Chapter 2 #4
Two weeks after Josh’s and my beautiful lovemaking holiday, I was missing him like crazy, crying by night, depressed by day.
I lost five kilos in two weeks and had bags under my eyes.
I didn’t leave my room except to go to school.
This pain was self-inflicted. Both Josh and I knew he was going to America for four years shortly after our holiday.
We knew we had no future together. That didn’t make it any easier, and we had had no contact.
My tender teenage heart was utterly devastated.
I came home from school one afternoon to find the house in uproar. It was one of the few times I heard my father swear. As I opened the door my father yelled at my mother, “What the fuck does that boy think he’s doing?”
I stopped mid-step as I was slowly heading down the hall. I heard my mother talking way too fast while pacing. I slowly walked into the kitchen and looked at the two of them, raising my eyebrows.
“What’s going on?” I whispered to my mum.
Dad was on the phone. “Good god, he’s gone fucking mad,” he yelled.
I frowned. “Who?” I mouthed at Mum.
“Joshua,” she replied.
Oh shit, this can’t be good, what happened? Do they know? Am I next? I quietly made myself a cup of tea as I listened to the conversation.
“He said what? And then what did you say?” He listened. “And did you tell him that’s ridiculous? Surely he can’t be serious?”
“What?” I mouthed to Mum again.
“Joshua seems to think he’s fallen in love with a girl from Sydney and he’s not going to America.”
My eyes widened. Holy shit. “How do you know this?”
“I’ve been on the phone to Margaret all day on and off. He seems to think he’s transferring to Sydney Uni, apparently to be near this girl.”
My father hung up the phone. My eyes were the size of saucers.
“Who is she?” I whispered.
“Some fucking idiot, no doubt,” my father snapped. Shit, he was really mad. “He’s known her for two frigging weeks, and he’s throwing away an internship at Apple. This is the opportunity of a lifetime; he will never get this chance again.”
I sipped my tea in silence while my parents continued their outrage.
I asked my mum, “Why is America so important?” I was genuinely interested.
“Josh developed an app as a hobby; it was a carb counter for diabetics.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“It has ended up being used all over the world. It had to be tweaked a bit, but doctors and hospitals are using it to educate diabetics.”
“What’s an app?” I asked.
“It’s the way computers are heading, something to do with Apple computers, new technology stuff.”
“Oh,” I murmured. “I had no idea.”
“No, and Joshua doesn’t get it. He gave this technology away but if it were designed on the market it would be worth millions.”
My mouth dropped open. “Millions,” I repeated.
“Yes,” said my mother. “Steve Jobs, the founder of this organization, has personally invited Joshua to come and work with him.”
“Who’s Steve Jobs?” I asked.
“He owns Apple, he’s one of the smartest, richest men in the world.”
“And he wants to work with Josh,” I replied. Suddenly, the very serious ramifications if he didn’t go became all too obvious. My dad nodded and I raised my eyebrows. “Shit,” I whispered.
“Exactly.” My father nodded. “Joshua is going to throw his whole future away for a girl he hardly knows and in twelve months down the road will leave anyway.”
“You don’t know that,” I snapped.
“True.” My mother nodded. “But if she did love him, surely she wouldn’t let him give up this chance. He can’t be that stupid, can he?” she muttered to herself as she rubbed her forehead.
I wandered out into the backyard and sat on the back step idly patting Sadie, our cocker spaniel.
Shit, this was heavy. I knew I was the girl and part of me wanted to jump off the step and punch the air.
He’d missed me, he did love me. I was thoroughly thrilled with myself and trying to stifle the huge grin threatening to cover my face when the phone rang again.
I walked to the door to listen to the conversation.
“Well, where is he now? Well, find him, go out and find him and then what did you say? What? He’s going to marry this bimbo…
for heaven’s sake…he said what? …Good god, he’s lost his fucking mind…
yes, I know…hang on, I will see. Natasha, have you heard from Josh?
” I shook my head. “Yes, you’re probably right, they are close.
If he rings you, tell him to ring home, everyone is frantic.
” I nodded in agreement. “Seriously, Robert, if you have to get on a plane and kick his ass all the way to America, you do it; he can’t screw this up. He will thank you in years to come.”
My elation was very quickly turning to shit.
I went into my room, shut the door and threw myself on the bed.
Shit, Josh, this is extreme. I jumped up suddenly to check my phone to see if he had rung me.
No, nothing. Poor Josh. All that pressure and now he’d taken off.
Maybe I should ring him? I checked my phone again, still nothing.
I hoped he was OK. This was a total fuckup, shit, what was I going to do?
I started to pace in my room, shaking my hands as if they were cold.
Should I ring him? Maybe, no he didn’t need my interference.
Three hours later I was so worried I had started dry retching. I was really starting to freak out. My parents were waiting up to hear if he had been found. It was 12:50 a.m. when I heard my mum’s phone receive a text message. I bounded down the hall.
“Thank god.” My mum smiled. “He’s home. We can all go to bed now.
” She put her arm around me and led me to the hall.
“He’s safe.” She smiled. I hauled my sorry ass to bed.
That night I didn’t sleep. I knew deep in my gut what I had to do if I truly loved Josh.
I needed to set him free so he could carry on with his life’s work, but should I tell him the truth?
No, then he would make the decision for me.
I knew if I was in his position, I could never leave him.
I wouldn’t have the strength. What if he did stay?
Would we last? This I didn’t know. I needed a crystal ball.
My dad was right. He would fuck up the rest of his life.
The cold hard reality was we couldn’t have a future together, not in our family’s eyes. Oh, what to do, what to do.
At 5:00 a.m. I came to a heartbreaking decision. I knew what to do and it turned my stomach just thinking about it.
The next day I faked sickness to get the day off school. My parents went to work, and I started to pace again, waiting for his call. At one o’clock my phone rang. It was Josh—he thought I was on lunch break. I braced myself.
“Hi,” I answered.
“Hi baby,” he said happily down the phone. Oh shit. “Have you missed me?” he asked.
“Where are you?” I asked.
“At home. I have news,” he announced, and my heart sank. “I’m coming to Sydney tonight.”
“Why?” I whispered quietly.
“To see you. You didn’t answer my question, have you missed me?”
“Have you?” I whispered again, my voice too hoarse to speak.
“So fucking much I can’t stand it. I think I’ve come up with a solution though. We will talk about it tonight. Pick me up. What time should I book the flight for?”
I stayed silent and closed my eyes…silence again.
“Natasha, what’s wrong?” His voice betrayed his worry. I stayed silent. “Baby, are you OK?” he asked quietly.
“Not really,” I whispered past the golf ball-sized lump in my throat. He didn’t know that I knew about his so-called solution…again silence….
“Why aren’t you OK?”
“It’s complicated,” I whispered.
“Tell me tonight. We will work it out. I’ll book the flight and text you the details. I’ll be there soon.” This was it. I knew to save his future I had to hurt him and rip my heart out in the process, but again I stayed silent, unable to talk without breaking into full-blown sobs.
“Josh, you can’t come to Sydney.”
“Why?” he whispered. “Why not?”
“It’s not a good idea.”
He stayed silent. This time I could almost hear his brain ticking. “I need to see you,” he snapped.
“No, Josh, you can’t.”
“Why not?” He was getting annoyed.
“I don’t want to see you.” I covered my mouth with my hand so he couldn’t hear my chest quivering with unshed tears.
“You don’t want to see me?” he whispered.
“No, Josh, I don’t,” I lied again. While I closed my eyes, he stayed silent for a minute.
“I don’t believe you,” he yelled. “Have my fucking parents been in your ear?”
“No,” I lied again.
“You know, don’t you?” he snapped.
“Know what?” I acted innocent.
“I’m coming to get you, whether you like it or not,” he yelled.
I started to cry, holding my stomach because the pain was unbearable. I dropped to my knees on the lounge room floor and closed my eyes, trying to catch my breath as I stabbed the final knife into my already broken heart.
“I’ve met somebody else.”
“What?” he yelled, making me jump. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he screamed down the phone. “Two weeks, it’s been two fucking weeks and you’ve met someone else?”
“Yes,” I sobbed. He stayed silent. I knew I’d broken his heart as well as mine and I was now on my hands and knees on the floor. Again, silence.
In a deathly voice he asked, “Have you slept with him?”
I could hardly answer. How could he even think that? My chest was breaking. “Yes,” I sobbed.
He made a guttural noise, and the phone went dead.
He had hung up. I collapsed into the fetal position on the floor, knowing he was probably on the floor like me.
I was a cold heartless bitch; how could I say that?
My heart was broken, my chest hurt. I was crying so loudly I was sure the neighbors could hear me.
I stayed in bed for a week, unable to eat and hardly able to keep anything down, while my mother doted on me, thinking I had a stomach bug. I lay motionless, staring at the ceiling. I had no tears left.