24. MATTHEW
Chapter twenty-four
MATTHEW
DO THE SCARY THING
I thought asking Atlas to come with me to the city was going to be the way I could have everything I wanted.
The job, the status, and the man. But he’s right.
His life is here. His family is here. His peace is here, in this place with these animals.
Why did I think asking him to leave all of this behind was the answer? Fuck.
When he left, it wasn’t like he was mad or anything, which in some way maybe was worse.
He was… sad. My throat goes tight as the memory of his sad eyes resurfaces.
I hate that I hurt him. Maybe he’s right.
Maybe leaving for the city isn’t the great opportunity I think it will be.
I was actually totally sure I would say no until I started thinking that Atlas might come with me.
Then it all looked so wonderful. I imagined showing him all my favorite places to eat, and us going for walks along the riverside, going to a baseball game, having drinks, and dancing in the city.
I could see it all, and it was amazing. But in every vision of that future, Atlas was there with me.
Now, knowing I’d be leaving him behind, walking away from a man who has captivated me from the moment I set eyes on him, I’m not sure I want it anymore.
I pull out my phone and text my mom.
MATTHEW: How did you know that Dad was the one?
My phone lights up with Mom’s number a minute later.
“Hi, honey, what’s going on?” she asks, and hearing her voice is like being wrapped in her warm hug.
“You know the guy I told you about?” I ask.
“Yes, the young horse fella, Atlas, wasn’t it?”
“That’s the one.”
“What about him, honey?”
“Well, I was sort of hoping… maybe… see, I sort of got offered a job… in the city.”
“Ahh, and you’re thinking because I left my hometown to be with your father, I could tell you the magical way I knew for sure that our lives would be wonderful and perfect and everything we dreamed of?”
I’m nodding like she can see me when I answer, “Yes,” excitedly.
“Sorry, kid. Life doesn’t work like that. You just have to make a choice to jump and hope there’s something, or someone, there to catch you.”
“Really? That’s all you’ve got for me? Make a choice and jump.”
“What can I say, kid? You get one life, and only you can make it into what you want it to be.”
“That’s the problem, though. Now I don’t know what I want it to be.
I worked for years to get a leg up in the company, and now I’m thinking about turning it down to work as an assistant slash farm hand.
I’ve washed more mud out of my hair in the past few months than I have in my whole life leading up to being out here. ”
“You were always a clean child.”
“Exactly, so why is it that I’m even thinking about passing up this opportunity?”
“Honey, no one can answer that for you. But I will tell you one thing.”
“Yes, excellent, go, I’m listening.”
Her soft chuckle comes through the line like a song.
“Don’t be afraid to do the scary thing just because it’s scary. Remember the loops on the roller coasters?”
“Yeah, I was terrified the whole time we were in line. I kept backing out as we got closer to our turn, and then made you rejoin the line again just to have me back out over and over.”
“Until you didn’t back out, and we sat down and…”
“It was amazing. I think we rode it twenty times after that, and every time was just as fun as the first time. What if both of the choices are scary?” I ask, but she’s silent on the other end.
Finally, I sigh and say, “What if I stay and end up resenting him for missing out on something I wanted for so long?”
“That’s a possibility,” she replies, and I scrub my hand down my face.
“You’re just agreeing with everything I say. Can’t you just tell me what you would do?”
“You know what I did. I chose your father, and I don’t regret that choice for one minute, because it brought me you. I’ve always said you’re the luckiest thing to happen to me, Matthew, and I mean it.”
“So I should stay?”
“You have to choose for yourself, just like I did.”
“Urgh.”
My phone chimes and I turn the screen to check it and find she’s sent me a photo of her hand holding a half-flattened penny.
“Did you just find that?” I ask, and she laughs.
“Yep. I stepped out of my book club to take your call and I’ve been strolling down the alleyway beside the bookshop as we’ve talked.
It’s really quite pretty; there are all these purple-flowered vines snaking along one wall and yellow dandelions poking up every few feet.
It was just sitting there beside one of those puffball ones, you know, the ones you blow on to make a wish. ”
“So, you found a lucky penny and got to make a wish, all while I’m over here trying to decide between staying for a man I only really met a few months ago or leaving for a job I’ve worked for my whole adult life?”
“Pretty much. Do you want me to wish that you make the right decision? Will that help?”
“Yes, do that please.”
“Okay, hold on.”
It’s silly, I know. Wishes on dandelions don’t actually work, though I guess people would say there isn’t really any such thing as a lucky penny either, and we’re still collecting those.
My phone makes another sound, and I turn to find her trying to connect as a video call.
I tap the screen, and then there she is, all wide bright smiles and golden eyes, just like mine.
“Are you ready?” she asks, holding the puffed ball of the dead dandelion up to her lips.
“Yep, now make sure you wish for it properly,” I say, and she shakes her head.
“I know how to make a wish. Now shh, so I can concentrate.”
She closes her eyes, and I watch her breathe in and then purse her lips together and blow, sending the tiny seedlings of the flower into the air all around the camera and blurring my view of her in a cloudy haze for a moment.
Then it clears, and all that’s left is the nub of the flower and my mother’s soft smile.
“Feel better, my boy?” she asks, and I nod, even though I’m no closer to actually making a choice than I was when I messaged her. But somehow, I feel like whatever I choose, it’ll be okay. Hmm, maybe there is something to those wishes after all.
***
“Are you really leaving?” Skye asks when I reach the stables late in the afternoon. He’s holding a basket of carrots, a late-night snack for all the horses before they settle in for the night.
“How do you know about that?” I ask curiously.
“Connor mentioned at dinner last night that you might be moving on. Some job in the city, right?”
“Maybe. I haven’t really decided yet. I mean, I thought I had but… it’s complicated.”
“Well, I hope you choose to stay, and not just because you haven’t taught me your trick with Loki yet.” He reaches in and grabs a carrot from the basket. “You want to give him one so that he actually takes it?”
“How about we try and get him to take it from you tonight.”
“Really? How?”
“He has to know you’re there, so I’ll get his attention first, then you’re going to ignore him completely.”
“I don’t see how that will work, but I’ll try.”
“Okay, give me one second. Stay here, and maybe keep your back to us.”
He gives me a nod, and I walk past him into the stables.
As I reach Loki’s stall, I catch sight of a penny just sitting angled against the post beside Loki’s stall.
There’s no way this found its way here by chance, I think, as I bend to pick it up.
But how else would it get here? It’s not like anyone would be leaving them around for me.
Except that is totally something Atlas would do.
I should have known when I started to suddenly find them in really open places out here on the ranch.
He doesn’t believe that finding a penny is lucky, but he knows that I do, and he’s trying to give me every piece of luck he finds.
This one’s a little dirty, but otherwise in pretty good condition.
I quickly take out my phone, snap a pic, and send it off to Mom, then shove the penny and my phone back into my pocket.
The moment Loki sees me, he’s at the gate, nudging me with his head. He should be able to see Skye from here too, which is exactly what I want.
“Okay, keep your back to us, and start walking back slowly, then stop at the first stall with Queenie to give her a carrot, but don’t even glance this way.”
“Got it,” he whispers, and I laugh.
“Deaf horse, remember? You don’t have to whisper.”
“Oh, right,” he chuckles, and then I see him move out of the corner of my eye. Loki sees him too. One ear turns in that direction, but he’s too happy getting pets off me to really care.
“You’re a good boy,” I say, stroking his soft hair along the length of his nose.
“Do I keep going?” Skye asks.
“Yes, and remember, no looking. You don’t care that Loki is here, and he hopefully won’t care that you’re there.”
Loki’s attention keeps moving from me to Skye, and I bet the basket of carrots he’s carrying and handing out to the other horses on his way.
When he’s one stall away, I tell him, “After this one, get out the carrot and have it ready for him, step back slowly, and then turn really slowly toward him. Hopefully, he’ll stay standing. I mean, he’s doing great so far.”
“This is the closest I’ve gotten.”
Skye picks up a carrot and holds it up, hand shaking as he steps back into Loki’s space and slowly turns. Loki’s head moves toward the carrot, nostrils flaring at the familiar scent.
“Okay, now, when he takes it, keep your hand up. I want to try something,” I say.
“Okay,” Skye whispers again, like Loki might be startled by his voice. I don’t say anything this time because I talk to Loki all the time. He can’t hear me, but I swear he can feel what I’m trying to say.
Loki’s mouth moves over the carrot and plucks it from Skye’s hand.
“Good boy,” I say, running my hand over the side of his head with one hand, and then I reach over and take Skye’s hand, and guide it toward Loki. Loki’s attention is completely on what I’m doing, but he doesn’t move away. He trusts me, and I need him to know he can trust Skye too.
“Good boy,” I coo again, and then I lay Skye’s hand against the bridge of Loki’s nose.
“Oh my god, he’s letting me touch him,” Skye says, and together we pet Loki, slow and steady, and when Loki’s attention shifts to the basket slung over Skye’s arm, I take my hand away and step back.
“Give him another carrot,” I say, and Skye reaches in with his free hand and offers it to Loki. There’s no hesitation now, no fear. He takes it freely, and then he leans forward and nudges Skye’s hand as if to tell him to keep petting him.
“Oh, you like that, do you?” Skye is running his hand over and down the side of Loki’s neck. I take another step back, then another, until I’m only just in sight, and Skye is talking and petting Loki just like any other horse.
“Wow, you did it,” Atlas says, startling me.
“I didn’t do anything. Loki was ready to trust. Skye just showed him that he could.”
“Don’t sell yourself short. I worked with Loki every day and hardly made any headway. You really have a way with him.”
“Thanks,” I say, and I turn and lean against the stable wall. “So… I have to go see Connor, but I was hoping we could maybe… talk later.” He glances back at Skye and Loki. “In private, maybe after dinner. I mean, I’m assuming Sally-May will insist I stay once she sees me.”
“She will, and sure, we can talk. My trailer after dinner it is.”
My stomach flips in the same way it did the first time he invited me to his place. Granted that was to strip naked with him, but the fact that he still makes me feel this way has to mean something, right?