10. Chapter 9
Chapter 9
Savannah
A fter getting home, I rush to get Kenzi ready for bed, needing alone time. Time to break down and cry. I can’t believe how badly I freaked out at Kate’s dinner. They must think I’m a lunatic and an unfit mother. I wish I could control my panic and fear around men. Eventually, my tear-stained cheeks dry, and I know I’ve cried myself out.
Once I calm my racing heart and steady my trembling hands, I gingerly reach for the burner phone Olivia gave me. The smooth surface feels cool against my sweaty palms as I dial her number, my breath hitching in anticipation. Knowing I’m not supposed to use this phone unless something happens, I can’t help but call my only friend. I need to connect with someone who knows I’m not insane. The sound of the dial tone echoes in my ears, a steady rhythm that matches the pounding in my chest.
Finally, Olivia’s voice fills the line, a comforting melody that washes over me like a soothing balm. “Savannah, are you okay? Is Kenzi okay?” Her words wrap around me like a warm embrace, offering solace in a world that feels cold and uncertain.
“We’re fine,” I reply, my voice shaky with emotion. “I just… I just needed someone to talk to.” The relief in my words is palpable, a release of pent-up tension that has been building inside me.
Olivia sighs at the other end, and her voice fills with empathy. “Aw, honey.” Her words carry a hint of understanding, as if she knows the weight that has been pressing down on my shoulders.
As I pour out my heart, recounting the awkwardness of Kate’s dinner and the uncomfortable dynamic between Declan and me, Olivia listens intently.
“Have you thought that maybe the tension between you and this guy is something other than him hating you?” Her words hang in the air, a gentle suggestion that carries the weight of possibility.
I pause, letting her words sink in. The room feels suffocating, the air heavy with the feeling of uncertainty. “What else can it be, Liv?” I ask, my voice filled with doubt and confusion.
“Honey, you are a beautiful woman,” Olivia replies reassuringly. “What if it’s sexual tension?”
I gasp, the sound catching in my throat. The idea seems preposterous, almost laughable. “ Oh my God, Liv. It’s not that,” I protest, my voice tinged with embarrassment. “The man thinks I’m a basket case, and he’s not wrong. I’m a mess.”
Silence settles between us; a heavy pause filled with unspoken truths. I can still feel the weight of my panic attack, the raw vulnerability that left me exposed. The image of Kate, her sons, and Kenzi at the dinner table flashes in my mind, a scene that triggered my unraveling. The emotions are still fresh, a vivid tapestry of fear and insecurity clings to me like a second skin.
“Savannah, you have been through so much. That jackass Derek has traumatized and beat you down until you thought there was something wrong with you. Sweetheart, it’s not you. It was him. Being scared is a normal reaction for someone who has been through such a horrible situation. It’s also normal for a hot lumberjack to be attracted to you.”
“I can assure you he hates me,” I deadpan. “Olivia, my minutes are almost out on this burner phone, and I need to keep some in case of an emergency. I just really miss you.”
“I miss you too. You need an actual phone so we can talk. How does Kenzi’s sitter get in touch with you?” “Kate calls the diner if she needs me while I’m at work. I just haven’t had the money to waste on a regular cell phone. They are so expensive. I’ll find the money to get one, don’t worry. Love you. Talk soon.” Hanging up with my only friend, I feel better for speaking to her.
As I sit and think about what happened today, cuddled up on the old threadbare couch, my eyes feel heavy with exhaustion. Today has emotionally drained me.
Deciding to go get ready for bed, I grab a quick shower and crawl under the covers, hoping I sleep tonight. Closing my eyes, I drift off.
“No. Derek, no, please. No.”
“This is exactly why I didn’t want this fucking kid. You give her more attention than you do me. What the fuck do I want the little sniveling bitch around for? It’s more money I have to spend. And time; time that you aren’t taking care of me. You only care about the brat. Fuck this!”
Derek comes towards me as I stand in the middle of our bedroom. He rears back and his fist comes flying towards me. With a direct blow to my face, I am knocked back into the wall before my body slides down to the floor. The pain in my eye socket throbs. Oblivious to my distress, Derek picks up his foot and kicks me in the ribs.
Gasping for air, I feel the sharp sting of Derek’s kick radiate through me, causing a wave of agony to course through my body. Each breath becomes a struggle, as the weight of his attack presses down on my chest, leaving me wheezing and vulnerable on the floor.
As the pain intensifies, my vision blurs, tears welling up in my injured eye. The room spins around me, and I reach out, grasping onto the wall for support, desperate to regain my footing.
But Derek isn’t done. With a twisted rage flashing in his eyes, he advances towards me once more. Fear courses through my veins, fueling my fight-or-flight response. I muster every ounce of strength I have left, pushing myself up against the wall, determined not to let him break me.
“Fucking lazy bitch. Worthless fat whore.”
After kicking me several more times, he fists a handful of my hair and jerks my head back, spitting in my face. I can already feel my eye swelling closed where he punched me.
“You make me sick, Savannah. You’re disgusting and not worth my time. You, at least, were a good fuck before you got those ugly stretch marks, but now you’re just gross. All you do is eat, sleep, and take care of that kid.” He shoves his meaty hand in my face, banging my head against the wall again as he leaves.
As I slip in and out of consciousness, I hear my baby crying. Hoping and praying that Derek doesn’t go in there and hurt her, I try to wake myself up. My head feels foggy and I’m aching all over. It hurts to breathe and I’m only able to see out of one eye.
A suffocating sensation has me sitting bolt upright and gasping for air. Sweat glistens on my skin, and my hair is sticking to my forehead and neck. My heart is pounding, and I’m confused. As I notice my surroundings, I realize I had fallen asleep, and I was dreaming. Derek isn’t here. I’m safe. Kenzi is safe. I’m here in the mountains, away from the hell that was my marriage. It was all just a nightmare. I have them often, and Kenzi even has a few. She’s terrified Daddy is going to come and hurt Mommy again.
Blowing out a shaky breath I wonder when we will ever feel safe again? When can I relax and stop making all the tough decisions? It feels like a pipe dream, but for once, I just want to let go and not have to worry.
Knowing I won’t be able to go back to sleep, I allow myself to imagine what it would feel like to have someone who would take care of me and Kenzi.