CHAPTER FOUR #3
“Relationships can be all-encompassing. Claustrophobic even. Traveling together and working together just ups that.” Anne popped a cherry tomato from the charcuterie board into her mouth. “You need to have your own life and interests and defend them vigorously.”
“No, you don’t!” Mal popped up behind the couch, sliding his hands down over his wife’s shoulders. “I am your whole world.”
“Who has the baby?” asked Anne.
“Ah, Adam. Yes. I left him with junior.”
“You know Tommy freaks him out.”
“Yeah. It’s hilarious.”
She clicked her tongue.
And sure enough, Adam was indeed frowning down at the small bundle of joy held tentatively in his arms. Adam and I as parents…
What a strange idea. Tommy waved his little arms in the air while my ex watched as if the baby were about to explode or something at any moment.
Not sure I’d ever seen such naked fear in his eyes.
Ben the bass player sat nearby, keeping an eye on things while Dave and Jimmy both played guitars softly.
“Ben’s watching him,” said Mal with a smile. “Relax, pumpkin. For I am a good and noble father.”
Anne smiled back at him. “I know. I just worry.”
“Of course, you do.” Lizzy passed her another tomato. “You two went to a lot of trouble to make him. But everything’s fine, Anne. Relax.”
What I liked was the warmth these people shared. The connection they all had.
“We haven’t even told you how impossible it is to be around them when they’re in the middle of recording,” said Ev. “It’s like their minds are permanently elsewhere. All of their thinking space is taken up with creating the great work.”
“That’s true.” Lena crossed her legs. “And that’s why you need your own life and interests.”
“Nonsense,” said Mal, still lurking over the back of the couch. “Anne worships me, and her life couldn’t be fuller.”
“I work in a bookshop when I’m not on tour,” reported his wife. “I love it.”
“But all the books in there are about me, right?”
“Oh sure.” Anne grinned. “It does imbalance the store sections a little, but I’ve made it work.”
“Too much in the romance section, you mean?”
“Actually, it turns out most of the store is taken up with mental health books.”
“Because I make you crazy in love?”
“Absolutely, that’s the reason. I am crazy, and I do love you,” she faithfully repeated, patting his hand. “And Tommy.”
Across the room, the baby gurgled, and Adam kept right on frowning down at him. Never had I seen a grown man so perturbed by something so small. It was kind of fascinating. A little person, half me and half him. Our little person. How amazing and terrifying would that be?
“There’s no rush,” murmured Ev with a soft smile. “David and I have things we want to do before thinking about having children. That’s still out there someday. And from what I’ve seen, babies are way more work than you can ever imagine.”
“I believe you. But honestly, I don’t even know if Adam and I should be together,” I admitted, my heart on my sleeve.
She blinked. “Well, do you love him?”
God help me. “Sadly, that was never the problem.”
Her smile softened even more. Like she’d been through her own share of doubts and heartache.
“Take it one step at a time then, I guess. I don’t know.
It’s easy to be smart for other people when it isn’t your soul on the line.
Love can hurt like a bitch. But it can be beautiful, too. David taught me that.”
“Hmm.”
Mal cleared his throat, leaning closer. “Thing is, even scared shitless of my small innocent child, that’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him.
Not that you can be personally responsible for someone else’s happiness in life, etcetera.
But if he makes you half as happy as you obviously make him, might be worth hanging around for a while. Seeing where things go.”
“Huh,” said Lizzy. Because this obviously wasn’t an even remotely private conversation. “That was almost wise, Mal.”
He sniffed as if insulted. “I’m wise. I know stuff. Tell them what I know, pumpkin.”
“Stuff,” she dutifully once more repeated with a smile and a wink.
“Hey. Psst. Want to run away from the party and go have sex in our apartment while our friends watch the baby?” he whispered far too loudly in her ear.
Lena snorted. “Go do it, you crazy kids. We’ve got Tommy.”
“Yes!” Mal jumped to his feet, hands raised in the air like a boxer in his moment of victory. “Sex. Quick, pumpkin. Let’s go.”
There was laughter and drinks and food and music.
Lots of music. Most of my friends were swinging single, living their best lives.
Going to parties and having fun being free.
It was interesting to be around a slightly older group who were all coupled up.
Back when we were together, I’d enjoyed having a partner most of the time.
Some of the time. Like Adam, he’d been my first real major important relationship.
I hadn’t lived with anyone else before. Not a someone I was in love with.
The more I thought about it, the more I wondered why I’d never told him I loved him. Maybe I didn’t feel safe enough in the relationship. Certain enough of his attention and intentions. I didn’t know.
He sat on the floor near Jimmy and David, a guitar in his lap. As Mal had said, despite being about to start his first European tour, he did indeed look relaxed and happy. And he kept looking at me. Swift glances to keep checking on me. To ensure I was okay and having fun.
“What’s your next album going to be about?” asked Ben, Tommy gently being rocked to sleep in his arms.
Jimmy quirked a brow. “You’ve done the brokenhearted rage thing. What’s next?”
Adam shot a look my way and I made sure to be busy inspecting my nails.
Definitely not listening into anyone’s conversation because…
rude. He swallowed. “Wrote a love song this morning. Kind of more upbeat but with a blues background. Feels like that’s going to set the tone for things on the new album. ”
“Sounds good,” said Jimmy.
A nod from David Ferris. “Can only write what you’re feeling.”
“I wanna do something different.” Adam picked out a melody on the acoustic guitar. “Going to give the other couple of rage songs I wrote to Martha to sell.”
“Good money in it if you’re not interested in releasing them yourself,” said Ben.
My heart, meanwhile, hammered inside my chest. Adam had written a love song this morning? Something upbeat?
His head turned to the side, his gaze sliding over me.
There was knowing in his eyes along with a question.
I hadn’t fooled him in the slightest. He knew I’d been listening and wanted to know my reaction.
Apparently, mouth gaping and eyes wide was good with him.
While I didn’t want this to mean anything, I couldn’t help but feel that it did.
Adam had written me a love song. Holy shit.
Just the fact turned my world upside down.
With a brief satisfied smile thrown in my direction, he turned back to his friends.
Okay then. No big deal.
Deep even breaths, that was the answer. When that didn’t work, I downed my half-glass of wine in one fell swoop. The man was pulling no punches. So walking away from him was going to be nigh-freaking-impossible this time around. Good to know.
With a faint smile, Ev reached over and patted my hand. “You okay?”
“He just…” Words. I had none.
“Yeah, I heard.”
Nice to know I hadn’t been the only one eavesdropping.
“It’s big, isn’t it? Looks like he’s throwing it all at your feet,” she said, tone low. Just between the two of us. “You just need to decide if you want it or not.”
I said nothing.
“It’s interesting. You have to be a certain kind of determined to make it in the music business,” she continued, calm as can be.
“I like seeing that focus and determination turned to other areas in their lives, you know? Can’t help but feel like it means good things. A well-rounded existence or something.”
“I don’t know what it means. But it’s freaking me the hell out.”
She grabbed the bottle of white wine out of a tub of ice on the coffee table and poured me a fresh glass. “To life and love.”
“I’ll drink to that.” Lena raised her glass.
Anne had gone to have sex and Lizzy was standing beside her husband, one hand resting on his shoulder. They were so obviously together. A unit. I didn’t need that. My life would go on regardless. But I wanted that with Adam. I think I always had.
Still strumming the guitar, he glanced my way once more. I’d never had so much of his attention. Before, there’d always been other things, more important things. Now he had everything except me and I got all of the devotion I could ask for. But how long would it last?
“To life and love,” I repeated and drank. What the hell?
Adam had no sooner gotten the front door open than I was on him, tearing at his shirt, unbuttoning his jeans.
“You want something, baby?” He laughed, kicking the door closed and ripping the shirt off over his head because he was helpful like that. A couple of buttons went flying, but whatever. The boy could always buy himself more.
I had no time for words. Discussion was not required. Besides which, further talk would only complicate matters. Sex, however, could be remarkably simple. And fun.
“How drunk are you?” he asked, toeing off his boots.
“The buzz from your famous friend’s expensive booze is starting to wear off, so hurry up.”
He grinned. “Got it.”
Goddammit. His smile was so potent. The joy in his beautiful face was sheer bliss. I couldn’t not smile back at him, couldn’t resist. But I could grab his hand and drag him into the bedroom at light speed because…priorities.
“Get naked,” I ordered, half twisting to undo the zipper on the back of my fancy dress and get free of the gorgeous thing. Same went for the tiny fancy underwear and chunky ass designer combat boots. While I wanted to be buried in the outfit, right now, it all needed to be gone.