8. Soledad
8
SOLEDAD
“ C an I get you anything while I’m out?” Alex asked one morning a few days later. “I’m running over to Zach’s house.”
He didn’t have to tell me where he was going, but it was nice that he did. It was almost as if we were in a relationship again. The tension had dropped away from our interactions, and a measure of flirtation had taken its place.
“I’m good,” I answered, lifting Luke to my shoulder and rubbing his back to soothe him. “Will you be long?”
“Not too long,” he said, his blue eyes on me. “Engage the security system after I leave.”
“I will. And I won’t talk to strangers either,” I teased. He’d been adamant about locking doors and windows and setting the alarm, especially when Luke and I were in the house without him. He’d never seemed overly concerned about that sort of thing in the past, but we hadn’t lived together then. Not long before our breakup, I had harbored the hope that he’d want me to move in. I’d even considered asking him to move to my duplex, but I’d known he would refuse.
That would have been too much for him—too confining, too much of a commitment for a man who refused to let himself become attached. I almost chuckled. Alex was attached now. To Luke, at least, despite the concerns he’d expressed about being a father. Maybe he was even a little attached to me because of our circumstances.
“There have been some break-ins in the neighborhood,” Alex said. “I’m just being cautious.”
Break-ins? That was news to me. Gina hadn’t mentioned anything of the sort when we spoke just the day before. Gina usually knew all the gossip. And crime was pretty rare in Springwell. It was the kind of town where plenty of people didn’t even bother locking their doors. Carolyn had gone through something scary a while back when her store was robbed, but it turned out that that had been a setup—the thief had been hired by someone who wanted revenge against her. I couldn’t think of any other robbery I’d heard of in the time since then. But then, it wasn’t as if I was dialed in to everything that happened at the police station. If I remembered right, one or two of the guys in Alex’s regular poker game were on the police force. Maybe he’d heard about it from them. It was a simple enough thing to lock up and wasn’t worth arguing about.
“I promise to be careful, too. After all, we have something precious to protect,” I said, my hand smoothing over Luke’s thick, dark hair.
“We do.” Alex stepped closer. He touched Luke’s back before leaning to kiss him on the cheek. The movement brought him close enough that I could smell his crisp, clean scent and see the dark stubble on his chin. Oh, how I wanted to touch him, run my finger along his jaw, and feel the soft scrape of his beard. It would have been the most natural thing in the world for us to move closer still. For a second, our eyes met over Luke’s head, and I thought Alex might take advantage of our proximity and kiss me.
I swallowed hard, teetering between leaning in to encourage him and turning my head to break the moment. Before I could make up my mind, Alex touched me lightly on the back of my neck under my ponytail. It was almost a caress, but it was over too soon. And then he was gone, out the front door. I heard his truck start and saw it pull away from the house through the large front window.
“Well, baby, it’s just us,” I said to Luke as I keyed in the code to set the security system. “Just us,” I repeated, letting the words sink in. Their meaning erased some of the happy vibes the intimate moment had stimulated in me. Just us might be mine and Luke’s existence soon, I acknowledged. Who knew when Alex would leave on another mission? He’d said nothing to me about his future as a SEAL, but I’d been with him long enough to know that the job came first. Or, at least, it always had.
“Maybe you do now.” I spoke to the now-sleeping baby. “Not me, though.” I huffed out a sigh, reminding myself that he’d made me no promises about what came next, other than to assure me that he’d be involved in Luke’s life. Which was good. Exactly what should happen between father and son. But knowing that I was never going to be the top priority in Alex’s life hurt more than a little.
I’d been having fun flirting with him and didn’t want to see that end. But it would, and sooner than I wanted it to. Damn that family curse , I grumbled as I gently placed Luke in the portable crib we kept in the living room. I wasn’t going to get what I wanted with Alex, but at least if he stayed in our lives as Luke’s father, as I thought he would, I’d be miles ahead of my mother’s situation, not to mention my aunt’s and cousin’s. I sank down on the couch feeling a little doomed, but I only let that last a minute before I forced myself to my feet. I had gotten through a pregnancy that involved losing my job and my home without anyone’s help. I really could do anything.
But I wanted…
Nope, can’t go there. I yanked my thoughts back as I reached for my laptop and forced my concentration to my blog. There were some new comments on my recent reviews, along with an offer from an advertiser who wanted to place a commercial on my site and pay me for the clicks it received. That was good, and the site already raised revenue in similar ways. It could be a good secondary income stream. Bookkeeping for Mandy and Carolyn was great, but I’d need more customers if I wanted to be able to afford rent on my own place, not to mention childcare during the day when I was working. It hadn’t been an issue so far with Alex around to pitch in, but I couldn’t let myself get too used to that. I was going to have to figure out how to do the single parent thing.
I knew Alex would be there financially even if he was deployed. He had far too much integrity and honor not to help support his son, but money didn’t solve every problem. The help and support that he’d given me since the day Luke was born was invaluable. But somehow, I’d have to learn how to do without it. Independence was important. That was what my mother had taught me. I guessed that if the women in my family were going to be cursed, they’d better be self-sufficient.
I responded to the latest comments before turning my attention to childcare next. Given the size of Springwell, there weren’t a ton of options when it came to day care, but I found two women who watched children in their homes and claimed to offer flexible hours. I sent preliminary inquiries to both—along with emails to Carolyn and Mandy. Lily was a stay-at-home mom, but Carolyn and Mandy both worked full time. Maybe they’d have some childcare recommendations. With that done, I closed my laptop.
“There,” I murmured. “One step closer to being independent again.”
I cringed inside despite my words. I didn’t like the idea of leaving my baby with a stranger. What if Luke cried for me? What if he got sick? A thousand scenarios flashed through my mind in which Luke needed me to keep him safe.
I had to stop that train of thought. Other women worked full time and found childcare for their babies. It didn’t make me a bad mom. Some might even say it was what would be best for Luke. He’d be able to be around other kids—would learn some socialization skills and build up his immune system. It would be good for him, and good for me to know that I’d be able to balance everything even after Alex left. After all, he wasn’t going to be around forever, and I couldn’t depend on his hospitality either.
And I was going to have to resist my feelings for Alex. That was the hardest part. I loved him. I couldn’t help it, and with Luke, I felt such a connection to him that it was a constant tug on my heart. The low-simmering anger and tension I’d maintained after our kiss helped me to build a dam to contain my emotions, but it wouldn’t hold. I could stick my finger in the dike as much as I wanted. Water always won, and my attachment to him poured out, threatening to drown me. For my own sake I had to rise to the surface and keep swimming.
And that meant moving on with my life.
I kept busy with baby laundry and writing belated thank-you notes for gifts until I heard his truck door close in the driveway. He entered through the front door, juggling bags in his hands as he rearmed the security system. One bag caught my eye. It was a pink-striped one I recognized from Liberté Patisserie. The French bakery downtown created our favorite treats, ones I hadn’t allowed myself for months because of the cost.
Alex never voluntarily went there, because he hated trying to pronounce the names of the pastries. During our relationship, he’d refused to walk in the door of the bakery, much less order something.
“Is that…?” I nodded to the bag.
“It is.” He held it up and grinned at me. My resolve to resist him, to move on with my life, took a hit. He’d braved saying pain au chocolat or religieuse for me. That was an expression of his feelings toward me, wasn’t it? And I could almost taste the delicate, buttery pastry and rich, dark chocolate of the pain au chocolat and the hazelnut-and-chocolate cream of the religieuse. They were so delicious.
He left the other items he brought in at the door and came toward me with the pink bag. He held it up, swinging it back and forth as if taunting me with it. I reached for it, but he yanked it back, still grinning, before relenting and placing it in my hands.
“Thanks,” I said when he gave it to me. “That was really sweet of you.” I peeked into the small box at the bottom of the bag and couldn’t help grinning. He hadn’t forgotten what I liked. My two favorites were nestled side by side. Heavenly.
“Just a simple thanks?” he asked, his grin disappearing. “I embarrassed myself trying to pronounce those tongue-twister names until the woman behind the counter took pity on me and let me point. I know they laughed at me after I left.” Alex was pretending to sound serious, but it was just an act, I could tell. “I think I deserve more than just a thanks.”
I guessed what he had in mind by the expression on his face. I knew it wasn’t a good idea…but I couldn’t deny that it was a tempting idea.
“I suppose you can have a kiss,” I said, recognizing that I was crossing into dangerous territory and doing it anyway. I told myself that I could control the moment, though, by kissing his cheek. That would be the smart thing to do. Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling particularly smart when it came to him. I bit my lower lip in anticipation, noticing that his eyes tracked to my mouth.
Cheek only, I insisted to myself. And I meant to kiss him there, I really did, but when he turned his head, putting our lips in alignment, I didn’t hold back.
His kiss was soft and perfect, like a really great first-date kiss. But we were well past first-date status, and it felt so good, so right. He lifted his head, giving me the opportunity to back away. Nope. I moved closer and wrapped my arms around his shoulders before placing my hands on the back of his neck, liking the feel of his warm skin and short hair. He raised a questioning eyebrow at me, but everything about his body language was welcoming, making me angle closer to him.
I let a beat play out as he seemed to wait for my next move. And then I kissed him fully. My lips met his, and nothing else mattered. How had I thought I didn’t want this? How had I thought I’d be okay without it? Because I wouldn’t be.
He let me deepen the kiss. When my mouth opened to him and my tongue teased his, he responded, but he didn’t try to control it. He met me stroke for stroke, tasting and arousing. His hands were low on my waist, his fingers rubbing over my hipbones while he pulled us tighter together. I could have melted into him. I thought I was melting, becoming liquid desire, his mouth far more delectable than the pastries I’d been fantasizing about moments earlier.
My fingers were under the edge of his shirt when Luke cried from across the room. I stilled, willing the baby to go back to sleep, even as I knew he wouldn’t.
“He’s hungry,” I murmured against Alex’s lips. I rested my forehead against his for a second, not wanting this moment of intimacy to end. But the cries grew louder, more demanding, until I admitted defeat and stepped away from Alex so that I could go to our son.
Luke quieted as soon as I picked him up. His bright blue eyes stared at me. What did he see? His mom with a blush on her cheeks and kiss-swollen lips? Alex came up behind me, slipping one arm around me and another around Luke. The three of us stood together in the perfect family image. I’d been delusional earlier, trying to talk myself out of wanting this. I wanted this life with Alex, even if it was only for now.
That could be enough, couldn’t it? It could sustain me through the years ahead.
“I’ll change his diaper and take my time so you can eat one of those fancy-pants pastries.” He took Luke from me and blew raspberries on the baby’s belly to make him happy as they climbed the steps.
I reached for the discarded bag, selecting the pain au chocolat and biting into it. The pastry was delicious, just as I remembered. I closed my eyes to relish it, but all I could think of was the kiss. It had been twice as wonderful as any confection could be. If Luke hadn’t woken, where would it have gone?
I knew the answer to that. Straight to the bedroom. And I wasn’t going to apologize for that, not to Alex and not to myself.
When Alex returned with Luke, I fed him as Alex moved about the house, putting away the groceries he’d purchased and keeping busy with other tasks. He was anxious, pacing like a caged tiger. The hot, predatory look he gave me when he re-entered the living room said it all. He wanted me as much as I wanted him.
But there was a baby between us. No, not between. Our child had brought us back together. I looked down at Luke, who batted his thick eyelashes at me. He was definitely a heartbreaker in the making.
“Let me take him,” Alex offered as soon as I finished feeding Luke. Alex continued pacing with the baby on his shoulder, showing him the shiny glint of a crystal in the front window and the whirling of the ceiling fan’s blades, anything to entertain him.
I did some work and then tried to turn my attention to my blog, but hot-air balloons weren’t enough to keep my mind from Alex’s kiss and what might—would—have happened if Luke hadn’t taken that moment to wake up. I forced myself to add content and respond to another message while my thoughts whirled, focused on Alex. Alex snoozing in the shaded backyard; Alex expecting a kiss in exchange for the pastries; Alex playing with our son as he was now. It was impossible not to remember the nights we’d spent together. God, how I wanted that again. Was it mine for the asking?
After what seemed like forever, Alex tapped me on the shoulder, silently indicating that Luke was asleep. Instead of placing him in the portable crib, Alex climbed the stairs with him. I heard footsteps overhead as Alex settled Luke in his room. Odd choice for three in the afternoon.
Unless…
Unless Alex planned to be upstairs, too. With me. In the master bedroom across the hall from Luke’s room. I couldn’t be sure of his intentions, but what if I met him in the hall between the rooms?
I kicked off my flip-flops by the front door and quietly went up the stairs barefoot, getting to the landing just as Alex closed Luke’s door. Our eyes met, complete understanding passing between us in a second. We both wanted this. And what was the harm?
“I’ve never wanted him to sleep so much,” Alex said, reaching for me and leaving me no doubt of his plans. His warm hands went around my waist, and he hauled me against him.
I suppressed a nervous giggle as I put my arms around his neck and let myself sink into another kiss. It started out gentle, nipping and teasing, but escalated quickly to something as hot as a summer’s afternoon. We both came up gasping for air, but Alex was relentless, delightfully so, when he started another mind-blowing kiss.
Slowly, as his mouth worked over mine, he backed me into the master bedroom I’d been using since I came to live in his house.
“I haven’t been in here in a while,” he murmured against my lips.
“You were always welcome to join me,” I said as my legs bumped the bed. I’d lain there many nights thinking about him, wishing he was there with me.
“Was I?” he asked. His lips trailed down my neck and coasted along my collarbone, making my rational thoughts scatter. “I didn’t think so.”
“If you do that, you’ll be welcome anytime,” I said, arching into him to let him know how much I enjoyed it.
“I’ve been thinking about kissing you here.” He nipped at the base of my throat. “And here.” He nibbled on my earlobe. “And so many other places.”
I laughed. “I’d like you to list all of them, but first I want this off.” I plucked at his T-shirt.
“Done.” He whipped it over his head and tossed it aside. “Now, you.” His hands were under the edge of my tank top, working it up as his palms slid up my stomach and over my breasts. My shirt joined his on the floor.
“I’ve wanted to touch you,” I said, taking full advantage of the opportunity to run my hands over his chest.
“Touch away,” he invited. “I’m done resisting the pull between us.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “Resisting?”
“Yeah.” He grinned at me. “I can’t fight it anymore. This might not be smart, you know.”
“Maybe.” I was doing it anyway, because having him for now was better than not having him ever. I could cling to that thought. Easily, I decided, when he unfastened my bra. I’d always been small-breasted with a lean torso. Since my pregnancy my figure was a little fuller, more curvy. He cupped my breasts in his hands.
“They’re bigger,” I said, feeling almost shy.
“I know. I like it,” he said, kissing along the top curve of one breast and into the valley between them.
It felt so damn good to have him close, to have his mouth and hands on me. I couldn’t help the contented sigh that escaped me. Then, suddenly, I wasn’t content at all. I wanted more of him, so I tugged on the button fly of his jeans, a silent demand for them to be off him.
He chuckled low in his throat at my impatience and pressed his lower body against mine, trapping my hand between us.
“You said I could touch,” I argued, moving my fingers enough to feel the hard outline of his erection through his jeans.
“So I did.” He gave me enough space to undo the other buttons. That done, I pushed the jeans and his boxers down his legs. He kicked them off, his eyes focusing on mine. He was naked and mine. I felt a hot, wet rush between my thighs.
I placed my hand flat on his chest, rubbing my palm over his nipples before following the line of dark hair down his stomach to his dick. I stroked the length of it, flicked my thumb over the slit on the head, and did it again. And again. His head tilted back, a deep groan coming from him as pleasure played across his face. I was considering dropping to my knees to take him with my mouth when his eyes flashed open.
He moved quickly, decisively, lifting me off my feet and placing me in the middle of the bed. My running shorts disappeared a second later, banished to the floor with the rest of our clothing. He claimed my mouth first, kissing me deeply, his tongue swiping against my teeth, playing with my tongue. I wrapped my legs around his, feeling his erection against my belly and wanting it inside me. But not yet. Alex appeared to have other plans.
He broke the kiss to start a slow exploration of my body, as if he was reacquainting himself with every inch of flesh, every curve. His lips left trails of heat over my breasts and across my stomach. So good. He moved lower on me and kissed the inside of each thigh, blowing a warm breath across my clit but not quite touching that sensitive part of me. I arched up, trying to bring his lips in contact with my body, but he resisted.
“Hey,” I murmured.
“Soon,” he said, rising back over me to kiss my lips, my cheeks, my forehead.
“Tease,” I said, as I pressed my fingers into the hard muscles of his butt.
“That’s me,” he agreed with a soft laugh. Seconds later, his hand touched me between my thighs, stroking over me and almost sending me into an orgasm. “Jesus, you’re so hot and wet.” His voice was a reverent whisper now.
“And you’re hard.” I clasped his dick again, making him gasp. “I think I remember what comes next.” I smiled up at him. “The condoms are still in the nightstand drawer.”
We’d always been careful about sex. Except for that one time nearly a year ago. I couldn’t regret that, but neither of us was ready for another child. With his long reach, Alex opened the top drawer and pulled out a packet. I took it from him, yanked open the foil, and rolled the condom onto his hard length. My body tightened in anticipation of what came next.
“How?” I asked, knowing he would understand my question. How did he want me?
“So I can see your face,” he answered, starting another kiss and shifting his hips to enter me. He eased into me, taking me inch by inch, not letting me rush the moment. I hooked my legs around his waist, tilting up to him, but still he controlled the movement. I’d thought I’d die with frustration, but then he started a rhythm of give and take, deep and shallow strokes, until I was panting for release.
“More,” I demanded, almost too breathless to speak.
He shifted the angle between us, changed the rhythm, and I felt myself fly apart, felt everything in me scatter and contract at the same time, and then the pleasure rolled through me. With one more stroke, I felt Alex shudder with his release. He lowered himself on me so our bodies connected completely.
“Christ, Soledad, that was amazing,” he whispered, his head buried against the curve of my shoulder.
Exactly how I felt. Bone deep, I knew that this was how we were meant to be.