17. Jasper
17
JASPER
J asper paused outside his front door, needing a moment before he went inside. He’d walked home with Ellie after yoga and his mind was filled with thoughts of how much he liked her, his heart was filled with yearning and he was incredibly confused. The confusion that clouded his thoughts seemed to weigh heavily on his shoulders, causing tension to creep into his muscles. His neck felt stiff and tight. It was as if his body was mirroring the internal battle he was waging between logic and emotion. How could he like Ellie so much when he’d only known her a few weeks? How could he even be thinking like this at all when he still loved his wife?
Instead of going straight inside, he turned and walked to the end of the development, then marched along the coastal path for a bit. Gazing out at the water, he focused on the reflection of the moon on its surface. Silver. Bright. Beautiful. He just needed a few moments to clear his head, and then all would be well.
Yoga had been fun, especially when the puppies had been introduced to the group. He knew that when he got home, though, Wiggy was going to sniff him all over and be furious that his dad had been with another dog and not taken him. He’d thought about taking Wiggy to the local residential home to visit the residents because he knew other people whose dogs were welcome visitors there. Dogs could bring so much joy and he knew Wiggy could brighten his day, so why not that of other people? The main issue with it, as far as he could predict, would be that Wiggy might consume too many treats and put weight on. Chocolate Labs could be notoriously greedy and Wiggy was no exception.
He stopped walking and folded his arms as he looked around him. The coastal path was beautiful even at night, and he knew how lucky he was to be able to access it from his street. Breathing deeply, he felt shivers run down his spine. The past few weeks had been strange and yet wonderful. Like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon, he was changing. It had been a slow process and at times a frustrating one, but to see the world around him with fresh eyes was amazing. Before he’d lost Kimberley, he’d heard other people talk about grief and how it changed their lives, that it took as long as it took to feel more positive about life again. But he’d seen it as something that happened to other people and not thought it would happen to him. Sure, everyone expected to lose grandparents and parents, but no one expected to lose their partner so young. It just wasn’t how things were meant to be. And then there was the permanency of death: once you were gone, there was no coming back. How utterly heart-breaking possessing that knowledge was.
And the guilt … The guilt was crippling. Not just the survivor guilt that he was still there and his wife was not, that was bad enough, but the guilt that he’d wished to go too. He’d begged the universe to take him in the days and weeks after he’d lost Kimberley. The thought of trying to live without her, trying to exist without the woman who had filled his heart, mind, and body with vigour and joy had been unbearable. How could he possibly go on without her? He had even considered how he could leave this life to be with her. But then it had hit him over and over like the agony of a broken bone, that if something happened to him, his children, Kimberley’s children, would be alone in the world. How dreadful a thought that had been. Yes, his parents would probably have taken the little ones in, but they were ageing, they had their own lives and things they still wanted to do and … He rubbed at his eyes now, shook himself because the darkness was hovering over him like a cloud. If he had gone too, then what would his children have thought? Losing both parents in such a short space of time would have been awful for them.
Whatever happened, Jasper had to be there for his children and to stay strong, fit and healthy for them. He would guide them into adulthood for their sake and for Kimberley’s. It was what she would have wanted and even if he had to suffer the pain of his loss on a daily basis, their children would not have to lose him, too.
And now, looking back, he could see the strength he had shown in accepting that he had to be there for Mabel and Alfie. He had kept going for them. It hadn’t been easy, and some days had broken him over and over again, but he’d got through and emerged the next day and the day after that. Before he knew it, a year had passed, then another, and now it had been three years and he was still here.
Still living with pain and grief, but they were no longer as sharp. He had grown around the grief as he had come to terms with it, and recently been able to see that there was still a life to be lived. It was a different life and one in which he would always miss Kimberley, but it was a life, nonetheless. He lived for his children. And he lived for Wiggy.
He was, he realised, as he turned and walked home, also glad to be there. People had told him after he’d lost Kimberley that he should reach out and ask for help if he felt it was all too much for him, but he had found that difficult. How could you confess your innermost darkness to others? He’d never been an over-sharer, it just wasn’t his style. The thought of telling others that he could barely get out of bed in the morning and that he felt utterly broken wasn’t something he was comfortable with. The strange thing about it was that people just seemed to know, even though he hadn’t told them. Pearl, for instance, would hold his gaze and communicate her understanding with her eyes in a way that helped. She wasn’t able to comfort him by taking away his pain, but being understood had helped, even if just a tiny bit. A hand on his shoulder, a fresh cup of coffee when he was working on his laptop at the café, a kind smile, and a kind word… The power of these things was not to be underestimated. Add to that, a walk on the beach, a swim in the sea, a good meal and, more recently, a beer with friends and Jasper counted himself lucky. He was surrounded by people and things that had helped him to get through the days. Alone, these things didn’t seem to make much difference, but like pennies in a jar, they added up. One penny wouldn’t make a difference to someone’s finances but a jar full would do and it was the same with positive actions. The pennies wouldn’t pay off his mortgage just like a walk or a good cup of coffee wouldn’t heal his grief, but they would help. Bit by bit, he would heal and grow stronger again.
He let himself into his home and removed his trainers, then crouched down as a sleepy Wiggy came to greet him. Wiggy wagged his lovely tail, then his ears perked up as he smelt the puppies on Jasper. He subjected Jasper to a full sniff search from top to toe, his nose tickling and making him laugh.
‘There you are,’ his mum said as she descended the stairs. ‘We were wondering where you’d got to, Jasper.’
‘Sorry … it went on for longer than expected and then I walked home with a friend.’
‘A friend?’ His mum smiled, her eyes widening slightly as her interest was piqued. He knew she’d love to know more. She’d asked him many times over the past three years to consider dating again. Just to get out there and see that there were other people in the world and other women who could also love him. He’d refused, of course, and he’d seen the sadness in her eyes. Because didn’t any loving parent want their child to be happy? To see them love and be loved? His dad had given him a man hug and whispered to him that all he needed to do was to tell his mum he was dating again, even if he wasn’t, just to stop her worrying so much. Jasper had felt angry that they were being so insensitive. Didn’t they understand how heartbroken he was and how the thought of dating sickened him? How would they have felt if they’d lost each other when their lives were just getting started? How would they have felt if…
But now he could see that they did understand, and they did sympathise and they did love him and want the best for him. Witnessing his heartbreak must have been dreadful for them, and they simply wanted for him to find some joy and some comfort.
‘Fancy a cuppa?’ he asked.
‘That would be lovely.’
They went through to the kitchen and she told him the children had gone to bed like little angels. She’d read them a story, then Jasper’s dad had read them a story and tucked them in. No sooner had Jasper’s parents come downstairs than they’d heard feet on the landing and tiptoeing down the stairs along with giggling. Jasper’s dad had gone to the hallway and scooped the children up, making them giggle harder. He’d taken them back upstairs and read them another story. When Jasper’s mum had crept up to check on him half an hour later, he’d been snoring away on Mabel’s bed with Mabel and Alfie on either side of him. The book had been open on his lap, his glasses still on his nose and the nightlight projecting a galaxy of stars on the ceiling. Jasper’s mum had removed the book and his glasses, covered him and the children with a blanket, turned off the light, and closed the door. There would be no waking him now, she’d said, and Jasper knew she was right. Once his dad went to sleep, an earthquake wouldn’t wake him.
Sitting at the kitchen island with mugs of tea in front of them, Jasper’s mum said, ‘You’re not annoyed, are you?’
He met her blue eyes and frowned. ‘Why would I be annoyed?’
‘Well … the children were up a bit later than their usual routine and now your dad is sleeping in with them. I know you like to stick to their routines.’
‘Mum, I’m not annoyed at all. Routines have helped us all to manage, but Mable and Alfie don’t see you and Dad that often and so when you’re here, it should be a special time.’
‘Thank you.’ She pushed her bobbed blond hair behind her ears. It was the same colour as Jasper’s but dyed these days because she’d gone white some years ago. She was sixty-four and looked good. She walked and played golf and ate well. But looking at her now, Jasper couldn’t deny that time was passing. She had fine lines around her eyes and mouth, there were a few brown patches on her skin and the veins on her hands were more prominent than he remembered. While he’d been lost in his grief, life had been carrying on and his parents had been getting older. He hadn’t noticed, had viewed them the same way he always done, but he had to face the fact that time waited for no one. Life moved on and he should make the most of those he loved while they were still around. ‘It’s so lovely to spend time with you all.’
‘Same.’ He sipped his tea. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t said it before, but you’re very welcome to visit more often.’
His mum cupped her hands around her mug and licked her lips. ‘We … haven’t wanted to crowd you. We know how important it is for you to get on with things. After … after Kimberley passed away, we were here a lot, I know, and then that day you said… What you said… and we were so worried we’d been suffocating.’ She looked up from her mug and her eyes were glistening. ‘All we wanted was to help and to support you, but we were too much and we’re both so sorry for that.’
Jasper shook his head. ‘No, Mum, it was me who was in the wrong. I shouldn’t have snapped like that.’
He had tried not to think about how he’d behaved and what he’d said because beating himself up about it hadn’t helped him at all, but he had been in the wrong.
‘Jasper, darling, you were consumed with shock and grief. We weren’t offended when you told us you needed some space and asked us to stop suffocating you. It was perfectly understandable because we were here a lot .’
‘I needed you both, but I didn’t know how to tell you that. I lost my mind for a while there, Mum.’
‘I know, Jasper, and it’s not surprising that you did. But never beat yourself up for that because you’d just lost the woman you loved and yet you were holding everything together. You are strong and resilient and you have done incredibly well. We are very proud of you and we love you so much.’
Jasper reached out a hand across the island and his mum squeezed it.
‘Thanks, Mum. I love you guys too. It’s not always easy for me to tell you. I should be better at it, really. After all, I know all too well that if you don’t say something today, then it could be too late tomorrow. I’ll try to tell you more often how much you both mean to me.’
‘We already know.’ His mum’s voice was soft, and he held her hand tighter, ran his thumb over the veins and the soft skin that would smell of magnolia hand cream the way it always had. Her hands had smoothed his fevered brow when he’d been unwell as a child, had cleaned up cuts and stuck plasters to his cut knees when he had fallen. These hands had supported him as he trembled at the funeral, feeling like he would topple over with the agony of his emotions. His mum had been there for him and loved him with her whole heart, and that was what he had needed. He just hadn’t always appreciated it as much as he should have done. That would change now and he would do what he could to show her how much he adored her and his dad.
‘Yoga was good this evening,’ he said, wanting to reassure her that he was feeling better.
‘I’m so glad, darling.’
‘They had puppies there.’
His mum laughed. ‘Which is why Wiggy subjected you to a thorough sniffing when you got back.’
‘Yes.’ Jasper laughed. ‘He would have loved it.’
‘I’m sure he would. Perhaps you can take him next time.’
‘It’s an idea.’ Jasper could picture Wiggy roaming around sniffing people, perhaps sticking his nose in someone’s bottom when they were doing downward dog or licking their face when they were in savasana. Yes, Wiggy would love yoga.
‘And you walked home with a friend?’ His mum’s voice was calm, but she’d clearly been thinking about what he’d said.
‘I did. Her name is Ellie and her gran owns The Garden Café.’
‘Oh.’ His mum nodded and he could see the smoke coming from her ears as she tried not to combust.
‘She’s lovely. But she’s just a friend.’
‘OK.’ His mum sipped her tea, eyeing him over the rim of her mug.
‘Look … I know that you and dad just want me to be happy and recently I’ve started to feel a bit better. I will always miss Kimberley and always love her, but I’m … I don’t quite know how to put this… I feel like I’m emerging from the darkness. Like I can finally allow myself to feel hope and joy again.’
His mum nodded slowly, her wide eyes glued to his face.
‘I’ve felt like I was … under a cloud, like I couldn’t breathe some days, but with time, it has eased. I feel guilty for saying that, like I have no right to feel more positive, but I know Kimberley wouldn’t want me to struggle forever.’
‘Of course she wouldn’t. Kimberley loved you and would want you to embrace your life for your sake and for the children. If it was the other way around, you wouldn’t want her to hate life, would you?’
‘I’d want her to live.’
‘Exactly. And so you must live too.’ His mum sighed. ‘None of us gets long, Jasper. Some have more time than others, but the years pass so quickly. I’ll be sixty-five next birthday and your dad will be sixty-nine. It seems like mere weeks since I was twenty-five. You are a young man and you have so much to live for and so much to offer. I’m not saying that you have to fall in love again, because I know that’s complicated for you with the children and your loss, but you could enjoy spending time with someone and see how it goes. A… what is it called? A friend with benefits.’
Jasper laughed. ‘I can’t believe you just said that, Mum.’
‘Nor me!’ She giggled.
‘You’d like Ellie. She’s warm and sweet, she gets on with the children and she makes me smile. But the thing is … nothing has happened between us. I don’t even know if she sees me that way. She’s younger than me and probably just sees me as a single dad who has two adorable children and a lot of baggage.’
‘But you know there’s more to it, don’t you?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You just know, Jasper. I can see it in your eyes and written all over your face. This woman is special, and she thinks you are too.’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t know. Maybe my gut is telling me there’s something there, but I’m scared, Mum. There’s a lot at stake and whatever I want, I can’t risk the children getting hurt.’
His mum squeezed his hand again. ‘A life lived in fear is no life at all. The children are far stronger than you realise. They are loved and secure and they know it. You are a dad, Jasper, but you are also a man and a human being with a right to love and be loved. Just see how things go. Don’t be too hard on yourself and accept things as they happen.’
‘Mum?’ he asked.
‘Yes.’
‘Will you and Dad come and visit more often? I’ve missed you both.’
‘Actually, Jasper … we’ve been thinking about perhaps getting a caravan at the park. Nothing flashy, just something we could stay in so we’d be nearby but not on top of you the way we are when we stay here. That way, we’d be around when you need us and the children could come and sleep over. But only if that was all right with you. There’s never any pressure from us. You know that, don’t you?’
‘I know that, Mum. And I think a caravan is a great idea. The park is open eleven months of the year now.’
His mum nodded. ‘We’re thinking of selling the house, then we could downsize to the caravan and go abroad when the site is closed.’
‘Somewhere with a golf course, I bet!’ He laughed.
‘You know me so well.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’
‘What for?’
‘For being you.’
‘Oh Jasper…’ She put her mug down, released his hand and slid off her stool, then she came around the island and stood next to him. ‘You’re our precious boy. However old you are, you will always be our boy.’
She opened her arms and wrapped them around him, and Jasper settled into her hug. For the first time in a long time, he hugged her back and didn’t rush to pull away. His mum understood him far better than he’d realised. There was no judgement or disappointment between them; there was simply love.