Chapter 30 Daniel
Chapter thirty
Daniel
Daniel
I sit for an hour, letting Danny watch cartoons on the too-tiny TV in the corner of the room.
Tina comes and checks on us before her shift ends.
Danny’s obviously fine, besides a runny nose and sore throat.
Tina reminds me, kindly, that kids get sick, and it’s actually beneficial for their immune systems. I’m still sick with worry and hurt and helplessness that weighs heavily on me. Both from Danny and Nell.
My sweet, beautiful Nell.
My perfect, precious Danny.
I don’t know what to do with all of these warring emotions, so I simply breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. Eventually I’ll figure everything out, right? Eventually it won’t hurt so much, right?
Nell returns and stands for a moment, watching me. I can’t look at her. I don’t know what I’m going to see written on her face, and frankly, I’m not sure if I can handle it either way.
She sits down softly in the chair beside me.
“I think Danny should stay with you for a few days,” she says quietly.
She rests her hand on my thigh, and I lay mine on top of hers, squeezing her hand hard.
I won’t let myself hope yet. But it’s also not a flat-out rejection.
I nod. I hadn’t thought beyond the hospital, but I would feel better with Danny sleeping in a warm bed, in my house, knowing she’s close so I can check on her whenever I want.
I know Nell is her mother and has every right to take her back to that basement, but it would kill me inside.
Nell squeezes my hand back before she moves to Danny’s bed.
“I think you and Daddy should spend a few days hanging out at his house. I have some things I need to take care of that would be really boring for you. Would you like that? Maybe you can show Daddy how you want your new room decorated?” she asks.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Danny nodding excitedly.
Nell drops a kiss to her hair. “And I’m always only a phone call away. Can you FaceTime me tonight, before bed?” Nell asks Danny, who giggles and tells her, ‘Of course’.
As she passes me, the urge to reach out and stop her, grip her hand again, ask her what she’s thinking rides me hard, but I don’t. Nell ghosts a hand through my hair tenderly before she turns and leaves.
Discharge was easy, but I have to carry Danny everywhere because we left her shoes at her house.
When we get home, it’s late morning and we’re both starving, so instead of cooking we order UberEATS from the diner we ate at the first time.
Around one in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. Hoping it’s Nell, I open it without thinking.
Harrison, Declan and Cass stand on my front stoop. Tina must have called Harrison.
“Come in,” I say, opening the door for them more.
My eyes drift to Danny, who is snuggled up on the couch watching a Disney movie.
It’s clear she doesn’t feel good, but besides slightly glassy eyes and a red-rimmed nose, you’d never know.
I drop a kiss on her forehead to check her temperature before I motion for my friends to follow me into the dining room.
I have a feeling I know what they’re here to talk about, but I don’t want to have this conversation in front of Danny.
Cass is the first to sit. She whistles low, her eyes dragging up and down my body. I had been so worried about Danny; I hadn’t changed out of yesterday’s suit. “Man, you look like hell.”
“Thanks,” I mutter, scrubbing my face with my hands. My normally clean cheeks scratch my palms with what has passed a five-o’clock-shadow hours ago.
They’re quiet for a long beat, the weight of what they want to say a heavy presence in the room. I’m already tired, already miserable.
“What’s going on?” Declan finally asks, breaking the silence. “Tina called Harrison. Said you went full papa bear last night.”
I slump into one of my chairs, turning it to face my friends.
My friends, who I know are here with good intentions, but who I wish would leave.
We don’t do emotions and heart-to-hearts.
We love each other, and respect each other, and while Declan’s found love, and they’re comfortable teasing me about Nell, I don’t know if they’re exactly the right people to help.
Cass doesn’t believe in love, and Harrison? Hell, who knows what Harrison thinks?
“Nell texted that she had a fever. I admit I freaked out, but I don’t feel at all guilty about it. I’ll overreact a thousand times before I under-react.”
Declan simply nods slowly in response.
They know it’s not about Danny.
I sigh long and low before I finally just give in.
“They’re sleeping in the goddamn basement.” I blink and look at the room and the house around us. “I offered her everything I have. Me, money, the house...” I trail off, emotion clogging my throat. I’m not sure I can voice out loud the worst of it. That I’m not enough.
Cass is next, talking to me slowly like she would if she were approaching a wild animal. “And why do you think that is?”
“She made some stupid promise to her dad before he died. To keep their family together. But you haven’t seen them, Cass. That’s not a family. They treat her like a servant. And her fucking stepsisters tried to seduce me. Who does that?”
And now, apparently, because I’ve started talking about it, the floodgates open.
“All these years of searching for her, of waiting for her, of knowing she’s the one, and she’s right in front of me and I still can’t have her.
I imagined a lot of things when it came to her, but all of them ended up with us together in the end.
Living out our own version of happily ever after.
But what if she never comes around, man?
What if she never chooses me? Or the life we could have together?
Is she really going to live the rest of her life as a servant because of a promise that was blackmailed out of her? ”
“Blackmail?” Harrison asks, sitting forward in his chair.
I rub my eyes. “Not blackmail - blackmail. But it was her dad. Her person. And he was dying. What was she going to say? ‘No’?” Harrison relaxes a little, and it softens the pain in my chest knowing he’s already protective of her.
At the very least, she has new friends. Even that doesn’t feel right. Can I just be a friend to her? I look toward the living room where Danny lies. It would break everything inside of me, but if that’s the only way to be a part of their lives, I know I have to try.
Cass places her hand on my arm.
“I’m not going to pretend like I have all the answers. But there’s one thing I think you both believe. And it’s that that girl out there comes first.”
I nod. Nell nor I are willing to walk away from Danny.
“What did she say when she left?” Declan asks, and my brain is sluggish to understand him.
“Um...” I say, struggling to recall. “Just that... Danny should stay with me for a few days while she did something... I dunno...” I reply.
There’s a long pause before Harrison speaks up.
“Childhood trauma around poverty is an uphill battle. It sounds like she doesn’t really know what family means.
Add onto both of those the loss of a parent?
You’re asking a lot of her. You’re asking her to put her complete faith in you - to trust you to protect her and Danny always.
And you’re asking her to adopt a lifestyle she never imagined for herself.
I think giving her a few days to process what it all means is the least you can do. ”
Declan, Cass and I simply stare at Harrison, slack-jawed. That might have been the most I’ve ever heard him talk. About anything. Ever.
And you know what? He might be right.
Cass stands. “Go shower. You stink. We’ll keep an eye on Danny while you’re in there. Declan and Harrison can open the club, and I can stay while you nap,” she says, and I know it’s an order, not a request.
I nod stiffly. Maybe once I’ve slept, I’ll be able to process Harrison’s words with more clarity.
Cass has an eight-year-old son, so I trust her to know the whole kid thing.
I say ‘goodbye’ to Declan and Harrison, who let themselves out, and drag my tired feet to the shower.
When I’m finished and have taken a quick nap, I send Cassidy to the club and pull Danny into my lap as we watch two more movies.
Her fever doesn’t return that night, but after I put her to bed, I make a makeshift mattress on the floor next to her so I can check on her throughout the night.
As my dry eyes struggle to stay open. I pull my phone out of my sweatpants.
But what do I send? She said she needed a few days, but she didn’t say she needed space.
Do I tell her I love her? Over text? That’s lame.
Do I tell her I’m giving her space? That’s presumptuous.
I scroll through our text messages over the last few months.
Mainly mundane things - pictures of Danny, questions about the two of them, dogs I pass on the street. Until I scroll to the beginning.
And re-read my first message to her.
Me: But before we get to work, I need you to know what I want.
Alright? And then you can tell me what you can give me.
You're it for me, Nell. You're endgame. I want to date you.
I want to be your boyfriend, fiancé, and husband.
I want you two to move in with me. I want to make you that stay-at-home-mom and pop out however many more kids you want.
I want to feed you, and spoil you, and provide for you.
After you, if could never be anyone else.
Before I can second-guess myself, I press my thumb to the message, hold down, and copy it. I drop it back into our current chat and send it.
Because all of that is still true for me, and beyond telling her what I want, the rest has to come from her.
Before I shut the phone off, I see that my message has been read, but no bubbles appear telling me she’s replying.
I check Danny’s forehead one more time before lying down and drifting off into a dreamless sleep.