Chapter 11
Jaylin was up before his alarm went off, which was pretty typical of him when he was stressed about a deadline. Instead of huddling under the covers until his alarm blared, he set his jaw and got up, determined to power through the anxiety that had seeped into his bones.
He stumbled through pulling his clothes on, then headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash up.
After checking the time again, he decided to jump in the shower, just to try to feel more refreshed.
It was only a few minutes of soaping himself up and rinsing off, but it did make him feel better, even if he had to pull yesterday’s clothes on over damp skin.
He also liked the thought that by using Hiro’s soap, he maybe smelled like Hiro a little bit.
He caught sight of himself in the foggy bathroom mirror, ready to poke at his curls in despair because he didn’t have his products at Hiro’s yet so there wouldn’t be much he could do for them, but they actually looked a lot less unruly than they normally did in the morning after a night’s sleep.
Maybe the silk pillowcase really had done something. His heart squeezed thinking about it again. Thinking about Hiro’s thoughtfulness.
It was only fifteen after five when Jaylin emerged from the bathroom and crept into the kitchen.
He wasn't surprised to find it empty, and tried to not feel weird about being in Hiro’s space when Hiro wasn't around. Instead, he went to the cabinets to grab two mugs and went to figure out Hiro’s coffee maker.
By the time Hiro walked into the kitchen minutes later, Jaylin was carefully sipping on his own black coffee and Hiro’s mug was waiting on the counter for him.
Hiro gave him a grateful smile as he went to grab it, and Jaylin took a too-big gulp of hot coffee in response to how that smile made his insides flip-flop.
Hiro’s hair was just-rolled-out-of-bed messy, sticking up at odd angles, and he was wearing a pair of plain gray sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt.
The picture of him leaning against his counter sipping coffee Jaylin made was ridiculously endearing and cozy.
Is this what it could be like? Jaylin wondered.
If he were able to actually have a real relationship like a real person.
If he were good enough for Hiro, was this what mornings could be like?
Calm and quiet, full of sleepy smiles? None of the sick feeling that followed unwanted touches, or heart-pounding anxiety from being kept from something he needed to do, or the mix of nausea-fury from discovering more marks on his body that he didn’t want?
It was a little infuriating to realize just how much Brent had gotten under his skin in the months they’d had their arrangement. To realize all the ways he’d made Jaylin’s life difficult on purpose, amusing himself by stepping on someone who was already covered in footprints.
“Hey,” Hiro said, breaking the silence. His voice was rough with sleep. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Jaylin said. “Just thinking.”
Hiro nodded and leaned back against the counter, sipping his coffee. He didn't ask what Jaylin was thinking about, and Jaylin was grateful for it. It made him want to talk.
“I just…” Jaylin took a breath. “I haven’t really thought about it, you know? How hard things were. They just were. I had to do it on my own and no one was going to help me, and I had to deal with it, so I did.”
Hiro looked like he actually understood. “That’s what surviving is.”
“Yeah,” Jaylin said, gaze dropping to the floor.
“It’s just… it’s hard to look back at everything and see how it could’ve been all along.
If someone gave a shit sooner, you know?
Then maybe I wouldn’t have had to deal with him at all.
I wouldn’t have–have spent the last eight months jumping everytime my phone went off, or feeling sick about having to limp to class, or–” the words wouldn't stop, thoughts he refused to even admit to himself, much less say out loud. How much of his life he’d spent eaten up by anxious terror, how often he’d clenched his teeth and taken it.
“I wouldn’t be imposing on you either,” he added quietly, because that was a fear too. That he had taken so much from Hiro.
“First of all,” Hiro said, setting his mug down on the counter.
“You’re not an imposition. I’m glad and grateful to be able to help you.
And I know that’s probably difficult for you to even hear, much less actually believe, but I mean it every time I say it, and I’ll keep saying it until you do believe me. ”
“Second–” Hiro took a step toward Jaylin before stilling and moving back to lean against the counter again, fixing Jaylin with a piercing look.
“Second, this guy is a piece of fucking shit. I can’t even tell you how much I hate him and hate what he was putting you through, but you didn’t deserve any of it.
You don’t deserve to be hurt, you don’t deserve to struggle or suffer, and you don’t deserve to feel bad or feel guilty for hurting. ”
Hiro exhaled slowly, posture relaxing, and Jaylin couldn't look away. “You deserve kindness without having to pay for it. You deserve your dreams and countless opportunities and the chance to thrive. And I’m so, so sorry that it’s taken so long for you to catch a break.”
Jaylin blinked hard, the intensity of the moment forcing him to break eye contact as his emotions roiled inside of him. The idea that Hiro, who was so good, so kind, thought someone like Jaylin deserved so much was overwhelming. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. “How are you even real?”
Hiro gave him a lopsided smile. “You’re the smartest, hardest working, most dedicated person I’ve ever met.
You’ve given so much time to your friends, to me , even while you’ve been suffering.
You made me a star chart just because I thought it was pretty.
You’re thoughtful and generous with your time and energy, even though I know it costs you.
You’ve got a heart of gold, Jaylin. I could ask you the same thing. ”
It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him, possibly ever. Butterflies bloomed in Jaylin’s belly as his face went hot. For the second time in two minutes, Jaylin blinked back tears. He didn't know what to do in the face of Hiro’s sincerity.
Hiro picked up his coffee again, knocked it back like a barbarian, and went to put his mug in the dishwasher. “C’mon,” he said, not unkindly. “We’ve got a lot to do today and I want to make sure you eat breakfast before we get to work.”
***
They were parking in front of Jaylin’s building by quarter to seven, with a bunch of collapsed cardboard boxes, a couple rolls of tape, a ton of garbage bags, and a pack of sharpies–all of which Hiro had insisted on paying for.
On the drive over, they’d gone over their game plan, which was mostly, “box up everything, and leave the rest for cleanup.” Hiro had been viciously insistent about making sure Jaylin didn’t do any extra cleaning or anything, once he’d discovered Jaylin’s name wasn’t on the lease.
“Mr. Asshole McShithead can suck it up not getting his deposit back,” he’d said viciously.
It had made Jaylin laugh for the first time since midterms week had started. Even more so because Hiro didn't know he was talking about Brent, the rival, sleazeball lawyer who hated Hiro’s guts.
If Jaylin weren’t so determined to keep the fact that it was Brent under wraps, he’d share the joke.
But he couldn’t tell Hiro the full picture about who Brent was.
It was one thing for Jaylin to be bending over for a faceless sugar daddy.
It was something else to give him a name.
Hiro knew Brent. Knew exactly what he was like.
Knew exactly the kind of man Jaylin had been selling himself to.
Jaylin wasn’t ready for that reveal yet.
As it was, a vindictive part of him was relieved to not be expected to leave his place spic and span and ready for the next renter. Would that eat the deposit? Probably. But Jaylin didn't have to care.
“Where do you want to start?” Hiro asked, once they were inside Jaylin’s apartment.
It struck Jaylin that even though he had been hanging out with Hiro for weeks now, this was the first time he’d been inside Jaylin’s apartment.
They’d pretty much been spending all their time at Hiro’s place.
Hiro had always been quick to offer it up, but always with the caveat of, “if you want to.”
For the first time, Jaylin wondered if maybe that was because Hiro had suspected Jaylin’s own place wasn’t… safe.
He took a deep breath. He guessed Hiro hadn’t been wrong.
Jaylin looked around. His apartment wasn't very big and it wasn't very full, but it still seemed daunting to get it all packed up in a day. “I guess we should start with my school stuff and clothes? Try to get it all together and labeled and everything, since that’s most important.”
“Sounds good to me,” Hiro said, crouching down to start taping boxes together. He grinned up at Jaylin. “Don’t worry. We got this.”
Jaylin tried to smile back, tried not to let the ever-present anxiety creep too far in, and fairly leapt out of his skin when there was a knock on his front door.
Terror crashed through him. Brent was here. He’d come early or Jaylin had gotten the date wrong, and whichever it was, Brent or Ernie was outside expecting Jaylin to open up and–
Hiro came closer to him, hands out but not touching. “It’s okay,” he said firmly. “You don’t have to answer that. Or I could check–”
Jaylin’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and Jaylin heard himself make a horrible sound, automatically grabbing it before he realized–
It wasn’t Brent’s ringtone.
“Hello?” Jaylin asked, pressing the phone to his ear. He couldn’t register the name flashing on the screen, too anxious to try to read it, but he couldn’t imagine who might be calling him at seven on a Friday morning. At least his voice didn’t tremble too much.