Chapter 6
Christian
Isigned up for the gym in town last week—the one Julian owns.
The gym became the alternative for drinking and other reckless things I rather not think about. And I’m fairly certain it’s the only reason I look like this.
On particularly rough days, I would spend hours in the gym—much longer than necessary. Sometimes it wasn’t enough, and sometimes I was scared to go home because I knew what would happen.
I would wallow in self pity, in my sadness, and think about her, and want a drink so it could stop. It was unhealthy, all of it, I know. It got better eventually, with some therapy and rehab. And now I can’t go more than two days without a workout. But I suppose it’s a good habit, right?
It’s better than being shitfaced and waking up in a pool of your own vomit.
I’m also here to give Lana space. I know she hates me in her driveway, invading her space. Trespassing on her property and all, but if it weren’t for her I don’t think I would have come back or recovered at all. I would have allowed myself to die and begged them to let me.
I feel like I haven’t been able to breathe since last night.
I kissed her the way her lips were meant to be kissed—the way we’ve always kissed—and brought her inside. I sat her down on that table and didn’t want anything else but to kiss her and hold her.
I didn’t want to take off her clothes for any reason other than to feel her skin on mine. I wanted to remember what it was like to feel like we were one person, one entity that would never be separated.
I had her once. She was mine and I loved her more than I ever loved anything. She was mine and I would have—still would—taken a bullet for her. Torn the world to shreds, burn it to nothing. She wouldn’t even have to say please or ask.
But today, I’m here with the guys who insisted on me running them through my usual workout for push day, and they’re all dying already.
“You guys are pathetic,” I laugh at them.
Julian comes toward us in the corner in a tight t-shirt and his sleeve of tattoos. “Ladies.”
“Shut up,” Nico grumbles.
Julian chuckles. “I see you’ve ruined them.”
“They can’t keep up, not my problem.” I shrug. “How are you, man? How’s Grace?”
Julian rolls his lips, nodding. “She’s good, yeah.”
I hate seeing him like this. “She’s cute.”
He shakes his head, frowning. “She looks like Haley.”
“She looks like you,” I say. “Spitting image.”
Julian doesn’t say anything else, so I let us sit in silence for a bit.
Then he nods and crosses his arms over his chest. His girlfriend passed away three years ago after childbirth, and he doesn’t talk about it—their relationship was messy and complicated.
He uses his gym and spending time with his daughter as his therapy.
They are still better habits than my old ones though, so it isn’t my place to tell him if it’s right or wrong.
“Whatever,” he mumbles. “Anyway, I have a ring upstairs if you wanna give it a go one day. Whenever these idiots get their shit together.”
“Shut up, man,” Rowan calls out. “You’re both athletic.”
“We played on the same soccer team,” Nico says, and Luca, who is a firefighter, snickers.
“And obviously, I did not stick with it.”
The rest of us chuckle and get on to finish our workout.
Julian joins for a couple sets, staying mostly silent as he usually does.
The rest of the guys chatter away but as the workout comes to an end, I realize that I have nowhere to go after this.
I have to shower here before I go because I haven’t been let into Lana’s house.
It’s a punishment I deserve, I know. I packed and left. Disappeared. I pretty much asked for this treatment the moment I crossed state lines.
The workout is over too quickly, and I’ve been here for two hours. In the locker room, the guys, all but Julian, grab their bags to go, but I stay back. I sit on the bench and weigh my options.
I could shower and go around town just to sweat under the summer sun. Or I could stay here and work myself dry.
I was lonely for so many years.
I was walking around dead inside and looked for ways that would make me feel alive.
And right now, in this town, where she isn’t particularly excited to see me, I feel that all over again.
I stuff my bag back into the locker and head upstairs to Julian’s ring. I grab a pair of punching gloves and claim a bag for myself.
Punch after punch after punch.
I see glimpses of my fathers face in my mind. All the times he’d punched me and kicked me and slapped me. All the times he’d called me a worthless piece of shit. A disappointment. The time he told me my mother should have aborted me when she had the chance.
Then I think about the things I’ve done. The ways I’ve hurt Lana and hurt myself.
I hated that I still loved her while I was making a mess of things—I did not deserve to keep loving her.
I hated that I couldn’t get her out of mind or stop seeing her face and hearing her voice.
I hated that I couldn’t just cut that piece of my brain out because maybe…
I don’t know, maybe it would have made it easier.
I hated that they made me leave her.
I think about that instead. The way my mother treated Lana. The way she treated me and acted like I owed her my life. The way my mother turned a blind eye to my father’s violence. Cowards. Both of them.
A drop of sweat rests on my lashes now, weighing down my eye, and that’s when I relent. I stop my abuse on the punching bag, panting and soaked.
“Who hurt you?”
I turn and find Julian against the railing at the stairs with his arms crossed. “How much time do you have?”
Julian laughs, but it’s sad. He was my best friend before I disappeared, and I wasn’t here for him when Grace was born or when he lost Haley. “I thought rehab fixed that.”
I chuckle and sit on a bench, stripping off the gloves. They’re mine now at this point with how much sweat is inside of them. “I thought therapy fixed you.”
He rolls his eyes and joins me. “Touché.”
I exhale heavily, leaning forward with my forearms on my knees and still catching my breath. Sweat is dripping from my hair and the ache in my muscles still isn’t enough.
But I get serious for a moment and ask, “You good, Julian?”
He doesn’t speak.
“Julian.”
“Yeah,” he rasps.
“You didn’t answer my question down there,” I say. “How are you?”
He stares at a spot on the ground for a moment before he finally says, “Getting there.”
“I’m sorry.” I frown, wishing I could do more for him. “You’ll get there, you know. Not today or tomorrow, but you will.”
“You sound very post-rehab right now,” Julian jokes, chuckling.
I huff a laugh. “Yeah, it sounded weird didn’t it?”
Julian leans forward and takes the same position as me. “I don’t know, man,” he laughs sadly.
“What don’t you know?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know if I’ll make it.”
“Don’t talk like that, man.”
Julian shakes his head, pushing his hand through his hair. “Don’t take this too personal,” he mutters, “but I kind of missed you.”
I snort. “Lost my way a bit without you too.”
“I can tell.”
Julian was the only person I really spoke to while in New York. Iin rehab, he’d call and check in, and I’d call back. He’d send pictures of Grace when she was born saying I had to get my shit together to see my niece.
“I lost my way too, I guess,” Julian exhales heavily. “I’m just fucking exhausted.”
Julian was the only other person I could talk to about my depression, we were going through it at the same time.
He is still grieving and he is a single father, running this gym, and it’s a lot.
But he was and still is the only other person who gets the dark shit that went on in my head.
Now, it seems similar things are going through his head again.
“Julian, have you…spoken to somebody?”
He shakes his head. “No, but I probably should, I know.”
“For your sake,” I say. “And for Grace’s.”
“For Grace,” he echoes.
I nod. “Does she know? Or at least…have you tried…”
“I don’t know how. How do you tell your three year old that their mom died giving birth to them? How do people to do it? Because I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.”
“It’s fucked up,” I mutter, shaking my head. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugs. “I’ll just figure it out eventually.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here,” I murmur. “I didn’t want to leave.”
“I know,” he says. “Your dad was an asshole.”
I huff. “Trust me, I know.”
Julian had seen the abuse firsthand, and instead of making me feel embarrassed in front of him, he helped me. He was the one who helped me before I met Lana.
I left too much of myself behind and I forgot who I was when I got to New York. I think I miss my old self more than ever these past few days—aside from the addictions.
“I get it,” Julian sighs. “You had to do what you had to do. But the way you left was still shitty. I mean, Lana, Christian? Lana.”
I shake my head grimacing. “I know.”
“You don’t know, though, Christian,” he hisses.
“Out of everyone… You should have seen it, man. She was a zombie for, like, the first year. Every time I saw her she looked like she’d just been crying.
Eventually, I just thought that was what she looked like.
There was a time when the town didn’t see her for almost a month. ”
“Julian…”
“Look, I get it, Christian. I mean well, I promise,” he says. “You had things to take care of, responsibilities you didn’t want were given to you anyway. I know what that’s like. I love Grace, I do. I just didn’t expect to do it all alone. Fuck, I don’t even know what the fuck you’re CEO of now—”
“It’s a—”
“I don’t care.”
I snort and he laughs. I mutter, “Dick.”
“I’m just saying, if you’re here to make amends… Don’t worry about me.”
“You were my brother, Julian.”
“I am your brother,” he says. “Thick and thin, you know that.”
I nod.
Julian hits my knee with his. “Proud of you, by the way. For doing it on your own.”
Frowning, I nod. “Thanks.”
“Now go shower, you fucking stink. And take those gloves, they’re yours now.”
“Ass.”
“Shower and let’s go get lunch with Grace, yeah?”
I nod, grabbing my stuff, and head for the shower.
“Christian!” She laughs loudly, the sound brighter than sunshine. “Christian! I can’t breathe! Stop tickling me!”
I only relent to bend and throw her over my shoulder. She’s laughing breathlessly and smacking at my lower back and backside. “Christian! The water’s cold!”
“No it’s not, it’s fine,” I tell her and give her ass a tap. Taking another quick peek, I sigh and tug at her bottoms to cover more skin. “Mine.”
“You territorial monster!”
“I’m not going to throw you in.”
“Yes you are, I know you!”
It’s hot today, the sun burning through my skin, but it’s a perfect beach day for us. I kidnapped her in the morning, told her to put on her bathing suit, and whisked her away with a picnic basket filled with her favorite foods.
“It’s hot!” I try to convince her to swim with me. “And you smell like sweat.”
I hear her gasp and she pinches my ass cheek enough to make me squeak. So I smack hers lightly, only earning a laugh. “Christian! I swear I’ll drown you if you throw me in!”
“Geronimo!”
I’m pulled out of my dream with heavy pounding. I’m still curled up in my car. In her driveway.
At least I am as consistent as I am persistent. I just don’t appreciate being pulled out of that memory.
My neck is stiff and stuck in its bent position, my back aches and my legs need more room. Regardless, I sit up and squint at the bright light pointed right at me. I push the button to turn on the car, the engine alone probably waking up the entire neighborhood, so I can lower the window.
“Hello,” I rasp.
“You’re trespassing, sir. I’m going to have to arrest you.”
I clear my throat. “I—”
“I just wanted to scare him, Raymond,” Lana chuckles from somewhere behind the flashlight.
“Sheriff Jeffords?”
“I would say good to see you, son,” Raymond says. “But you look like shit.”
Lana snickers loudly, doing nothing to hide her enjoyment.
“Charming as ever, Raymond,” I groan.
The flashlight clicks off and I’m met with the sheriff's bright, white smile. He stands and turns to Lana as my eyes adjust to the night. “You torturing him by having him sleep out here?”
She shrugs, half smiling. “Something like that.”
“Want me to arrest him?”
Lana smiles, biting her lip, and steals a glance at me. Basking in my suffering and groveling, no doubt. “No, he’s harmless.”
“Alright then, Lana,” Raymond laughs huskily. “I’ll see you tomorrow for my morning coffee.”
She smiles at him, a real one, and waves. “See you in the morning!”
He drives off and I get out of my car, slamming my door. I push my fingers through my hair and scratch my head with a groan, finally stretching my legs. “Was that necessary?”
The smile drops and she crosses her arms. “Yes.”
“Lana.”
“Why are you still sleeping in my driveway, Christian?”
“Honest answer?”
“Preferably.”
“Okay,” I sigh. “Marilyn kicked me out of the B&B.”
“Good for her.”
“And this is the only way I can be close to you without being far, I guess.”
“It’s trespassing.”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
“Christian, you—”
“Lana, I just… want you,” I breathe, pained. “Okay? If this is as close as you let me be to you all year, I’ll take it, but I’m not leaving.”
“You say that now,” she mumbles.
I sigh. “Lana.”
“Is it so bad that I don’t trust you? Can you blame me?”
“No,” I say. “I can’t blame you, you’re right. You can’t trust me and you don’t have any reason to anymore, but I’m not leaving.”
“We’ll see,” Lana says before she turns away.
“You will!” I shout as she walks up the stairs of her porch.
“Shut up before I have you arrested for public disturbance!”
“Worth it!”
I don’t miss the small smile on her face before she closes the door.