Chapter 9
Julien
Even though I tried to lighten the mood by talking about his sweetness, internally, I’m raging.
Since meeting Romeo, I’ve been feeling lots of things, but after reading that text message, I’m feeling fucking feral and violent.
His handler can suck radioactive nuts. I hope his mouth melts off his face.
Not once had I ever wanted to protect someone, but I did with Romeo.
His suffering comes through in his shyness and silence.
Once he was out of his sex-worker persona, all his pain was front and center.
I know we’re not a real couple, but this is as close as I’ll ever get to having a real relationship.
Cherry doesn’t fucking count. Yeah, he’s here for my money, but he’s not a user.
He doesn’t suck up to me. What would he be like if he could have a life on his own terms and without suffering?
I bet he’d be an amazing person. I can feel it.
His open vulnerability says all I need to know.
Hell, what would I be like? I know I’m not the man I’m supposed to be. I was given everything I could ever possibly need, except love and kindness. In return for my privilege, I suffered.
Romeo and I stop in front of the cotton candy vendor. We watch the woman swirl the pink, cottony fibers around the paper cone.
“What color do you want?”
He looks at me with those fucking eyes I could stare at all day. “Uhm, can I have purple?”
“You can have anything you want.” I pluck the collar of his T-shirt and pull him close. “I mean it. Anything.”
His face is filled with uncertainty and doubt. Who can blame him? How many promises have been made to him over the years? Little dangling carrots to get him to comply?
Hell, I’ve already decided that I’m going to give him everything I own when the two weeks are up. He can run far, far away from his abuser. I know he’ll appreciate it.
I make a mental note to call my lawyer and change my will.
Yeah, I have a will already at nineteen years old.
I can’t let anyone get my money. No one deserves it but Romeo.
I’d originally planned to donate it, but it all belongs to him now.
Well, some will go to donations. I have enough to hand out.
He watches the woman wrapping up the pink cotton candy into a plastic bag before setting it aside. “Can I have purple?” he asks.
She smiles, nods, and grabs a paper cone to build up his sweet treat.
As the purple cotton grows, he looks at me with a huge, genuine smile on his face.
His eyes are wide and full of wonder, as if he’s never seen cotton candy before.
Maybe he hasn’t. Instead of smiling back, my heart aches a little more for him.
It’s only sugar, but to some, it could mean everything.
I’m not the only one who needs these two weeks.
When I came into my money and set my plans in motion last year, I didn’t factor in that I’d want to make a prostitute’s life better.
That I cared about his happiness. They would only be in it for the money, right?
It had originally been about my pleasure and happiness.
How quickly things change. How quickly I want to see Romeo enjoy life and have a genuine smile on his face.
I pay cash as the lady hands Romeo his cotton candy. He adjusts the massive unicorn in one arm and holds his treat in the other.
We start to walk off, but he stops in his tracks and looks at the purple sugar before looking at me. “Do I just… eat it?”
Even though I chuff a laugh, I still hurt for him. Everyone should try a little cotton candy before they die and enjoy pure sugar once in their lives. “Yeah, just take a bite or pinch off some and shove it in your mouth. I generally eat it like that.”
“Oh.”
I pinch a piece off for him and bring it to his mouth. He opens wide, and I shove it in. He rolls it around in his mouth, tasting it while smiling like a loon. “It’s good. It’s weird that it just melts in your mouth.”
I grab some and put it into my mouth, too. “Yep. It’s all for fun.”
Romeo and I stand there in the middle of the pier, eating the cotton candy as people pass us by, oblivious to our pain and plans. Their lives are seemingly happy. Not a frown to be seen. But that’s why I came here, right? A place like this is made to make you smile.
When we finish, I throw away the paper cone as he licks his fingers clean.
There’s a bit of purple on the corner of his mouth, and without thinking about it, I lean forward and lick it off, then I kiss him.
He tastes exactly how he smells. Romeo is pure sugar.
I hope that in his future, he never outgrows it.
I also like that he calls me ‘Sugar’, too. It’s cute. It’s almost as if we’re a couple or something.
“Ready for the Ferris wheel?” I ask him after I pull away. His eyes are on my mouth as he licks his lips and nods slowly.
“Yeah.”
“You know, for someone who doesn’t like to kiss, you sure are good at it.”
He smiles shyly. “Kissing is dangerous in my line of work.”
“I get that, actually.”
I take his hand as we walk. Our hands are sticky, but I don’t care. We can wash them later. I just need this simple touch, like kissing, holding hands, tucking hair behind an ear, or running a thumb over a bottom lip. Intimate things that show care and love.
We reach the Ferris wheel and stand in a long line. We’ll eventually get on. There’s still time to walk on the beach, then we’ll grab some dinner.
“Uhm, Julien?”
I wrap my arm around him and drape it over his shoulder, claiming him as mine. “Yeah?”
“You don’t have to pay me to kiss.”
I pinch his chin with my free hand, tug his face toward me, and give him a peck. I’m addicted to kissing him, which I hadn’t expected. “I’m paying you. You deserve all the money.”
He smiles and nibbles his lips. He does that a lot, I noticed, which shows how shy he really is. “But why? N-not that I’m complaining.”
“Because when the two weeks are up, I never want you to suffer again. You’re going to leave this place and find a good life for yourself.” My hand hanging over his shoulder reaches for his forehead. I move his head to the side and kiss his temple. “Promise me.”
When I let go, his thick, dark brows furrow, and he nods. “Okay.”
“Say the words.”
“I promise.”
We don’t say much else as we move up in line. I keep Romeo tethered to me at all times.
It’s our turn, finally, and I hand the attendant a hundred. “Let us sit alone?”
“Sure, whatever, man.”
Romeo and I climb into one of the cars. I wince when I sit. My ass is still on fire from Holt’s attack, but I make sure Romeo doesn’t notice. Once we’re locked in, they move us so the next group of people can get on. I ignore their complaining about us getting a car for ourselves.
“Expensive ride,” he quips with a chuckle.
“Everything I do is on my terms. I can afford to. The last thing I want to do is ride with a bunch of strangers.”
I stare out at the ocean, which is nearly as black as the sky, except for a smattering of stars and boats in the distance. Behind us are the Santa Monica mountains.
It’s windy when we reach the top, and Romeo shivers. I pull the hood over his head and tug him against me as a foggy memory hits me.
“Look over there, Julien. You can see the whole world from up here.”
“I feel like a bird, Daddy.”
My dad took me on one of these rides. Not this one, but somewhere I vaguely recall. I can’t see his face well in the memory, nor do I remember what he sounded like. It’s only a flicker in my mind, but it’s enough to remind me that I was happy once, and maybe I had a parent who loved me.
“What do you think?” I ask Romeo.
“It’s cold, but it’s pretty when we get to the top. It’s almost quiet. The sounds below are muffled, like an afterthought.”
I smile at that and rest my head on his. “I went on one of these when I was little… before my dad died.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks. It’s… whatever. But I just remember feeling this happiness.
I was too little to go on the other rides, but there are shadows of a memory of the Ferris wheel and this sense of freedom, as if I could fly.
My dad is so distant in my mind that I barely remember his face.
I want to relive that feeling, you know? ”
“So this is… important to you?”
I kiss the top of his hood-covered head. “Yeah, it is.”
“Then it’s important to me too.”
Cherry or Derrick would have rolled their eyes or made fun of me if I were ever vulnerable like this. Not Romeo. Maybe he didn’t fully understand why it’s so important to me, but he would never make me feel bad about it.
After a few rotations of the Ferris wheel, we stop way up high, and the car we’re sitting in gently sways in the breeze. It’s relaxing, and when Romeo rests his head on my shoulder, it almost feels like we’re real boyfriends on a real date.
“I want to find joy, you know? It’s not about finding happiness.
It’s that, too, but this is about unfettered joy.
That sense of feeling fulfilled down to your very core…
your soul, if you will. I want to look back at my life and know that when I die, it’ll be with a smile on my face and on my own terms.”
He raises his head to look at me. “And this is joy to you?”
“Yes. I feel… maybe not unfettered joy, but I’m at peace for now. The ocean and the breeze relax me. It’s easy to forget my pain. Well, I’ll never forget. It’s branded into my soul, but for just a minute, I feel fucking good.”
Romeo rests his head on me again, and we start moving back down. “I get that.”
I thought he might.
“How about a walk on the beach?” I ask him.
“Sounds nice.”
Once we’ve reached the bottom, we climb off. I’d go another round, but it’s too crowded.
I take the unicorn from Romeo, so he’s not constantly holding it, and grab his hand again. When we reach the beach, we roll up our pants, kick off our shoes in the sand, and leave them there, but I keep holding the unicorn so no one steals it. It belongs to Romeo.
We head to the water and walk in the shallows. It’s cold at first, but I quickly warm up.
“It’s been kind of a weird day, but… I’ve had fun so far,” he says.
“I’m glad. You should be having fun.”
“Thanks. I work every day unless I’m sick or… You know, recovering.”
“You’ve never had a day off?”
The breeze blows his hair away from his face, showing how young he really is, just like me. We’re two old, lost, broken souls in a world that doesn’t care one bit about us.
“No, not to do anything fun, anyway. When I’m not working, I talk to some of the other boys sometimes, or watch TV. I have a roommate who’s kinda cool. My handler likes to… have me a lot, too.”
“Your handler. If I had the fucking power, I’d destroy him and set all of you free from his hold.”
He tugs me to a stop. I turn to face him as he stares out at the water, hugging himself.
“That’s really sweet to say. While I want to leave and escape this life, I don’t know how to live on my own.
None of us does. We’ve been in this world since before our first memories.
All we know is from what we’ve learned from the streets or watching TV. ”
I stand behind him, wrap my free arm around his waist, and pull him against me. He seems like he needs it. Honestly, I’m not even sure where this side of me is coming from. I thought my empathy vanished somewhere between the repeated rape by my stepfather over the years and the cheating.
“I shouldn’t tell you any of this. It’s… unprofessional. But I… also want you to know. While I want to leave, and I plan on it, I’m fucking terrified that he’ll find me, that he’ll kill me. Or worse, I’ll die because I don’t know how to take care of myself.”
I rest my chin on his head and close my eyes. I’m not sure if he’s trembling from fear or the chill in the air.
In another life, I’d stick around to protect him and make him mine.
But I need to stick with the plan. There’s no going back.
I don’t want to hurt anymore. All I see when my eyes are shut is my death.
I’m not afraid because I know I won’t be hurting anymore.
I won’t even feel the nothingness of death.
Romeo will never find out because I won’t tell him.
All I need from him is a guarantee that he won’t ever go back.
“You can tell me whatever you want or need to. Never be afraid to explain to me how you feel. In fact, I want to know.” My hand slides under the hoodie and T-shirt to feel his warm skin against my palm. I feel his breathing, which is fast and heavy.
Romeo turns to face me and rests his hands on my hips. “Yes. You’re so smart. I have no way to express it, but I feel like I’m in a prison or something. I think I do live in a prison.”
I finger his hair away from his face and tuck the strands behind his ears.
“When we suffer, we build these walls, you know? Brick by brick, we layer and thicken. Sometimes we toss on barbed wire and chained locks. The more trauma, the higher and thicker our walls are until eventually we don’t feel any longer.
That’s the goal, right? It helps protect us from our pain, but it also takes away our happiness.
We move through life, never reaching our full potential.
Eventually, the walls meant to protect become our prisons.
The walls are so thick and high that there’s no possibility of escape.
And I want to fucking escape more than I need to breathe, not only from my suffering, but from my mind.
I’m just not strong enough to tear the walls down. ”
“I want to escape, too. So much.”
I lift his chin to get him to look at me. “Then we’ll break out of our prisons together. In the end, we’ll know peace. I’m certain of it.”
“I’d really like to believe that.”
“You will. That’s a promise.”
Romeo’s right. Today’s been weird. But I’ll take weird any day over what I’ve lived through. What he’s lived through.
“Ready for some dinner?” I ask him.
“Yeah, I could eat.”
“If you could eat anything in the world tonight, what would it be and where would you like to go?”
“I… I don’t know. I’m not sure what I like. My food choices have been limited. But I think maybe I’d like to try a fancy restaurant one day.”
“What’s your favorite food?”
He shakes his head, and the hair falls in his face again, so he pulls it back. “I don’t want to eat what I already know.”
I grin and press my lips to his. When I pull away, I say, “I’ve got just the thing, but we need to grab you something nice to wear first. I’ll take you somewhere special. For now, we need something quick.”