Chapter 14
Fourteen
Rafael
It killed me to get off the phone with him.
To come up with some bullshit excuse not to go over when there was nothing I wanted more.
The sadness in his tone tugged at my fucking heart, and I was so glad I was unable to see his face in that moment.
I could still go. I know where he is. I know where both of his houses are thanks to the packages he showed me being addressed to both.
But then I pull up several articles about the deaths of old army buddies, and they add up to the number of times I’ve had to burn or bury bloody clothes or bags, and I remember exactly why I can’t go.
I’ve already been a part of his life too much as it is. I’m dreaming about him, waking up in the park I met him at, and sleeping in front of his cabin. I pinch the bridge of my nose and let Huey out of his kennel. He spins around in circles, huffing at my leg.
“Sorry I was gone so long, buddy. Must have been a good chunk of the night and morning for you to be this excited to see me.”
He rushes to the door, looking up at his hanging leash, and I laugh. “I’m coming. Give me a minute to use the restroom and down one of these cans.” I shake the bag in my arm. “And I’ll be ready to go.”
He makes a disapproving noise and I laugh, my chest lightening a little.
The tightness is back the moment I see the empty Christmas tree my next door neighbor made me take last weekend.
It reminded me of him. All things having to do with this holiday and joy do.
Henry is all good and sweet. I’m the nightmare who doesn’t even know when he’s coming to haunt you while you’re awake and I’m dead asleep.
***
Huey and I return from our walk. He shakes off the flurries we got caught under on the way back and runs straight to his bed by the fireplace lifting his head at it.
“Is this your way of telling me I need to make it warmer in here?”
He grunts and I chuckle, going to turn the gas on.
I add more logs once I get more than a spark going, pushing it with the poker until the flames are big enough.
Rubbing my hands together, I close my eyes and breathe in the intoxicating scent of burning wood.
One of my favorite smells of winter. I open my eyes again when my phone goes off, my pulse settling when I see it’s my mom.
“Hola.”
“Hola, mijo. How is my eldest son?”
“I’m doing okay. Trying to stay warm tonight. Huey and I got to witness the first bit of snow of the season.”
“Is what your brother says true? Are you really not coming for Christmas?”
I frown. “No, alma. I’m sorry but I have too much to get done here.”
“Like what? Walk your pig ten times a day?”
“Yes, amongst other things. Like lots of volunteer work.” Trying not to wake in a certain someone’s bed and having to replace my tires for the second time this year.
“We miss you and we’d love to have you here. It feels like it’s been way too long.”
“Only a little over a year.”
“Like I said, too long.”
I give a short laugh. “I’ll be there next year, I promise.”
“Is this because of Rory?”
“Not just him. A small town like that never forgets when someone gets arrested for breaking and entering. Besides, he’s now moved in with his new fiancé and no longer lives there.”
“Who told you that? Yes, he moved, but not to a new town. He lives across the way in his parents’ old house now. They bought it six months ago. He tells me hi every morning he sees me, but I can tell it’s only to be nice. That other man doesn’t even look our way.”
“Derick told me. And what do you mean he lives across the street?” Why would he do that? He knows I can’t go within a certain distance of him, and he chose to move close to my family anyway? Maybe he does want me to lose everything after all.
“We weren’t very happy about it either, but we try to be civil as best we can. We talked about what we’d do if you came. Your brother got a house out in the countryside and we could celebrate there. He said you’re welcome to stay with him anytime.”
That doesn’t make me feel much better. “So, I can basically never go home again? Never visit my old room? What if Papi’s health worsens?”
“Aye, mijo. We can figure it all out as we go, we just don’t want you out there all alone. Not only for the holidays but in general.”
“Yeah, I know.” I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to even my breathing. “And I said I’ll come visit next year, or it might be easier if I buy you all tickets to come out here to me.”
“That could be nice. Last time we were there, we barely had time to tour the town.”
“And next time I’ll make sure you do.”
“Oralé, we can talk about it again later. Your dad isn’t too big a fan of going too far these days.”
“I’ll fly you first class with lots of legroom and free lobster.”
She laughs. “It does all sound really nice, so we’ll see. We love you very much, and if it is truly what you need, we will try to meet you halfway in whatever way you need us to.”
“Okay. Huey and I are about to have dinner so I’ll talk to you again later this week.”
“Adios, hijo.”
“Bye, Ma.”
Hanging up the phone, I strip out of my shirt and my phone buzzes from my bedroom nightstand while I’m washing my face.
I rinse my hands in the sink and wipe them on my pants as I rush to see who it is.
It’s him. He’s asking me to accept a video chat.
I can’t. I know I said I’d still help him, but I need a little time to think things over first.
The phone keeps going off, and turning away from it doesn’t stop me from hearing how it shakes on my dresser.
I tug at my hair and try to walk away, but I can’t move from where I am.
It stops and my stomach plummets when I look back and don’t see his name anymore.
As I’m on my way to the kitchen to distract myself with food it vibrates again, and without a second thought, I jump to answer it with worry brewing in my chest. He must really need help to have called back-to-back like that.
What if he’s badly hurt or close to injuring himself and I continue to ignore him?
That guilt is almost as bad as the amount I have for letting him get this close to begin with.
I’m about to say, “What’s wrong,” but then my words get trapped at the back of my throat as his writhing body fills the screen.
His chest lifts to the sky like a prayer and he’s pumping his hips.
Moaning, he lifts enough for me to see the purple dildo on the floor. The one we ordered.
Slamming his hips down, he strokes both of his nipples and mutters my name.
Is that what happened? He was imagining me touching him and said my name causing his phone to dial me.
It’s resting on what I think might be a pillow, and the only reason it would be is because .
. . My thoughts vanish when he blinks his eyes.
His body slows down and then he goes still, sweat gathering between his pecs.
Reaching for his phone, he says, “Play video.” He repeats himself and then lets out a frustrated growl.
His cock is as flushed as the rest of him with an angry purple, swollen head.
I can’t stop watching. I need to stop watching.
To turn the phone off and pretend this never happened to save him from more embarrassment.
“Alexa, play the video.”
“Video can’t play while there’s a video call in progress,” a female robotic voice says.
His mouth falls open, face going stark white. “Video call with who?”
My chest caves and I can’t speak. Say something Raf. Anything. Maybe he didn’t save my number to his phone yet.
“You are on call with Raf. Would you like to end the call?”
“I . . . Raf?”
“Hi, Honey. I think you might have called me by mistake, but I wanted to stay on just to make sure. I’m sorry, I should have hung up.”
“How long have you been there?” His eyes grow bigger, his words wavering.
“A while. For however long it’s been since you heard the video you were watching playing. What were you watching by the way?”
“None of your business,” he says lower than a whisper.
I smirk. “Doesn’t sound like it was a Christmas movie. Unless it was one with lots of good kisses and cock cages.”
“Raf. You’re supposed to be busy helping a friend. You asked for a rain check, which is usually done on a different day, and this isn’t what I had in mind.”
“You’re right, and I shouldn’t even schedule a rain check with you because you should be watching movies with guys more worthy of your time and screaming their names.”
“Is this one of those ‘it’s not me, it’s you’ conversations, because if so, I don’t want to hear any more. It’s my fault for seeing things wrong. It’s a habit of mine.”
“Is it really, or did some idiot make you feel that way? And it really isn’t you. You’re wonderful and . . . and fucking gorgeous.” My eyes fall between his legs and slowly make their way back to his eyes.
His cheeks grow redder and he moves his hands in front of his groin, his jaw tightening. “I’m still naked.”
“Yes, and your hands might be hiding your cock, but I can still see the dildo going into your ass.”
His face turns to a statue, lips twitching, and then he bursts into laughter. Bringing one hand to his mouth, he shakes his head and moves out of view of the camera.
“Hey, where’d you go?”
“To put a shirt and shorts on.” He’s wearing a white shirt and short gray shorts when he’s back in front of the camera. I can still see the shape of his erection through the thin material. He really has no idea what he’s doing to me.
“That’s too bad. I was enjoying talking to you without them on.”
He hides his smile behind his hand and rolls his eyes. “Did you want a movie rain check, or not?”
“I don’t know.”
“Stop thinking about what you think is the right thing and tell me what you want.”
“I want to be right with you in that bed. To be lying where that dildo was on the floor. I want . . .” I lick my lips. “I want to show you what I think happens when movies fade to black.”
“Then come do it.” His voice comes out in pants. “You want my shirt off again, come take it off.”
“And what if, when it’s time for me to go, I want to put that cock cage on you until the next time I see you again?”
“You won’t know unless you hurry over here, will you?”
“No . . . no, I guess I won’t. I want to, Honey. I really, really do but—”
“But nothing. I need you to come assist me with something. It can’t be done on the phone. You don’t want me to go without the help I need, do you?”
“No, sweetheart, I don’t but—”
“Stop with the buts and come help me finish what I didn’t get to with a certain purple toy.”
“You’re too damn tempting.”
He lifts his shirt, stroking his belly with arousal heavy in his eyes. “Please.”
“You’re so pretty when you beg.”
“Please,” he says before moaning and positioning himself on his knees. He breaks his thighs apart and the head of his cock hangs out the side of his shorts.
“Say it some more.”
“I need you here, please.”
“Not yet. We should know more about each other first.”
“Like what?” He sits up straighter.
“Everything. The good. The bad. All the skeletons in the closet. Big and small.”
His eyes squint. “I don’t really have any skeletons that aren’t in the shape of ex-boyfriends.”
My laughter tickles my lips. “I have a few.”
A muscle moves in his throat and he lowers his shirt back down. “I’m sure it’s not as bad as you make it sound.”
“Are you?”
“Yeah, and the past is the past. Everyone has one.”
“Sure they do, but you don’t want my past to come back and haunt you.”
“This have to do with the military?” His expression grows serious.
My teeth grind together. “Kind of.”
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, or I can wait for whenever you’re ready.”
“I have to go.” I hang up the phone and drop it onto my bed.
I scrub at my face and sink down on the mattress.
He forgave me the first time I was eager to get off the phone with him.
What are the chances he’ll forgive me again?
No new calls come for the rest of the night. No new messages either. No more Henry.
While finishing my second Red Bull, I go to the couch and search through all the streaming services until I find something I can stand having on as background noise while I read.
I grab my book from the coffee table, and position it against my knees as I lean against one of the arms of the couch, propping a pillow behind my back.
The words grow smaller as I flip through each page, and they start to shake before going from blurry to black.
I blink my eyes open and go to the kitchen to splash my face with cold water before returning to where I was.
It only buys me another hour of wakefulness, and then I’m dozing off again. This time I’ve lost the fight against my darkness. What if it takes me so deep I can’t find my way out? What if it needs me to bring him with me?