Twenty
Jamie
I shouldn’t have let him go.
And what? What would I have done?
It’s not like Noah would have listened if I’d told him to stay. Not after I told him to do it, because I’m the dumbest fucker alive. Molten sludge filled my stomach when asswipe Ben walked into the house. Shit, he doesn’t even deserve to kiss his fucking shoes.
What am I going to do now?
Noah didn’t deserve that at all.
Grabbing my phone, I check the restaurant to see how far it is. Clicking the walking directions, I realize it’s a thirteen-minute walk into town, and looking at the steps, it’ll be easy enough to get there.
What am I doing leaving the house?
Thinking about him sitting there all alone pisses me off.
I head to my room and change my sweater, choosing one with fewer paint stains and holes. Noah looked so handsome earlier, so I assume the restaurant’s nice. Slipping on a pair of black-wash jeans, I rush to the bathroom.
Taking my beanie off, I fix my hair as best I can before brushing my teeth. I catch my reflection in the mirror. I look... human. And happy. This is the most effort I’ve put into my appearance in years, but Noah’s had enough embarrassment for one night. He doesn’t need more.
Thirteen-minute walk.
I can do this.
Keeping my head down and the destination in focus, I try not to let the tightening in my chest bother me. I’ve only left the house a handful of times over the last few years. My mother had chosen this house for us because it was close to downtown, in case we got jobs somewhere. It’s also near the library where she and now Noah work. Easy access for her to help me if I need it.
Which I’ve never accepted.
She’s done enough for me. Why can’t she see that?
Picking up the pace, I start to jog, hoping I’m not a sweaty mess by the time I get there. The brisk air helps a little. My back, however, helps none.
Anger fuels me, though, and I ignore the little zaps of pain lighting up my spine.
The voice from my phone app tells me to take a right. Lights illuminate the busier street. It’s here somewhere. Slowing to a walk so I don’t look like a crazy person, I ignore the stares of some people. Finally, I see a small restaurant with a valet out front, but not having a car, I move past the crowd waiting to be assisted and head straight in the golden doors.
I walk up to the podium, where a pretty woman smiles at me. “Welcome. Can I have the name for your reservation?”
“Oh, uh. I don’t have one.”
She cocks her head, looking me up and down. Yeah, okay, I do not look like a regular, sure. I hate when people judge me because of my ink and piercings. It’s stupid. I try so hard to leash my annoyance as she smiles at me. “Oh, well, I’m so sorry. We’re packed tonight and you need a reservation.” Hearing her, I look through the dimly lit restaurant. Music plays softly through the crowd. “Sir?”
“Sorry, um. No, I don’t have a reservation.” Did he leave yet? It’s only been fifteen minutes between getting ready and jogging here. He didn’t even have his food when he called.
“I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to—”
“My roommate is here.”
She stops writing something on her tablet. “What?”
“Sorry, I know this seems sketchy, but I just ran here because my roommate was having dinner with this douche nozzle, and he stood him up before he even got his food. I’m just—” What am I doing here? This is crazy, right? I look crazy. “I’m sorry.”
“Brown curly hair?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Cute, black crop and cream pants?”
“Oh, yes, yes.”
“Super cute.”
“Uh . . .” Absolutely . “Y-yeah.”
“That guy was an asshole.”
“I just want to sit with him, so he’s not by himself. I don’t have to order anything.”
She clutches her tablet to her chest with a wide smile. “I can take you to his table.”
“Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. Wait... Here.” Reaching into my wallet, I grab my card. “Whatever the bill is, charge it to this card, okay?”
She looks down at my hand before taking the card and slipping it into the black billfold. “Roommate, huh?”
“Yeah.” I glare at her and she turns back around, unbothered.
It takes a minute to follow her through the restaurant, but finally I spot him, surrounded by food with an empty glass of wine, picking at a piece of garlic bread. He’s not paying attention, and my heart sinks at his face.
Fucking prick.
“I think he’s more upset than he’s letting on. Be nice. He looks sweet.”
“He is.” She pats my arm before letting me walk the rest of the way ignoring the curious looks from the other patrons. At six foot two, with piercings and more tattooed skin than not, I’m used to the looks, but I don’t care about any of that right now. I slide into my chair and Noah glares before the look softens from disbelief to shock.
“What are you doing here?”
Noah looks absolutely devastating. He’s wearing contacts tonight, but I miss his glasses. Food has already arrived, and fuck, it smells good. “Couldn’t let you eat all this alone now, could I?”
“What are you—” Looking around the restaurant, he then focuses back on me. “What are you doing?”
Looking down at the extra plate, I’m confused. This is an Italian restaurant. The fuck? “Is this what he ordered?”
“Uh . . . yeah.”
“He brought you to an Italian restaurant and ordered plain chicken breast and steamed vegetables?” Noah nods sadly taking another sip of his nearly empty wine glass. “And the red flags keep waving.”
Tension eases as Noah laughs. “He implied I was eating too much.” I want to kick the shit out of that man. Popping another piece of bread into his mouth, he shrugs. “All you can eat garlic bread.” I grab a piece and eat, though I don’t want to take too much from Noah, all you can eat or not. He can eat this place clean out of garlic bread, I don’t care.
Looking down at Ben’s plate, I grab a fork. “Plain fucking chicken breast. What a psychopath.”
Noah pushes Ben’s plate to the side and I know what he’s going to do. Grabbing the other fork, he hands it to me, and pushes his Alfredo further into the middle. “Here.” Noah shrugs. “I’ve eaten my weight in garlic bread already. Sharing is caring.”
“Thanks,” I say, and Noah goes back to eating. “So, um. Did you have a nice time until then, at least?”
“It was terrible the entire time.” Noah sighs, popping another piece into his mouth. “Apparently, he doesn’t like feminine gay men, but it’s okay because he absolutely loves shooting things.”
“Why are you so high maintenance? You can’t have everything.” Noah’s green eyes land on me before they float. Covering his face he cries—or laughs. I can’t tell. “I’m sorry, I was trying to be funny.”
“No.” Noah laughs, pulling his hands away. “That was funny. Thank you. I needed that.”
“He really said that?”
Nodding, Noah’s glassy eyes land on me. “Oh, and he did not like you at all. I know you’re in shock right now. Called you an asshole. Or a dickhead. I can’t remember.”
“Ah well, at least you had something in common.”
“I didn’t like him talking about you that way. You’re not an asshole. Just... prickly.”
“Prickly?”
“Like a cactus. A cute, temperamental cactus.”
“Drank all the wine yourself, I see.”
“He had a glass.” Noah looks away.
“And you had the bottle.”
“Nothing to do while I waited for my food but drink. It was on the horse. House. On the horse house.” Laughing hard, I just shake my head. “So what did you do after I left? Watch TV, paint... masturbate to the nudes you pretend you don’t draw of me?” He smirks.
“Yes,” I deadpan, and Noah laughs, but I can’t believe that guy didn’t stay. “That guy was the asshole. You deserve better.”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell myself. It’s not sticking, though. I shouldn’t be surprised.” The slight slur of his words makes me hyperalert. Noah will be okay, though, we aren’t driving home.
“Why do you say that?”
Shrugging, he goes to drink from his glass, forgetting it’s empty. “I should expect it.”
“Why?”
“It’s all I’m good for.”
“That’s not true. Like, at all.” Noah’s so much fun just to be around.
“Then why don’t you want me, Jamie?”
Guilt chews at my stomach. “That’s not what I’m doing.” It’s not... right? We have fun doing a bunch of random shit. We’re friends. “We’re friends, Noah. I wouldn’t use you like that.”
His eyes go far away, looking beyond me. “Some people are relationship people and some people are hookup people. I am a hookup person.” There’s zero light in his voice.
“That’s not true.” Whoever it ends up being, Noah will make them so happy. It isn’t me, though. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth. “Did he drink out of this?”
“No, just the wine.” Noah’s quiet as I take a sip of water. I want to go back home, take my painkillers, and let the soft hum of medicated numbness take my pain and thoughts away.
Noah chews his bottom lip before he looks up, meeting my eyes. “I have a secret to tell you.”
“What’s that?”
Leaning forward a little, his green eyes shine. How did that man just walk away? He smiles wide and I can’t help but offer my own, watching the wide stretch of his mouth. “I like being friends with you.” Noah whispers. “We don’t have to mess around. I just enjoy being around you.” Noah pulls back, putting his hand over his mouth like he said something scandalous.
Out of everything he could have said, that wasn’t what I expected. “You do?”
Nodding, Noah looks at his plate. Taking a bite, he groans, the sound going right to my dick. Noah likes being around me. “Oh my god. This, right here. It’s worth everything that’s happened tonight. So good. What kind of loser skips out on food this good?”
“The same kind of loser who ditches a gorgeous man at dinner.” Noah stops eating as the words slip out of my mouth. Heat burns my ears. It’s not like he doesn’t know I find him attractive, but saying it like that...
A lazy smile spreads on his face as Noah continues eating. It’s quiet but not uncomfortable as we finish. “Can I get you two anything else?”
“Can I get a box please?” Nodding, the waitress leaves. “You didn’t even touch the chicken and rice.”
“I know.” Drinking the rest of the water, I take him in. In another life this could be real. In another life we could be on a real date. But Noah doesn’t know me, not really. I’m ugly and twisted in ways I desperately want to hide. Tonight, though, is not about me. It’s about Noah.
“I love that shirt, by the way. You look really good tonight.” The tight black tank top stops right above his navel, the taught lines of his stomach a delicious path for me to paint my tongue over.
A soft smile spreads on his face and he touches the fabric of the black top. Noah’s lips purse as he looks down. “You don’t think it’s to feminine?”
“Too feminine? It’s clothing. Clothing doesn’t have a gender. You look good. I like your makeup too. Bri would be proud.” Noah’s eyes don’t leave mine for a moment, then he blinks down at the nearly empty plate.
“Thank you.” Noah looks at the box of food I have. “What are you doing with that?”
“I have someone to give it to.” Noah’s brows pinch. I shrug. It’s not like I’m eating it, I just wish I could do more. “I’m sorry you had a bad date.”
“What bad date?” Noah smiles, his shining eyes lifting to mine. “I’m having a really great night.” Our waitress comes back and puts the billfold down. “I’m afraid to look at the bill.”
“Then don’t,” she says, sliding my card back to me. “It’s paid for.” Grabbing the receipt, I give her a generous tip for all the bullshit today and for being kind to Noah. When I hand her the receipt back her eyes widen a touch. “Ah, thank you. You two have a great night. I’d say sorry about your date, but uh, you seem to have made out just fine.”
I love September nights where I live. The August heat is cooling off and welcoming the cool air slowly. My skin is on fire and all I want to do is lie down.
“I can call us a ride,” Noah suggests.
“No!” I snap, and his grip tightens on my arm. “Sorry, no. I’ll be okay. It’s a nice night.” And a short walk. I can make it, but running down here earlier had not been smart.
“You sure?”
I nod, trying to push down the webs of fear spreading in my lungs and making it hard to breathe. “I’m okay, uh...” Okay, just calm down, it’s not like he’s forcing me into one. He just mentioned it because he’s a normal sane person, and that’s a normal sane thing to ask. Just breathe. “When we get back, can I sleep with you tonight?”
“With the heating pad?” he asks.
I nearly groan, nodding.
Up ahead I see exactly who I’m after. “One sec.” Taking my bag of food, I catch the man I’d seen sleeping against the side of a building going into an alleyway. Down a bit further, I can see this stranger’s things laid out.
I give him the food and he thanks me as I reach into my wallet, grabbing some cash. Bri always gives me shit for carrying so much, but it’s not as if I ever go anywhere, and now I’m grateful I can give the man three hundred and twenty dollars. “It’s all I have, I’m sorry.” The man thanks me, disbelief in his bleary eyes as he squeezes my hand tight. “Have a good night. If you go down to the library, tell the director—her name is Lia—that Jamie sent you. She’ll help you out.”
There are plenty of resources the library offers, and I hope he takes my advice before the sharp chill of winter hits. “Have a good night. Thank you,” he says.
I turn back to Noah and he just stares at me, confusion splayed across his pretty features. “Come on.”
Threading his arm through mine, we walk, and it gets harder and harder to ignore the throb of pain as it caresses my spine. Noah stops suddenly. I’m confused at what he’s doing until he engulfs me in a hug. Ignoring my pain, I take him in my arms, hugging him back. “Thank you so much for tonight.”
I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to distract myself. Kissing the side of his head, I smile down at him, and a feeling I haven’t felt in so long punches me in the gut. It feels a little familiar.
It feels a lot like love.