Chapter 22
Chapter 22
T hey were working in order, starting from the first day they arrived at the new job. “Blue called and sent me the email with those pictures,” Esther remembered, gazing into the middle distance.
“And then you smoked him and his stupid computer by proving his software messed up.”
Unlike him, she didn’t look pleased by the memory. “I’m pretty sure he hates me.”
“So what?”
“So it’s not actually fun to be disliked, especially not by someone everyone in the office adores,” she said. “That’s why I…”
She broke off, staring into space, lips pressed together.
“Why you what?” Leo pressed.
“Took a dive on chess.”
Leo had to think a second to remember. Maggie and Babs had been taunting Blue, saying Esther was like Gary Kasparov who beat the IBM computer, Deep Blue, at chess. They called him Deep Blue the entire morning. Blue had tried to laugh it off, but everyone could tell he was irritated by the thought of Esther beating his software. So he challenged her to a chess match against his computer. The computer won, and Blue had been triumphant. Leo hadn’t thought anything of it, because who beats a computer? Esther, apparently, if she let herself.
“Don’t do that,” he said now. “Don’t try to make yourself less so others will accept you. If Blue doesn’t like you, that’s his problem. Besides, I don’t think he dislikes you; I think he’s intimidated by you. Before you arrived, he was the golden boy, the most necessary member of the team. Enter Esther, who found the things he and his precious computer missed.”
“I wasn’t trying to show him up or make him feel bad,” she said.
“I know but, Es, you can’t control how other people feel. You can only control what you do, and you’ve done nothing wrong.”
“I know I’m doing a good job, Leo. My work is solid, but…” She pressed her lips together and looked away again.
“But what?” he asked, his tone laden with preemptive sympathy because he already knew.
“I want them to like me. I want to be friends, a part of the team.”
“We’re a team,” he reminded her.
She nodded, eyes downcast.
“Hey,” he said, tipping her face to his. Her eyes were watery, and he couldn’t take it. She was so sweet and loving and kind. How could everyone else not see that? “I like you.” His hands slid to her cheeks, his thumb easing over her bottom lip.
“Are you going to kiss me?” she whispered.
“Do you want me to?” he returned.
“I’m torn between curiosity and revulsion.”
He snorted a laugh, and she continued. “Also, I know you said building anticipation is supposed to make me like kissing, but it’s making me anxious, like you’re going to spring from behind a hidden bush and take control of my lips or something.”
He laughed harder and used one of his hands to dab his eyes. “There’s an easy way to solve that.”
“There is? What?”
“You could kiss me,” he said.
“What would be the point of that? You’re kissing me so you can teach me, but you already know how to kiss. You don’t need me to do it.”
“Why has it never occurred to you that I might want you to do it? That I volunteered to teach you because I think about kissing you every moment of every day we’re together?”
She blinked at him. “But you don’t kiss girls like me.”
“What kind of girls do you think I kiss?”
“Normal girls.”
He shook his head. “I kiss women who are broken, like me. Maybe I want to kiss someone whole, someone who isn’t playing a game or trying to take something from me. Maybe I want to kiss someone who will be thinking of all the ways she wants to take care of me.”
“I would be thinking that,” Esther admitted.
“I know, because it’s what you do. You take care of me in all the ways.”
“You took a bullet for me, so it would seem that it’s reciprocal,” Esther said.
“I’m certain you are the only woman who could say reciprocal and make me want to kiss you more,” he said.
“What if it’s gross and I want to push you away?” she asked.
“Then push me away,” he said. “I won’t be upset, I promise. A first kiss is a big deal, it might take a few practice tries to get it right, for you to become comfortable.”
“I’m always comfortable with you, Leo.” She stood on her toes and brushed her lips gently to his, almost as if she were shaking her head no while involving their lips. Leo was so shocked that she made the first move he remained staring at her, wide eyed and frozen.
“Was that not how it’s done? Did I mess it up already?” she asked.
He had to clear his throat before he could get words out. “That was the opposite of wrong. That was kind of a next level pro move.”
“Big fat sarcasm?” she guessed, eyes wide with worry.
He shook his head and brushed his lips on hers. She clutched his shirt harder and leaned into him, all enthusiasm now. He cupped her face again, slowing her pace, kissing her slowly and gently, instructing her without making it obvious he was doing so. As with everything, Esther was a quick and brilliant student. She followed his lead and matched him, whisper-soft kiss to whisper-soft kiss. If he’d ever kissed a girl this way—so gently and tenderly—he couldn’t remember. Suddenly he wondered why not. It was far, far more intense than some previous face-swallowing sessions he’d indulged in. Why was he always in such a mad rush to get to the next level? Why didn’t he ever pause to consider the beauty in staying put? Esther could not be rushed, she was far too innocent and inexperienced for that. Leo thought he would hate having to instruct a woman in this way. Instead he felt almost giddy with the power of it. She was moldable, a complete novice, and he desperately wanted to mold her in the way that would be most beneficial to her. One step at a time, gently, carefully.
That was why, after a few innocent kisses, he backed away and put space between them, to check on her, to assess the damage and make certain she was okay.
She opened her eyes and pressed her fingers to her flushed cheeks. “I can now say with absolute certainty that revulsion is no longer part of the conversation.” She took a step toward him, hand reaching for his face, but Leo took a step back and captured her hand in his instead.
“Let’s put a stopper in that bottle for now because…” he couldn’t begin to tell her why. How could he possibly explain how easily and how quickly one thing led to another to a grown woman who was as inexperienced as a preschooler? “Because your pretty lips would get chapped, and nobody wants that kind of pain.”
Esther nodded seriously, buying his excuse completely. Or so he thought. “Also my mom said sex starts with kissing, and I know I’m not ready for that.”
Leo choked on air and coughed for a solid twenty seconds, nodding a few times before he could speak. “Right, there’s also that.”
“Are you okay?” she asked.
He pulled her close and hugged her, wrapping her tight with his good arm. “Your complete lack of filter might be my undoing one day.”
“Big fat sarcasm?” she asked, confused.
“Maybe, not sure that time.” He kissed the top of her head and a minute later they returned to work.