9. Ali
9
ALI
TWO WEEKS LATER…
I look up from my homework at the dark clouds hanging outside and the horrible rain that hasn’t stopped since I arrived here. My hands are shaking as I reach over to the nightstand and check the time on my phone.
It’s 7:45 p.m. Before I left Gatree, that would have meant Parker was either stalking me from outside or was sitting next to me on the couch at my or his apartment, me cuddled up with my head on his chest.
But now, I don’t have any idea what he’s doing.
And I’ll never know.
Now I’m in a cheap motel in Tunstead, Illinois, just under a five-hour drive from Gatree. I made the drive in one single night without stopping, tears pouring down my face like the rain flooding the windshield as I trekked down the highway through the horrendous storm.
I have no idea what my long-term plans are. I don’t even know how I’ll be able to survive out here on my own. Right now I’m taking my classes remotely. I made up an excuse about there being a family tragedy that I have to take care of, but my school let me know that I have to actually attend my lectures in person next semester to earn my credits.
I took a job waitressing at the only diner in town so I’d have some kind of money, but the majority of what I make in a single shift gets spent on my daily rent here. I barely have enough left over to buy myself groceries, and I can’t really cook anything decent considering all they have here is a single electric hot-plate that is barely strong enough to boil an egg. I must have lost five pounds since I arrived.
My dreams have turned to nightmares. Dark, horrible nightmares that seem to stretch on forever. I wake up gasping for breath and sweating my ass off multiple times before morning. And every time, without fail, those dreams contain my father and Parker.
I may only be a freshman, but it doesn’t take a psychology major to put two and two together there, does it? It’s easy to see why I’m distraught, deflated, crumbling from within. But what I don’t understand is how both of these men, men I trusted and loved, could be such cruel bastards.
Maybe I’d have to be a man to understand. Is it simply their biological urge to get as much pussy as possible? Could it really be something that simple that caused Parker to cheat on me? I guess he was actually cheating on Janice and turned me into his mistress, but that’s just a technicality at this point. In the end, he played us both.
I swallow hard and get up from bed to get a glass of water. I barely even recognize myself in the mirror. I look like a battered, disheveled version of my former self. My hair is a dry, tangled mess, and there are big purple bags under my eyes. If anyone needs an actress to play an ugly witch in a horror movie, I’m your girl. And it’s all because I don’t have him…
No. Don’t go there, Ali.
I have to force myself not to miss him. Not to want him. He betrayed me. He lied to me. He told me things about himself to make me trust him so he could hide the fact that he was in a relationship with another woman.
Was he ever honest about anything he said?
Maybe he was never a hitman with the Mafia. Maybe he was just a bouncer at a club somewhere and liked tattoos and decided to get a corporate security job because it paid better. It’s all so confusing now. I’m barely keeping it together.
I feel a pain in my hands and look down and realize I’ve been standing here gripping the corners of the sink so tightly that my knuckles are white and my fingers are red. With an embarrassed sigh, I let go, walk back over to the bed, and collapse onto my back. The stained, cracked ceiling hangs over me like it’s taunting me.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I ever believe that a man who stalked me and broke into my apartment could ever turn out to be a good guy? The truth is, I’m just as twisted as he is. I saw what I wanted to, instead of the liar I gave myself over to. Still, knowing that does nothing to ease the pain I’m feeling now.
The last two weeks have been nothing but torture. The pain is unbearable.
I thought it would have been easier. After all, I left him before he could leave me.
It makes sense, given what I’ve been through. But did I make the right decision? Should I have given Parker a chance to explain? Maybe there’s another side of the story that I missed out on by acting so quickly. For crying out loud, I don’t know Janice. What reason do I have to believe her?
So she knows his address. So what? She works with him. She could have found out through the office. Or maybe she’s been stalking him too, just waiting for the right moment to strike. And then, when she saw him with me, she just snapped.
“That would make sense…” I say to myself out loud. But am I just being optimistic?
I glance over at my phone and bite my lower lip.
I blocked Parker’s number before I even got my things out of my apartment, and I’ve had him blocked since. And if I’m being truthful with myself, it’s been a nightly struggle not to unblock him and see if he calls me.
I’m sure as hell not going to call him first.
Every day I leave for work, I keep expecting to hear his footsteps behind me. To feel his arms wrap around my waist as he chuckles victoriously into my ear and tells me he’s been stalking me since I left home and that I’ll never be able to get away from him. That we’re bound to each other.
But every day I’m disappointed.
Every day I am alone.
Why do I even want that to happen? Parker pulled a gun on me. Threatened me with a knife twice . If anything, I should have called the police on him weeks ago.
But I didn’t.
I sank deeper into his world and gave myself over to him.
And I was happy. I was more than happy. I was overjoyed. Wrapped in layers of sunshine and bliss like a butterfly ready to emerge anew from its chrysalis. But now that I’ve retreated back into myself, all I feel is a cold, dark void of sorrow and vacancy. I have to face facts.
I love Parker.
No matter how hard I try to deny it, that’s the truth.
But does he love me? Did he ever?
I glance back over at my phone again. It’s like it’s pulling at me–daring me to unblock him. That deep ache in my chest I felt for him hasn’t gone away. It hasn’t even begun to subside. If anything, it’s grown stronger, like a hook embedded in my heart, tied to a long, invisible line that’s constantly reeling me in like a fish thrashing wildly, fighting to escape.
I want him to find me.
There. I admit it.
Even though I know I’m making a huge mistake, I reach over and unblock his name in my phone, and before I can even set it back down again, it begins chiming with a non-stop string of alerts. They just keep coming, one after the other.
My heart jumps, and my lips twist up in the corners.
I look down and see an endless chain of texts from Parker, stretching all the way back to the night I left.
Where are you?
Ali, you’re scaring me.
Did you leave me? Please, tell me why.
I’m worried. Just let me know you’re safe.
I know it’s wrong, but a warm feeling soaks into my heart as I scroll through two weeks’ worth of texts. It’s clear he’s hurting, and I feel bad about that, but him expressing desire for me like this…
It makes me feel just like I did before when he would watch me from across the street. Or when he would sneak into my bedroom at night.
Even just through texts, Parker has the ability to make me feel like the only girl in the world.
Please text me.
I love you…
You’re scaring me.
Are you okay?
I’m nearing the end when the phone shakes in my hand.
Incoming Call: Parker.
I nearly drop it as I quickly ignore it. If he knows he’s been unblocked, he’ll never stop.
Please, just tell me if you’re alive.
I can feel his anguish through his texts. I feel suddenly awful. This is all my doing. I could have handled this like a mature adult and broken up with him, but I just ran off and left him wondering what happened. That’s no way to treat someone.
Janice was lying, baby…
His text causes my heart to leap.
I knew it!
The phone rings again, sending a jolt through my body like an electric shock. I stare at his contact name, fighting an internal war with myself over which course of action to take. I know the right one. I know the decision I need to make, but it’s just not that simple…
“Do it,” I mutter at myself. “You know you want to.”
One more ring and it’s going to go to voicemail.
But Parker knows now that I’m alive. My phone actually rang and didn’t go straight to voicemail. Not answering now would be even more cruel.
So with the deepest of breaths, I slide my thumb across the glass of my screen and take the call.
I lift my phone to my ear but can’t find the resolve to say anything.
We sit in the most terrifying silence before Parker finally speaks.
“Ali…?”
His voice is hollow and shaky, nothing like the Parker I’m used to. He almost sounds sick, or like he’s been taking shelter in the cold for days. His despair spears straight through my chest, and my eyes snap shut as I retreat back into myself.
“Parker.”
“You’re alive.” I can hear the immense relief in his voice as he takes a deep breath. “Thank God. Where are you?”
My rational mind knows I shouldn’t tell him. But I’m not being rational right now. I can’t be. Not with him. My instincts have taken over. My lust. My desire. Everything driving me now is innate. And the truth is, I am desperate to be back in Parker’s arms.
“Illinois,” I tell him. “Where are you?”
“In front of your apartment.” He coughs, and I hear the sound of boards moving as he shifts around. “Where I’ve been waiting for you…”
Tears well up in my eyes.
Look what I’ve done to him.
“Five hours,” I say as I grab my things and slip into my parka. “I can be there in five hours. Can you wait that long?”
“Don’t toy with me, Ali,” Parker replies as I step out into the rain. “We both know you’re not coming home.”
“I am, Parker. I am.”
He says something back, but his voice is too low to hear as the rain pours down on me and I slip into my car. “What?” I shout. “What did you say?!”
Click.
The call goes dead.
“Shit,” I curse as I peel out of the motel parking lot. I dial his number again, but this time, it’s me that gets sent straight to voicemail.
“Parker, don’t shut me out,” I cry into the phone. “I’m coming back. Stay where you are. I promise I will see you soon!”
The door to the vacant house across from my apartment is hanging open, ready to fall off its hinges. I pull up out front and double-park as the rain crashes down like it’s the End of Days.
The water doesn’t bother me as I step out and race into the building.
In a moment, I’ll be seeing Parker again. That’s all that matters.
The stack of boards where I hid the sensor is gone, and it’s nearly pitch-black inside. The only light I see is a shaft of glowing blue spilling out of a doorway leading right off the hall. My heart is absolutely quivering in my chest as I take a deep breath and prepare myself for what I might find when I step through that door.
I’ve been thinking about this moment for the last five hours as I drove and thought I was at least semi-prepared, but when I enter the room and see Parker curled up on the floor in a fetal position, I realize just how unprepared I was.
A sob chokes in my throat, and I rush quickly to his side, tears streaking from my eyes and blurring my vision.
“Parker!” I cry, rolling him onto his back. “Parker, baby!”
The last two weeks have taken their toll on him. I’ve definitely lost weight, but Parker looks like he hasn’t been eating at all. He’s all veins and sinew, dehydrated with a full beard. And when he opens his eyes, I see they’re streaked and bloodshot.
“Ali…?”
Pain fills my stomach. This is all my fault.
“Yes, baby,” I sob. “It’s me. I’m back.”
Parker growls, waves a dismissive hand in the air, and rolls away from me. “Seeing things…” he mutters. “Seeing things again…she left me…Ali left me…”
“No!” I yelp, tugging his shoulder, forcing him to face me. “It’s me , Parker! I came back to you. I never should have left. I’m so sorry!”
Sorrow and confusion fill his face as he blinks away the fog of the hell he’s been living in these last two weeks and looks up at me. And despite the dirt, despite the shaggy beard and the hollowed-out eyes, I see the man I love there looking up at me. My heart swells with joy, and the whole world narrows into a single angle of perception containing only him.
“I never cheated,” he rasps, reaching out to touch my cheek like he’s still not sure if I’m real. “Janice…she was lying. She had to have been stalking me too–”
I nod quickly, smiling as tears pour down my cheeks. “I believe you. I should have given you a chance to explain.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not,” I sigh, caressing his face with my hand. “I need you, Parker. I know that now. Maybe I always knew it. I was just so afraid–”
“You never need to be afraid of me, Ali,” he says, forcing a pained smile. He needs food. Water. Real sleep.
“I know that now,” I reply. “And we won’t be without each other ever again.”
“Never again,” Parker repeats, a light igniting in his eyes as he smiles up at me. There he is . The man I fell in love with. A few meals, a shave, and sometime in the bed with me and he’ll be back to his old self.
“Then come on, you old dog,” I tease. “Let’s get you out of this place and somewhere nice and warm and dry.”
“Promise me you’ll never leave my side again, baby,” he says, the need so clear in his voice. “Never for the rest of our lives.”
I nod as I help him to his feet.
“I promise, baby,” I tell him. “I’m not going anywhere.”