and a meat one,” he says, gesturing to the boxes. I grab a napkin and reach for a slice of the meat one before I sit back on the couch and tuck my feet up. He grabs the remote and puts the TV on.
It feels awkward, and I don’t know what to say to him. We sit in silence eating the pizza, both of us pretending to watch what is on the TV.
“He used to take me to watch baseball games,” he says suddenly, breaking the silence. I look at him confused. “My step father, he would spoil me. I’d have all the latest things; video games, you name it, I had it. It started just after my 8 th birthday. He took me fishing, just me and him. Male bonding time he called it,” he states, staring at a spot on the carpet. “At first, he would just get me to touch him, then other some other stuff. The gifts soon stopped, and he replaced it with beatings. He would beat me, and he would beat my mom. He manipulated us in the beginning, tricked us. I didn’t suffer the abuse for as long or as brutal as Acid. My stepfather found booze and he would drink morning, noon, and fucking night. When he wasn’t beating my mom, he was beathing me. I stabbed him. I slammed an axe into his arm as he was beating my mom. She was pregnant with my baby brother.” He sighs. “She lost the baby, and he lost his arm,” he says. “I wanted to kill him. I wanted to hunt him down and slit his fucking throat for what he had done to me and to my mom,” he grits out. Tears fill my eyes. “Your brother and I, we kept those secrets, even from each other, until one night when we thought we would freeze to death. We sat huddled together, confessing our horrors. The next day, we met Ghost, and our lives changed for the better.” He turns to look at me. “I never meant to keep it from you. It’s something I thought we would take to our graves. We had lived through our nightmares, and neither of us wanted to talk or relive those moments again.” He pauses and reaches up, wiping away a lone tear that’s fallen down my cheek, caressing his thumb along my cheek. “When you turned up that day, I was sure you were a fake. I watched the house burn to the ground, and I knew there was no way it could be you. You woke those feelings from back then and it brought back a lot for me. Man, you fucked with my head and my heart from day one.” He smiles. “When I found out you were really you, I drowned in guilt. I didn’t want to face you. I didn’t want like you, but you didn’t make it fucking easy. No matter how much I tried to push you away, to get you out of my head, there you were. I don’t deserve you. For what I’ve done, I will never fucking deserve you,” he states, his voice cracking with emotion. He pauses, watching me for a long moment before he drops his hand from my face and stands. “I think I’m just going to get to bed. I’ve made the spare room up for you.” He sighs. “Good night,” he says as he begins to walk up the stairs to bed.
I sit there alone in his living room, processing everything he said. As I lean back, I think over everything, a million thoughts running through mind. Physically and emotionally drained, I curl up until I can no longer keep my eyes open.
The TV wakes me up some time in the middle of the night. I rub my eyes and sit up, noticing that a blanket has been placed on me. Looking around, I notice the table is clear of pizza boxes and instead a glass of water is there. I get up from the couch and make my way upstairs. I stand outside of Luca’s bedroom door for a moment before I quietly open it. I walk in and look at him sleeping, feeling my heart swell at the sight. I smile. He is what makes me happy. Neither of us can change the past, but I want my future to be happy, and I can only see that happening with Luca in it.
“Luca,” I call. I place my hand on his and give him a gentle shove. “Luca,” I call again.
He opens his eyes, squinting. “What is it? You okay?” he asks, sitting up.
“Ask me,” I blurt out.
He frowns, looking at me. “Ask you what?” he asks, confused.
“Ask me if I love you enough to forgive you,” I answer.
He doesn’t say anything for what feels like forever. After a moment, he gets out of bed and stands there, staring at me, assessing me. “Do you love me enough to forgive me?” he asks.
I close the distance between us, stopping just in front of him. He looks down at me, waiting for my answer. “I love you enough that there is no longer anything to forgive,” I say softly.
His eyes stare deeply into mine. “I will never be worthy of your love, but I will spend every minute of every fucking day trying to be the man you deserve,” he states.
“You are worthy, and you are more than I will ever deserve,” I whisper across his lips.
He bends down and picks me up. I immediately wrap my legs around his waist.
“I’m about to show you exactly what you deserve right now. In my bed, with my mouth, my fingers, and my cock,” he threatens.