Chapter 58 Rosie
Rosie
My belly is nearly as full as my heart. Tabi finishes the last of her food. It’s taken several reminders that Graham can’t have pizza, but she’s got the message.
I can’t let myself hope this can be my present and future, but as she squeezes on orange sanitiser so she can play dolls with Niki, I long for these moments forever.
“Are you ready, Niki? I’m Cinderella.” She shoves a doll at him. “You’re the evil stepmother.”
“Okay.” He draws out the word.
Are you sure? I mouth to him, and he nods. I get to my feet. “I’ll tidy up.”
I walk to the kitchen, balancing the plates.
“Niki, you’re meant to be playing,” Tabi says.
I turn to find a blushing Niki gawking at my bum. I wink, which makes him blush brighter.
I want him so bad. He’s playing dolls with my daughter. I didn’t know I could be this happy.
My phone vibrates with a message from a parent of a child from Tabi’s preschool.
Sally: Hey, Rosie. How are you? Sorry to bother you, but we haven’t gotten your RSVP for Gregory’s birthday party next month. Is Tabi coming? Gregory would love her there, and the whole group starting school in September are going.
Gregory is Tabi’s friend, and she’d usually jump at the chance to spend time with him, but I don’t remember an invitation.
Rosie: Could you remind me of the date, time, and location?
I glance at Niki, who holds up a doll and says in a witchy voice, “Cinderella, you can’t go to the ball. You have to clean and cook.”
Tabi’s doll pretends to cry as she replies, “But I want to wear a pretty dress.” She shoves another doll at Niki. “You have to pretend to be the fairy godmother now.”
He puts on a sweet lilt. “Hello, Cinderella. I’ll magic you a pretty dress. You shall go to the ball.”
I sigh happily as the dolls dance. A millionaire racing driver is playing dolls on my living room floor.
I remember he said in his office that I should’ve seen him before when I’d commented he was glorious. I’m scared he’ll realise I don’t fit with the person he wants to be, the old Niki. His reassurances have helped, but I must protect my daughter at all costs, which means protecting my future.
A beaming Niki helps Tabi pick out dresses for Cinderella to wear to the ball.
“Not that one,” Tabi says. “That’s for when she marries the prince. It’s my favourite dress. I wish it was big enough for me. Would you like to see my princess dresses?”
Niki smiles. “Fashion show?”
My betraying heart whispers to forget the future, because nothing will be as good as this moment, as a reply from Sally comes in.
Sally: Here’s a picture of the invite.
Staring at the invite, I realise my girl has learnt to hide things from me, because the location reveals why she didn’t want to go. A dark cinema would be her worst nightmare.
An hour later, Tabi sits between me and Niki on the sofa, and Graham covers Niki’s lap as we watch an old version of Cinderella.
“Tabi,” I broach, “I got a message from Gregory’s mum. He’s having a birthday party.”
Tabi plays with Graham’s ears. Niki glances between me and Tabi.
“Did you hide the invitation because it’s a cinema party?” I ask softly.
Tabi’s lower lip wobbles, and I pull her into my arms. “You’re not in trouble, honey.”
She presses her face to my chest and nods. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this in front of Niki. I’ve spent the last four years scared I’ll mess my child up with every decision I make.
Sorry, I mouth to Niki, but he holds my hand and squeezes it. It’s the comfort I didn’t know I needed.
“Are you scared because it will be in the dark? Is that why you hid it?”
“Yes.” She sobs against my T-shirt.
I pull her back, and she scrunches up, her eyes closed and her body tight. “It’s okay, nugget. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but you can’t hide things like this.”
“I don’t want to be in the dark, and if I get scared, the kids will laugh at me.”
Graham snuggles against her.
I don’t know what to say, because she’s right. They will. I shouldn’t have kept her at the preschool, but it made sense then. I’m failing my child.
“I get scared of things too, Tabi,” Niki says quietly. “I’m scared of lots of things.”
Tabi side-eyes him from my chest. “But you’re a grown-up.”
“But I still get scared being around too many people and when strangers get close.”
“Do people laugh at you?”
“Maybe, but the ones that laugh don’t matter to me.
They’re not my friends. My proper friends, like your mum, care about me and make it okay.
You use the sanitiser, so I don’t get scared.
” Tabi sits back on my lap and stares at him.
Her mouth twists from one side to the other. “I used to be scared of more things.”
“Not now?”
“Fewer things now.”
I hold my breath as they chat. Tabi continues to stroke Graham, who snuggles into her.
“Why?”
“I had help from different people, clever people.” He winces as if he’s not sure he’s saying the right thing, but I nod, encouraging him. He swallows noisily. “I also started carrying a bracelet. When I get scared, I hold it.”
He takes it out of his pocket, and Tabi reaches for Niki. I pass her over so she sits on his lap. She holds the bracelet tightly. He strokes her tears away.
“I could go to the cinema party with a new bracelet,” she says eventually. “Will you help me make it?”
I glance at her. She’s staring at Niki as if he holds all her hopes in his words. Maybe he does. He holds all of mine.
“You need to go to bed soon, Tabi,” I say. I don’t want to stop this, but an exhausted Tabi usually ends in a tantrum.
“I could come back tomorrow, if that’s okay with your mum,” Niki says hesitantly.
“Yes. He can come to the farm with us. Graham can’t do that, but he can help make bracelets.” Tabi squeals, stroking Graham behind the ear. “Can he, Mummy?”
“If you’re sure, Niki?” My pulse is rapid.
“I’d love to.” His smile is so broad that I want to hang my dreams on it.
“And you can read me a bedtime story. Please, Niki?”
When he nods, she jumps off his lap and dances around the living room. I nibble my lip, hoping I’ll get her to sleep tonight so I have time with Niki, just sitting close and holding his hand.