Chapter 21 #4
“Christopher, we are over, and I have a new boyfriend. This is inappropriate.” I go to walk off and another of Christopher’s friends comes over and puts his arm around me.
“The beautiful Natasha, we have missed you.” I smile as I try to hurry the conversation along, but I can’t be rude.
It’s another ten minutes before I return to our table to find Josh missing.
I take a seat and eat his untouched chocolate cake.
After what seems like an eternity Josh is still not back, I start to feel a little unsettled and start to look around for him.
To my horror he is slow dancing with Tatiana.
What the hell? Is this a joke? He looks totally smitten and she is grinding herself up against him, not that he looks like he minds.
He wants a reaction from me and I am definitely not giving him one.
I probably deserve him to be pissy, but this is going too far.
What will I do without causing a scene? I must admit seeing Christopher tonight has rattled me.
It’s made me realize how many people my relationship with Joshua has caused hurt to, myself being the main victim.
I have to get out of here before the dam bursts.
I’m going to leave. I pack my bag up and am just about to stand when Christopher comes over to the table.
My heart drops again, he looks determined.
“I want another chance.”
I close my eyes. “That’s impossible, Chris. I am in love with someone else.”
He glares at me. “Who? That douchebag who’s dancing with the stripper?” My eyes drop in embarrassment. I’ve got no answer to that. He’s right; Josh is acting like a douchebag.
“That’s him,” Joshua snaps. Oh shit, where did he come from? “Not that it’s any of your business who I dance with.”
Christopher rolls his eyes. “Go back to your whore, pretty boy.” Joshua runs his tongue over the front of his top teeth and glares at Christopher. Christopher returns his angry gaze.
I start to panic. “Chris, just go, please, I don’t want any trouble.”
He grabs my hand. “Please, Tash, I need another chance. I can’t get over you.
I’m totally fucked.” Joshua stands back and waits for my reaction and I can feel the fury emanating from him.
This is the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had, breaking my ex-boyfriend’s heart in front of my new boyfriend.
“Christopher, please, you know why we broke up. Our feelings aren’t mutual. You deserve better, Chris. I’m sorry, I’m not that girl.”
He pulls a disgusted face at me. “You make me sick, Natasha.”
Josh steps forward. “Careful,” he growls.
Christopher turns to him. “Has she told you that she loves you yet?” Josh continues glaring at him but doesn’t answer.
“I take it that’s a yes.” Christopher laughs.
“You poor bastard. You’re next. I met up with the ex-ex-boyfriend the other day and she did the same thing to him.
Expresses undying love and then poof…up and left without as much as a hint of guilt.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you, mate. She’s the fucking ice queen. ”
Joshua glares at him and I grab his hand. “Take me home, Josh.” He nods.
“When your fucking heart is broken into a million pieces remember this warning,” Christopher snaps.
I’m appalled. I have never been so embarrassed.
Is that true, am I an ice queen? Hot tears start to run down my face as we walk down the outside steps toward the car.
Josh opens the door and I get in and break into full-blown sobs.
I have hurt two beautiful men because I was too selfish to let them go, knowing all along in my heart that I could only ever love Joshua.
Josh gets in and starts the car in silence, not looking at me.
We drive in silence for fifteen minutes.
I continue to cry and put my hand on Josh’s leg for comfort and he picks it up and flicks it off his leg. I frown at him.
“Am I fucking next, Natasha?” he screams.
“Huh, what are you talking about?” I sob.
“It seems to me there is a pattern here. You’ve already broken my heart once. Is that it? Or are you planning on doing it again? You make men fall madly in love with you and then…” He shakes his head, unable to articulate his words.
“What’s with dancing with that girl tonight, Josh? Are you trying to send me insane?” I snap.
“Who are you kidding? You didn’t even care I was dancing with her; you were too focused on your ex.”
I roll my eyes and my tears start again.
“Don’t start with the fucking waterworks. If anyone should be crying it’s me. I already know what’s coming for me as soon as you get bored. You will leave me just like that and move on to your next victim,” he yells.
“I would never leave you. You know that!” I scream.
“You already left me and I’m still not fucking over it,” he screams back.
I wipe my eyes angrily with the back of my hands. “Don’t you dare throw that in my face. I broke up with you for you. I had to save you from yourself; you were going to give everything up to be with me and I loved you too much to let you do it.”
He pulls up out the front of my building. “So, what’s the excuse with the other poor bastards? I suppose you had to save them from themselves?”
I glare at him. “I broke up with them because I was still in love with you. You asshole. God knows why.” I get out of the car and slam the door.
He is hot on my heels. I look over and see the two bodyguards wisely staying in their car.
God, what must they think? It’s like frigging Jerry Springer around here.
We enter the lift and I hit the button, he stays silent, his arms crossed in front of him, glaring at me.
We get to my floor and he gets his keys out and opens the door.
I storm in and head straight for my therapy of choice, a boiling-hot shower, and he follows me.
“Get out!” I scream.
“No!” he screams back. He sits on the floor outside the shower and I turn my back to him.
“Why are you so mad at me? I’m the one who’s mad,” he snaps.
I frown. “I’m mad because you think you know everything about me and you know nothing.
I’m mad because you dare even compare our relationship to any others I have been in.
I’m mad because I have given you the best years of my life and you throw it in my face continually.
” I can’t help it, I break into full-blown sobs.
“How in the hell have you given me the best years of your life? We only just got back together.”
Oh my god. I grab a bottle of shampoo and hurl it at him. “I said, get out!”
“No. Why is our relationship so different to others? You’re talking shit.” He blows out a breath as he links his hands on top of his head.
“You really want to know? Do you?” I scream.
“While you were whoring around the United States of America, I was here waiting like the absolute idiot that I am. I have never slept with anyone else, Josh. You’re the only man I’ve ever let make love to me.
” He sits back, stunned. “So, when you dare compare what we have to the platonic relationships I had with other people, I find it insulting.”
His eyes widen. “I don’t understand.”
“No, you wouldn’t, because you’ve slept with anyone with a pulse.” I start crying again, frigging hormones.
“Why haven’t you slept with anyone else?” He really is stupid.
“Because I belong to you, Josh. My body belongs to you and I could never betray you. When I said that I loved you, I meant it. Unfortunately, my love has had to be unconditional, because you never loved me with the same depth that I loved you. I told you once, once, that I slept with someone else and you believed it, and you never came back for me. That’s not love, Josh.
Trust me I know love, you have no fucking idea.
Every goddamn morning my Google alert would tell me about the tenth girl you slept with that week.
And I, being the stupid fuck that I am, would cry myself to sleep every night missing you and still deny myself the intimacy that you got from everyone else.
Because I couldn’t betray you!” Hearing myself state the pathetic truth hurts and I slump to the floor and burst into full-blown sobs.
It’s true. I have given him the best years of my life and he doesn’t love me the way I have always loved him.
He showed me that tonight on the dance floor with that girl.
Joshua
My god! I’m shocked. Surely, this can’t be true.
She sits on the bottom of the shower sobbing.
I have never felt like such a total prick in my life.
It’s true, I have fucked my way around the United States…
and she’s never…. I put my hand over my mouth.
I feel sick to my stomach. Tears fill my eyes, but I quickly blink them away.
It’s not…possible…is it? I don’t deserve her.
Brock is completely right; she is out of my league.
My eyes flick back to her as she sits hysterical on the bottom of the shower.
What do I do? How in the hell can I ever make this up to her?
And here I am accusing her of planning to break my heart when I’ve been breaking her heart all along.
I walk into the shower fully clothed, drop to the floor and pull her onto my lap.
“Baby, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I gently kiss her forehead; her chest is racking with sobs.
We have put each other through hell. My denial of intimacy with another woman.
Her denial sexually with another man. My heart breaks as I watch her sob in despair.
I don’t know what to say, I feel helpless.
The lump in my throat is back. Why in the hell are we related?
I close my eyes in pain. We deserve an easier path.
I have never felt such deep regret. I have always loved her, but deep down I couldn’t forgive her for betraying me and now I find out that she never… . God, what a mess.
“Precious, why didn’t you tell me? When we got back together, you didn’t tell me.
” She continues crying and doesn’t answer me.
We sit in silence for fifteen minutes as she continues crying.
I’m so fucking angry with myself I could punch a hole in the wall.
The feeling of raw guilt brings bile to my stomach.
“At first, I didn’t want you to be easy on me…sexually,” she whispers.
My eyes widen. “Oh god, did I hurt you?” My stomach drops as I remember how hard I was on her the first few times, and I close my eyes. FUCK. What’s wrong with me? I should have been able to tell.
“And then I was embarrassed to tell you,” she whispers.
I frown. “How could you be embarrassed to tell me that? It’s the most fucking perfect thing I have ever heard!
” She slowly calms down as I continually kiss her forehead.
“Come on, baby. Let’s get you up and dressed.
” I stand and take my wet clothes off, then I wrap her in a towel. She’s distraught. I’m such a fuckup.
She looks up at me. “I love you, Josh.” A lump in my throat forms and I am unable to speak. It happened the other night in the hotel too. The sound of Natasha’s voice. Hearing her speak those words. It makes me weak.
“I…I love you, Tash. I never stopped. Please forgive me. I will never doubt you again.”
She reaches up and runs her hand down my stubble. “Don’t leave me,” she whispers with tears in her eyes. Unable to speak, I shake my head and bend to take her lips tenderly in mine.
Seven years…seven long years…I’ve waited for this and now I realize the sick truth is that I’m undeserving of her love.
My heart breaks. It’s been five days since we got back together.
Five days she has taken to break down my defenses and I have never been more in love in my life. I’m in serious trouble.