Chapter Ten
If You Let Me
Livia
There is this euphoric kind of Zen that comes with jewelry making.
At first, everything requires focus and attention. I have to pick out all the jewels, chains, beads and fasteners. I have to lay everything out, plan, measure, get my tools set. My hands are shaking a bit as I get started, knowing one little mess up could mean starting all over again.
But somewhere in the middle, all that focus fades, and I find a rhythm.
It’s like meditation, the methodical repetition of crafting a gold chain or linking beads or setting jewels. It’s one of my favorite parts of the whole process, one of the reasons this craft became so much more to me than just a hobby.
I felt that kind of Zen now — post-orgasm high, a glass of wine in my hand and my feet kicked up on the couch next to Carter.
Zamboni was curled up next to me, his head in my lap, and I stroked the fur behind his ears absentmindedly as he snoozed.
I wore one of Carter’s t-shirts that I’d stolen from his bedroom closet, and I savored the smell of it as I sipped the wine.
Cedar wood. Bergamot. Mint.
I told myself it was just a little observation. It definitely wasn’t me pulling the fabric into my fist and closer to my nose. I most certainly didn’t inhale it with a little smile, either. And it was just out of necessity that I also pulled on a pair of his boxer briefs.
I just wanted to be comfy.
A car backfired somewhere nearby, and Zamboni’s head popped up, his ears alert before he let out a little bark. I soothed him with another pet, patting my leg for him to lay back down, but the bark was enough to make Carter stir.
He was right where I’d left him, on the other side of the couch with his legs spread wide.
He was slumped into the cushions, his head resting against the back.
I’d cleaned him up and covered him with the thickest blanket I could find, and there was a fresh glass of water on the table next to him, ready for when he woke.
Carter groaned a little as he came to, squeezing his eyes shut before he blinked repeatedly and maneuvered to sit up. He ran a hand through his hair and over his short beard before his eyes found mine, and a slow, sleepy smile spread on his face.
I ignored the way my heart jumped at the sight, at how my own lips curled up to mirror his.
“How long have I been out?”
“Just an hour.”
“An hour?!” He shook his head. “Jesus, woman. You quite literally fucked me to sleep.”
“Technically, a toy fucked you to sleep.”
“You were the one driving.”
I chuckled, still petting Zamboni as I nodded to the glass of water beside him. “Drink.”
Carter followed my gaze before picking up the glass and downing half of it. It was then that his eyes took in the sight of me, and he groaned, setting the water back on the table before he turned to face me.
“Liv… you’re wearing my shirt.”
I hiked the hem of it up to show where the navy-blue fabric of his briefs hugged my thigh. “These, too.”
He shook his head, hands reaching for me like he couldn’t help himself. He slid one hand roughly up my leg all the way to my hip. “I didn’t think it was possible to get turned on again tonight, but…”
A zip of something unfamiliar flittered through my stomach, but I laughed it off, laughed him off as I pressed a hand to his chest and pushed him back to where he was sitting before.
Carter sighed heavily, but then he started petting Zamboni’s back legs, his lazy gaze on me. “That was fun.”
“Was it?”
“I mean, it was absolute fucking torture, but it was also fun.”
I smirked. “My favorite kind of play.”
“I have no doubts.”
“And what did we learn?”
Carter groaned. “A quiz already?”
I just sipped my wine and arched a brow, waiting.
He sat back farther, still petting his dog as his brows folded in concentration. “I need to be in control. I need to set the pace, give her permission to relax, and show her I want her in every possible way.”
“Amen.”
“And if all else fails, treat it like a game.” He pointed at me. “That really worked for me. When I started thinking about it being overtime and everything riding on me holding it together, I could push through and resist.”
I chuckled. “You are such a boy.”
“And you are one hell of a woman.”
I chewed the inside of my cheek against a smile, tapping my wine glass and nodding toward his water in a silent request to finish it.
When he did, he relaxed more into the couch, smiling at where I was still idly petting behind Zamboni’s ear. “I can’t believe how fast he took to you.”
“Well, the little brat did owe me, since he ruined my shoes at Mia’s wedding.”
“I’ve just never seen him obey… well, anyone. Me included.”
I smiled, running the back of my finger along the smooth bridge of the pup’s nose.
“We were only allowed to have one dog growing up — and it was my mother’s dog.
She was a poodle, stubborn and hyper as hell.
But my mom trained her to be obedient and made sure my sister and I followed suit.
She didn’t want anyone undoing her hard work. ”
“Did you ever want a dog of your own?”
“Oh, all the time. But I was never deemed responsible enough.”
Carter frowned a little at that. “What about when you moved out of your parents’ house?”
I stilled, swallowing with a mouth that felt full of sand. “I had other things to focus on when that time came.”
A heavy silence fell over us. I sipped my wine and stared at where we were both petting Zamboni, and just when I was ready to call it a night, Carter spoke.
“Are you going to go?”
I barked out a laugh. “Wow. Okay, I think the next thing we need to work on is post-sex etiquette.”
“No, no,” he said hurriedly, sitting up straight. He let out a laugh that mirrored mine before he shook his head again. “Sorry, I should have provided context. I don’t want you to go, as in leave here. Hell, you can stay all night.”
“I won’t be staying.”
“I make pretty amazing French toast, just saying. I could spoil you in the morning.”
“I’m more of an omelet for breakfast girl. And the two mil you’re paying me is spoiling me enough.”
“Good thing I have eggs. And cheese. And veggies. Also, what exactly are you using that money for?”
“None of your business, Rook. And I’m not staying the night.”
“Suit yourself,” he said on a shrug. “But what I meant by my question was… are you going to go to your sister’s wedding?”
All the playfulness slid out of me like grease down a drain, sticky and thick and out of place. I tilted my wine glass toward my lips before deciding I was done with it, the liquid suddenly too acidic now.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
“Will she be mad if you don’t?”
“She’ll be heartbroken if I don’t go,” I said, lifting my eyes to meet his. “But I’ll be gutted if I do.”
Carter’s brows tugged together. “I don’t understand.”
“No one does. No one but me.”
I went to stand, but Carter caught me by the elbow, his grip gentle but commanding. He waited until I turned to look at him.
“That sounds lonely.”
My nostrils flared. “Yeah, well… I like it that way.”
“You said your family cut you off,” he said carefully. “What does that mean, Liv? Is that part of why you agreed to this deal?”
“Alright,” I said, smacking my hands on my thighs. “Share and tell is over.”
“I don’t think it ever started.”
Carter’s words made me pause before my body heard the cue from my brain to attempt to stand again. His eyes flicked between mine for a moment, and then with the balls of a man married to me, he slid his hand up my arm and into my hair, pulling me until I had no choice but to follow.
He tugged me toward him and bent until his forehead hit mine, and he took a deep breath, letting it out like he was exercising more restraint than when we’d been playing earlier.
“You don’t have to do it alone… whatever this is,” he said, wetting his lips. “I can go through it with you. If you let me.”
I closed my eyes, tears stinging behind my lids like foreign predators. I didn’t recognize them. They scared the shit out of me and yet I was also highly intrigued by them.
I was highly intrigued by a lot of things that came out of Carter Fabri’s mouth.
It was tempting, to lean into his touch, into his promise, to lose myself and let someone else carry the weight with me for a while.
But it was like trying to get a fish to fly.
I just… couldn’t.
I patted his chest with a forced smile, pulling back until there was a good foot between us. “I think it’s time for me to go.”
Carter deflated, but when I stood, he hopped up, too — along with Zamboni, who went from snoring to wide awake and alert, tail wagging like we were about to take him to the park.
“Wait,” Carter said, wrapping the blanket around his waist. I arched a brow at the motion before smirking at him. He acted like I hadn’t just been on my knees with a perfect view of every inch of what he was covering now.
His cheeks flamed a little, like he was remembering, too.
“I have a request for my next lesson.”
“Oh?”
He nodded. “A date.”
My brows crested into my hairline.
“Every step of a date,” he clarified. “Getting you to agree to one and all the follow through.”
I wrinkled my nose, gathering up my clothes and making my way to my purse. “I don’t know, Rook. That’s less my forte.”
“Come on,” he said, right on my heels. “You know what works and what doesn’t. Just because you don’t go on dates doesn’t mean you don’t understand them.”
Ouch.
That hurt.
I didn’t mean to pause when he said the words, but I did — hand hovering over the handle of my bag for just a split second before I lifted it and hooked it over my arm. I slipped my boots back on, and Carter stopped his pleading long enough to trail my ensemble with an appreciative gaze.
“This is some look you’ve got going on right now.”
I ignored him. “Sure, whatever. We can practice a date.” I held up one finger. “But it’s on my terms, and this is the only time we do anything outside of the bedroom.”
“Yes, Mommy.”
Without warning, Carter swept me into his arms. He wrapped me up tight, his warmth enveloping me as he scooped and lifted until I was up on my toes.
And then he kissed me.
He inhaled at the touch of our lips, his smiling against mine, and I pressed my hands into his chest.
But I didn’t push him away.
I kissed him back, a little unbidden moan breaking free when he slid his tongue inside to taste mine. My arms were around his neck before I gave them permission to be, and when I finally found sense to pull back, it was with both of us panting, our foreheads tilting together.
“Did I say you could kiss me?” I tried, but with my heart racing and breath labored like it was, it sounded like a kitten’s meow more than the jaguar’s growl I was aiming for.
Carter smirked, gently moving my hair from my face and sweeping it over my shoulder. “I was just reading the signs.”
I swallowed, a sharp and violent reality slap ringing my ears.
I could feel it happening, my grip on control failing me like wet hands trying to hold fast to a pull-up bar.
Panic flared in my chest. My heart tripled its pace.
But I caught myself just before I teetered over the edge.
“Yeah, well, you read wrong,” I said, shoving him back. “No kissing me unless I explicitly give you permission. Understand?”
Carter’s expression was laced with concern now. “Liv, I didn’t mean—”
“I’ll wash your clothes and give them back to you at our next lesson. Goodnight.”
I was out the door and shutting it firmly behind me before he could respond.