Chapter 8 #2
Jaylin had his astronomy lab on Wednesday nights.
He liked astronomy lab, liked Professor Smythe’s teaching methods and learning about the stars, but they also spent a good amount of time outside looking at the sky, and Jaylin was always freezing by the time they headed back inside, warm coat or no.
Tonight was no different, and by the time lab was over, he was very ready to go home, take a hot shower, eat dinner, and collapse into bed.
His phone chimed just as they were getting dismissed at ten.
Jaylin flinched. Of course it was Brent’s chime.
He hurried out of class with his stuff and went to lean against the wall, pressing his phone to his ear as he played the text message.
I’ve sent Ernie to pick you up, his phone’s robot voice said as Jaylin’s heart sank. He should be arriving in a few minutes. Don’t keep him waiting, pet.
Jaylin clenched his fingers around his phone. He’d had his business law class earlier and had just finished astronomy and had been at campus almost all day, getting homework done in between his classes. He was tired and he hadn’t eaten since lunch and he had statistics tomorrow morning at nine.
And there was no telling how long Brent would want Jaylin to entertain him. No way to know what Brent would expect him to do.
Ok, Jaylin texted back, feeling numb.
He made himself push away from the wall. He needed to go outside and wait for Ernie’s car. He needed to not tie himself into knots worrying or panicking about what Brent might do to him. It didn’t matter, really, because he’d already agreed to this.
One thing at a time.
It’s worth it.
***
“These star charts are amazing,” Hiro said with naked admiration when Jaylin offered his journal up for inspection.
He’d been working on it for the better part of two weeks, and had figured that Hiro ought to see it, considering that Jaylin had done most of the star-gazing recorded in the journal while they had been together. “Your teacher’s going to love it.”
Jaylin ducked his head, embarrassed by how pleased Hiro’s enthusiasm made him feel. He couldn't deny that he had worked hard on his journal, but it felt silly to be praised for a school project.
“No, Jaylin, I mean it,” Hiro said. “This is art.”
Jaylin bit his lip, cheeks hot. He’d tried to make the charts look good, first for the grade, but then…
it had just been kind of fun. He’d always liked drawing—art class had been like the only class in school he hadn’t almost failed out of—but he hadn’t realized until he’d made his star charts how long it had been since he’d sat down and gotten creative.
He’d maybe made his star charts a little more detailed than his teacher was probably expecting, but he’d enjoyed himself.
It was really fucking nice to hear Hiro praise him for his silly drawings. “You really like it?”
“Of course I do,” Hiro said. Of course.
“Want me to make you one?” Jaylin asked, before he could think about how stupid it was to offer. Hiro had actual art on the walls in his house, of course he wouldn’t want—
“Really?” Hiro asked, looking delighted. Like Jaylin making him a star chart colored with highlighter was this incredible thing.
“I mean sure,” Jaylin stammered. “Yeah. If you want me to.”
“That’d be amazing,” Hiro said. “I’d love one.” His smile turned mischievous. “If you’re making another star chart, does that mean I get to stargaze with you again?”
Jaylin’s blush deepened. “I mean if you want. I’d, um, I’d like that.”
“So would I,” Hiro said. He didn’t reach out to touch Jaylin, but for a moment Jaylin wondered what would happen if Hiro would. How it would feel, to have Hiro’s fingers wrap around his own, or to feel the man’s warmth at Jaylin’s back. “Are you free this Friday night?”
“Oh, I…” The warm feeling doused quickly. “I have plans Friday,” Jaylin said, breaking eye contact. “I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay,” Hiro said easily. “Saturday or Sunday? I’m pretty open this weekend after the sun goes down.”
“Not out partying?” Jaylin asked, trying for teasing.
Hiro snorted. “If you think I’m the partying type after these last few weeks of listening to me go on about constellations, I might need to seriously reconsider our friendship.”
Friendship. Right. That’s what this was. Hiro was Jaylin’s friend.
It was okay, if they were friends. Then Jaylin wasn’t leading him on. Or expecting or hoping for anything else. Hiro was sweet to him, in a way Jaylin didn’t deserve, but it was something he didn't want to fight.
He just knew how badly he was flirting with danger. Jaylin had been able to keep Hiro in the dark about Brent, but it tasted more and more of dishonesty in a way that turned Jaylin’s stomach. And if Brent were to find out about Hiro…
For the most part Jaylin tried not to think about it, like he always did. He knew he was in over his head, but he wasn't yet in a place where he could afford to mess up with Brent. For all that he hated that he was lying to Hiro by omission, he couldn't make himself give Hiro up either.
At the end of the day, Jaylin knew he was being stupid and selfish.
In another life, maybe, he had his shit together.
Someone might have cared about him enough to make sure he’d gotten accommodations earlier on, so he didn’t struggle with school for years.
Maybe he’d even have a job he liked by now, one that let him be independent.
In another life, Jaylin wasn't a sugar baby to an asshole who got off on the fact that Jaylin was struggling. He’d be able to spend time with Hiro without guilt eating away at him.
Even if Hiro was just his friend, Jaylin felt like he was emotionally cheating on him somehow. He shouldn’t be spending time with Hiro, hungry for the man’s attention, while Brent lived in the back of Jaylin’s head.
But that wasn’t the life he had, so he had to live with the one he’d gotten.
At least everything else was going well
***
“You’ve been doing so much better in your classes recently,” Brent said after he’d made Jaylin show him the results of his last statistics test. Jaylin braced himself at the silken tone.
It might almost sound like approval coming from anyone else, but Jaylin knew better.
He wasn't going to like whatever came out of Brent’s mouth next.
“Yeah,” he tried. “I’ve been working hard.”
“Mm.” Brent played with a coil of Jaylin’s hair, winding the curls around his finger, and Jaylin managed not to shudder. “Maybe this means you don’t need those study sessions with Addison anymore.”
“Aditi,” Jaylin said automatically, mind racing. He didn't want to lose Saturday mornings with Aditi. Even if he hadn’t needed them as much for actual studying lately, Aditi was… Aditi was his friend. It wasn’t time Jaylin wanted to lose with her.
He didn't want this to be another thing Brent took away.
“Aditi’s pretty much the reason my grade is where it is,” Jaylin said in a rush. “I don’t–I don’t want to lose the help and then have my grades slip–”
“Oh, pet.” Brent sank his hand into Jaylin’s hair and tilted his face up, giving him a smirk. “You really can’t do it on your own, can you?”
Jaylin broke eye contact, biting his lip. He didn't have to pretend at shame. Not because Brent’s words were true, because Jaylin could do it on his own . He was good at math when he was able to do it his way. But this was what people like Brent thought of him.
What they’d always think of him.
“Oh well.” Brent sighed. “Certainly, we can’t waste my tuition by letting you fail basic college math.”
Fine. Jaylin would take it. Brent could think whatever he wanted about him. Jaylin just needed to keep getting by.
***
“Okay,” Hiro said after he and Jaylin had their drinks and pastries in front of them at the cafe. “You have to let me explain.”
“Explain what?” Jaylin asked dubiously.
Hiro grinned at him and held out a medium-ish flat box, wrapped in non-descript brown paper.
Jaylin took it, confused. It wasn’t very heavy. “What’s this?”
“See,” Hiro said, eyes twinkling. “First you open it, and then you let me explain.”
“Um, okay.” Jaylin obeyed, carefully peeling back the tape and removing the wrapping, to reveal a very colorful tin.
A 72-pencil pack prismacolor tin.
Jaylin stared at it.
Hiro rubbed the back of his neck. “I had a therapist suggest I try those meditative coloring books a while back. You know, those ones for adults with the teeny tiny squares?” He grinned ruefully.
“Turns out they drive me nuts. And so I’ve just had these sitting around collecting dust, and well, since you like to draw… ”
Jaylin still didn't know what to say.
“I’m sorry they’re not, like, artist grade or anything,” Hiro said, actually sounding apologetic. “I could get you those, if you wanted–”
“Hiro,” Jaylin cut him off, trying not to choke at the absurdity. “No–what? These are great. Thank you. I–”
Jaylin didn't have any art supplies at all. It never occurred to him to spare the cash for it. He sketched with regular old pens and pencils and, as Hiro knew, improvised with highlighter on occasion.
He swallowed back the feelings. “This is—really nice. Thank you.”
“Of course,” Hiro said. “I wasn’t sure if they’d be up to standards, because what do I know about art?
When I was buying them originally at the store I just asked one of the sale’s associates there what was good and she pointed out these, and in hindsight it might have been an upsell because what did I need seventy-two colored pencils for?
But I’m glad to give them to you.” His smile was bright and warm and everything about Hiro was so charming.
Jaylin didn’t know what to do in the face of it. “I hope you enjoy using them.”
“I’m sure I will,” Jaylin said, maybe hugging the tin to his chest the way he wanted to hug Hiro right now. “I’ve never had anything this nice. I don’t remember the last time I even used colored pencils. Thank you for thinking of me.”
“You’re welcome,” Hiro said. And then, quieter, “I like thinking of you. And I like thinking of things that’ll make you happy.”
Jaylin’s breath caught.
“You deserve nice things,” Hiro continued, still quiet as Jaylin hung on every word. He looked right at Jaylin, and his expression was soft, but it charged the air between them. “You deserve being happy.”
“I…” Jaylin wet his lips. “I am,” he said. “I’m—I’m a lot happier. Since meeting you.”
Hiro leaned forward. “Jaylin—”
The too-familiar chime of Jaylin’s phone was startling, like a dousing of icy water, and he saw Hiro’s lips tighten before Jaylin had to look away.
“Sorry,” Jaylin said, wishing desperately that he could just ignore it. It was eleven o’clock on Saturday morning. Brent had had Jaylin over for hours on Friday. What could he possibly want now? “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Hiro said quickly. The smile he gave Jaylin then was smaller. Hollow. “It’s okay if… something came up. It’s fine. Really.”
Filled with shame, Jaylin pulled his phone out of his pocket to check Brent’s text.