26. Crouching Spies, Hidden Crush
CHAPTER 26
CROUCHING SPIES, HIDDEN CRUSH
ZOE
W e’ve surveilled the area, and Owen , the guy Charlie is interested in, isn’t outside at the historic theater. He isn’t gone, though, because the front door to the theater is propped open, and Charlie recognizes the truck out front as his. So he must be inside. Which , honestly, isn’t surprising. Almost all time on any stakeout is spent staring at a building, so this is completely normal.
What isn’t normal is being on a stakeout with civilians. Especially when those civilians you are crouched with behind a couple of pallets of bricks are the sister and the future sister-in-law of the guy you’ve been falling in love with.
At least I assume that’s what this is— I’ve never actually been in love before to know how it feels. All I know is that a year and a half ago, in Moldova , I didn’t think it was real, and now it feels very real. Everything about now is different. My feelings toward Ledger are stronger. Deeper . And even when I’m focusing on something else entirely, he’s on my mind. I even dream about him.
I keep imagining the two of us doing regular things together. Sharing a place, giving each other a kiss before heading off to work in the mornings— even if work is taking us to two very different parts of the world, going to the grocery store, practicing counter-surveillance techniques during date nights, decrypting coded messages over breakfast, conducting threat assessments on our neighbors. Regular , everyday stuff.
The strangest thing about this past week is that I’ve spent it away from work but near Ledger . And if I was given the choice of which of the two I had to give up while recovering, I would give up work. Not Ledger . It has never even been fathomable to me that I would ever choose a person over my job.
Yet here I am.
Maybe it’s just me, though. Because even though Ledger has been at my side this entire week I’ve been off work, he hasn’t tried to kiss me. Not once. We were only in Moldova for three days. It felt like eons longer, but that was how long it was. Three days. He kissed me on Day Two .
Yet he’s been at my side in my hotel for seven days and nothing. Since leaving for Dublin on the Ambassador’s plane, Ledger and I have gone from being practically enemies to becoming friends to becoming something well beyond friends. At least I want it to be more than friends. But the fact that he hasn’t kissed me yet makes me wonder if he doesn’t. Maybe he’s fine with the way things are now.
But what do I know? I don’t have any real relationship experience. Every relationship I’ve had has been fake on some level. I don’t have enough familiarity with any of this to know.
And I definitely don’t have enough familiarity when it comes to hanging out with family. I’ve met Evelyn , Charlie , Emerson , and Jace all as Intelligence Operative Zoe Steele . I’ve worked with them on a mission now. I was starting to get a little comfortable around them, almost like coworkers.
But here, I am not Intelligence Operative Zoe Steele . I’m just Zoe . Or Ledger’s Girlfriend Zoe . Right ? Is that what I’m called at this point in the relationship? Does it automatically happen at a certain point, or is it something you have to agree to in words? I have no idea.
And I’m not quite sure how to act. Operative Zoe knows how to act in any situation. Girlfriend Zoe ? Not so much. All my knowledge and experience should translate to this situation, yet I feel a bit out of place. Like an outsider. As if Ledger’s family is a rugby team that was down a player and pulled me in from the sidelines to play for their side, assuming I know all the rules, yet I don’t actually know any of them.
Not knowing is like having your bra clasp break while undercover at a black tie event—uncomfortable and embarrassing when all eyes are on you.
Thankfully , they’re not. Charlie is peeking around the corner, even though we have a surveillance camera on top of the bricks, aimed in that direction, that is broadcasting to the tablet in Mackenzie’s hands and to the one in the SUV with Ledger’s brothers. Everyone else’s eyes are on the screen.
I’m crouched on my left leg with my right leg and its cumbersome boot awkwardly stretched out to the side. Ledger is crouched next to me. His leg is brushing up against mine, and it feels like it’s electric, sending thrilling currents up my leg. My upper arm is brushing against his, and his face is only about fifteen inches from mine. All I want to do right now is turn forty-five degrees, wrap my arms around his neck, and kiss him good and hard on the lips. Even if it knocks us both over onto the dirt-covered asphalt and compromises the mission. Even if it hurts my broken rib and bruised spleen.
Of course, I do care about this mission. I care about Charlie and Mackenzie , even though I barely know them. I know that Ledger cares about this mission, too. And if this thing between us is real for him, too, I don’t want to mess it up.
But I have to know if he wants our relationship to be something more, and I don’t want to wait any longer to find out. Ledger’s arm is at his side, in the small space between our bodies. My hand is on my knee, but I drop it to the space where Ledger’s is, causing our arms to touch from nearly shoulder to wrist. The sensation sends a buzzing up my arm and right into my chest. I’m barely breathing as I bump the back of my hand ever so gently against his. It’s subtle enough that he could act like he thought the touch was accidental and not respond at all.
Almost immediately, he responds by brushing my knuckles with his before moving his hand to the other side of mine, sliding his fingers into mine. I nearly whimper at the touch. It means he, too, wants our relationship to be something more than the friends we’ve become.
It’s not like we haven’t touched before— the man even carried me when I was injured— but this touch carries so much more weight. He would carry any injured person because that’s the kind of guy he is. But this? Hand holding? It feels like he’s choosing me . Only me. It makes my chest feel like it’s soaring.
“ So do you live in town, too?” Mackenzie has turned her head to look at me over her shoulder.
I’ve been so deep in my own world that her question catches me off-guard and I drop Ledger’s hand. “ Oh . Um , no— I usually live in McLean , close to CIA headquarters.”
Charlie turns toward me, too, her eyebrows drawn together. “ Usually ? Do you not always live in the same place?”
I shake my head. “ I live in a hotel and don’t always choose the same one.”
“ You live there?” Charlie says. “ Like , temporarily?”
“ No , permanently. I’m not home much, so it doesn’t feel like it matters where I am.”
“ So ,” Mackenzie says, “you just moved in all your stuff?”
“ Everything I own fits into two suitcases— a carry-on size and a check-in size.” Both Mackenzie and Charlie are just looking at me, seeming baffled. So I explain more. “ I can check out whenever I go on an away mission and just leave my extra suitcase in the trunk of my car. Then I check back in when I get home. I never have to worry about watering a plant, feeding a pet, or cleaning. I’m good to go at any moment. It’s perfect for a field operative.”
“ Doesn’t that get expensive?” Mackenzie asks.
“ I mean, I don’t stay in nice hotels— I only need a place to sleep. And I am away on missions a lot , so there are many nights every month where I’m not paying for a place at all. Plus , I rack up a lot of points.”
“ But you don’t even have one hotel that you call home?” Mackenzie asks.
I shake my head.
Charlie’s eyebrows are still drawn together. “ How do you cook food?”
“ Oh ,” Mackenzie says. “ Do you have a waffle maker? Because I can show you how to make the best cornbread ever in a waffle maker.”
Now , my eyebrows are the ones drawn together. “ I … don’t have a waffle maker. I don’t cook food. A lot of times I have a mini microwave, though.”
They’re both quiet for a moment before Charlie says, “ You grew up in foster care, right? Have you ever been able to pick your own comforter, curtains, furniture, anything?”
I shift my feet. “ No .”
“ Don’t you want to be able to?”
The answer I always tell myself is No . I don’t care about any of those things . But deep down, truthfully, I do. So I nod. But I’m twenty-six years old, and I don’t have the first clue how to pick out home things for myself because I’ve never done it before. It’s embarrassing. Admitting it would feel like admitting that I don’t know how to cook toast or boil water. Sure , I bought my own bedding when I first left foster care. But I found it at a thrift store, and the gray and blue plaid comforter was the only option they had.
“ We should take you shopping, then!” Mackenzie says. “ Me , you, Charlie , and my friend, Livi , because she’s really good at stuff like that.”
Charlie nods. “ Everyone deserves to have a place where they get to choose at least one thing there. Something that makes them happy.”
I cock my head and try to swallow down the rising emotion. Would they really just accept me into their circle this easily? They hardly know me.
Charlie peeks around the corner and gives a quiet yelp. “ He’s coming out!”
Ledger and I both lean forward to see the tablet in Mackenzie’s hands. He’s walking out of the building with a little boy who is probably five years old and a woman who I’m guessing is the boy’s mom.
“ He’s married?” I’m pretty sure it’s Blake’s voice coming through our comms.
“ He’s not married,” Charlie says.
“ Yeah , he’s not paying any attention to the woman,” Emerson says in our earpieces. “ His entire focus is on the kid.”
I know exactly what is happening because something similar happened to me as a child plenty of times. It was one of the few perks of being a foster kid. “ The kid is fascinated with construction stuff. Owen is giving him a tour. Showing him all the cool equipment.”
“ Aww ,” Charlie says. “ That is so cute.”
We don’t have sound wired where Owen is, so we all just watch the screen as Owen talks to the kid, crouched down, so he’s at his height. Then he hands him something that looks like it was either a piece of the original brick or tile or maybe even a piece of trim. The kid looks at him with wide eyes and a face full of wonder. Then the kid hugs Owen , and there’s a chorus of Aww s from everyone, including the guys in the SUV . Although theirs sound not quite as genuine.
The kid and his mom wave goodbye and head away, and Owen starts walking in our direction. He pulls a tool from his belt— a pair of pliers, maybe?— and tosses it in the air, spinning, catching it, and repeating, all while whistling a jaunty tune.
“ Oh my gosh,” Mackenzie says, “he’s as cheerful as you are.”
“ If you’re both in the same room,” Ledger says, “we might need to install some solar panels to harness all the sunshine.”
Charlie just turns to us and flashes a grin. “ Okay , we can go now.”
“ Don’t you want to go talk to him?” Mackenzie asks.
Charlie looks horrified. “ No ! I’m not prepared for that. We came to get a sense of what kind of a guy he is. We got that. Now let’s go.”
We all look at the tablet in Mackenzie’s hands to watch for an opening so we can leave undetected. But instead of turning his back to us so we can leave, Owen misses catching the pliers he’s tossing. He tries to recover, though, and instead hits the pliers in a way that sends them sailing out in front of him, and they skid to a stop just past the pallets of bricks, right next to Charlie . Owen immediately looks around, probably self-conscious as to whether anyone witnessed it.
For a beat, we all just stare at the tool.
In our ears, Jace says, “ Charlie . Pick them up and go give them to him.”
“ I can’t!” she hisses. “ What am I supposed to do, just pop up from hiding? That would be so awkward!”
“ I don’t know,” Blake says. “ It doesn’t sound as awkward as him coming to pick them up himself and seeing the four of you hunkered down behind the bricks.”
“ It’s okay,” Emerson says in our ears. “ We’ve got your back. You can do this.”
Charlie takes a deep breath and then turns partially toward us. “ Okay , fine. Stay on alert for an emergency extraction, though. Listen for me to say the phrase ‘ Mango Tango ’ in our conversation.” She reaches forward, picks up the pliers, and stands up as Owen gets within five feet of us. Then she says, “ Hi , neighbor.”
Owen startles at seeing Charlie suddenly appear, and I am glued to the screen in Mackenzie’s hands, right along with Ledger .
“ Sorry ,” Charlie says, “ I was just walking along and had to tie my shoe, and then I saw your pliers, or whatever these are. ”
Owen glances down at Charlie’s shoes, which don’t have laces. He doesn’t say anything, though.
I whisper to Ledger , “ She could never be a field operative, could she?”
“ She’s a brilliant handler. Actually , she’s pretty brilliant in general. But no. She doesn’t like to be seen, which is why she’s always on comms and never in the field.”
Charlie keeps talking, a million miles a minute, a nervous smile never leaving her face. “ Anyway , I figured that you picked up my dropped, uh, clothes and brought them to me, so I thought I would return the favor and pick up your dropped pliers.”
“ Thanks ,” he says, taking them from her, playing with them a moment, and then putting them back in his tool belt.
“ So , you’re fixing this building?” I’m hearing Charlie double— in real life and through the mic she’s got hidden in her necklace.
“ Yep ! I’m restoring her to her former elegance. With modern amenities, of course. I just gave a little boy a ‘before’ tour. Would you like one, too?”
For a moment, I think Charlie will respond with, “ Mango Tango ! Mango Tango !” but then Jace says in our ears, “ Tell him yes!”
“ I’d love that,” Charlie says.
They turn to head back toward the building, and Ledger whispers, “ Maybe we should go back to the car to wait for her.”
“ Good idea,” Mackenzie says. “ Then we can get Zoe off that broken leg. Charlie is wearing the camera and mic so we can watch from anywhere.”
A loud squeak sounds from Charlie .
“ Okay ,” Mackenzie says into her mic. “ We won’t watch. You just get your flirt on, girl!”
“ Take as long as you want,” Ledger says. “ We’ll be waiting at the car.”
Then Ledger slides his hand into mine like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I never thought this could feel so right. And so nice.
We watch the screen until Charlie and Owen have their backs to us and are far enough away that we can leave without them seeing us, and then we stand and stroll back to the car. Well , Mackenzie and Ledger stroll. I do more of a step, clomp, step, clomp. But Ledger’s hand is in mine, so I could have boots on both feet and I wouldn’t care.