Chapter 38 Kai
Kai
As soon as we’re out of Rooke’s line of sight, I shove Haven away from me. I wasn’t about to let her linger back there—fuck knows what he’d have done to her—but I’m not on babysitting duty, either, and right now I have a class to skip, a fat blunt to smoke, and a sixer that needs consuming, pronto.
“Kai!”
I ignore her, striding down the hall with my skin crawling, shame burning through me like battery acid. The lingering taste of coffee and spearmint gum and him makes me want to scrub my tongue with steel wool.
The fact that I recognize his taste has me seconds away from puking.
“Kai!” Haven calls out behind me, but I’m already halfway down the hall, desperate to put as much distance between me and what just happened as possible.
I push through a cluster of students, glaring at them when they protest.
Need to get away.
Need to wash my mouth out.
Need to fucking breathe.
“God, Kai, stop!”
She’s faster than I remember. As I reach the stairs, Haven grabs my arm and yanks me into the landing’s alcove.
I growl at her, but she just plants herself in front of me, hands on her hips, blocking my escape. I keep my face blank, my breathing shallow, but she’s got her panties in a bunch and won’t let it go.
“What the hell was that?”
“The fuck did it look like?” I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, looking everywhere except at her. “I made sure he won’t bother us again.”
“I felt you,” she hisses, blue eyes narrowing. “Both of you.”
My head snaps up. “Yeah? Bet you liked it, you fucking sl—”
“Fuck you!” She shoves me hard enough that my back hits the wall.
“Jesus, Haven, I did what I had to do, okay? How about a, ‘thank you, Kai,’ you ungrateful bi—“
Her slap cuts me off.
I turn my head back to face her, fingering the hot handprint on my cheek. “Should try out for the baseball tea—”
She tries to slap me again, but I catch her wrist, yank her around, and shove her into the wall. The next class has already begun, but there’s still a chance someone might walk past. So I huddle in close, caging her in with my forearms in the shadow of the alcove’s bookshelf.
Her eyes widen, but her jaw clenches a moment later.
“Forget what you saw,” I hiss. “What you think you felt. It’s over, okay? Just let it go.”
She glances away as she laughs, the sound sharp and disbelieving. “Let it go? After what just happened? After what he did to me? After what you both did to me?”
“Haven, listen to me. You don’t know what Rooke is capable of. What he’s been doing—“
“Are you kidding me?” she snaps. “Of course I do!”
“No, you don’t understand. He—“
“Oh, so now you guys are best buddies or something? That what this is? You two sharing tips on how to fuck with me? Or are you two just plain fucking?”
“That’s not fair,” I snarl, anger flaring hot in my chest. “I didn’t have a fucking choice back there.”
Her eyes narrow. “I felt your dick, Kai. That wasn’t fear making you hard.”
My face burns. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t I?” She tilts her head, eyes suddenly cold and calculating. “Because that kiss sure as fuck—”
I grab her throat before I can stop myself. “Shut the fuck up,” I hiss. “You have no idea what’s going on.”
She doesn’t flinch, doesn’t look away. Just glares at me with those fierce blue eyes. Eyes that always saw right through me.
“No. I don’t,” she says. “So why don’t you tell me?”
The fight drains out of me. I let go of her throat, running a hand through my hair. But I don’t step back. Don’t release her.
“Rooke’s...got something on me.”
It’s not a total lie. But it’s not the whole truth either.
“What?” she asks, voice softer now. “What does he have on you?”
I look away, unable to meet her eyes. “It’s complicated.”
“Uncomplicate it.”
“I can’t.” I let out a frustrated growl. “Please, just trust me when I say he won’t bother us again.”
“Oh-ho, trust you, Mr. Bring It On I’ve Got a Fucking Lifeboat Now?” She chuckles dryly. “I wouldn’t trust you to piss on me if I was on fire!”
“Haven—” I reach up to touch her face, but she knocks my hand away and then starts counting on her fingers.
“You choked me on the first day of class. Spat on me. Made me blow you in the library. Fingered me against a tree while you choked me, again. Then you held me down for him so he could—”
Each accusation hits like a knee to the groin, but I hold her gaze as I cut in with a low, “I didn’t—“
“Don’t you dare say you didn’t mean it.” Her voice turns to acid. “You did mean it. Every disgusting, degrading thing you’ve done to me since I came back. You meant it all.”
I swallow hard, fighting the urge to wrap my fingers around her throat again, if only so she’ll stop fucking talking.
She’s right.
I did mean it.
Every single fucking second of it.
I couldn’t help it.
Her sweet sixteen was a fucking disaster, I’ll own that. I made a promise I couldn’t keep. But the day after I refused to sleep with her, she just up and disappears? Then I get one letter, one measly hateful letter, then she goes and ghosts me for three years.
And I could have forgiven her for all of it…if I hadn’t been so madly in love with her my entire fucking life.
It’s a whole other ball game when you can’t sleep because you’re wondering where she is. If she’s okay. If she’s even still alive.
…If it’s your fault she’s gone, because you made it impossible for her to stay.
So, yeah, I guess I should have been happy to see her the first day she strolled into AHC.
But it all just came rushing back.
The rage. The shame. The fucking guilt.
Kai Jordan can’t handle his emotions on a good day.
I’ve been reeling ever since she left. And when I saw her outside Rooke’s class that first day, the way her face lit up like none of it had affected her even a little…
Game over.
Now she’s glaring at me like she expects me to put all that shit into words…and I don’t even know where to fucking start.
“I’m sorry.” I clear my throat, try again. “I’m fucking sorry, okay?”
She stares at me with open disbelief. “Yeah, and?”
I know it’s not enough, but Jesus, she could at least fucking acknowledge—
“I’m fucking sorry! I was angry at you. I—I fucking hated you. But I didn’t want this.”
“You didn’t want what, Kai?” Her voice is sickly sweet as she arches against me, batting her eyelashes at me like we’re goddamn flirting. “Another man to hold me down while you fucked me? Or for me to get raped by our professor while I was unconscious? Which part are you most sorry for exactly?”
A muscle in my jaw tics as my hands curl into fists at my sides.
“I didn’t know that was going to happen,” I say, so quietly I’m not sure she can hear me.
“Which part, Kai?” she snaps.
My arms slide away from the wall, my eyes dropping.
“All of it, Heavenly. Fucking all of it.”
Her silence forces my gaze up.
Slack face.
Wide eyes.
She heard something in my voice—something I still can’t admit, even to myself.
I clear my throat again, but I still sound hoarse when I say, “Rooke won’t bother us again, because I’ve got something on him too.”
“Yeah? Like what?” She tilts her head, trying to look and sound unaffected, but we’ve known each other for too long.
It’s been years, but Little Miss Heavenly can still sense when I’m bleeding inside.
“I…” I glance around us, but the next class has begun and the halls are almost entirely cleared out. “I was there.”
She says nothing for a moment.
And Jesus, her silence is so fucking loud.
When she speaks, her voice is tight. “Where, Kai?”
“Your room. On Tuesday. I…I saw.” The words are sticking in my throat like a gassy sip of beer I can’t swallow.
“Saw what?” she asks carefully.
“Everything.” I lick my lips. “I…recorded it. That’s why he can’t touch us anymore. If he so much as looks in our direction—“
“Recorded it,” she repeats.
I have to force myself to make eye contact. Her gaze is unfocused, her lips parted. Her chest is rising and falling like she just stopped in the middle of a sprint.
“You were there, and you recorded it,” she says, like she’s trying to get the words to make sense.
“Yes, but—”
“You filmed him raping me.”
Fuck me, it sounds a thousand times worse out loud than it did in my mind.
“Don’t you get it? It’s our way out of this fucked up—“
“You could have stopped him.” She blinks, and just like that, her eyes are luminous with unshed tears. “You could have…” she trails off, shaking her head so hard one of those tears spill down her cheek.
“I know. And I’m sorry. I should have—“
“You fucking coward.” The words shake as they leave her trembling mouth.
“Haven, please—”
She shoves past me, shoulder knocking against mine. “Fucking coward!”
“Where are you going?”
“As far away from you as I can!” she yells, heading straight for the exit without looking back.
“Will you just listen to me?”
I race down the stairs after her, grabbing her arm.
“Let go!” She yanks at her arm, but I just tighten my grip.
“This is exactly what he wants. We need to stick together, not—”
“We don’t gotta do fucking nothing,” she says, punching me in the side.
When I ignore the jab of pain, she drags her feet like a four-year-old.
“Could you just—” I try to lift her off the floor, but she’s squirming around too much. The student liaison, Nora, has her back to us, but I swear if she looks in our direction, she’ll be on the phone to campus security.
Something makes me look over my shoulder.
Rooke, satchel in hand and wearing a quizzical smile, is making his way down the stairs after us.
Jesus, this feels like a fucking horror movie.
Taking a sharp turn, I angle us toward the library. I can’t let Nora spot me manhandling Haven like this, and I don’t dare release her with Rooke a few yards away.
En route, I try to reason with one very pissed off girl.
“Look, I’m not the fucking enemy here—“
She glares up at me as I drag her toward the library. “That’s exactly what you are, you delusional fucking asshole! Now let. Me. Go!”