Chapter 24 #2
But some nights he likes to come on my body.
On my tits that he loves so much.
Or my swollen belly.
God, he loves my swollen belly. He’s always touching it, rubbing it. And he likes to come on it too.
He likes to kneel over my prone, satisfied body, all sweaty and panting, and jerk his cock until he lashes his cum on my belly, the muscles of his abdomen straining, his biceps flexing.
When he’s done, I rub it all over my skin like his cum is one of those rare body oils that I love so much and he watches me with hooded, villainous eyes.
His pregnant, captured fairy rubbing his scent all over her skin.
So even if I manage to break free from him, he can smell me in the night, follow my trail and bring me back to his evil lair.
So yeah, nights are easier.
Because at night, it feels like we’ll never be apart. When he cuddles with me after it feels like love.
Other times though, I try to keep myself busy.
With school, with baking, with my large family of friends and brothers.
Who all come over when I finally get my acceptance letter from Juilliard.
I thought it would never come and that it was too late.
Everyone already knows what they’re doing after graduation, including Wyn, who also got her acceptance letter to one of her dream art schools in New York.
Salem is going to California for youth soccer camp and to be with her Arrow.
And Poe, well, she is still deciding what her next move will be after she kills her guardian.
Anyway, after I get my acceptance letter, I decide to invite everyone over for a little get-together.
All my brothers, Tempest and my St. Mary’s friends, who all got day passes via Conrad, even Salem and Poe. We’re all gathered out in the backyard, against the backdrop of woods and dangerous cliffs.
And it’s a happy occasion, or at least, it’s supposed to be.
First, there are my brothers and Reed.
As I said, they have thawed toward him slightly.
But still, all of them together in one place is not without some glares or awkward pauses and sarcasm.
All courtesy of Shepard and Ledger, my two rowdy brothers.
Reed doesn’t care or looks like he doesn’t.
He keeps his cool and his barbs to a minimum.
Then there’s Tempest, whose usually laughing gray eyes appear sad. Not a lot though — I bet she’s trying to hide her sadness from her own brother, Reed; I would do the same thing for my brothers if I were her — but I can tell.
And I can also tell that it’s because of Ledger.
How he’s hardly paying her any attention and how all his attention is on my St. Mary’s group of friends, especially my quiet, dreamer friend, Wyn.
I know Tempest and I haven’t talked about him in years because of our no brothers rule. But I can tell now that her crush on my idiot brother hasn’t gone anywhere.
You know what, I’m going to give Ledger a piece of my mind as soon as I get a chance. First, he needs to be careful of Tempest’s feelings. And second, he needs to leave Wyn alone; she’s innocent and sweet as opposed to his player ways.
And sad.
Yeah, Wyn is sad too.
Again, not a lot but I can tell. I don’t know what’s bothering her and she doesn’t tell me — absolutely refuses to tell me — when I ask. But I know it can’t be art school anymore; she already got in, as we all knew she would.
Oh, and there’s another person who looks slightly upset.
Okay, a lot upset. A lot. About something. My oldest brother, Conrad.
I have no idea what’s happening and I know that he will never tell me either. But about an hour ago, he disappeared into the house for something and when he came back out, he was glowering.
At nothing in particular, but he was glowering.
Finally there’s me.
And the fact that I’ve done something that all my brothers never wanted me to do. Not again.
I don’t know how they’ll react if they find out.
That I’m in love with him. That I never fell out of love with him.
So I’ve decided that I won’t tell them. I won’t tell anyone.
I’m already not telling Reed. I’ve already promised him that I won’t love him. So there’s no reason for anyone to find out what I’ve done.
Although this time around, it’s hard.
Harder than the first time even.
The first time, I wanted to be good. I wanted to not lie or hide from my brothers. I was ashamed at what I was doing, falling in love with someone despite all the warnings.
This time, I don’t want to keep it from people like it’s a dirty little secret. This time, I’m not ashamed. I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong by loving him.
This time, I’m not na?ve either.
I know he’s a villain. I know he has all the power to hurt me.
But I also know that he can be a hero if he wants to be. He can be a protector, a lonely protector.
So I don’t know if this whole get-together was a good idea. Because not only do I have to hide my love for Reed, I also have to pretend to be happy about going to Juilliard.
I thought I would be.
That I would be so, so happy about going to the place where I’ve wanted to go ever since I was five.
But I’m not.
As people around me, my brothers especially, make plans about what’s going to happen after Halo is born, all I want to do is cry.
My brothers tell me that they have thought it all through: I’m going to live with Ledger, Stellan and Shepard, who all share an apartment in New York.
They have also begun baby shopping and clearing out a room for me.
And since Reed lives here now because he works for his dad’s company, he can visit whenever he wants to.
I expect Reed to say something then.
I expect him to object and declare that he’ll be moving to New York with me. Or as crazy as it is, that I’m not going anywhere without him. Mostly because he’s buying stuff for Halo too and hoarding it all in the spare bedroom as if he means for us to stay.
But he doesn’t.
He doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t tell us that he has a plan. He simply stands there with a tight jaw and shuttered eyes.
Again, I try to tell myself that it doesn’t matter.
If he’ll visit Halo and be there for her, then that’s enough for me.
But I can’t help but want to sob and sob and sob.
Anyway, after that miserable party, when I’m not sobbing, I’m knitting.
Oh, I knit like crazy these days.
Tempest bought me so much yarn that I can knit well into next year. I knit Halo everything that I can think of: socks, booties, hats, scarves. Even sweaters.
When I complete the first sweater, baby blue with little white wings and a white halo above it, and I show it to Reed, he doesn’t say anything for a minute.
A whole minute.
I sit in the bed, propped up on my pillows as usual and count the seconds.
When I can’t take the suspense anymore, I ask, fearfully, “You don’t like it?”
Sitting beside me, he looks up then; he’s been staring silently at the sweater all this time and my heart squeezes in my chest at the look in his eyes. All molten and intense.
Then he speaks, his voice so rough and guttural that my heart bleeds in my chest. “I like it.”
“This is my second attempt,” I whisper, clutching my nightie. “At intarsia.”
His jaw, as usual stubbled at night, moves back and forth. “It’s perfect. Just like the first.”
Again, I want to ask him.
I want to ask him what he did with the sweater that I made him. But I can’t.
I’m still too afraid.
I’m afraid that he will break my heart even more. I’m afraid that even though he’ll tell me that he’s thrown it away, that maybe he doesn’t even remember where he put it because it was so inconsequential to him, I’ll make him another sweater.
I’ll keep knitting for him and storing them away somewhere like the brokenhearted girl that I am.
So I don’t and he doesn’t tell me.
What he does do is love me.
That night he’s the most tender he has ever been. He clutches my belly, cradles it as he moves inside of me. And when we come together, he cuddles with me tightly.
He can’t stop kissing my forehead.
He can’t stop smelling me, rubbing his nose in the crook of my neck. And then he does the sweetest thing ever. He spreads that tiny sweater over my naked bump and kisses it.
In fact, he sets up camp there, near my swollen belly, lying on his stomach and propped up on his elbows as he keeps staring at the sweater, at my belly. Deep in thought, he keeps tracing my veins over my distended belly.
“No boys,” he says, suddenly.
I was playing with his hair, my other hand cradling my bump, but I stop now. “What?”
He looks up with a fierce frown, his bare chest tight, his shoulders brittle. “No boys. Ever.”
Halo kicks in my stomach. “For Halo?”
“Yeah. Boys are fucking assholes.”
I chuckle, tugging on his hair. “Takes one to know one.”
His frown thickens. “Exactly. No one gets to break her heart.”
“What if she falls in love with one?”
“She won’t,” he declares as if he can control that. “And if she does, I’m going to kill him. So problem solved.”
I can’t help it then. I laugh. “You’re going to kill the boy Halo falls in love with.”
“If that’s what it takes to protect her, yes.”
I study his outraged features, his longish hair brushing his strong, muscular shoulders, his hand on my belly, the hand of a protector, a predator.
Her hero. My villain.
“You’re crazy,” I murmur.
“She’s mine.”
I smile, my eyes all wet. “She is.”
“No one gets to hurt her.”
See?
My Halo will get her happy ending and so as her mom I’ll take my happiness there.
As her mom, I’ll ignore my own heartbreak.
I’ll ignore that her hero is my gorgeous villain.
Late-May, in my seventh month of pregnancy, I get what I want.
So all this time, I’ve been trying to figure out how to help Reed.
How to set him free from the job he hates, from his dad and that company that’s sucking the soul out of him.
When he leaves for the office after dropping me off at school in the morning, he’s all smooth and polished but by the time the day ends, it’s like he’s been in a war.
He, of course, does not want to talk about it.