Forty
Noah
“I woke up days later in the hospital, pinned in place by a piece of metal stuck in parts of my chest. I had severe nerve damage in my back and couldn’t walk right for months after. When I woke up they told me they were all dead. All of them.” He chokes back a sob. “They were all in that jeep because of me. If we had waited a little longer we wouldn’t have crossed paths with that asshole. If I had just dealt with everything for a few more minutes.”
I don’t have the strength to sit here and not do anything. I get up, sitting on the arm of the chair and rubbing his back. Yes, he hurt me, but watching him cry is breaking me. Mark looks away. Hunter looks like he’s about to cry. I understand now, why Hunter is so protective.
“I was away at hockey camp,” Hunter says softly. “I’ll never forget that phone call.”
Jamie has been beating himself up for five years, living in what-if hell. “It’s all my fault,” I hear him whisper.
“What happened at the lake house?” Jamie needs a distraction as much as I needs answers. “What happened? Why did you shut down on me?”
“Ailee’s sister. I saw her. I took a walk while you slept. I just wanted to take a walk and see what had changed since I’d been there. I ran into Ari on the way. She said some shit to me, and it got under my skin. It’s like she took all my fears and wrapped them up, serving them to me with a pretty pink bow. I was supposed to protect them and—”
“You weren't supposed to protect them. That’s a lot to put on your own shoulders. You tried. You wanted them home because Luci was losing consciousness and if a guy with a sick mind found her like that he would have taken advantage of her. You did the right thing. That asshole in the truck did the wrong thing.”
“They were in the jeep because of me.”
“They were in the jeep because they wanted to be. You actively tried to get Maddox and Ailee to stay. They went because they cared about you.”
“I’ve been a fucking zombie for years. Then you came into my life and I just wanted a slice of your sunshine. Just a little piece, even if I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be this happy. Not while my friends are lying in a fucking grave.”
“I think...” I swallow. “I think you’ve punished yourself enough for something that wasn’t your fault to begin with. There’s a future for you if you can let go of this burden.”
“I didn’t mean any of what I said when we got back from the lake house.”
That makes my stomach sour. While I figured that through listening to his story, it still leaves a very big problem. I understand that Jamie didn’t mean what he said, but he still said it.
Hurting me was easier than telling me the truth.
I just can’t process that right now.
I just need space. “Look at me.” He tilts his head up to face me, tears streaking down his face. “I love you very much. I’m so sorry you went through that. It has to be very traumatic losing people in such a preventable and violent way.” I swallow, wiping my thumbs under his eyes. “It still doesn’t change what you did, though.”
“Noah—”
“If you had just told me this, and what she said to you, I would have told you she was wrong. That you are un-fucking-believable. I would have told you how much I love you—how much we all love you—and how we are so much better for having you in our lives. You didn’t tell me, though. You decided to hurt me and throw something I regrettably did to you back in my face, using my insecurities as a weapon to hurt me. Even after what we experienced together at that lake house no less.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s easy to say sorry. It’s harder to prove it.” I bite the inside of my cheek. “I need some time to think, okay? I think we both need some space right now. I need to figure some things out.”
“Noah please, I—”
“I think space would be good for everyone.” Hunter rubs Mark’s knee, squeezing it.
“You should go with him,” Mark says to my surprise.
“You sure?”
He nods. “He shouldn’t be alone.”
I feel my stomach ease. While I need space I’m still worried about him. “I need time, okay? Don’t call me or text me. I mean it. I’ll text you when I’m ready.”
“Okay.” His knee starts to bounce. This is hard, and I can’t imagine the heavy weight he’s been carrying all these years, but it doesn’t change what he said to me, and I can’t let sympathy make decisions for me. “Can I have a hug?” I nod.
Jamie stands, slowly reaching for me. I’m stiff in his arms until he wraps them completely around me. I allow myself one second of weakness, hugging him back like it’s the last time I’ll ever touch him.
Maybe it is.
“I’m so sorry. About everything. I didn’t mean it,” he whispers. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
While I want to believe it, I can’t let emotions make my decisions. I need to grow up, start actually thinking things through and stop acting on impulse.
So I pull away. “I’ll text you.” Hunter kisses Mark goodbye, following Jamie out the door. I lie down on the couch, unable to think. Mark asks me if I’m okay and I tell him I just want to sleep.
When Mark goes into his room I finally give in to the churn of emotion in my gut and cry until I pass out.