Chapter 16
Sixteen
Rafael
Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. I rub at my eyes but my view doesn’t change.
I’m in his house, sitting in a teal chair in the corner of his room.
There’s movement under the blanket on the bed across the way.
My posture straightens when Henry’s face peeks out from the covers.
His eyes remain shut as his face rocks from side to side, and he’s mumbling something in his sleep.
His features go from neutral to strained as he pushes his hands out in front of him and says something about the icy roads. He’s dreaming about his accident, his face contorting as he screams, “No, no, no.”
It takes everything in me not to run to comfort him, to stroke his cheek and tell him I’m right here. But that’d only make matters worse. It would only make him feel better if he’d actually invited me to be here, if he actually wanted another presence in the room.
I push forward to the edge of the chair and slowly stand to my feet, my eyes never leaving him as I walk past his bed. I’m about to exit the room but my feet cement themselves to the ground when he says, “I’m sorry. It was my fault. I’m sorry.”
My heart pains me and I step closer to the bed.
I hate seeing him like this. I can’t leave him like this, can I?
I can’t stay either. I’m not supposed to be here.
I broke into his house and who knows how long I’ve been sitting in his room.
At least there’s no knife in my hand, or blood on me.
He’s breathing and very much alive. He also needs me.
I want to be here for him, but I can’t this way.
All I’d do is scare him and add another restraining order to my list if I took his hand.
Sweat breaks out on his brow and he shakes his head again, tears staining his cheeks.
As much as it kills me to do so, I force myself to leave the room and quietly exit the front door.
Bright light from the sky has me shielding my eyes and I look around, searching for my car.
It’s parked at the end of the long snow-covered driveway.
The weather is only supposed to get worse out here.
I can’t believe I drove all this way while sleeping.
This is the furthest away from home I’ve ever gone, and I did it to be where he was.
Even while unconscious I knew he needed me here.
I look back at the house one last time before climbing into my car. When I look at my phone the time reads later than expected. I haven’t gotten this much rest in a while. I actually slept, didn’t I? I parked myself in that chair and slept.
Strapping myself into my seatbelt, I turn the key in the ignition and my foot freezes on the brakes when “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” starts playing.
Smiling, I sing along, and my eyes lift to the rearview mirror as I imagine dancing in front of the tree.
I want to stay so badly, and I will when I come here on my terms. When I’m all the way coherent and he opens that door to let me in.
If I come here while awake and at my best, then maybe I’ll stop coming here when I’m at my worst.
***
Huey and I don’t go on our long walk today due to the freezing temperatures.
The wind chill picks up as we head back inside after I take him out to use the restroom.
I stare at my phone and go back to thinking of a way to apologize.
It was never my strong suit, and I’ve often found myself talking in circles and not making sense when I’ve tried.
Would he believe me if I said I didn’t want to hang up like I did?
Would he believe me if I said I wanted him so much that I could barely think of anything else?
That’s too much, isn’t it? Then again, that’s all part of being with someone like me. When I do something, it’s done with all of me. I want too much, I love too much, and I obsess too much.
I’ve been able to hide all the bad sides of me and bury them deep down inside.
All the angry and demented thoughts. All the built-up hate and what I truly want to do to anyone who hurts me or someone I love.
All my morals evidently go out the window when I close my eyes, though, and I do all the things that should remain as intrusive thoughts.
Except, what I keep doing to all my old friends makes zero sense to me.
Not once have I thought about killing them when awake. Why would I?
That remains the never-ending question, doesn’t it? Why?
My attention shifts when my phone goes off. I reach for it and my pulse beats in my ears. “Hi,” I say, answering quickly before either of us could change our mind.
“I cheated on you just before.”
My throat constricts, and when I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out.
He lets out a nervous laugh and says, “I needed the expiration date read on the milk and wasn’t ready to make this call yet.
Not sure I am now either. I think I’m sweating in my pits.
Oh my god, I don’t know why I said that out loud.
” He curses under his breath. “Forget everything I said and just forget this whole conversation ever happened.”
I laugh, leaning my hip against my kitchen bar. “I think it’s too late for that, and I’d rather not forget anything to do with you as long as it stays an option. And also, we haven’t really had a conversation yet. Two people would have to be talking for that to happen.”
“You hung up so fast yesterday.”
“I know and I’m sorry. I’ve just been such a mess, and I didn’t want you to be stuck in it too.”
“What kind of mess? I don’t exactly have my shit together over here, so maybe I can relate.”
“Maybe.” My lips curve. “I shouldn’t have ended the call like that. I shouldn’t have ended it at all. I didn’t want to.”
“You said there were some things I should know about you?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind of things?” He sounds pensive.
“I’ve been deployed three times. Each time had a huge effect on me, but especially the last time. I lost friends in more ways than one, and I lost a bit of myself too.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine. I think that’s all to be expected, though, after suffering that kind of trauma. If you want to talk more about it you can, but if you don’t, that’s fine too. We can always talk about something else while we make breakfast or watch a movie together.”
“I like the last two options best. It’ll help me know that we’re okay.”
“We are okay, but if you hang up on me like that again, I’ll make sure I pick the worst movie out there for you to describe to me. Maybe something like The Human Centipede.”
I scrunch my face up. “God, please don’t.” We both laugh. “My brother tried to get me to see that with him once and it was a big no for me.”
He laughs harder and it relaxes something inside me. “Lucky for you, I’m not so sure I could stomach it. Seeing Husk with my sister was enough body horror to last me a lifetime.”
“I bet. There’s enough terrible shit to see in the real world. I’m perfectly okay not adding that to it all.”
“Yeah, I agree. Chrystal loves that kind of stuff, though.”
“She’d get along with my brother and dad then.”
“Look, I know we’re close to a hundred phone calls, but I think it’s still a little soon for our families to be meeting.”
I swallow a laugh. “You think? What about moving in together because I packed my bags last night.”
We keep bantering back and forth before getting to serious conversation and he tells me more about his relationship with Travis.
He was always too good for that asshole.
He never deserved him. I don’t either, but it’s no longer going to stop me from having him anyway.
We haven’t reached the point of meeting each other’s family yet, but we are at a place where I’ve decided he’s mine. Only mine.
“Remember when I said I sleepwalk?”
“Yeah?”
“Well . . . I don’t ever remember what happens when I do, and I’ve woken up in some weird places before.”
“That sounds terrifying.”
“It has been. I’ve driven long distances too and had conversations with people I can’t recall.”
“Yeah, I don’t think I’d ever want to sleep if that was me. Sorry. Was that insensitive? I need to stop always saying what’s on my mind.”
“Not at all, and please don’t. I like how honest and real you are.”
“I can be all that in person too. Want to come over and see?”
“I do, but I think I should take you to dinner first.”
“Dinner?”
“Yeah. On an actual date. Then we can stop by that tall Christmas tree you’re supposed to show me.”
“Did I say that?”
“You did.”
“Then I guess it has to happen. When do you wanna pick me up?”
“Tomorrow at seven?”
“You already have dinner plans today?” There’s a slight tremble in his voice.
“No, but I thought maybe you wanted time to mull over some restaurant options.”
“I don’t need time. I know exactly where I want you to take me.”
“And where’s that?”
“Anywhere outside this damn cabin,” he sputters.
I smile. “Then text me the address and I’ll pick you up at seven.”
“You mean you didn’t write it down when you were helping me with my mail?” he teases, and I suck my teeth.
“No. That’s something someone would do in one of those movies we were talking about.”
His laughter is back and there’s a cute little snort in between. “I’ll text it to you in a few minutes. See you in a few hours.”
“See you then, Honey.”
***
I arrive in front of his house twenty minutes early and send him a message telling him to take his time. His porch light turns on and the door cracks open before closing again. My eyes stay on the front of the house until my phone vibrates.
“Need more time?” I ask.
“I . . . I did laundry and forgot to mark all the tags. I’m not sure what I’m putting on, and I really don’t want to walk out there in my pajamas or rainbow yoga pants.”
My stomach rumbles from laughter. “I don’t know, those rainbow pants sound like they could be a fun time.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, I don’t think I’m ready for all that attention when I’m sure enough people stare at me with my cane as it is.”