Chapter 24
Chapter 24
“ S hould a child’s birthday party bring me this close to the brink of sanity?” Jordan wondered out loud.
“There’s been kind of a lot going on,” Maggie assured her, removing a tray of cookies from the oven.
“Yes, but I’m pretty sure it would always be this way, regardless of anything else,” Jordan said, blowing her fingers before using them to transfer the hot cookies. She had a spatula…somewhere. “Some people take to motherhood more naturally.”
“Stop being so hard on yourself. Everyone’s a mess in our own special way,” Maggie chastised, putting another tray into the oven.
“Some people just look better doing it,” Amelia agreed, smoothing her flawless tresses. She was the one cutting the cookies and putting them on a tray. “These cookies, for example, aren’t perfect. They’re a little lumpy and misshapen, but slather some good tasting frosting on top and no one will care.”
The two sisters paused and looked at each other. “Except Darren,” they said together.
“Five bucks says he comments on it before he takes a bite,” Amelia said.
“I’m not taking that bet,” Maggie countered.
“He’s so great with the kids,” Jordan added helpfully. She had yet to see the side of Darren his sisters saw, the critical perfectionist who struggled to keep his opinions to himself. All she had witnessed so far was the nice guy who adored his wife and stepdaughter.
“He is that,” Amelia grudgingly agreed.
“And he’s trying to do better. He’ll comment on the cookie, but he’ll laugh and eat it anyway,” Maggie said loyally.
“And then probably comment on how good they taste, despite the imperfection,” Amelia agreed. “I forgot what we were originally talking about.”
“Feeling overwhelmed,” Maggie reminded her.
“Ah,” Amelia said. “But that’s why we’re here, to help manage the whelm.”
“And you do,” Jordan told them, feeling a rush of warmth for their bolstering presence. It wasn’t everyone who would give up an afternoon to help prep for a four year old’s birthday party.
“You had us at cookies,” Maggie said, stuffing one in her mouth while Jordan and Amelia looked on. “What? It was broken.”
“I saw you break it,” Amelia accused.
“So?” Maggie said.
“So you didn’t give me any,” Amelia returned, holding out her hand.
Dutifully, Maggie gave her a cookie. Amelia chewed and swallowed before she spoke again. “Is Ribs going to make it?”
Jordan’s heart did the swoop and dive thing it had been doing whenever anyone mentioned Gaines lately. “I haven’t heard a word since he went away.”
Amelia huffed in disgust. “Stupid spy stuff.”
“It pays the bills,” Ethan said. He had let himself in and now joined them in the kitchen. “What can I do?”
“Nothing now, but you can man the grill when the time comes,” Jordan told him.
“Yes,” he hissed, pumping his fist.
“Any sign of my husband?” Maggie asked. Ridge always stayed later than everybody else.
“I think he’s making an early exit today, another hour, tops,” Ethan told her.
“I told the kids I’d steal them a snack,” Darren said, poking his head in the kitchen.
“Babs is on her way,” Ethan assured him.
“I know, she texted.” Darren’s eyes landed on the cookies Amelia was putting on a tray. “You’re not chilling that? It’s going to come out misshape…Oh.” His eyes landed on the zaftig ones that were already baked. He shrugged and picked one up. “Tastes good, though,” he added, covering his mouth as he chewed.
Amelia and Maggie exchanged a surreptitious glance. Jordan smiled, feeling cheered and filled up at the benevolent scene. Everyone was here because they cared about her and her family, in a tangible way. And since her talk with Juniper she could fully engage in the moment and appreciate that fact. Her world was far from perfect, but this moment was as close as she could possibly get. The only thing that would make it better would be… But no, she wouldn’t put that on him. Gaines had a job to do, and he would be there if he could. If not…
No, she wouldn’t think about it now. She would enjoy this moment, so filled with love, and be happy.
Babs arrived, followed by Ridge. Ethan manned the grill while the men offered unsolicited tips on how to do it better. Charlotte, Nash, and McKenna ran or crawled through everyone’s legs, Maggie and Ridge’s baby was alternately passed around and loved on while the women arranged the remainder of the food.
Jordan stood back, observing, a strange mix of happiness and sadness, love and yearning. So many days had been spent like this, but with Jay present. He would have manned the grill possessively, dismissing the unasked for advice with disdain. Only Gaines had been allowed to grill in his absence, and there could probably be a metaphor in there, if she was inclined to search for it. The void he left felt painful and empty, but not as much as she feared. Sort of like poking a bruise. If you didn’t know it was there, you might forget about it, but as soon as you touched it the reminder made it hurt. She guessed there would be a lot of days like this one, where unexpected reminders rehashed pain she thought she’d already resolved. At the same time she felt good and whole and loved, and that was what Jordan chose to take away from the day, that she could feel more than one thing at any given moment. Life wasn’t all good or all bad, all happy or all sad. Instead it was a complex mix of everything. Her attitude and choice to dwell on the more positive aspects would determine her future, as well as that of her children. She could choose to wallow in her grief or embrace the joy in every celebration. Today was a day for celebration. Later she would look through the pictures of Charlotte’s birth, pictures of her and Jay and their overwhelming terror/happiness at becoming new parents. Then she would shed tears and feel grief. Right now, in this moment, there was only tenderness and light.
She had told everyone no presents, but of course everyone ignored her. Charlotte was in a frenzy of delight at the attention, making Jordan happy to be overridden. Her daughter squealed as she opened each present, then hopped off Jordan’s lap and went to hug the giver.
Finally Ethan handed Jordan an oversized package with a chagrined smile. “He said to give it to you if he didn’t make it in time. I hope that’s okay.”
Whether it was okay or not was a moot point when Charlotte grabbed it and tore it open, revealing another oversized stuffed dog.
“It wooks wike you,” Charlotte said, holding the dog aloft with unaccustomed restraint. Usually by now she’d be squealing and hugging it, but instead she held it out for Jordan’s inspection. And Jordan could see that in some strange way, the dog indeed resembled her, with startlingly blue eyes and a tuft of blond hair on top.
“They match,” Ethan, ever the pot stirrer, said as he lined up the new dog by Wibs, who looked a little worse for wear after being loved on so much the last few weeks. “Might need to sharpie a giant scar on this one.” His finger trailed down Wibs’s ribcage.
“Oh, my lands, Ethan, you’re making me blush,” Jordan said, giving his shoulder a shove.
“What?” Ethan asked with feigned innocence. “All I’m saying is that they match and go together in an eternal sort of way.”
“They’re getting married,” Charlotte announced, so decidedly deadpan everyone fell silent and turned to look at her. Then she held up her two dogs, side by side, and made them kiss.
“Maybe…” Ethan began, but this time Amelia put a hand over his mouth, halting whatever he was going to say next.
“Stop it. If Jordan blushes any harder she’s going to bust a capillary and throw off the highlights I laboriously put into her hair.”
Later, when the kids were occupied with Charlotte’s new toys, Ridge eased closer. “Anything else weird happen lately?”
“I spent more than a decade married to a SEAL turned spy. Define weird,” Jordan said, and he laughed.
“Noises, sightings, that sort of thing.”
“Ah. No, not a thing. Everything has been so normal I’m gaslighting myself. Maybe it was all in my mind? I was pretty overwhelmed and exhausted there for a while. I suppose it’s possible I imagined noises and people where there were none.” She frowned, not liking that scenario. Even giving herself an out because of the emotional duress didn’t sit right. Jordan had never been the type of person to become hysterical or suffer a drama-fueled imagination.
“Maybe,” Ridge agreed, but he looked disturbed, too. “Just remember to charge your phone every night and keep it by the bed.”
“Okay,” she agreed, smiling. Jay had once told her that Ridge couldn’t stop himself from being the big brother of the group, even if he tried.
“Also…” His finger dipped around the edge of his glass and he avoided eye contact, two signs he was about to delve into the uncomfortable personal realm. “He’s trying, okay? He’s really trying to figure it out. Family stuff is new for him.”
“I know,” Jordan agreed. “And I appreciate that. The problem isn’t him, though. It’s me. Because he might be new to the family stuff, but I’ve lived with the military and spy stuff a long time and, no offense to you or Maggie, but I just don’t think I can do it. Ever again.” The finality of her words threatened to upend the happiness she’d vowed to claim today, but she couldn’t see a way out of the tunnel. After her talk with Juniper she realized how much trauma she’d been holding onto, trauma inflicted on her by the United States Government. For her sanity, for the sake of her children, she couldn’t go back to that life again, now that she’d been handed a reprieve.
Ridge gave a little nod of understanding but didn’t offer further advice. Maggie and Amelia came to claim her to help the kids decorate their cookies, and she was able to reclaim the fun she had started to lose. They stayed to help clean up, so after everyone was gone all she had to do was tuck the kids into bed, and she was free to…what?
She had no idea, and nothing came to mind as she wandered restlessly from room to room, searching for something to fill her mind. Her shelf was stacked with half read books she’d grown too sleepy to finish. Her closet had a couple of knitting projects she started before the kids were born and never picked up again. The television held promise, but when she sat and turned it on, nothing snagged her attention. Eventually she stared listlessly into space until she realized the furry thing beside her foot was Charlotte’s stuffed dog. She must have been really zonked if she went to bed without it because she never went to bed without it.
Jordan picked it up, realizing as she did so that both dogs were there. She held them both aloft, staring at them side by side.
“You guys look good together,” she whispered. “Like you belong.”
They didn’t answer back, obviously, so she tucked one under each arm, intending to deposit them in Charlotte’s room. But a few minutes later, she was asleep.