Chapter 20
Madi
After that delicious gym sex session, we clean off and I return to Alric’s room alone so they can get some work done. My suitcase is open on the floor and I pick out a hot-pink lace bra and panty set with black leggings and soft gray T-shirt over it.
Between my late-night confessions with Alric in my makeshift nest and taking two alphas at once, I relish the solitude after such an intimate and intense morning. It’s just another reason I don’t think I’m meant for pack life.
I need so much alone time. I crave time to myself and need to be able to decompress without anyone interrupting me.
Not for an hour or two, either. One of the reasons I love being a sugar baby is because I get days alone to myself.
Unless I’m traveling for content, Monday through Thursday is my time.
No one else’s needs to consider, no one else’s feelings getting hurt.
I’m a solitary creature. There’s safety in seclusion. Packs, they’re together all the time. Harper says she can’t wait to spend every second with her future pack.
Now that I have some alone time, I need to finally call her and catch her up. I pull out my phone, hitting the video chat button. Thankfully, she answers on the first ring.
“Hey, babe!”
The relief of seeing her face again is instant. “Hey! I have so much to tell you! How’s the gallery?”
She’s in the beautiful sunroom where she does most of her art, wearing her favorite paint-covered overalls, with a splash of blue on her cheek. That red hair of hers is tangled up in a knot held together by two paintbrushes. She lives above her art gallery in her luxury omega apartment.
“Oh, it’s good. Bellini, come see Mama!” She turns the phone around and I can see my sweet cat walking towards her. My heart painfully surges. I wish I was home with her, cuddled up in my sad little nest.
Seeing my favorite person and my beloved cat so far away from me, homesickness explodes out of me, tears welling in my eyes.
Harper starts to panic. “Oh my gosh! You never cry, what’s wrong?”
I tell her everything; Hunter’s lie to get me here, Alric’s reaction, desperately calling Zachary to save me only to discover that he was here, too.
Scent matches. The sex. This damn secluded island.
How I could have possibly dated three best friends and business partners for a year without them realizing I was the same person.
I end with, “I just don’t know how to explain so that they truly understand that while I like all of them, I don’t want a pack. I’m terrified of it.”
“You don’t need to explain anything. ‘No’ is a complete sentence. It’s your life, you get to decide what you do with it. They don’t get some magical fated claim on you just because they know what you smell like.”
“I know, but—”
“There’s no buts. You’ve had a life plan, a goal you worked really hard on.
They don’t get to come in and mess it up if you don’t want them to.
From your dads to your clients, you’ve known more shitty alphas than most. They can’t expect to change your whole perspective on their designation because you’ve had some great sex and a few nice days in Greece. ”
“You don’t think I’m making a mistake?” I’m desperate for reassurance that I’m not crazy for not immediately giving into what they want.
It’s what omegas are expected to do, after all.
“Even if you are,” Harper says gently, “it’s your mistake to make.”
“It’s sugar baby rule number nine. No packs. I have these rules for a reason.”
“Well, it might be time to make some new rules. If and when you are ready.”
I ask a question I’m almost afraid to speak out loud. “Do you think I’d be a good pack member?”
Her blue eyes soften. “I’d be happy to be in a pack with you.
You’re a supportive, kind, and loyal friend to me, all qualities needed in a bondmate.
I’d love to see you in a pack, especially if it means getting you out of that shitty ass apartment.
It’s not good for you to be alone so much.
There are some really good alphas out there.
They’re not all like your dads, but that’s up to you to discover on your own.
They can’t force you, but they would be lucky to have you. ”
“They have been really understanding for the most part. Kind, too, which makes it worse. At least if they were jerks, I could be upset at them, but all this compassion and concern adds so much guilt to this situation.”
“What do you feel like you would be agreeing to if they asked you to be a bondmate? What does it look like when you envision a future with them?”
“A lifetime of being in relationships I didn’t get to choose.
Giving up control over my own life. Waking up scared they’ll one day change, the way my dads always did.
Half the time they treated my mom like a needy problem they were cursed to deal with, and the rest they treated her like a queen, all depending on what they wanted from her.
Am I going to get that same treatment from my own pack?
Will they be kind and loving and generous until I disappoint them, until they realize I can’t be controlled?
Harper, they think I’m so fucking perfect, but I’m not.
I’m incapable of loving them. Yes, I like them.
Yes, I love fucking them. I like who they are, but I don’t think I know how to love them the way they deserve to be. ”
“You love me, don’t you?”
I roll my eyes, knowing what she’s going to say. “Obviously, forever and always.”
“Doesn’t that mean you are capable of love?”
“But you’re not an alpha. You would never break my heart, and society doesn’t give omegas the power to hold another’s life at their fingertips the way it does with alphas.”
“And you think they would hurt you like that?”
“Not on purpose, no, but I think that it’s going to take a lot more time to be able to answer that question.
They all fell for a version of me I tailored to them so they would keep paying me, and I’ve barely been able to be myself here.
They’ve only ever seen the best sides of me.
Fuck, Harper. They don’t even know my real name yet!
All they know is that one of the names they call me is correct, and I don’t know if they figured out it’s the one Alric was told. ”
“Come home, get some space from them, figure out what you want. Find a therapist who specializes in omega childhood trauma. You don’t need to make such a huge life decision under duress. Why don’t they know your name yet?”
It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try. “They have too much of me right now. If I choose to walk away forever, I can say they never even knew my name. It just feels less real, I guess.”
She looks thoughtful. “I can understand that.”
There’s a loud buzz inside of her apartment. “Sorry, hon, I have a delivery downstairs, I have to go, but call me later!”
She blows me a kiss and hangs up, leaving me with plenty to think of, but for now, a tug deep within me is missing my stoic alpha.
Alric has been gone since this morning when I woke up in his arms, but I think I know where he is.
The rain is light and I don’t mind getting a little damp.
I leave his room and walk towards the back door, shutting it behind me.
I’ve always loved the rain, cloudy skies, and the greenery for miles that it brings.
My big city life is enjoyable for now. I love the convenience of everything I need being within a couple blocks, but I always saw myself somewhere far from there.
Near forests and waterfalls, where tiny red mushrooms grow along trails and moss clings to ancient trees.
I only stayed in the city so long because that’s where most of my clients are—not a lot of need for a sugar baby in quaint small towns next to icy oceans.
I feel so turned around, as if I’m drowning in emotions.
The future I had for myself is becoming fuzzy after this week. It has always been so clear, but now the things I want and need shift inside of me. I don’t want to need any alphas, but these three men are winding themselves into my soul.
The thought of never seeing them again presses an ache into my chest, but it feels like a complete betrayal of myself.
I was never supposed to need anyone, want anyone.
When I was young, I promised myself I’d never rely on any alpha, and here I am missing them, even though they’re so close. How much of this tangled emotion is the scent match’s influence, though? What is a genuine connection versus the fact my body’s chemistry aligns perfectly with theirs?
They’re offering me the life most omegas dream of—hell, that most people dream of. Rich, hot partners, ready to dedicate themselves to me forever.
I must be truly broken if all I want to do is reject it.
Harper is right, though, I don’t need to make decisions today. They aren’t asking me to marry or bond with them right this second. They’re only asking for a chance to find out what this whole scent match thing really means.
Scent matches are a very serious biological phenomenon. It overrides everything in our society. If you’re married and you find your match, you’re granted an instant divorce if you want it.
I need to decide if I want everything it entails.
There are spring flowers all around the island and I pick my favorites. Delicate daisies, wild lavender, vibrant red poppies, and a variety of others. I place them in my salt water-damaged bag. I’m going to need quite a few of them for what I’m planning. It takes me about an hour to collect enough.
I return to the villa’s outdoor dining area, and lay out all the flowers, the stems longest to shortest and then by color.
I quickly take three flowers at a time, threading the stems together, adding another flower and forming a circle to make a small wreath.
It’s the same principle as a flower crown, just on a larger scale.
One of the things I learned at Forest Scouts summer camp—well, that and how to sell a lot of cookies.
When I was a kid, I loved going to camp, even though the beds were uncomfortable and I ended the summer covered in mosquito bites, because at least I got to be away from home. A break from seeing my mother beg for her pack’s attention, a respite from being ignored or criticized at home.
It takes some time, but my fingers are nimble and repetitive motion makes for easy work.
When I’m finally done, confident it’s secure enough to be able to be moved, I gently pick it up and head straight to the small cemetery.
I know what it’s like to mourn parents, both living and dead.
Alric is exactly where I figured he would be, but I’m not prepared for the sight of him on his knees before the marble that holds his mother.
His shoulders are slumped, head bowed, and all I want to do is comfort him, but everyone grieves differently, so I wait by the gate.
I don’t wish to assume that he wants me here, and I’d understand if he didn’t.
He turns his head. “Come here.”
I walk swiftly to his side, kneeling down with him. “I made her something.”
“Thank you,” he rasps, gently taking it from me, looking at all the flowers woven together with glossy eyes before gingerly placing it on the marble. “She loved the wildflowers here. It was one of her favorite things about the island.”
“What was she like?” I ask, placing my head on his bicep, hoping he’s willing to tell me about her.
“Full of life, stubborn, did things her own way. She would’ve liked you.”
That’s a nice thought.
“I’m sure I would have liked her, too. Sorry we can’t go sailing today.”
“That’s alright. She would’ve just been happy that I’m not alone today.
I came home every summer during college and brought Zack and Hunter with me.
She loved them like they were her own. We had a great time running around.
When my dad made his first million, he told my mom to design her dream house and he would pay for it, so she did.
It took years, but she loved living here. ”
“I’m so sorry you weren’t there when she passed.”
I can’t imagine the guilt he must have been carrying all these years.
“She was surrounded by family, though, and that mattered, even if I wasn’t there.
Though they weren’t together, my father spared no expense to try and get her well, but some illnesses are insidious.
Her family was wealthy and she worked in finance when I was growing up, but he insisted he be the one to take care of her. ”
Sounds like a good alpha.
It starts to rain harder, but we stay there a little longer in silence.
We kneel there in the shared pain of losing a mother, words no longer needed. Just my warm hand in his, the silent understanding at that particular ache between us.
It is only when the light sprinkles turn into a rainstorm that we head back.