8. Eight
Eight
February 2018 - Four Years Ago
Connor Kelly
Me: Free tonight?
Fee: Got a family dinner. You ok?
Me: Yeh, all good. Just thought I’d check on the off chance.
Fee: Hmm… what you not telling me?
Me: How do you do that even over text?
Fee: Skillz. Now spill.
Me: It’s really not a big deal, still on for Sunday night?
Fee: Shit, it’s your birthday or something, isn’t it?
Me: It’s Niamh’s birthday.
Fee: You’re twins knobhead -_-
Me: Can’t believe you called me a knobhead on my birthday :o
Fee: 2am, barn?
Fee: PS Happy Birthday… to your sister ;)
Fee: Just kidding. Don’t be mad. See you tonight then?
Me: You sure you can get away?
Fee: I’ll make it work babe, see you later birthday boy xx
I arrive at the barn at ten minutes to two. A few weeks ago, I stashed a bag here with some warm clothes and blankets because even with wolf heat, it’s pretty fucking cold. On my run here, the ground had already frosted over, crunching beneath my paws.
As is routine now, I spread the blankets over the hay on the ground and wait for Fee to get here. I’m scrolling through my phone when Fee’s big chestnut head pokes through the door. I chuck some joggers and a hoodie at him, and he shifts back in time to catch them in his hands.
“In lieu of an actual birthday present, because someone didn’t tell me the date, my presence will have to do as a temporary gift,” Fee announces.
“What if we make it my only gift? I don’t need anythin’.”
“Oh, okay, in that case, I’ll save the birthday blow job for next year,” he says, looking smug.
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I wouldn’t want to, you know, take away your opportunity to suck my dick when you’ve clearly put a lot of thought into it,” I say, unsuccessfully holding back a big grin.
“Always ready to fall on your sword, aren’t you, babe?” He winks at me.
“More like always ready to fall on your sword.” Blanketing me with his big body, we both crack up. The sound of his rumbling laughter, bursting freely from his chest, makes my stomach do somersaults.
Shuffling out from underneath Fee’s deadweight, I sit with my back to the wall. Fee eventually arranges himself, so he’s straddling my thighs, and we’re face to face.
“Happy birthday, baby,” he says before licking up the side of my face.
“Ugh, gross.” I wipe his saliva off my cheek with my sleeve. “You clearly need to keep your mouth occupied.” I waggle my eyebrows suggestively. He seems to contemplate it, looking down at my crotch before responding.
“I was thinking...” he says.
“Don’t strain yourself.” My response earns me a lord give me strength look.
“As I was saying, I was thinking since it’s your birthday, I could try and bottom for you?” He speaks quickly, obviously nervous about the idea. Digging my fingertips into the peachy flesh of his bum, I pull him closer towards me so our lips are almost brushing.
“As much as I think the idea of bein’ inside you is very fuckin’ hot, I don’t think you really want that, do you?” I ask gently. A dark blush spreads over his cheekbones.
“Maybe. How can I know for sure when I haven’t tried it yet?”
“Fee, I once stuck a finger in there mid-blowjob, and you said it felt like you needed a shit. It clearly didn’t do it for you, and my dick is quite a progression from my index finger,” I reply, chuckling at his determined expression. “I love you, I love that you wanna do this for me, but I don’t want you to do somethin’ you don’t really wanna do. Especially not as some gesture for my birthday. If you couldn’t tell by the copious orgasms, I am a very big fan of you fuckin’ me.” I plant a soft kiss on his lips, and he lets out a little huff.
“I know, I just worry sometimes.” He looks down as though he’s embarrassed, and my heart rate picks up. I didn’t realise there was something to be worried about. Frankly, out of the two of us, I generally assumed I’d be the one doing the majority of the worrying.
“What's on your mind?” The few seconds it takes for him to reply feels like the longest pause in the history of pauses.
“It probably sounds stupid. I just don't want you to wake up one day and realise being with me isn't worth all the hassle.” I open my mouth to tell him that's not even a possibility, but he holds up his hand and continues. “What if you meet someone vers so you don't always have to bottom, and they're not related to enemy number one, so you can be with them out in the open?” He looks at me with those big, soft brown eyes that I’m a total goner for. I take a moment to gather my thoughts and work out exactly what I want to say.
“I love havin’ you all to myself. I’m a twin, I’ve shared everythin’ my whole life, and I like that you’re only mine. Seeing you is always the best part of my week. Nobody makes me laugh like you do; nobody makes me feel as safe as you do. Honestly, I really hope one day, things change enough that we can claim each other in public. If need be, we’ll be the ones to make that change. I’m not worried I'm missin' out on anythin’. Everythin’ we’ve ever done has felt good for me, so maybe ask me before you start makin' wild assumptions about whether I’m satisfied, okay? I'm not goin' anywhere.”
“Okay.” He nods.
“Great, so where did we end up landing on the whole, you givin’ me a blow job then?” I say teasingly, trying to lighten the mood.
An hour or so later, we’re both lying on our sides, facing each other under a blanket. Fee’s fingers make gentle patterns on my naked back.
“Hey, when's your birthday?” I ask. His hand abruptly stills on my back. Burying his face in the crook of my neck, he mumbles against my skin. “What was that?”
“September 26th…” Fee repeats loud enough for me to hear this time but keeps his face hidden.
“You little shit,” I shove him lightly so I can see the sheepish look on his face.
“I forgot?”
“Mhmm. Sure you did. I guess I owe you a blowjob then.” He glances down at his spent dick.
“Maybe give me half an hour first?” We both crack up laughing before I return to smushing my face into the light dusting of hair that covers Fee's chest.
“Did you mean it when you said you’d want to claim me in public one day?” Fee asks over the top of my head. I shuffle a bit so I can see his face.
“Of course I meant it. Don’t you want that one day?”
“Every time we’re together, my teeth ache with the need to mark you. Sometimes, I wonder if we went ahead and mated, our families wouldn’t have a choice but to eventually get over it.” I’m shocked by what he’s suggesting because there’s a high possibility we’d both end up expelled from our packs if we mated without permission. But it’s also more complicated than that, and I know I need to come clean.
“There’s somethin' I need to tell you, but I need you to fully hear me out before you react, okay?” I ask him.
“Okay...you’re starting to freak me out; what is it?” I take a deep breath, and I really hope he loves me enough to get past this.
“So you know my best friend, Will? I’m sure I’ve mentioned him before.” He nods slowly. “Uhm, we’re sort of promised to each other,” I blurt out.
“You’re what?” Fee raises his voice slightly and sits up. I move to mirror his position, keeping us face-to-face while I try to explain. His eyes are wide with shock.
“Just hear me out, okay, please?” I beg him.
“Have you been engaged to someone else the entire time we’ve been together?”
“We’re not exactly engaged, it’s complicated. I promise I’m not cheatin' on you, and I’m not cheatin' on him. You know how my pack doesn’t have much money? Well, Will’s family does. He has four parents. Both his mums and his dads were mated, so they had Will together. One of Will's mums is from old money, and all four of them are big on status. They joined our pack when Will was eight, and he’s been best mates with me and Niamh since then.
“Nothin’ has ever happened between us, not even a kiss, but when we were sixteen, money got really tight, and Will’s mums agreed to give the pack a pretty hefty lump sum of money, but only if my da promised me to Will. They really wanted their son to marry into the Alpha’s family. I didn’t get any say in it at the time, and I’ve never intended to go through with it, I promise. I just haven’t found a way out of it yet.” Fee looks shell-shocked by my revelation, and I can’t say I blame him.
“When are you meant to marry him?” he asks in a choked voice.
“Once we’re both twenty-one, but I’ll find a way out of it by then,” I promise, and I mean it. I know I’ll never feel that way toward Will. “I love you—only you. I really hope you believe me.” I reach out and cup his cheek with my hand, using my thumb to wipe a tear that's slipped free of the soft, brown lashes framing his soulful eyes.
“That’s a lot to process,” he whispers.
“I know. I wanna give you time, but please don’t give up on me?” I ask, my own eyes welling up.
“I don’t think I could give up on you if I tried,” he says with a sniff and a tentative smile.
“I’m all yours, Fee; if you try to run, I’ll track you down and stick to you like a limpet.” This earns me a small chuckle from him, breaking some of the tension.
“Yeah? Get over here and limpet me then.” I waste no time crawling onto him and wrapping my arms and legs tight around him, and when he hugs me back, a weight has been lifted. I know this isn’t fixed by any means, but keeping this secret from Fee has been eating away at me, and it’s a relief to have it all out in the open.
“I want you to know that if things were different, I would mate with you in a heartbeat. But right now, if we went behind my da’s back, I’d be cut off from the whole pack, including my family. We’ve already lost our mum; I can’t do that to them,” I say, hoping he understands.
“I know. I just wish it was different. It’s so stupid we have to keep this a secret because fifty years ago, two Alphas fell out over something, with zero proof, might I add,” Fee says, exasperated. “I hate that you’re promised to someone else.” He sounds deflated.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s fucked up. But we’ll get there one day—I know we will.” I try to reassure him. “Our brothers will be Alphas one day; maybe we start laying the groundwork with them for some kind of long-term peace agreement to be put in place when they take over?” I suggest.
“I started having those conversations with Jasper back in July.” He sighs deeply, but I don’t reply because there’s nothing to say. So much of this is beyond our control.
My obnoxious phone alarm wakes me up at nine am the following day. I didn’t get home until five, and I’m grateful to my past self for booking today off work.
I jump in the shower before heading downstairs because the more attached I get to Fee, the more paranoid I become about us getting caught. Whenever I see him, I stop by a small stone house with an outside tap on my way home. In the winter months especially, I can’t say I particularly enjoy blasting myself with icy cold water. Still, it's better than risking anyone from my pack catching his scent on me. The second morning shower is more of an extra precaution, even going so far as to use some horrendous mint shower gel that makes my balls sting and my eyes water, but it seems to do the trick.
When I walk into the kitchen, I make a beeline for the kettle. Our house is an old Victorian terrace. On the bottom floor is an open-plan kitchen with a large farmhouse-style dining table.
Up one floor is Da’s study and the living room, which is where I find my brother and sister, coffee in hand. Niamh peers up at me from the book she’s reading; she’s curled up on the sofa under a blanket.
“Mornin', Con, taken today off?”
“Yeah, figured I had the days to use up, earned myself a post-birthday lazy day,” I reply, smiling at her. Niamh has been my best friend my whole life; the guilt of lying to her by omission has been eating away at me these last few months. I can feel the distance between us like an ocean of my own making.
“Same. I’m already bored, though. There’s a Van Gogh exhibition in Manchester today if you fancy it?” I hate that she feels she has to ask because six months ago, she would have just demanded I go with her.
“Sure, what about you, Sammy?” I ask my older brother, who’s sitting in the armchair on his laptop.
“Huh?” he replies.
“Me and Niamh are gonna head to Manchester for the Van Gogh exhibit if you wanna join?” I’m really hoping he says yes because I’m pretty sure a whole day of only Niamh and me and the truth will erupt from me like lava from Vesuvius.
“Oh, no can do. We found a Campbell wolf on our land last night, so dealing with the fallout today,” he answers, sounding both distracted and frustrated. My heart rate spikes and my palms are sweaty as I panic over whether it could be Fee. Could he have followed me here for some reason? I need to calm my nerves before he or Niamh notices.
“That’s annoyin'. Who was it?” I ask, trying to sound nonchalant, but I can sense Niamh’s eyes boring into the back of my head.
“Some fifteen-year-old pup gettin’ too big for their boots, I think,” he replies, and my shoulders sag in relief. Definitely not Fee—thank fuck.
I’m sitting on the other end of the sofa to Niamh, scrolling on my phone when Sam leaves the house, the front door slamming loudly behind him. I wait a few minutes to ensure he’s not forgotten anything.
“Sammy sounded pretty exhausted by the whole Campbell wolf being on our land thing, don’t you think?” I ask Niamh, and she puts her book down on her lap.
“Yeah, I suppose so. Probably feels like puttin' out a bunch of pointless fires.”
“Do you reckon when he’s Alpha, maybe he’ll attempt to bring an end to the conflict?”
“Doubtful. Da’s been grooming him to take over as Alpha his whole life, leading a turf war included,” she says. My stomach twists painfully. That wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear.
Five minutes later, I realise Niamh is still staring at me; I can tell she’s building herself up to interrogation. I have a feeling that when she realises I’ve texted Will to hang out with us today, she isn't gonna be happy. Not that she doesn’t love Will, but she’ll see it for what it is—an avoidance tactic.
“Con, I know you’re hidin' something from me.” Straight to the point, that’s Niamh.
“Oh yeah, what am I hidin’ from you?” I try to keep my voice even.
“Don’t treat me like I'm thick. What I was going to say was, I’m assuming there’s a good reason why you haven’t told me because you’ve never kept secrets from me before.'' I swallow loudly. “But I need to know if I should be worried?” she asks, eyes shining with concern for me. Ugh, I feel utterly rotten for making her worry. I can’t tell her the truth, but I can’t lie either.
“It’s for the best you don’t know, okay? But you don’t need to worry, I promise.” It’s a half-lie. If she knew the truth, she would definitely be worried.
“Okay,” she says, putting a surprisingly quick end to what I expected would turn into an inquisition. “I’ll let Will know he can hang out with us today then.” She’s smiling now.
“He’s such a snitch; he texted you?” I say accusingly.
“Of course he did. What? You think because he’s your future husband, he’s always on your side? Will would probably stab you if I asked him to.” She’s got a smug look on her face. I’m relieved we seem to be back to normal, but her reminder about Will has my stomach in knots. I can't help but picture Fee’s face as I broke the news to him last night.
“Thanks, that’s very reassurin',” I say sarcastically.
“And then he ran into my knife,” she replies in a bad American accent.
“He ran into my knife, ten times,” I add on with an equally terrible impression. “You should really spend less time watching Chicago; it always leaves you a bit too stabby for my liking.” We’re both laughing, and I forgot how much I missed this. It occurs to me that if my relationship with Fee is going to continue—and I really hope it does—I have to find a way to stop the secrecy from driving a wedge between me and my family.
Standing in front of Bedroom in Arles at the Van Gogh exhibit, Will comes over and rests his head against my shoulder. I wrap my arm around him instinctively, but I feel a pang of guilt in my gut. Wolf shifters are tactile in nature, and Will is especially. I’ve never really thought twice about it, but now I wonder if I’d be doing this if Fee was here? Not that he can be here, but still.
How would I feel if he had his arm wrapped around someone else?
Pretty feral if I’m being completely honest with myself.
Dropping my arm from his shoulder, I step away and search for Niamh, who went looking for a bathroom around ten minutes ago. My attempt at putting some physical distance between us clearly goes unnoticed by him since he catches up to me in a second and puts his hand in mine.
“Thanks for inviting me today,” he says, squeezing my hand. The statement reminds me of how little time I’ve been spending with him and Niamh recently. The three of us have been inseparable for most of our lives, but I’ve been pulling away from both of them.
“You don’t need to thank me. I’m glad you could come,” I reply, returning the squeeze of his fingers before untangling them and letting go. He smiles brightly at that, his soft rosy lips stretched wide around straight white teeth.
Will is objectively beautiful; he has curly blonde hair that always seems to fall just right and big blue eyes with full lips. Plenty of people dismiss him as nothing more than a pretty face, but he’s also super intelligent and fiercely loyal. Sometimes I wonder, if it weren’t for Fee, would I have fallen for Will eventually? He wouldn’t be hard to love that way.
I don’t, though; it scares me sometimes how much I love Fee. In many respects, my life would be simpler if we’d never met, but the thought of never knowing him makes a cold sweat trickle down my back. When I look at Will, all I see is one of my oldest and closest friends, who I will probably hurt when I find a way out of this arrangement. But my heart belongs to a big, brawny, soft-hearted boy in the Lake District, and there’s nothing I can do about it.