2. Jasper Holmes
2
JASPER HOLMES
J asper Holmes unlocked his front door and went inside, keen to warm up after doing the school run on the chilly February morning. The sound of claws on wooden floorboards almost made him groan because he knew it meant he had to head back out into the cold again. But then he couldn’t be annoyed with his best friend in the whole world, now, could he?
‘Hello, Wiggy. Decided to get up, have you?’ He crouched down as his chocolate Labrador trotted towards him, tail wagging so hard that his entire bottom moved with it.
Wiggy, possibly the daftest dog in the world, showered Jasper with doggy kisses. Jasper chuckled despite the fact that Wiggy’s breath smelt of the tuna and chicken food he’d consumed for breakfast.
Once Wiggy had finished his enthusiastic greeting, Jasper led the way to the kitchen, where he filled a glass with water from the tap and drank it down. His eyes were drawn to the kitchen window that overlooked the rear garden with its breathtaking view of the coastline. The housing development where Jasper lived with his two children, seven-year-old Mabel, and five-year-old Alfie, had a view that Jasper knew he sometimes failed to appreciate fully. Of course, there were reasons he failed to appreciate it, reasons he suspected most people would understand. Even though he had so much to be grateful for, he often felt like he was living a half-life. Not that he didn’t adore his children, because he did with his whole heart, but he no longer felt complete. Jasper would do anything for his children, but the one thing he couldn’t do was give them their mum back. And this was a source of utter heartbreak for him, because raising two young children without their mum present was incredibly challenging. Jasper loved being a dad, absolutely loved it, but he wished his children had their mum with her loving heart, her beautiful smile, her warm hugs, and the laugh that lit up every room she entered.
Jasper and his wife, Kimberley, had chosen the house together . They had decided to move to the small Cornish fishing village together . And when they had done so four years ago, their hearts had been filled with joy about the life they were about to embark upon with their two children. They had spent years saving, scrimping, doing without expensive nights out and other luxuries, in order to save enough so they could buy their dream house in their dream location. The problem with dreams was that people could spend a long time nurturing them, a long time believing that those dreams were exactly what they wanted, and during that time they could well be ignoring what they already had. Jasper knew now that he had once had everything . Everything he had wanted. Everything he had needed. But he had wished away precious times when, in fact, he should have been treasuring them. How could Jasper move on, how could he embrace life fully, when he felt so guilty for taking for granted the time he’d had with his beautiful wife? He had outlived her, had held her in his arms as the life flowed slowly from her, and he would have given anything, anything at all, to have taken her place. His wife had been his entire world; the reason he did everything from getting up in the morning to working hard, to putting out the bins and to learning how to make nutritious new meals. Without Kimberley around, none of it felt like he was making a difference.
‘Come on Wiggy,’ he said. ‘Let’s get you out for your morning walk, then we can come home, make coffee and I’ll get to work.’
Thank goodness for his job, he thought, as he strapped the dog into his harness and clipped on the lead. He grabbed a roll of poo bags from the cupboard in the hallway and tucked them into his pocket. His job gave him a purpose when his children were at school. As a tech entrepreneur helping businesses thrive, his work fully absorbed his mind, leaving no time for dwelling, grieving, or pain. In fact, some days it meant that the hours flew by and he would look at the clock in surprise. As a result, he had long ago come to the conclusion that it would be best for him if he set an alarm to remind him it would soon be time to collect the children from school. He ended up setting two alarms, one to remind him to stretch his legs, and one to remind him to get ready to collect the children.
Wiggy often declined to join him on the morning school run, preferring to stay in his comfortable bed near the log burner in the lounge, but he tended to enjoy an afternoon stroll to the school to collect the children. And in typical rescue dog fashion, Wiggy adored his humans. The dog was four, but he had only been with Jasper for two years. Jasper had decided to adopt a rescue dog after seeing yet another heart-breaking charity advert on television. He’d been aware there was a rescue centre not far from the village, based at one of the local farms, but he hadn’t ever been there before. His wife had always talked of adopting a rescue dog, but it was one of those things they’d never got around to because they’d been so busy saving and so focused on moving. For Jasper, this was another reason he wished he’d done it sooner. Kimberley would have loved Wiggy. Jasper could imagine them together, snuggling, walking, and playing. He could imagine the dog following his wife around the house, tripping her up as she made scrambled eggs, sniffing at her feet when she returned from work, food shopping or taking the children to school. Jasper knew Wiggy would have been his wife’s shadow, and that was something that broke his heart. And yet, it was as if Wiggy had come into Jasper’s life at the right time, at the point when he was destined to be adopted. At the point when Jasper needed to be saved.
Jasper had been struggling for a year after losing his wife. He’d been going through the motions, getting up in the morning, feeding the children, taking them to school, coming home, turning on his computer and working. He’d lost a lot of weight as he grieved, and it was only when his stomach rumbled or when he felt faint from low blood sugar that he actually remembered to eat. One day, he’d been sitting on the sofa sipping a mug of coffee, when the advert for one of the dog rescue charities had come on TV. He saw the faces of the abandoned and mistreated dogs looking for new families. It had triggered something inside him that had made him decide, on the spot, that he needed to adopt a dog. Following contact with the rescue centre, he went there the next day. He’d gone without the children, of course, because if he’d taken them along, he’d have come home with ten dogs. He also knew the children would have wanted to bring the dog home immediately, and that wasn’t possible because there were procedures in place to protect the animals and the prospective owners. And so Jasper had gone through the process of filling in the application form, meeting the dogs available and having a home check. The latter had involved a very nice lady visiting his home, checking out the garden and asking some questions. During the process, as soon as Jasper met Wiggy, he had fallen in love with the dog and known that he wanted to bring him home. There was something in Wiggy’s eyes that echoed something Jasper felt in his heart, and he knew the Lab was the right dog for his family. Once the children and Wiggy had met and it was clear that all involved were happy with the decision, Wiggy came home and settled into his new life. Jasper would not have it any other way now because the dog had brought love, loyalty, laughter, snuggles, and the comfort and security that Jasper had been craving. The best part about this for Jasper, though, was knowing he had provided the same for Wiggy. He knew this because of the way Wiggy followed him around, the way he wagged his tail so hard his entire body swayed, and also because of how well Wiggy had settled into his new life. It was like Wiggy had always been a part of their family and Jasper couldn’t imagine life without him.
Now, Jasper let them out of the front door and pulled it shut behind him. They set off along the pavement towards the end of the development and through the gate that led to the coastal path. The proximity to the beach and the coastal path were some of the things that had attracted him and Kimberley to the location in South Cornwall. What better place to live and raise two children than somewhere so close to the sea? Being able to get up every day and breathe in the fresh sea air, to head to the coastal path and drink in the gorgeous views of the Cornish coast, to stroll down to the beach and paddle in the clear waters of the sea were all reasons enough to spend the extra money required to secure the incredible four-bedroom property.
As they walked, Wiggy wagged his tail and raised his nose into the air, making Jasper laugh. He never tired of wondering what the dog could smell. Was it the salt of the ocean? The fish beneath the surface? The birds that soared and swooped above the water? Did he smell the small animals that nested in the grass on the sides of the coastal path, beneath the earth, or in the fields that spread inland? Did he smell the fuel of an ocean liner or a fishing boat, or even someone’s breakfast bacon frying in a pan? Jasper suspected it was a combination of all these things and he almost envied Wiggy’s ability to enjoy all these scents. Almost, because he knew it would send him into sensory overdrive.
Jasper breathed in deeply and exhaled fully, filling his lungs and then forcing out the air as he envisioned himself being cleansed from within. He knew that being able to control his breathing was important. It helped him feel in control of himself and of the anxiety. Of course, it didn’t always work, because sometimes the anxiety rose like a tidal wave that threatened to drown him. It was usually worse in the small hours of the morning, in the time between darkness and dawn, before the birds began to sing, and when the house lay quiet. At those times, he felt more alone than ever. His heart would race in his chest and sometimes he would feel like he couldn’t swallow. He had found that the best thing to do was get up and drink a glass of water, wash his face with freezing cold water from the tap, and move his body. He had practised mindfulness for years, but since he had lost his wife, he had become reliant upon it to remain sane. The panic would pass, as it always did, and he would feel calm once more. Not free from pain, not free from grief, not free from being aware of how his life had changed, but knowing that the panic, the anxiety and the all-consuming loneliness would pass. Dawn would come, bringing with it sweet bird song, the brightening of the sky, and a new day in which he would strive to be the best father possible, the best dog dad possible, and the best form of himself that he could be.
The anger though... He didn’t know if he would ever fully master the anger because the anger kept him going, the anger was perhaps the hardest thing of all to become master of. How could he not be angry when his wife had been stolen away from him by someone choosing to be careless, choosing to live dangerously, choosing to ignore the fact that they could cause harm to others and steal away the woman who was one little family’s entire world?
When the coastal path opened out, Jasper unclipped Wiggy’s lead from his harness and let the dog jog on ahead. Wiggy never went far; he always kept Jasper in his sights, but he liked to explore a little without the restriction of the lead. Jasper never let Wiggy off on the areas of the path where it wasn’t safe, when there were other people around, or other dogs, unless he had checked the dogs were sociable. But with it being a chilly February morning, it seemed the perfect time for Wiggy to have a little freedom to stretch his legs.
Jasper breathed in deeply again and exhaled, tasting the salt on his lips from the wind. This time of year, the scenery was rugged and on the path ahead, tufts of sharp grass grew out from between the rocks, but he knew that a variety of colourful plants would soon awaken after the winter. Despite his grief, Jasper sometimes felt like he was emerging from the darkness, albeit slowly and not in a linear fashion. There were moments when he felt as if the sunlight could warm him enough that he might live fully again, but these moments were far apart. Perhaps he would be stuck in an eternal spring, where he occasionally emerged from the winter of grief, but never enough to move into summer.
Jasper laughed out loud. His erratic mind sometimes alarmed, sometimes amused him with its frantic search for solutions. It was like his brain was still trying to make sense of what had happened and to find a way to process it, but perhaps the easiest way of dealing with the pain of grief was denial. It was easy to deny what had happened and sometimes he could do this, but then reality was impossible to escape and every time he returned home, it was clear as day that his wife was gone.
‘Wiggy!’ he called, and the dog stopped walking. ‘Sit!’
Jasper caught up with the dog and gave his ears a rub, then he clipped the lead to his harness. ‘I’m thinking we should head on home now and get a warm drink and a snack before I get on with some work. How does that sound to you?’
Wiggy gave a little bark and swept his long furry tail in wide arcs that let Jasper know his suggestion had Wiggy’s approval. They turned around and retraced their steps, while the cold February winds whisked grey clouds across the sky like ships across the sea, and seagulls screeched as they swooped down to the water’s surface. The water that was constantly moving, the tide caught in a perpetual ebb and flow, much like his grief.
Whatever happened in Jasper’s life, he knew that the world would go on. Human beings were only present for a very brief time, and so it was important that they strove to make the most of that time. Jasper’s wife had lived that way, and he knew it was her wish for him and their children.
Somehow, Jasper had to be OK with that.
Somehow, Jasper had to keep on keeping on…