28. Heartstrings and Home Things
CHAPTER 28
HEARTSTRINGS AND HOME THINGS
ZOE
L ife is good , I think as I plop onto my couch. My couch. In my apartment. Four days ago, after having dinner with Ledger’s family and doing surveillance on Charlie’s love interest, I couldn’t stop thinking about how great it would be to actually have my own place. A place I could call “home.”
I spend money on almost nothing, so I have a good amount saved up. I started searching online for apartments to rent, and each one got me more excited than the last. Then I found one that was currently unoccupied and ready to move into immediately. It had a month-to-month contract, too, so it didn’t require a huge commitment, and the rent was less than I’d paid in hotel costs over the past month. It’s not far from work, either. I didn’t think finding one this perfect was even possible.
I contacted the owner right then and signed the contract the next day. I’ve never had the universe align for me like that before.
So , I’ve had a pretty monumental week. I kissed Ledger , met all his family, went back to work (finally), saw Ledger every night, checked out this apartment, signed the contract, got my keys, ordered a bed that was delivered last night, and went shopping with Charlie , Mackenzie , and Mackenzie’s friend Livi today, buying so many of the things I needed for this place.
There’s a knock at the door— my apartment door— and I would skip over and answer it if skipping and this boot weren’t incompatible, even though I was probably five the last time I actually skipped. I throw open the door, and Ledger is standing there, holding a large gift bag by the handles with one hand, a bag with food in the other, and a smile on his face that has to be one of the most beautiful things on the planet.
I step over the threshold and plant a kiss on those perfect lips of his, and he wraps his arms around me, pulling me close, the bags he’s holding bumping into my backside. I take a quick moment to soak in how great it feels before I step back into my apartment, throw an arm out wide, and say, “ Welcome to my humble home.”
We are standing in my living room— my living room— and he takes it all in, smiling as much as I am. It’s all open to the kitchen, on the left, and the bedroom and bathroom are down a hall to the right. He walks over to the small kitchen table which, along with my couch, was delivered less than an hour ago. He holds up one bag and says, “ I brought soup and rolls.” Then he holds up the bag in his other hand. “ And a housewarming gift.”
“ For me?” I ask, taking the bag from him.
He nods, and I pull out the coziest throw blanket in a deep purple color. It is so soft that I can’t resist the urge to hold it up to my cheek, letting it feel how soft it is, too. I wrap it around both of us, cocooning us together for a moment as I tell him thank you and how much I love it.
And kiss. Obviously .
I’ve seen plenty of pictures where people artfully drape a throw blanket on their couch, and it always looks nice. I think it makes it feel like it’s a place for people to actually live in, not just look at. I can’t say I get it right— it mostly looks like I tried to put a blanket on a sleeping pig— but I love it.
Ledger sits down on my couch, stretching his arms out along the back of it. I have to admit, as I was shopping for a couch, I looked at each one, trying to imagine exactly this— how it would look with Ledger relaxing in it. I think I chose perfectly. “ How was shopping?” he asks.
I sit on the couch next to him but with my good leg bent and resting on the couch so I can look right at him. “ At first, I thought it was going to go horribly. I didn’t know Livi at all, I barely know Mackenzie , and only know Charlie a bit more than I know Mackenzie . And I was just so clueless about everything.”
I shake my head just thinking back on the whole thing. I was embarrassed, yet I’m somehow not embarrassed at all to tell the whole story to Ledger . “ I mean, the skills that I have are pretty impressive, but they’re all related to being an intelligence operative. I’ve got no skills that make me good at shopping. I was such a fish out of water there. A fish out of water wearing a gigantic boot. The one who didn’t know anything and was completely unskilled. Which is a pretty uncomfortable feeling, by the way.
“ Anyway , the entire time, I didn’t show that I was good at one single thing, yet they all still seemed to enjoy being around me and liked me and wanted to spend time with me.”
Ledger is cocking his head with his eyebrows drawn together, like he’s confused, which tells me we are on the same page. So I continue. “ When we first meet, they ask what kinds of things I need. It’s not like I have a list, so I was trying to think about what I use at a typical hotel that actually belongs to the hotel. I start by saying that I had a bed delivered last night, but I couldn’t sleep here because I didn’t have any bedding yet.
“ So they take me to a store to pick out bedding. And the place we went to— Ledger , you wouldn’t have believed how many choices they had. Comforters , duvets, duvet covers, and sets that also included sheets, bed skirts, and pillow shams— it was a little overwhelming.”
I run my hands over my face. “ I can drop everything at a moment’s notice, travel to another country, manage multiple identities, and handle high-pressure situations, all while doing risk assessment, navigating sophisticated technology, blending into my surroundings, communicating covertly, adapting to changing situations rapidly, and negotiating high-stakes outcomes.” Ledger’s smiling at me now. Kind of an amused smile, and I really like it. “ But , standing there in that store, I realized I had no idea at all what I liked. I couldn’t even seem to narrow down my choices, and I felt so stupid about it. I was seriously about to bolt.
“ But they were so sweet. Charlie said that sometimes choosing is really hard, especially if you haven’t had enough experience lately choosing what you want. And that it was okay because we could get it figured out. I looked at all three of them, and there was zero judgment. I’m not even kidding. Zero judgment .
“ They told me that when I wake up in the morning, my bedding will be the first thing I see. So I should imagine that no one else would see it ever, and just think about which one would make my soul the happiest. They told me that I could take as long as I needed to decide how I feel, and they never acted impatient.”
“ So what did you end up choosing?”
“ Come see,” I say as I stand, grab his hand, and pull him down the hall toward my new bedroom, my boot clomping on my hardwood floors as we go. Then I Vanna White the room. I watch his face as he sees it— just long enough to notice that his pupils widen, so he likes it as much as I do— then I look back at it, too. It’s a deep purple with a light gray skirt and sheets. I’ve got sleeping pillows, pillow shams, decorative pillows, and the works. No more plain white hotel bedding for me.
But I’m not done showing him things, so I pull him back out into the hall. I feel like a little kid taking him by the hand to show him all my “cool stuff,” but I can’t help it— I have cool stuff now. “ They also helped me to think about things like towels for my bathroom, a shower curtain, and garbage cans. I never would’ve thought of garbage cans! And curtains. Do you know Livi ? That woman knows where to shop for everything. And the three of them have an insane amount of shopping endurance.”
“ I am really digging this side of you,” Ledger says.
I look at him, trying to tell if he is being serious or sarcastic.
“ I really do,” Ledger says, seeming to sense my skepticism. “ I like seeing you this happy and excited about having your own place.”
He looks like he really means it, so I keep showing him things. When we finally end up back at my little table and sit to eat the soup and rolls, I keep talking, telling him more about our marathon shopping day. Things we looked at. Things we talked about. I put his stellar listening skills and endurance to the test, and he still claims victory. It’s such a Ledger thing to do, and I am taking full advantage of it because apparently, I have a lot to say about today.
After we eat, we head over to the couch, and I snuggle up next to Ledger and sneak a couple of kisses. Okay , a couple dozen kisses. Each one of them is sweet and caps off a perfect day.
“ Thanks for listening to me nonstop. I thought shopping was going to be awful, but it was amazing. It was so… different and nice to have friends who are women.”
He’s looking at my face and reaches out to brush a lock of hair away from my eye. “ I’m so glad you had such a good experience today. And I’m gathering that you aren’t having renter’s remorse over getting your own place?”
I shake my head, chuckling. “ Not even a little bit. I am loving it so much more than I thought I would. I know ‘home sweet home’ and ‘there’s no place like home’ and ‘home is where the heart is’ and all that, but I figured it was just hype. Something that other people might need, but not something that I needed. I mean, I’ve lived most of my life without one, and I’m just fine. But I don’t know. After hanging out with you and your family, it just… made me crave it.”
Ledger gives me a sweet kiss on the forehead, and I close my eyes and soak it in. I soak in the feeling of his arm around my shoulders, too, the feel of his shoulder against my cheek. Then he says, “ So , what was growing up like for you? Are all foster parents just awful people?”
“ Oh . No . Not at all. There are a lot of really great ones who make a huge difference in a lot of kids’ lives.” I shrug. “ But there are some not-so-great ones, too, and I think I got more of those than most foster kids do. I also got some who were decent people but were overwhelmed or overworked or who just didn’t really get me.
“ And regardless of how great the foster parents are, I think that it’s normal for every foster kid— at least the ones who moved around a lot— to feel like they never really had a home. I think it only feels like you have a home if you connect with a family and stay with them for a while. And I did get one of those— that very first foster family I stayed with was like that.”
“ Oh , yeah?” Ledger asks .
I nod. “ It was a larger lady with blue glasses who came to our apartment to get me and take me to my first foster home. I was scared to death because she was taking me from everything I knew. But she was nice.
“ I loved my mom, and I kind of missed her, but living with that family— the Jensens — opened up a whole new world for me. There was stability, and everyone treated each other well. I had siblings, a mom and a dad who worked together, regular mealtimes, eating together as a family— so many things that I just hadn’t experienced before.
“ I craved it all. I thrived there. It wasn’t my life, but I sure liked living in it. I was even starting to believe that I was worthy of living in it.
“ And then, about five months in, right as the school year was ending, all six of us were sitting around the dining room table, eating roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy and those little carrots. My foster dad was telling a story about his favorite place to go camping with his dad when he was a boy, and he told us that he was going to take all of us there that summer.
“ I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to be able to go on a vacation. I was going to get to go camping! I was so excited. I sat at that table and thought about how I hadn’t been lucky enough or good enough to be sent to a family like that at birth, but I was so grateful to finally get it.”
“ So , did you go camping with them?” Ledger asks.
I shake my head. “ Later that week, the lady with the blue glasses came and said that I could go back home to my mom. There were tears from my foster family and from me.
“ When the woman with the blue glasses came to get me that second time, I was actually excited. I would get to live that ideal life again, and I’d get to go camping. But the woman said I’d be going to stay with a different family— the Jensens had moved to a different state.
“ I was so devastated. I felt betrayed and lost and so alone. I was six when I left the Jensens — it wasn’t like I had a cell phone or an email address so I could stay in touch with them. They were just gone forever, and it was so hard. But I’ll always be grateful for them because they showed me that love was possible.”
Of course, the experience also showed me that love is temporary. That it could easily get taken away with no notice. That it couldn’t be trusted to be there for me, and that it would be painful when it wasn’t.
I clear my throat. “ When I lived with the Jensens , my foster mom had a necklace that she always wore. It was a little heart locket with a picture of her and her husband in it. I loved it so much and asked every day if I could open the locket and look at the picture. When we said our goodbyes before I went back to live with my mom, she said she wanted me to have the necklace. That way, I’d always remember her and remember that she cared about me.”
I reach up to touch the locket, even though I know that it’s gone, then I drop my hand back to my lap. “ It was one of only two things that I took with me from foster family to foster family. It got me through a lot of really hard times. I mean, I was little when I lived with the Jensens , so the experience often felt like it was a dream— that I had just let hope make up the ‘memory.’ That necklace was a confirmation that it was real. That it happened. That I was loved once.”
I swallow hard. I wish I had put it in my pocket that night I fell off the roof. A sharp pain in my ribs reminds me that they still hurt at the memory, too.
I turn to look at Ledger . This is the most real and vulnerable I’ve ever been with another human. Possibly even including myself. I probably told classmates or foster siblings that I missed living with the Jensens that first year or so, but I’ve definitely never told anyone the full story. And just like with Charlie earlier, I see zero judgment in his eyes. Just caring concern. Somehow , I just know that the story, my emotions about it, my raw and open heart— they’re safe with him.
“ That sounds really tough. Thank you for sharing it with me.” He’s quiet for a long moment, just holding me. I kind of hope he doesn’t want to keep talking about my childhood because I’ve only got so much emotional energy that I can spend on that particular subject in a day, and I’m pretty sure I just spent it all. I hope he can sense that.
Ledger shifts how he is sitting, and I know he wants to be able to see my face, so I turn, too. “ I want to go back to something you said earlier,” he says. “ You said you were surprised that Charlie , Mackenzie , and Livi liked you even though you were injured and didn’t have a clue about shopping or about what you liked.”
I nod.
His eyes shift to my hair. It’s not often that I have it loose like this and not in a ponytail or a braid. With the lightest touch, he brushes his fingertips across my cheek as he tucks part of my hair behind an ear. “ You are so beautiful.”
I blush. I’ve heard this before, but it’s always different when it comes from Ledger .
“ Your beauty is not what draws people to you, though.” He lifts one shoulder in a shrug. “ In fact, some people might say that you are ‘intimidatingly beautiful.’”
I try to hold back a smile. “ Intimidatingly ?”
“ Yep . That’s the exact phrase Emerson used to describe you. What draws people to you isn’t what they’re seeing on the outside. They’re drawn to you because you have a deep inner beauty.”
“ What ?” I say. “ What does that even mean?” I’m pretty sure he’s messing with me.
“ Okay , for example,” he says, “let’s talk about what you do for a living. Being an intelligence operative in the field takes a lot of courage, commitment, training, skill, conviction, resilience, adaptability, creativity, discipline, grit, patience, and a whole lot of other things, right? And you’re one of the best there is, so obviously, you’ve got all those things in abundance.
“ Not only that but all of those things could be combined to be helpful in a lot of different careers. You chose to utilize them in a career that helps people. Keeps them safe. Looks out for those in danger. Me ? I just do it for the adventure and the challenge.
“ But I know you do it to help people. I know, because I saw you stop in the middle of a mission to help that little girl.” He taps two fingers on my chest. “ Your heart? Everything about you? That’s what draws people to you. Not your knowledge about or experience in a specific subject. Not how helpful you are to someone at any given time.
“ But who you are in here. That’s what shines through. That deep inner beauty is what makes Charlie and Mackenzie and Livi and everyone else want to be around you. It’s what has made me fall in love with you.”
My heart is so full of emotion right now that I worry it can’t contain it. I just gaze at Ledger with watery eyes, taking him in. I wish I had everything that Ledger just said recorded so I could listen to it again, over and over. I want it to be in a physical object that I can hold, just like that necklace from my foster mom. Then I could hold onto this moment forever. Remember that it is real. That it happened. That I am loved.
I know from experience that this is ephemeral, and I want to soak in every bit of it while I can. I want to hold his words tight. I want to bathe in them. I want them to surround me every moment.
So I snuggle back into Ledger’s side and soak in every bit of how incredible it feels to be loved by him.