Spoonful

Chapter 3 #3

Jaylin shook his head. “I’m ready if you are.” He tended to cycle between the same few orders. He knew what he liked at this point, and what would also leave him with plenty of leftovers.

“Alright,” Hiro said to Carlos. “Then I guess we’re ready. One check, please.”

“Of course, yeah,” Carlos said meekly. “What can I get for you?”

They both ordered, and Carlos seemed to be intent on making up for his faux pas, because he was back in a matter of moments with their drinks—coffee for Hiro, horchata for Jaylin. He assured them that the food would be ready in a few and left them to it.

“He seems nice,” Hiro commented. “Friend of yours?”

Jaylin’s cheeks darkened. “I don’t know him that well. It’s his abuela’s restaurant. Carlos’s one of many descendants who work here part-time in some capacity. He just likes to talk.”

Hiro nodded and took a sip of his coffee. “I didn’t know you could speak Spanish,” he said conversationally.

“I picked some up here and there,” Jaylin said, feeling self-conscious. “But I’m not that good at it. I can only speak and understand–I can’t read it or anything.”

“Just because you can’t read it doesn’t mean you aren’t good at it,” Hiro said. “I’m close to fluent in spoken Japanese myself, but I can’t read kanji for love or money. It doesn’t change the fact that I know the language.”

“Oh,” Jaylin floundered. “No, of course not–I didn’t mean–”

Hiro’s smile was soft. “You didn’t mean to put me down, by putting yourself down?”

Jaylin stared at him, not knowing what to do. “I…”

“Hey,” Hiro said gently. “It’s okay. I just know how easy it is to get stuck in your own head.

How much easier it is to focus on your negatives and dismiss the positives.

But putting yourself down doesn't benefit you. It doesn’t make you work harder or better, it just discourages you and adds stress.

It takes practice to start recognizing your own accomplishments, especially if you’ve spent so long ignoring them, but there’s a lot of merit in it.

There’s merit in being able to recognize all that you’ve done and how far you’ve come. ”

Jaylin’s ears burned. It was easy for Hiro to say all that, being who he was.

Successful, important, and admired. Hiro probably never had trouble with school.

Never had to deal with classmates laughing at him for struggling to get through a picture book, or teachers looking at him with annoyance or suspicion for doing a math problem in his head because he couldn’t write down his work.

“Yeah,” he mumbled. “Sure, okay.”

Hiro sighed. “I’m sorry. I know it sounds like I’m spouting fluff.”

“Kind of, yeah,” Jaylin said, too twisted up to hold his tongue. He fiddled with his straw so he didn't have to look at Hiro. “I told you, I’m falling behind in all my classes. I already nearly failed high school. It’s hard to recognize accomplishments when you don’t have any.”

For a moment, Hiro just looked at him, head tilted, and Jaylin swallowed nervously. “Sorry,” he said. “I really appreciate you wanting to help me out, I just—”

“What’s the citation for Roe versus Wade?” Hiro asked out of nowhere.

“What?” Jaylin asked, bewildered by the subject change.

Hiro raised an eyebrow. “It’s a pretty famous case. Do you know it, or not?”

“Roe v. Wade, 410 U.S. 113,” Jaylin rattled off, frowning now. “1973. Why?”

“Because most people couldn't do that,” Hiro said, plucking up another chip. “I wouldn’t ask my staff to know citations off the top of their heads.” His smile then looked… sad. “You’re brilliant. But you don’t think you are.”

Something funny flipped over in Jaylin’s chest. “I’m nothing special,” he managed, trying to chase away that feeling. He wanted Hiro to think he would be a decent paralegal someday, not—whatever this was. “Ask anyone.”

“Yeah?” Hiro asked after taking a sip of his coffee. “What about Aditi? She’s already vouched for you.”

Right, Jaylin remembered, unfamiliar electricity licking down his spine. Not that he understood why. “Anyone else,” he said, in the face of the foreign feeling. “My teachers, my classmates–anyone.”

“Here we are,” Carlos said a little too loud and cheerful, arms full of plates. Jaylin flinched as his food was set down in front of him.

“Thank you,” Hiro said, turning a winning smile on Carlos.

Carlos grinned back. “Anything else I could get you? Coffee refill?”

“I’m good, thank you.”

“Okay, great,” Carlos said. “Enjoy your food. Ours is the best around.”

“Looking forward to it,” Hiro said.

“Hey Jaylito,” Carlos said quickly, switching to Spanish. “Is this all kosher? You okay?”

Jaylin startled. “What?”

“You look miserable. Should I get Raul? Kick him out? We’d comp your food.”

Jaylin darted a glance at Hiro, who looked curious but unconcerned. “I’m fine,” Jaylin said. “Um… thanks though.”

“Okay,” Carlos said in English. “Enjoy everything!” He sent Jaylin one last look before scampering away. Jaylin watched him go, more than a little flabbergasted.

“What about Carlos?” Hiro asked.

“What?” Jaylin jerked back to stare at Hiro.

“If I asked him about you,” Hiro said, tilting his head in the direction Carlos had gone. “Do you think he’d say you’re nothing special?”

“I…” Jaylin frowned at his plate. “We don’t know each other well.”

“What about someone who does?” Hiro asked, softer now. “Someone who knew you? You really think they’d say you were nothing special?”

Jaylin didn't have anything to say to that. He didn't really have anyone like that in his life.

It was sad and kind of awful, but the person he spent the most time with now was Brent.

Thinking about Brent now, thinking of Brent’s opinion of him, made a harsh laugh bubble out of him, too raw and real for Hiro’s silly question. “He’d probably say exactly that. That there’s only one thing I’m good for.”

Hiro’s eyes narrowed, and Jaylin’s brain caught up to his mouth. He seized up. Stupid, stupid— “I just mean—it’s not—”

“Doesn’t sound like someone I’d count on for a good opinion,” Hiro said, his voice deliberately mild. “But I’m being pushy again, and I don’t want to put you off your food. Why don’t we change the subject for now.”

“Okay,” Jaylin said with relief.

For that he got another smile, but it was clear Hiro was unsettled by Jaylin’s nonsense.

Jaylin fished for something to say as they began to eat. It wasn’t Hiro’s fault that Jaylin was like this, and Jaylin was enough of an adult to get that Hiro meant well. “So um, did you have something in mind?” he asked as an olive branch.

“In mind?” Hiro asked.

“For meeting with me,” Jaylin clarified. “You… said you’d help me plan? To keep me from falling behind too much.”

Hiro nodded, sitting up straighter. “Yes, of course. Which classes are you struggling with?”

“All of them,” Jaylin sighed. “Except Sign Language. I’m doing pretty okay in that.”

“That’s great,” Hiro said encouragingly. “You’re heading toward being trilingual, huh? That’ll really benefit you as a paralegal. In any job, really.”

Yeah, until they find out I can barely read, Jaylin couldn't help but think. “Maybe.”

“So the law class, the math class, and astronomy?”

“Yeah. Aditi’s doing her best to help me in math, though.”

“How’s that going?” Hiro asked. “Like I said, Aditi said you were really smart.”

“It’s going okay during the one on one,” Jaylin said, averting his eyes. “It’s a different story in class though.”

Hiro nodded understandingly. “Test anxiety?”

“Not… exactly?” The only reason Jaylin was anxious about tests was because he knew he’d run out of time before being able to finish all the questions.

“I’m, um, I’m not good at showing my work.

I can usually get the answer but…” Jaylin shrugged.

“Or it’s a problem that has a lot of theory and analysis in it.

” Something he had to read in order to figure out what math he needed to apply.

“I’m not good with those, unless it’s um, like a question the teacher presents orally. ”

“Wait,” Hiro said. “Didn’t you say you were taking statistics?”

“Yeah,” Jaylin said before admitting, ”They were going to place me in remedial math because of my high school grades, but I was able to test out of it.

” By the skin of his teeth, and only because the tester gave him an extra half hour to rewrite some problems he’d only half-finished, but he’d done it.

It had been such a relief to not have to worry about needing to fit a couple extra prereqs into his two-year plan.

“So how do you do the math problems?” Hiro asked. “In your head?”

“Yeah,” Jaylin mumbled.

Hiro blanched. “Wait, really?”

Jaylin nodded unhappily.

“You’re doing the math for a college level statistics class in your head,” Hiro said slowly.

Jaylin winced. “It’s easier than trying to write it all down.”

Hiro took a deep breath. “I think we might be having two different conversations here, Jaylin. You’re acting like being able to do algebra and calculus in your head is a bad thing, while I’m over here trying to pick up my jaw off the floor.”

Jaylin ducked his head. “If it were so impressive, maybe teachers would stop trying to fail me.”

“That sounds incredibly frustrating,” Hiro said gently.

Jaylin looked up at him in surprise.

“Well, sure,” Hiro continued. “Here you are, able to do the work— knowing you’re capable of doing the work… but the system requires just exactly the specific things you’re not as skilled at, so it makes you look like a failure. When really, you just need to do things differently.”

“I don’t know how I can do anything differently,” Jaylin said wearily. “I don’t think I can do more than I’m doing. I’m already losing sleep over studying.”

“Right,” Hiro said. “Memorizing your textbooks.”

Jaylin didn't answer in favor of eating more of his food. Hiro did the same, clearly using the time to think over something he wanted to say.

“Jaylin,” Hiro said after several minutes. He sounded hesitant, which put Jaylin on alert. What was Hiro going to suggest now? “I don’t mean to be invasive, I really don’t, but… do you have difficulty with reading and writing?”

At once Jaylin went hot with shame. He took his time chewing his current mouthful to prolong having to answer. “Yeah,” he managed to force out. “I’m really bad at it.”

There was silence. Jaylin stewed miserably while he waited for Hiro to laugh at him, or give up and leave, or both. He picked at his food, unable to taste it, which he hated. He wouldn't waste it, but the fact that he couldn't enjoy it really sucked.

Eventually he couldn't take it anymore. “I told you,” he said, breaking the silence. “Not good for much of anything.”

When he peeked back up, Hiro was glowering.

Jaylin reared back in his seat. He didn’t have to deal with other men’s anger much at this point in his life. Anger was something he had grown out of having thrown at him, except when Brent was in a really bad mood.

It didn't stop the visceral reaction of his heart leaping into his throat at having Hiro upset with him.

Hiro shook his head, clearing his throat. “Sorry,” he said. An apology was the last thing Jaylin had been expecting. He stared at Hiro as Hiro seemed to try to center himself.

“Sorry,” Hiro said again. He pressed a hand to his forehead. “I’m just… I’m really upset? You’ve clearly been struggling with this your whole life, and it’s frankly a fucking crime that it hasn’t been addressed by anyone.”

“Addressed how?” Jaylin asked warily. He was kind of worried about what the answer might be.

“All sorts of ways,” Hiro said, counting off on his fingers.

“Providing you with a notetaker or a reader. Giving you permission to record your lectures. Longer testing times. Audiobook versions of your textbooks. Anything. There is absolutely no reason for you to be struggling like this, when there are so many accommodations that can be made for you.”

Jaylin’s throat was suddenly very dry. Accommodations? For him? “Wouldn’t they… wouldn’t they just say I was trying to get special treatment?”

“It’s not about that,” Hiro said, shaking his head.

“It’s not about giving you easier work, or giving you opportunities your classmates don’t get.

It’s about creating a learning environment that works for you.

One that allows you to thrive instead of flounder.

God, Jaylin, you can do calculus in your head.

No one is going to be saying you’re trying to game the system. ”

“But I can’t…” Jaylin swallowed, uncertain. “I can’t even write down how I do it.”

“That doesn’t matter so much in the real world,” Hiro said, voice soft. “Not at all. I couldn’t care less if you wrote down how you solved the equation. All most people need is the right answer.”

Jaylin’s eyes suddenly burned, and he blinked hard to get the feeling to stop. He felt like he was having an out-of-body experience, like he was watching someone else being told that they could have a chance at a better life. “I…”

“You know Aditi’s brother, Deepak?” Hiro asked out of nowhere.

He knew Aditi had a brother. Jaylin didn't see how it was relevant, but he’d bite. “Yeah?”

“Deepak’s one of my best friends,” Hiro said. “Crazy smart. Kind of dumb, but crazy smart. He’s an engineer. Works on some pretty impressive stuff.”

“Okay,” Jaylin said, uncertain.

“He’s functionally illiterate.”

Jaylin’s eyes widened. “W-what?”

“He’s illiterate,” Hiro repeated. “Deepak’s dyslexic to the point that he can’t read written words at all. He’s fine with numbers, but letters don’t work for him.”

Jaylin was aware he was gaping as Hiro continued.

“His parents—the Sharmas–they figured out early on that typical public school wasn’t working for him.

So they pulled him out and homeschooled him for a few years while they created a plan to get him back into the system.

But they wanted to put him into a system that built him up instead of tearing him down.

They actually pioneered a lot of the facilities that schools use now, for people like Deepak. And like you.”

“Like me,” Jaylin whispered to himself.

“Deepak’s an engineer, Jaylin,” Hiro said, and he looked so proud as he said it. “He’s living his dream and up to his elbows in tech. He adapts what he has to and it works for him.” His next words were serious and soft, and Jaylin felt them shoot straight through him. “That could be you, too.”

“I-I don’t know where I’d even start,” Jaylin managed. He was almost angry at how desperate he felt. How hopeful.

Hiro smiled at him. “Well hey, I guess that’s where I come in.”