13. Jasper
13
JASPER
W hen Jasper asked his children what they wanted to do Saturday morning, and they replied that they wanted to walk the dog on the beach and then have breakfast at the café, he was secretly delighted. Granted, he had been there a bit more often in the past fortnight than normal, but he’d told himself it was good to get out and work somewhere else. His daily routine had still involved taking the children to school, walking Wiggy and sorting some chores before school pickup, but being able to head to the café and have a coffee and an almond croissant or a bacon roll was something to look forward to. He told himself it was because it broke up his day and that had to be good for his mental health, but he knew there was more to it. He liked seeing Ellie’s lovely smile. Had he not known her, he wouldn’t have been surprised to discover she was Pearl’s granddaughter. The kindness and warmth must run through the family as they were both very easy to be around. Of course, there was no denying that Ellie was a very beautiful woman, but for Jasper, that wasn’t relevant. He wasn’t interested in getting to know her because of that, but because of how he felt when he was around her. He was also curious about why she’d suddenly returned to the village and if she would stay there. They hadn’t even had a proper conversation yet, but Jasper had found that he became shy in her presence, a bit like an awkward teenager who couldn’t speak to girls. But in this case, he was a grown man, and he was struggling to speak to a woman without blushing or stuttering. He hadn’t experienced that in a very long time, not since he first met Kimberley and was overwhelmed by her beauty and intelligence. It had taken him by surprise how much he’d fallen for her back then and he’d known she was the woman he wanted to spend his life with. But now … He was a single dad with two young children heading to The Garden Café for some Saturday morning breakfast and looking forward to seeing the lovely young woman who worked there.
‘Come on then,’ he said to Mabel and Alfie as he pushed open the door of the café and held it for them.
The children saw that their favourite table was free, so they went to sit down. Jasper went to the counter to order what they’d requested during their walk there. He waited while the woman in front of him was served, then smiled at Pearl.
‘Morning, Jasper.’ Pearl was wearing a pink bandana tied around her head so that her hair was held back from her face apart from a few strands that curled over her forehead. Her hazel eyes scanned Jasper’s face in the way that always made him feel seen.
‘Morning, Pearl.’
‘And how are you this fine morning?’ she asked.
‘It’s lovely out. We’ve had a walk to blow off the cobwebs and dropped Wiggy at home before heading over here.’
‘It’s such a beautiful spring day, isn’t it?’ Pearl looked over at the front of the café where the large windows made the most of the view of the gardens.
‘It’s lovely now that spring has arrived. That felt like a long winter.’ He shuddered without meaning to.
‘Sometimes the winter can seem to last forever.’ She nodded thoughtfully. ‘But spring will always return. I’ve been around for a long time and that’s something I’ve learnt along the way. Whatever happens and however long it feels cold, you’ll always feel the warmth of the sunlight on your face again.’
She held his gaze, and he wondered if she was still talking about the weather and the seasons or if there was a deeper meaning behind her words.
‘I hope so, Pearl,’ he said. For him, it had been a long winter. A three-year-long winter in fact and in previous springs, he’d tried to feel alive and to appreciate the beauty around him, but he hadn’t always been able to be present enough. This year, though, for the first time, he felt like he was emerging from winter and wondered if there was a chance that he was starting to heal. That thought was both comforting and terrifying because he felt guilty about the idea of being able to move on and heal when his beautiful wife was no longer there.
‘It’s OK, Jasper. It’s OK to savour the sunlight and the feel of the wind in your hair, to enjoy coffee and your favourite foods. And I don’t mean just putting the latter in your mouth in some sort of reflex action, I mean really savouring them. Grief steals so much from us. For a long time after I lost my husband, I couldn’t enjoy anything. Except for being with Ellie and that was because it was impossible not to feel alive around that child. But I could barely eat. I walked around like a zombie and just went through the motions. Then, one day, about eighteen months after he’d gone, I was walking along the beach and I had the urge to go for a dip. So I did. It was only April and still quite cold some days, but I stripped down to my undies and ran straight in.’
‘You didn’t!’ Jasper laughed, the thought of Pearl almost skinny dipping on the public beach hilarious. How could she be so brave?
‘I wanted to feel alive. And there’s nothing like bloody cold water to do exactly that. When I emerged from the sea, I was red all over and shaking like a leaf but I felt alive, I can tell you that much.’
Ellie appeared behind Pearl and stopped to listen. ‘Are you telling the story about swimming in your underwear, Gran?’ she asked, a smile playing across her pretty lips.
‘I am, darling. It was a turning point for me. I couldn’t keep going the way I had been, and it was time for me to move forwards. My husband wouldn’t have wanted me to wither away but to grab life with both hands and extract every ounce of joy from being here while I could.’ She tilted her head, then nodded. ‘Sorry, Jasper, you’ll have to excuse me. I just heard a timer going off?—’
‘Gran, there’s nothing in the oven.’ Ellie frowned.
‘Back in a mo!’ Pearl dashed into the kitchen, leaving Jasper alone with Ellie.
‘Sorry about that.’ She worried her full bottom lip. ‘Gran tells it like it is, doesn’t she?’
‘I like how direct she can be and how she’s not afraid to talk about things. Lots of people are and it’s easier when they’re open.’
‘I find that, too. I hate trying to guess where I am with people.’ She smiled and a faint blush appeared in her cheeks. It made her eyes seem even greener and Jasper thought of rolling hills and summer fields, of picnics in parks with strawberries and champagne and snoozing on blankets under trees.
He shook himself. What the hell was that?
‘What can I get you?’ Ellie asked.
Jasper was in the middle of giving her his order when he felt a tugging at the sleeve of his jumper.
‘Daddy!’ It was Alfie.
‘Yes?’
‘Daddy, can I go and visit the chickens? I want to see Chris Hensworth and hear him crowing.’
‘Alfie, don’t forget what we talked about. When Daddy is speaking to someone, try not to interrupt.’
‘Sorry, Daddy!’ Alfie put a small hand over his mouth, then removed it. ‘I am very sorry.’
‘We’re going to have breakfast first and then maybe you can see the chickens before we leave.’ He looked up at Ellie who was smiling at Alfie.
‘You certainly can go and see them. I could take you if you like?’
‘No, it’s fine. You’re working and…’ Jasper leant over the counter, then whispered, ‘I worry if you took him out now you wouldn’t get him back inside. And you’re busy, anyway.’
‘No problem.’ Ellie grinned, exposing small straight white teeth. Could she be any cuter? ‘Perhaps later, then,’ she said to Alfie who nodded excitedly.
‘I asked Daddy to get a cockerel so it would crow and crow and tell us when it’s time to get up.’
‘They crow all the time though, Alfie, not just when it’s morning,’ Jasper said and Ellie giggled.
‘They do,’ Ellie agreed. ‘They can be quite noisy and annoy your neighbours, so it’s best to only have a cockerel if you have the room for it. But you are welcome here anytime to visit Chris Hensworth.’
‘Thank you, Ellie,’ Alfie said.
‘It’s no problem.’ She turned to get their drinks and Jasper leant over and said to Alfie, ‘Go sit with Mabel and I’ll be over in a minute.’
‘Yes, Daddy.’
He watched his son walk over to the table and sit on the sofa next to his sister then she reached over and tickled him under the chin. He scrunched up his face and laughed, so she did it again and Jasper sighed. Now they’d get all hot and bothered and he’d have to calm them down enough to eat their breakfast.
‘They’re so cute,’ Ellie said when he turned back to the counter.
‘Thanks. They’re wonderful, but they can be … a-a handful.’ He gave a small laugh. ‘I love them to bits, but they do test my patience some days. I take a lot of deep breaths. Single parenting can be challenging.’
‘I can only imagine.’ Ellie looked over at the children again and then met Jasper’s gaze. ‘It’s amazing how you manage.’ Her eyes widened, and she shook her head. ‘I’m so sorry. That came out wrong and sounded patronising. I didn’t mean it like that. What I meant was that being a parent must be hard, so being a single parent, well … you’ve got to do it all alone. It wasn’t because you’re a man and I don’t think men can manage as well as women. Of course not! I—’ She placed her hands on her flaming cheeks and sighed. ‘Jasper… I’m sorry … I do this when I’m nervous. I’m babbling and I say things that can come across wrong and…’ She smiled. ‘I think you’re a great dad.’
‘Thanks. And I wasn’t at all offended. I understand what you’re saying. It is hard whatever your gender and some days I get downright exhausted. When Kimberley first passed away, I had help from my parents, but then they had to go home and I had to learn how to manage alone. I find that a routine helps me stay organised, as does the fact that the children are amazing. They look out for each other even though they’re so young and they listen to me … most of the time.’
‘They’re very polite and sweet and it’s a pleasure to have them in the café.’
‘Thank you.’ He got his wallet out of his pocket and paid for his order.
‘Where’s Wiggy today?’ she asked, peering over the counter as if expecting to see him at Jasper’s side.
‘Oh he’s at home. We walked him, then took him home and washed the sand off. He was snoring in a pool of sunlight in front of the bifold doors when we left.’
‘It’s a good name, Wiggy.’
‘It’s actually short for Wigglebutt.’
‘Wigglebutt!’ Ellie threw back her head and laughed, and her face lit up. ‘I love it!’
‘His butt just wiggles and wiggles.’ Jasper shrugged.
‘It’s brilliant and I can totally see what you mean.’ She looked behind him and Jasper turned to see another customer.
‘I’d better let you get back to work,’ he said.
‘When you’ve finished your breakfasts, give me a shout and I’ll come around the back to see the chickens with you. I like making a fuss of them too. They’re such friendly little things.’
‘That would be great.’ Jasper carried the tray of drinks over the table and put it down. His heart was beating faster than usual and he found he was smiling to himself.
‘What are you smiling about, Daddy?’ Mabel asked.
‘Me?’
‘Yes, I don’t have another daddy, silly,’ she said.
‘Don’t be cheeky.’ He shook his head, but he was still smiling. ‘And I’m smiling because I’m happy.’
‘That’s good, Daddy,’ she said. ‘I like it when you’re happy.’
‘Me too,’ Jasper said, realising that it was true.
‘Can we go and see the chickens?’ Alfie asked, his earlier request not forgotten. His fascination with the birds meant that most visits to the café included a walk around the gardens to see them. Mabel liked them, but she also enjoyed taking seed for the squirrels and the wild birds that visited the gardens.
‘Yes, we can, but first … breakfast!’ Jasper said as he sat down opposite his children.
‘We should bring Wiggy next time,’ Alfie said. ‘He likes the chickens.’
‘Perhaps.’ Jasper nodded.
Because dogs were allowed inside, Jasper sometimes brought Wiggy to the café. However, Wiggy tended to get incredibly excited when he spotted a squirrel. If he saw one before they went in, he would press his nose against the window, panting and smearing the glass as he scanned the gardens. And when he spotted a squirrel… it always led to chaos because he’d start to whimper and scratch at the door, desperate to get outside and give chase. So, this morning, Wiggy had been walked on the beach, had a paddle in the sea then been taken home for a snooze while Jasper and the children went for what he hoped would be a relaxing breakfast.
While they ate, Jasper thought about what Pearl and Ellie had said. It was good to be around people and it was good to talk. He realised he was feeling happy. Not just marginally so, but very much so. It might only be temporary, but it was there. He would try to hold the feeling in his heart because despite the sadness, the grief and the awareness of what he had lost, the happiness glowed there like a candle in the dark.