23. Tenderness and Turbulence
CHAPTER 23
TENDERNESS AND TURBULENCE
ZOE
T he hospital made me leave in a wheelchair. I tell Ledger that if he values our partnership, this mission, and all of his limbs, he better not try to make me board the plane in a wheelchair. He suggests crutches. It’s only been fifteen hours since my surgery, and I’m still feeling every bit of that fall. I know my leg is bad, but I can tell without even trying the crutches that it will be disastrous. My hurt ribs won’t be able to take it.
Besides , the boot has my leg pretty protected. My body is exhausted, though, so when the attendant who drove us across the tarmac offers to take both mine and Ledger’s bags up the ramp and into the plane, I’m grateful.
I’m also grateful for Ledger’s careful and steadying arms as I struggle to make it up the ramp. My body is too weak for this, and I keep wondering why I turned down the stupid wheelchair. It’s not like stopping twice on the way up to catch my breath is making me look any less frail.
When we step onto the plane, Ambassador Connolly and Evan O’Brien turn to greet us. I must look terrible because I catch the micro-expression of shock that crosses the ambassador’s face before he schools it into a pleasant smile and welcomes us aboard.
“ Thank you so much for coming out of your way to get us,” Ledger says. “ If you are ever in a position where I can possibly repay your kindness in any way, please reach out.”
I think back to how I pictured each of us would react if someone gave us both paragliding equipment, a target landing point in the distance, and ten minutes before jumping off a cliff. I figured Ledger would spend that ten minutes making friends with whoever else was on the cliff instead of preparing to jump.
I have to admit that maybe his method isn’t all bad.
O’Brien is saying something about hurling that I can’t focus on when Ambassador Connolly interrupts to say, “ But we can catch up later. I think we better get Ms . Steele to a seat before she collapses.”
I give him a grateful smile, even if I’m embarrassed to be seen looking so incapable. I can’t put any weight on my leg with the boot, and honestly, I’m struggling to keep my other knee from buckling.
The nurse at the hospital said that even though I’d be able to leave the hospital sometime tomorrow, it would be at least a week before I could travel on a commercial flight, and the CIA couldn’t get a jet to us anytime soon. I’m sure Ledger would’ve had to fly back long before then. Apparently , he wasn’t okay leaving me injured, in need of care, and alone in an unfamiliar city where I don’t speak the language. He takes the maxim “leave no one behind” very seriously.
We head back to the same room that closes off from the rest of the plane that we traveled in on our way to Dublin , and Ledger helps me to get situated in the seat. I am so tired, but my stomach starts grumbling loudly. I don’t even remember when I last ate. Was it that vending machine bag of nuts while on the train?
Ledger hears my stomach, too, and grins . He leaves for a moment, then comes back with our bags. He puts his on his seat, opens it, and pulls out a brown paper box before putting his bag on the floor. Then he put the box on the small table between us and opens it out wide, flattening it.
“ I didn’t want you to leave Turkey without having Turkish cheese.” He glances at the window behind me. “ And we haven’t taken off yet, so we are still in Turkey .”
He got me cheese? I am too injured, too tired, and too hungry to handle all of the emotions welling up in my chest. It’s even making my eyes well up.
“ This ,” he says, holding up a small container, “is Lor . It’s kind of crumbly, but it’s got some herbs mixed in. It’s high in protein and low in fat, so I figured it’s perfect for eating post-surgery.
“ And this,” he says, unwrapping a white cheese that is sliced, “is Beyaz Peynir from Ezine . I wanted to get you some Dive Obruk Peyniri — it ripens for up to a year in a cave, while sewn into a dried goatskin. ” He shivers. “ It smelled like the floor of a barn, so you would’ve loved it, but I didn’t think bringing that stench onto the plane would be the best way to thank the Ambassador for his generosity.”
“ It definitely would’ve been offensive to bring something so tasty on board if you didn’t offer him any.”
Ledger gasps in mock horror. “ But I like the ambassador. Oh , and I also got some berries, some nuts, and these cracker things that are supposed to be high in fiber. All are supposed to help you recover.”
He leaves for a moment to go get us some sparkling water from Saoirse , and I just gaze at the spread. This is not the meal Ledger would have chosen for himself, I am sure of it. He chose every item here with me in mind. I dab at my lower lid with my knuckle. This is one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me, and I don’t know how to respond.
Ledger returns with two bottles, and says, “ You must be starving. Let’s dig in!”
So I do. I try the crumbly, herby Lor cheese and revel at the taste and texture. It’s mild, yet so full of flavor. As if the herbs brought out all its best qualities. Then I try the Beyaz Peynir . It’s so deliciously creamy and has such a rich flavor that I moan eating it. I try each of the two cheeses with the crackers, each with berries. Each with nuts. And I try them together. Somehow , they taste so different yet so perfect every way I try them.
I notice that Ledger is doing more watching me than he is eating cheese. “ It’s just so good,” I say. “ Eat some more.”
Eventually , my stomach is no longer growling, and I sit back, feeling more content than I have in a while.
“ How are you feeling?” Ledger asks.
“ Everything still hurts, but it hurts less with a belly full of delicious cheese.”
He laughs, and it’s such a good laugh. “ You look tired. Do you need to sleep?”
I nod, and say, “ I expect you to have eaten the rest of that cheese by the time I wake up.”
Ledger gets up, helps me to get my seat turned and reclined perfectly, and then arranges the pillows that Saoirse brought in under my leg, under my head, and at the sides of my hurt ribs. He takes off my one shoe, and then spreads a blanket over me, making sure I’m covered. He’s so careful and tender about every bit of it that it’s almost more than I can take.
“ Thank you,” I whisper.
He nods. “ Let me know if you need anything. Even if I’m asleep. I’ve set my alarm to go off when it’s time for you to take medicine. I don’t know how you respond to someone waking you up in the middle of the night, but remember it’s just me. Don’t assume I’m a thief breaking in or something, because I don’t think either of us will fare well if you attack me.”
I chuckle, even though it hurts my ribs, and nod.
He tosses a pillow and blanket on his seat, then closes the window shades and turns off the lights before getting in his own seat and reclining it.
I shift a bit to get more comfortable. Between those two close buildings by the citadel, that pipe, and the cobblestone ground, I’ve got bruises all over, including— I found out before I left— on my spleen. I couldn’t have told you where my spleen was located in my body before today, but now, I’m acutely aware. Especially because the pain radiates to my left shoulder and chest.
I reach a hand up to grab hold of the pendant on my necklace, like I always do for comfort, but it’s not there. It’s probably the fifth time since waking up from surgery and realizing it’s gone that I’ve reached for it, and I feel the pang of its loss every time.
I hear Ledger getting situated in his seat, but it’s too dark in here to see him. Still , though, I keep looking in his direction, marveling at how much he’s shown he cares for me. The thing about being so good at reading body language is that it’s easy to guess how people feel about you. I can tell when someone looks at me and appreciates what they see. I can tell when someone is awed by my skills.
Right now, I’ve got neither of those things going for me. I look like I fell off a building in the pouring rain, got all bruised and broken, had surgery, left the hospital early, and then got on a plane. And I can’t do a single impressive thing right now. I can’t even walk up a ramp on my own.
Yet every bit of body language that Ledger is showing is confirmed by every other bit. There is no deception— the feelings he’s showing are genuine. It’s … unsettling. I don’t understand it. I just keep looking in his direction in the darkness, trying to figure out what might be going on in his head, until my eyelids are too heavy to stay open, and I let myself fall asleep.