Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
The Hero
There’s blood on my thighs. On my dick.
Dried and brownish.
Only a few small spots, nothing big. Nothing that would draw my eyes to them.
But I’m looking at them now.
Back at my hotel room, as I step into the shower, I’m looking at these spots as the water washes them away. As the water swallows the dark red color. As it goes down the drain.
For a second I don’t get it.
I don’t fucking get it.
But then I know.
Like a jolt to my system, I fucking know. I fucking remember.
Her impossible tightness, the struggle to get in, her shocked breaths and jerks. Her tears.
That burned my skin when they fell on me.
She lied.
She lied to me tonight. She lied.
And that burning, that pain I’d felt when she cried because of me, because I’d physically hurt her with my callousness, comes back.
A severe, massive pain. The likes of which I’ve never experienced before.
And I’m quite adept at dealing with it.
It comes with the territory of being an athlete. You spend most of your life hurting, nursing one injury after another. Icing, bandaging, elevating, walking it off.
Just because I don’t play soccer anymore doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten.
But there’s not just pain, there’s anger too, and I’ve never felt this kind of an anger before either.
Anger at my own fucking self for not figuring it out sooner, for not figuring it out in the moment, and I’m quite an expert in handling anger as well.
Asshole father, remember?
I wasn’t lying to her when I told her that yes, it hurt like a mother when he asked me to give up soccer in exchange for her freedom and come work for him. It made me angry too, furious, that I was so close to winning, so close to showing him once and for all that he wouldn’t control me.
But it didn’t make me as angry as I was when I found out my father’d got his evil clutches into her.
And it didn’t make me as angry as I am right now.
As angry as I get when I think of something else.
I didn’t have a condom on me.
She pissed me the fuck off, made my blood burn with jealousy and I wasn’t thinking straight, all right?
I wasn’t thinking about anything other than getting inside of her body, erasing that goddamn son of a bitch, and it didn’t occur to me that I was bare. Not until I was already inside of her. Not until I was already coming and I pulled out.
I know I pulled out. I fucking know that but…
But what if that wasn’t enough?
What if…
Jesus Christ.
The whole drive back from St. Mary’s, I kept thinking that that was it. That tonight would be the last time. That I’d give her what she wanted. It didn’t even make sense, me going there. The video is done.
If she wants to fall for someone, she can fucking fall for someone.
And she better pray that I don’t ever find out who he is.
Because if I do, I will murder him. I will kill him just for breathing the same air as her.
That’s what I do in my thoughts. When I picture her with someone. When I torture myself with the possibility that she might’ve moved on. That she’s giving her sweet smiles to someone else. That she’s fucking dancing for someone else.
But fuck it all now.
Fuck what she wants.
If she wanted me to stay away, she shouldn’t have lied. She shouldn’t have angered me, made me furious enough to hurt her like that. To make her bleed over my dick, my thighs.
To not only hurt her but to get inside her all bare, all thoughtless.
So fuck what she wants.
I’m seeing her again.