10 – Ciara
“ I don’t know where he is,” I say, bouncing Mercy on my hip as I pace around the house.
Two days.
It has been two days, and nobody knows where Spike is.
I’ve tried everything, looked everywhere, called until the tears rolled down my cheeks, but nobody has heard from him.
“It’s going to be okay,” Addison assures me, her eyes bloodshot and tired. I know it scares her, too. “He’s just cooling off somewhere.”
“He shot up a heap of drug dealers,” I whisper, turning my face away from Mercy. “He could be dead.”
“Hey now.” Serenity steps up beside me, her eyes gentle. “He’s not dead.”
“You don’t know that.”
Janine stands, walking over and taking Mercy from my arms. “I’ll give her a bottle; you need to eat something.”
I don’t want to eat.
I want to make sure Spike is okay because right now, I can barely breathe.
If something happens to him ...
“Hey,” Addison says, putting a hand on my shoulder. “I know what you’re thinking. Don’t. He’s going to be okay. He’s butt hurt, and he needs time to cool off.”
I force a smile. “I know, but ... he’s never acted like this before. I’m worried something more is going on.”
“Spike likes control. He always has, and he always will. The two men are clashing because they have differing opinions but neither of them are wrong. They’ll come together, work something out, I know it.”
I know she’s right.
But my stress is over the top right now, and I feel like I can’t breathe.
I just need a minute.
“Do you mind watching the kids? I want to go for a drive, clear my head.”
Addi nods. “Of course, take as long as you need.”
I leave the house, driving around aimlessly. I have no idea where he has gone, but part of me feels like it wouldn’t be too far. I think back on before we had kids and where he’d go then. A place pops to my mind, and I shake it out. Surely, he wouldn’t. I mean ... he wouldn’t, right?
Heart jumping into my throat, I turn the car around.
I know exactly where I’m going, I just pray he isn’t there.
It’s the only place I can think he might be—a place that is close with people he knows well. He has friends there, people who would give him a place to stay.
I go to the back entrance as soon as I arrive, taking a deep breath to try and calm myself. I’m probably overreacting. He wouldn’t come here. He wouldn’t risk our relationship like that. Right?
“Ciara.”
Annen, a man that I have met a few times when I’ve been here stands at the back entrance, because, technically, the club doesn’t open for another few hours. Still, he is always here, keeping an eye on who comes in and out. There is always the option for a private show, so I suppose it never really closes.
“Hey, Annen, I’m looking for Spike.”
He brings a cigarette to his mouth and inhales. “Spike made it clear he don’t want to be found.”
He’s here.
I know it.
My heart skips a beat.
Annen won’t let me in without good reason, so I have to use one. “There has been an emergency, I need to see him, Annen. I won’t leave until I do. You know I won’t.”
Shaking his head, he drops the cigarette and crushes it out.
“Don’t need the drama today, kid. Go.”
He opens the door, and I slip inside.
The club is quiet today, some of the private rooms locked with people, but the main area is closed so there aren’t too many bodies getting around. I open each of the doors, looking for Spike. I know there are a few rooms upstairs where people can sleep, but something is telling me he’s down here somewhere.
I find him in one of the viewing rooms.
Of course he’s in a viewing room.
The door isn’t locked, so he’s obviously not worried about anyone coming in. Instead, he’s sitting on a chair, boot up near the large screen, watching a couple fucking. I’ve been in here a few times with him, and I would say I like it as much as he does, but the idea of him sitting in here for days, watching it alone, sparks a hurt deep inside me.
“Seriously?”
Spinning around, his eyes meet mine and flash with a mixture of rage and shock.
“Are you fucking serious?” I yell, the tension and anxiety from the last few days exploding out. “I’m at home, calling you over and over, terrified, and you’re here watching people fuck?”
“I needed time.”
His voice is low, crackly, somewhat broken.
I laugh, bitterly. “Oh, you needed time? You needed it. Go fuck yourself, Spike. You put yourself in this situation. You did this. I have been through something too, or have you forgotten about that? What the hell is wrong with you?”
I’m shaking, the rage uncontrollable.
“What’s wrong with me is that nobody will leave me the fuck alone!” he roars.
I flinch. His words hurt. They hurt so bad.
I charge toward him, shoving my hands into his chest over and over again. He growls, gripping my wrists and pushing me back, but not releasing me.
“You want to be alone?” I shout. “Is that what you want? Fine. Be alone. Be fucking alone. Don’t come home for all I care, you selfish ...”
“Enough,” he barks, cutting me off. “Do not fucking come in here and lose your shit on me, Ciara. I came here to get away. If I wanted to talk, I would have fuckin’ answered the phone. I want to be alone!”
“You came here—” I jerk my wrists out of his grips “—to fuck.”
His eyes flash. “Watchin’ and doin’ are two different things. I have never, nor would I ever, cheat on you.”
“Oh, so it’s okay with you to watch someone else as long as you’re not touching them? I suppose it would be no problem if I go do the same.”
“Be very careful,” he warns, his voice icy. “I’m not in the mood.”
“What’s good for the goose ...” I throw at him, shaking my head.
His eyes widen and then narrow as he takes a deep breath, his large shoulders rising. He’s hanging onto control, but it’s not going to last long. Well, too fucking bad. He hurt me by coming here, and he knows it. “I can’t do this with you now. You need to leave .”
My heart breaks, even though I don’t show it.
I have always been the person he turns to, always been the one he trusts, but he’s not letting me in. This is the first time he has pushed me away since Cheyenne was around. Even then, I don’t feel like he pushed me this hard. It’s as if he’s switched off, as if he is giving up, and that scares me.
“If you don’t want to be here with me,” I say, my voice shaky, “then I deserve to know. After everything, you could at least be honest with me instead of hiding here watching people fuck.”
“I don’t fucking know what I want because I can’t fucking think ,” he bellows, turning and smashing a lamp as he sends it flying across the room.
My knees wobble.
He’s panting, and I’ve never seen this kind of broken in his eyes. Something is wrong, and I don’t even think he knows what it is. Spike is lost, and he’s saying things he doesn’t mean. Right?
He doesn’t mean them.
He can’t.
“I guess I’ll go then,” I whisper, my voice trembling.
“That would be a good fuckin’ idea.”
His words hurt.
They crush me to my very soul.
“I can’t believe you’re saying this to me. After everything we’ve been through ... We have children together, and you only decide now you don’t know what you want. That’s selfish.”
“I told you once I’d never be what you needed,” he roars, leaning in, his breath panting against my face. “I told you, and you pushed. I’m fuckin’ broken, and you just couldn’t take no for an answer.”
Tears burst forth and roll down my cheeks. “If that’s how you feel ...”
Turning, I rush out of the room, my legs trembling.
I run out the back gate and don’t stop even when Annen calls my name.
I get to my car, throw the door open, and then I scream. I scream with everything I have inside, clutching the steering wheel as broken tears roll down my cheeks and my body trembles with each broken sob. It hurts, and after the week I’ve had, it’s almost crippling. If I lose Spike, I don’t know how I’ll cope, but he said he didn’t know.
I thought we were forever.
And he said he doesn’t know.
Nothing could feel worse than those words.
I’M STILL CRYING WHEN I show up to the club.
I storm in there with a mission.
I need to find Jackson, because he needs to fix this.
He’s in the garage standing with Muff, Cade, and another biker named Terry. They’re talking amongst themselves, but when he notices me, his attention is lost from the group. His green eyes narrow as he uncrosses his big arms and takes a steady breath as I storm toward him, skidding to a stop in front of him and getting in his face.
“What the hell have you done?”
“I’m not gettin’ into this with you, Ciara. It ain’t your concern. Spike made a choice, and he suffered the consequences the same as any other member of my club would.”
“He’s not just a member, Jackson, he’s your fucking friend and right now, he’s someone I don’t know. He’s breaking, and you’re too fucking selfish to see it.”
“You can take your anger out on me,” Jackson growls, “but be very careful with your words.”
“Why couldn’t you just listen to him? Hear what he had to say? Consider his ideas. Maybe if you had, he wouldn’t have gone behind your back. You’re the reason he’s out there, suffering ...”
I’m crying so heavily my vision is blurred, and my voice cracks with every word.
“Ciara,” Cade says, stepping forward, “this ain’t helpin’. You want to talk, let’s go calm down and we can talk.”
“Fuck off, Cade,” I scream. “He told me he doesn’t even know if he wants to be with me. He said he doesn’t know what he wants. He ...”
My knees wobble, and Cade catches me before I hit the ground.
My tears come out in aching, broken sobs, but that doesn’t stop him from wrapping his big arms around me.
“Something is wrong, and instead of helping him, you all sent him on his way.”
“I hear you,” Cade murmurs. “We’ll find him, we’ll sort this out ...”
“What if it’s too late. What if he doesn’t come back and ...”
“Hey,” Cade orders, pulling back and meeting my eyes when I look up at him. “He’ll come back. Spike doesn’t leave those he loves. He just needs time. You need to give him time.”
“This club is his whole world, and nobody is helping him.”
Cade glances at Jackson, but I don’t bother.
I swipe my tears and get to my feet, my legs shaking as Cade stands beside me. Now, I look to Jackson. “He might have done the wrong thing, and I know you have rules, but above all of that you should have realized something wasn’t right. You should have listened. Tried ... Done something.”
Jackson doesn’t answer me, but his eyes have softened a little now.
I turn, walking out.
I don’t want to say anything more.
I just want to get home to my babies and hold them tight.
The entire drive home my hands shake, but I try to calm myself down. I don’t want Danny to see me like this, to wonder what’s wrong. He’s a smart boy, and he’ll know that I’m not okay. I can’t do that to him. Not when he is already missing his daddy. So, I wait until my face isn’t so red and my eyes aren’t so puffy, and I walk through the front door.
Addison knows something is wrong right away.
She knows me almost better than Spike.
Danny runs over, and I lift him into my arms, forcing a smile for my boy. “Hi, baby.”
“Truck!” he cries, waving his truck. “Mommy!”
“That’s a cool truck, buddy.”
I put him down and he runs off. My shoulders slump as Addi walks over to me, and I see she’s the only one here now.
“Mercy is asleep. Now, you’re going to tell me why you’ve been crying.”
“I found Spike, he was at the club watching people ...”
Addison’s eyes flash and she straightens. “That little fucking pervert, I’m going to go down there and give him what for. I swear, he will wish he never met me by the time I’m done with him.”
I shake my head, feeling nothing but empty numbness. “He told me he doesn’t know what he wants.”
Her eyes go from angry to sympathetic as she steps forward, pulling me into her arms. I let her hang onto me, because right now I’m afraid I might fall. If I do, I don’t know that I’ll get back up.
“Honey, he’s going through something, but I promise you that man isn’t going to leave you or those kids. I know that as well as you do. He just needs to process whatever is going on in his brain.”
Pulling back, I nod, because I know she’s right.
I know Spike loves me, and I know he’d do anything for us. I know he’ll come back, but my fear is that he’ll come back a different person. Something is eating away at him, and unless he deals with it, it will only get worse. I am scared that he’ll sink too deep and he won’t be able to climb back out.
“I’m worried about him, but every time we talk right now, we fight, and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“I’ll talk to him. You need to go back to school and get yourself back on track, it has been a crappy few weeks. Don’t worry about Spike. You’re too close to the situation and it will make things harder.”
I nod, swallowing.
I hope she’s right.
I really, really hope she’s right.