Chapter 23 #2
He narrows his eyes as he listens.
“How much do you love her?” he asks as he takes another drink.
I break into a full smile as I shake my head.
“Man, the sun sets with her. I’m done. This is all I want; all I’ll ever want.
The last seven years have told me that.” He listens and I can see him thinking as he watches her dancing with his daughter.
I raise my eyebrows, waiting for him to speak, and when he doesn’t, I ask the question. “Spit it out. What do you want to say?”
“I just don’t think….” He stays silent. I frown as I try to work out what he is saying. “I just think I love Maria too much. I couldn’t let her sacrifice so much to be with me.”
I frown as I try to work out his meaning. “What do you mean?” I ask.
“She has to give up her job, her family, her friends and her country to be with you.”
“I know but I told her after five or ten years we could come back here.”
“Are you really prepared to take motherhood from her, Josh?”
I frown. My eyes shoot to Natasha who is now wading in the pool with Bridget and the three girls.
“Josh, you know you two can’t have children together, right?”
My heart drops. “What do you mean?” I ask, panicked.
“Josh, it’s crossbreeding. You can’t do it. The children will end up sick.” My eyes widen as I take in the information he has just given me. My eyes flick to Natasha again. Why in the hell did I not think of this before? Fuck!
“Look, I don’t know, man. It’s none of my business. But you had better be sure before you strip her of everything is all I’m saying.” He looks at me deadpan and takes another swig of his beer and I know he is completely serious.
Maria comes over and grabs Sean by the hand.
“I’m stealing my husband, Joshua.” And with that she drags him away.
I sit still, stunned to my core. I am so fucking stupid.
My heart drops as I watch Natasha’s uninhibited laughter, like she doesn’t have a care in the world.
She deserves better than I can give her, all the money in the world cannot replace motherhood or her family.
I close my eyes and consider the serious ramifications for her if we stay together.
In years to come I know she will regret the choice to give up a family to be with me—anyone in their right mind would.
I’m not worth the sacrifice. Not with my baggage.
She should be with someone like…Christopher.
He can give her what I can’t. He still loved her, and they weren’t even sleeping together.
Pain lances through my chest as I realize she is better off with someone else, someone for whom she would not have to sacrifice.
Someone who I know would look after her.
Someone who loves her as much as I do. Her words come back to haunt me.
I had to save you from yourself, baby, you were going to give everything up to be with me and I loved you too much to let you do it.
I put my head in my hands as I think. I honestly don’t know if I can do it.
I’m not strong enough to walk away. Am I?
Natasha
On the way home I am holding Josh’s hand on my lap. “Are you tired, baby?” I ask and his eyes flick to me and he frowns. “You hardly ate any dinner and you’re so quiet.”
He smiles a shy smile at me. “Yeah, I guess I am.” He picks my hand up and kisses the back of it. His eyes are then on the road and he is deep in thought again. What is he thinking about?
“Do you think your friends liked me?” I ask nervously.
He smiles broadly at me. “There isn’t a person on earth who wouldn’t like you, Tash.”
I smile. “Except for your mother,” I tease.
He bursts out laughing. “Yes, she is the exception.” He rolls his eyes.
We get home and I get into the shower and Josh stays in the kitchen and puts the kettle on.
Twenty minutes later I get out of the shower wondering where my shower buddy got to, fully expecting him to be asleep on the lounge.
I look up the hall from my bedroom and I see Josh pacing in the lounge room with both hands linked on the top of his head.
He does that when he is upset. I’ve seen him do it before.
What’s the matter with him? What is he thinking about?
He seems worried about something. I stand in the hall watching him.
I have to say he’s acting strange. I walk out as I continue drying my hair.
“Josh, what’s wrong?” His eyes search mine. “Are you sick?” He pulls me into an embrace and kisses the top of my head. “I love you, Natasha, you know that, don’t you?”
I smile and nod as I kiss his chest, what is this about? “I love you, Josh, you know that, don’t you?”
He smiles nervously and nods. “Sit down, Presh, we need to talk.”
“OK, what about? Are you going to take me to Pound Town, my beautiful Lamborghini?” I raise my eyebrows as I go to drag his shorts down, but he stops me. His face drops and he looks like he is about to burst into tears.
I frown. “Josh, what is it? You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”
He swallows and goes to speak but nothing comes out and he closes his mouth again.
“I, I just have a head…headache that’s all,” he stammers.
I smile a big smile at him. “You big dope, why didn’t you tell me? I will get you some aspirin.” I jump up and return with a glass of water and his tablets and he pulls me down onto his lap and cuddles tightly.
“Bed, baby,” I demand. “I can’t stand seeing you like this.”
As I lie in bed four hours later, I am achingly aware that Josh is wide awake next to me thinking about something.
I can hear his mind ticking from here. Something has happened today, something that has upset him.
Maybe he spoke to his mother on the phone and is upset about it or maybe his friends didn’t like me.
I don’t think that is it, though. I can’t put my finger on it but being a psychologist sucks sometimes.
I wish I couldn’t read people so well or try to analyze why they are thinking so much.
He said he had a headache, and I should just believe him.
Unfortunately, a tiny voice deep down in the pit of my stomach is telling me something is seriously wrong with my beautiful man and it’s a problem that he doesn’t want to share with me. Maybe tomorrow will bring new light.
I woke alone this morning, no note left from Josh and it is now four o’clock in the afternoon and I haven’t heard from him at all today, which is very unusual.
He hasn’t left while I slept since we started seeing each other seriously and it has left me feeling uneasy all day.
I called him to see if his headache was alright, but he didn’t answer or call me back.
He has usually called me at least a couple of times or texted me long before this.
I walk outside to my car in between my patients to try and find Max. I find him sitting in the park.
“Hi, Max.”
He smiles and nods. “Hi, Natasha.”
“I was wondering if you know if Joshua is at work today.”
He looks uncomfortable. “I believe so, ma’am.
” He nods. Hmm, what in the hell does that mean?
He’s obviously not sick, yet he hasn’t called me back.
Maybe he’s getting cold feet about our relationship.
I try to calm my nerves and the sick feeling in my stomach.
I hate depending on someone so much and we have come too far to be playing games now.
“Thank you, Max.” I march back inside with renewed purpose and ring Adrian who answers on the first ring.
“Hi, Tash.”
“Hi,” I snap. “Can you put Joshua on the phone, please?”
He stays silent and after a minute whispers, “Sure, baby, I will get him.” I hear him hold his hand over the phone and walk into Josh’s office. “It’s for you.”
Then I hear Josh’s angry voice snap, “Stanton.” I stay silent as I listen to the anger in his voice. What in the hell is going on with him?
“Josh, it’s me.”
He inhales and I can hear he’s shocked that I have tricked him by ringing Adrian’s phone.
His voice softens. “Hi precious, are you OK, baby?” He’s not angry with me, I can hear it in his voice.
“What’s going on? Why haven’t you called me back?” He stays silent. “Josh, I asked you a question. Answer it.”
“Natasha, I’m very busy. I can’t talk.”
“Don’t you dare very busy me. What the fuck is going on?” He stays silent and I know I have shocked him with my screaming anger. “What time are you coming over tonight?” I ask. Again, silence. OK, I am getting seriously pissed off now. Who in the hell does he think he is? “Answer my question.”
“Tash, I have to work tonight, I’m not coming over.” Now it is my turn to stay silent. He doesn’t want to see me—my stomach drops. “Tash, just…just know that I love you and I only want what’s best for you, OK.” I frown, he’s talking riddles. What is that supposed to mean?
“What’s best for me, Josh, is to not be away from you.” “That’s debatable,” he whispers.
“Just come over when you finish work and we can work it out baby, OK?”
I can hear him thinking. “Bye, Tash.” And he hangs up the phone.
It’s twelve o’clock and I am wide awake, heartsick but awake.
Joshua hasn’t called me or come over and I am beginning to think the worst. If I wasn’t waiting for him to come over, I would be driving around spying on him.
Where is he? What is he doing? And what has changed so dramatically between us that he can’t talk to me and tell me what’s going on?
I hear the key in my door, and I lie still with my heart trying to pump through my chest. He came.
He fusses around in the kitchen for a few minutes and I hear him put his keys and wallet on the side table. I’m not angry anymore, I’m