Chapter 12 #2
“Obviously there was something wrong with those weirdos who wanted a party in your pants.” I press my lips together but can’t help the laugh that breaks free as he raises his eyebrows.
I need a workplace where I can laugh. With my parents, it’s like working in a morgue. I adore my daughter, but so much of my life involves struggling, and no one sees me as anything but a mother. I miss the old me who laughed, played sports, and could be anything.
“I promise I applied because I wanted to work somewhere related to my future career,” I continue.
“I didn’t know you worked here. I only managed to research Coulter Racing’s last year, the year you weren’t with the team, and the ad didn’t specify who I’d be working for.
If it had said I’d be working with someone who’d probably buy pants at the airport that have ‘Mad Sex’ printed on them to match his sliders, I’d have run a mile.
” I wink at him, and he shakes his head.
“Seeing you today was as big a shock to me as it was to you.”
“Good.” He makes an arch with his forearms, which are more muscly than I remember, and links his fingers.
“Here’s my pitch. Only you and my counsellor know about my health anxiety.
Over a year ago, in my last race of the Formula One season, I slammed into a barrier, and my car burst into flames.
I was lucky, but I was left with burns. I still have some scars on my scalp. ”
“Hence the cap?” He nods. “What you told me on the beach was true,” I say softly before sipping my coffee to give him space to continue.
“Mostly I’ve recovered, and I’m not scared of driving.
It might be the one place I feel free, but I spent a month in the hospital after the crash, where I picked up a virus that nearly killed me.
For months, I had recurring nightmares of those moments where I thought I’d die.
” He stutters. “I’d hear the voices of the nurses talking about my options and smell that clinical scent that made me want to retch.
Sometimes I’d have flashbacks while awake.
They were so visceral.” His voice is nearly a whisper.
“PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder,” I clarify.
He nods with relief. “That’s what my counsellor said.
It’s part of my health anxiety. I don’t get flashbacks like that anymore, but the terror that I might still get ill hits me at the worst moments.
” He trembles, and it’s getting harder to ignore the instinct to help him.
He can’t be himself, even with those he cares about.
“While I recovered, my dad had a heart attack. He’s better, but it got to me and left me panicking about how easy someone can get sick and, selfishly, how I could get ill again. I’m not who I was before.”
Sweat beads his forehead, and I study him. Health anxiety was one of my key modules at university.
He leans back in his chair, warily glancing around the room. “I was always the big, confident man around here.” He shakes his head. “Now everyone calls me grumpy, although around you, I’m a bit more me, but with added awkwardness.”
My mouth quirks. “Which is understandable.”
I don’t add he’ll never be the same person he was. A part of me wishes I could be who I was before, too.
“I have to travel sometimes with the team, and although I don’t expect you to join me, I need someone who can pick the right places and organise my trips exactly how I need so I don’t get anxious.
I don’t want someone I have to explain all of this to or someone who tries to fix me.
I want to feel like me again, which is what my counsellor’s for, but I’m so fucking scared all the time.
I don’t know who I am anymore.” His hands shake, and he shoves them under him.
His vulnerability reminds me of when we spoke in Greece.
“It’s okay, Niki. I’ve not been through the same as you, but I’ve experienced feeling like I’ve lost a part of myself.”
I wouldn’t change Tabi for anything, but I had hopes and dreams. Mine changed because of the most incredible girl in the world.
His smile wavers. “This is why you’re the assistant for me. I’m scared to let anyone in, but you’re already more in than anyone else. So as creepy as it sounds, I need you.”
I sit back and lean my chin on my fist. “That was a convincing pitch, but before you get carried away, I need to share the conditions I gave to your sister.” He squeezes his lips like he’s trying not to grin.
“I don’t travel with you, I get weekends off, and I work eight to five, with no evening work or calls, unless it’s an emergency.
I need my evenings free.” I gulp the last of my coffee.
He cocks an eyebrow. “Okay.” Maybe desperation stops him from asking questions, although they’ll come eventually.
“Here are my conditions. I’ll pay you double what my sister offered.
” I nearly choke. “Once you’ve passed probation, you can have time each week to work on your master’s in sports psychology, if you want to. We’ll pay for your master’s.”
“These don’t sound like conditions.”
“I haven’t finished. I want a dog, and although I’ll have someone to take care of it, I might need you to be aware if anything happens.
” I nod. Tabi will be giddy. “I have a counsellor, and I want to hire a nutritionist and trainer, but I need someone to tie all of this together and manage my team for me, while also ensuring they don’t push me beyond the limits of my health anxiety.
I don’t want anyone here, including my sister and best friend—”
“The guy with the Lambo toy?”
“Yes, Connor. I don’t want them to find out about my health anxiety or anything I told you before or today.
I’ll talk to them eventually, but they’ll try to fix me if I do it now.
I don’t need that. I need someone on my side to protect my secrets and my health. I don’t expect you to be a superhero.”
“Are you sure?” I tease. If I can encourage him to relax a little, it will help.
He shrugs and tips his chin. “I just need you to be you. I need you. What do you say?”
“I need you to stop saying ‘I need you.’”
He blushes and, fuck me, if it’s not the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.
“I’ll take the job.” He gives a little cheer, but I continue even though I want to revel in his joy.
“But you’ll need to be honest with me about how you feel.
If you’re too grumpy, anxious, or uncomfortable, then you need to tell me why rather than hide it from me, or it will come out in other ways. ”
He grins in a way that makes me want to kiss him. I cannot kiss my damn boss.
I push forward. “And we’ll find ways to make you happy, whatever it takes, although I won’t be the kind of assistant who buys presents for your girlfriends or wives.”
“I didn’t have either when we met in Greece, and I don’t have either now.”
I didn’t need to make that comment, and he didn’t need to respond, but I’m glad he’s single. I already hate imagining him kissing someone else like he did me, although Niki in a relationship would be healthier for our working relationship.
I can’t kiss, date, or have fantasies about my boss, especially not while gripping my vibrator tonight.