Chapter 1
Beautiful Disaster
Chapter One
It came out of left field. Be real, Jinx. It came from home plate, so it wasn’t a total surprise. That’s the extent of my knowledge of baseball.
Well shit.
Another girlfriend bites the dust.
I lie in bed naked and sweaty as I watch Gwen put on her bra. Tangled, blond waves spill forward when she grabs her underwear from the floor.
“You know, you’re such an asshole,” she says, pulling up her panties.
“Look, I’m sorry, okay?”
To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for. Gwen’s always mad at me over various shit. I keep fucking up somehow.
“You’re always fucking sorry. I’ve put up with your ass for six months now. I forgive you and forgive you. Still, you never change. It’s boring, Jinx. I’m fucking bored.”
Ouch.
I’m not stupid. I’m not ignorant. But I can be blunt.
Before, I’d come to terms with that, but now?
I keep losing people I care about because I can’t keep my fucking yap shut.
I’m brutally honest, and sometimes there are situations that call for more delicacy, but I just can’t stop myself.
I’m not sure I even know how to be delicate.
But this time, I don’t think I said anything to her that would piss her off enough to dump me.
It’s not all my fault. I wasn’t exactly raised by loving parents. No, I was raised by a perverted pimp who loved to abuse and fuck his boys before dumping them on the streets to sell their bodies to as many men as we could take. That shit leaves scars, you know?
I’ve spent years in therapy, thanks to Julien.
He saved Aleks and me from Tito. I’ve made a lot of good strides, but I guess it’s not enough.
Doc said it’s a coping mechanism of some sort.
Hurt others before they hurt me. Maybe, but I don’t see it.
It’s not like I’m intentionally trying to hurt people.
“It’s not that you’re a bad person, babe. We just keep having the same argument over and over. Nothing gets resolved. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living like that.
While I love the ladies, they need gentleness I didn’t expect. That’s just not me, and I fucking tried. Maybe that’s what she’s angry about.
“Come here. If you want to snuggle, I’ll snuggle.”
Gwen’s pretty green eyes narrow as she zips up her jeans.
“Jesus, it’s not just about your lack of affection.
You’re smart as fuck, Jinx, but not where it matters.
” She pulls her fitted T-shirt over her head.
“And you don’t have to speak every single word that filters through that stubborn head of yours.
Tact, Jinx. You need fucking tact, and you have zero amount of it. ”
My brain tries to recall what I said to finally set her off, but I’m drawing blanks.
I reach out for her and wiggle my fingers. “Come on, baby. You know I care about you. You also know the trauma I’ve gone through. It’s no secret. I’ll go back to see my therapist. I promise.”
She rests her hands on her hips. “No, Jinx. I’m done.
I shouldn’t have to keep fighting with you about this.
” She sits on the edge of the bed and places her hand on my face.
“Look, I get what you’ve been through. That shit…
I can’t even fucking imagine. But I need love and kindness.
I need someone who’s emotionally intelligent and available.
Someone I can connect with. I feel like such an asshole for dumping you because of your trauma, but I have to think about me, too. ”
I take her hand and play with her fingers. “I guess that’s fair.” It’s not, though. I’m tired of being dumped. And I still don’t know what I fucking did, but I don’t want to ask her. Something tells me it’ll just piss her off even more.
“You know what you need?” she asks.
I shake my head.
“You need a man. I know you’ve slept with countless men when you were a kid. I still shudder at the thought of what they did to you. But I think you’ll be able to relate to them better. Not just any man. A man who won’t put up with your shit, but won’t leave you for it either.”
I chuckle humorlessly. “It’s not gonna happen.”
It’s not that I have anything against men per se. While I was forced to be a hooker, I thought I was straight. According to my therapist, she thinks I’ve pushed myself to date women just to avoid men. I guess that’s possible. While I can have sex with them, I struggle to bond with them.
She gently fingers back my hair. “You’re so amazing in so many ways.
You’re in college, preparing for a job that’s so rewarding, which impresses the hell out of me after what you’ve been through.
You do great work on the ranch here and take care of the gazillion animals.
But you’re emotionally stunted. That just doesn’t work for me any longer.
I tried. I really did. I’m sorry, Jinx.”
“Yeah, me, too. Thanks for not beating me up too badly, though my ego is kind of bruised.”
She laughs and kisses my forehead. Then she stands, grabs her jacket, and waves. “See ya around, Jinx.”
“Bye.”
***
After an early morning horseback ride along the river that fronts the ranch, I sit at the kitchen island, poking at my oatmeal. Julien is brewing coffee, while Aleks is sauteéing onion and bell peppers for their omelettes.
The two of them easily maneuver around each other, being in such a massive kitchen.
Hell, the house is massive. We stumbled onto the place while driving through Durango.
It was a spontaneous buy, but when you’re Julien Kendrick, a nineteen year old trust fund baby and gazillionaire, you can toss around money like it’s water.
No shame here. He deserved every penny after the shit he went through with his stepfather beating and raping him for years, and his mother turning a blind eye to it.
Julien turned the place into a horse ranch, while we all went through online college. It’s been busy as hell around here, but I’ve really enjoyed my life here.
The mansion-like cabin sits nestled between mountains, a river, and meadows. It’s truly stunning. Way better than Figueroa Street in LA. Hell, anything is better than that.
Julien had been on a suicide run a few years ago and hired Aleks, who was known as Romeo back then, in his hooker days, to be his escort.
Before the road trip was set to start, Aleks was attacked by our handler Tito.
Julien swept in just in time and killed him to save Aleks.
I stumbled onto the scene and helped them clean up.
We went on the run, but no running was needed.
Police don’t give a shit about dead pimps and human traffickers.
It didn’t take long for the two of them to fall in love. And that right there saved Julien from his suicide mission. He saved himself to stay with Aleks.
Aleks cracks some eggs into a bowl, sprinkles it with some salt and pepper, and pours a splash of milk into it. He rapidly whisks the mixture as the vegetables soften in the pan. The air is filled with coffee beans and scents of breakfast.
I watch the two men interact, constantly touching each other as if they would suddenly be torn apart if they didn’t. Aleks pours the mixture into the pan and Julien steps behind him, fingers back Aleks’ silvery-bleached hair away from his ear, and kisses his cheek. “Love you,” he says.
Aleks turns to look at Julien with a huge smile, his mismatched eyes, one green and one brown, gleam at his lover and fiancé. “I love you, Sugar.”
My fucking cold, dead heart aches every time I watch them interact. I want what they have. It’s lonely. But every time I try to find my own soulmate, I fail miserably.
Maybe I don’t always show it, but I care deeply about these two men.
Julien saved us from prostitution and gave us a home and family.
Aleks had saved me, or tried to, after Tito first raped me.
He was brutally beaten for it. The amount of guilt that surged through me was enough to change my very being.
I glance away from their tenderness and try to take a bite of my oatmeal, but I’ve lost my appetite, and shove away the bowl.
“Break up again?” Julien asks, turning to me and pouring creamer into his mug. His dark-brown curls are still damp from his shower. He’s fucking hot is what he is with eyes that match his hair, thick lashes and brows. He has one of those chiseled jaws and high cheekbones. He could’ve been a model.
“How’d you know?”
“You have the same look on your face every single time someone dumps you.”
“Ugh… patterns suck, man. I hate being so obvious.”
Aleks glances behind him, frowning. “I’m so sorry, Jinx. I know how much you liked Gwen. We liked her, too.”
Julien pours me a cup of coffee and slides the mug my way. I take it and wrap my fingers around it. “That’s the longest relationship you’ve had yet. I thought she was the one.”
“Yeah, whatcha gonna do?” I shrug.
“If patterns are causing you pain, don’t you think it’s time to change shit up?” Julien asks before taking a tentative sip of his coffee.
“Yeah, I’m gonna make an appointment with my doc. I keep pissing everyone off.” I look up at my friends and sigh. “Except for you two, numbnuts.”
Julien smirks and shakes his head. “Well, calling your friends ‘numbnuts’ probably doesn’t help.”
Aleks giggles and nods.
“Probably,” I admit. “But why can you guys accept me the way I am and not my girlfriends?”
Julien raises a brow and looks at me as if it’s obvious. “Dude, we’re not the ones sleeping with you. They are. And while I do find you to be a pain in the ass sometimes, all three of us are bound together after I… After Tito died.”
“True, I guess.”
I take a sip of my coffee and sag my shoulders. “But I want to find someone. I want what you guys have. It’s not fair. Y’all fell in love in like two weeks. I can’t get someone to love me after six months.”
Aleks turns off the stove, wipes his hands, and steps over to me.
He sits on a stool and takes my hand. Affection is another thing I struggle with, and probably a big reason why the ladies get tired of me.
When you grow up without it, it’s hard to perform, and I have to perform.
It generally doesn’t come naturally, like from a deep place in my heart.
But Romeo is. He’s the sweetest person I know. He has the gentlest heart.
“You’ll find your person. I just know it. You’ll find someone who loves you exactly for who you are. I did. Julien did. It happened when we least expected it. We weren’t meant to fall in love. At first, I was just a paid hooker for him. Look at us now. It’ll happen.”
“Aleks is right. Maybe stop looking. You jump from girlfriend to girlfriend. One dumps you, and a couple of days later, you’re dating again.”
“Pfft… I guess.”
“I’m surprised you haven’t run out of people to date in this dinky town,” he chuckles.
It’s hard when you’ve been as lonely as I have for years and years.
“Thanks, guys.”
“Stop forcing it,” Julien adds.
“Do you feel better?” Aleks asks.
I nod just so he’ll feel better. He’s a lot more sensitive than I am. See? Why couldn’t I do that with Gwen?
“I’m so glad, Jinx.”
He stands and returns to cooking.
Julien slides a business credit card across the counter. “Would you mind taking the truck and going to the feed store? I’ve ordered everything already. You just need to pick it up. The horses and cattle need some things before the first snow hits this weekend.”
“I thought Foxy was supposed to run the errands.” Foxy and Tink came to us this past summer. They were other boys that Tito bought and used. They escaped when Tito died, but they called me for help to get out of LA. Julien and Aleks drove to get them and bring them home.
Yep, Julien and Aleks are amazing men. Better than I’ll ever be.
“Foxy and Tink are cleaning out the horses’ stalls.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll go,” I say.
“Chin up, Jinx. You’re only nineteen. You’re still young.”
“Ugh, thanks for reminding me. I feel like I’m forty-nine.”
Julien chuckles as I take the card and shove it into my wallet. I leave the kitchen with plans to eat out instead.