Chapter 16 #2
The climactic scene was the beating heart and soul of the story; the movie’s entire emotional arc hinged upon us getting this right.
Ironically, I’d once looked forward to the challenge it presented, knowing how much it would demand of me, how it would stretch and test my skills as an actress.
My performance needed to run the gamut—from shock and devastation to selflessness and resignation.
It was the acting equivalent of running a marathon and summiting Everest in the same day, and I’d spent years training for this moment.
The problem was, it didn’t feel like acting anymore.
It felt prophetic, like a rehearsal for heartbreak, a premonition of what was waiting for us outside our safe Seafolly bubble.
Who’s to say Ryder and I wouldn’t find ourselves torn apart by distance and circumstances the same way Holden and Melody were?
There were echoes of us in every line, and I wasn’t sure I could handle saying them out loud.
This scene was already going to be the hardest thing I’d ever done before my real-life feelings for Ryder got tangled up in it. But now? It felt impossible.
My apprehension was only rivaled by Nate’s excitement. “I want the emotion dialed up to eleven,” he instructed us, and dread lodged like a pit in my stomach. “More passion, more devastation. Basically, your audition but on steroids.”
Super.
I forced us to sleep separately the night before, telling Ryder I didn’t want to see him until Nate called “Action.” I needed the ache of missing him to be real, needed to lean into the feelings of abandonment and loneliness for my performance to resonate the way I wanted it to.
He didn’t argue, just pressed a gentle kiss to my lips before leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I laid awake for hours, curled around a pillow that smelled like him, and recited the same words on a loop, counting them like sheep: It’s just a scene. Not real. Just a scene. Not real.
When I arrived on set, the air was heavy and thick, the sky overcast, as if Mother Nature herself knew what was coming.
Nate walked me through the blocking: Melody would be working in the fields when Holden arrived, a young boy—his son—playing nearby.
As disbelief turned to comprehension on his face, there’d be a fraught moment of tension as Holden crouched down to introduce himself to the little boy and asked how old he was.
With the staggering news confirmed, Melody would send her son back to the farmhouse, and the two would have their long-awaited showdown.
When I first glimpsed Ryder walking down the dusty road toward me, my reaction was real.
Fear gripped me and I dropped the basket of vegetables I was holding, panic clawing at my throat, adrenaline curdling my blood.
Ryder looked equally haunted, the elated grin he wore quickly giving way to confusion, then despair.
And despite my own distress, I found myself completely in awe of his performance.
Pain bled through every expression, his face painted with regret.
It was enough to make me cry before he’d even said a word.
We filmed the scene over and over, each take more brutal than the last. Me, standing stock-still, a basket of cucumbers spilled at my feet.
Him, spotting the little boy, the math slotting into place on his face.
His features slack and shellshocked as he realizes the truth, all that he’s missed out on.
For hours, we tore each other apart, spat insults at each other, screamed, sobbed.
I sent him away over and over again, uttering words that stabbed my soul like daggers.
“You should never have come back here.”
“How could you marry someone you don’t love?”
“I love him in his own way. Maybe not the same way I love you, but he’s a good man and a good father. He was there when I needed him. He was there when you weren’t.”
“You gave up on us!”
“Me? You left and didn’t look back! It’s been five years, Holden. Was I supposed to wait around forever? Hope that one day you’d come back for us?”
“You could’ve tried harder. You sent me one letter!”
“And where were my letters?”
“I was at war! I was focused on staying alive!”
“No, you thought I’d still be waiting here, pining over you.”
“I can’t help that I didn’t get your letter!”
“You don’t think it’s hard for me, knowing half my heart is walking around out there?
I told myself you were dead because that was easier than believing you’d abandoned me.
I grieved you. And now what, I’m supposed to take our son and run away with you?
Rip him away from the only father he’s ever known? ”
“I’m his father!”
“You were once. But you’re not anymore.”
“You can’t tell me it’s over between us.
I won’t let you. I love you Melody, and I know you still love me.
Please, I’ll do anything. I’ll give you everything.
I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.
We’ll be so happy, you just have to come with me, one last time.
All you have to do is say yes,” he pleaded, just like he had so many times before.
“I can’t,” I choked out, our foreheads touching, tears soaking both our faces. “I wish I could, but I can’t. Not this time.”
And then he had to give me one last heart-wrenching kiss. A goodbye kiss.
By the time we finally wrapped for the day, I was so emotionally wrecked, my eyes so red and swollen from crying, that I’d brought on a migraine. We didn’t talk much that night, both of us subdued, Ryder massaging my head until I fell asleep.
I couldn’t imagine that anything could be worse than that day, though it seemed fate was still waiting in the wings to deal us a final blow.
In the waning weeks of shooting, Ryder and I both had family members come visit the set.
First, Kendall came to stay with me for a few days and spent a couple of them shadowing the makeup team, thanks to the offer Francesca had made months ago.
Kendall was on cloud nine, fitting right in with her team and quickly adjusting to the frenetic pace that came with keeping an entire cast camera ready at all times.
Francesca gave her a crash course in 1940s period makeup, from eyeliner trends to era-specific lipstick shades and everything in between, and Kendall soaked up every bit of it like a thirsty beauty blender.
She was so enamored by the experience, I knew it wouldn’t be long before she’d be living in LA with me and running sets of her own, which thrilled me.
Slightly less thrilling was the instant crush she’d developed on Jase, the two of them snickering like teenagers every time I turned around.
I menaced him with a warning glare, which deterred him exactly zero percent. I needed to keep an eye on those two.
I’d been dying for her to meet Ryder, and to my relief, they got along famously, like mashed potatoes and gravy.
The two of them fell into an easy rapport, and it didn’t take long for them to join forces, zeroing in on a common target: me.
Their teasing was relentless, and they took great joy in ganging up on me at every opportunity.
After dinner one night, Ryder insisted we take Kendall to the Tiki Hut, now our unofficial local haunt, where he launched into a dramatic retelling of my twenty-first birthday, complete with vivid reenactments of how I “threw myself at him.”
“Hardest thing I ever had to do was not take advantage of your sister,” Ryder told Kendall, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “Imagine the most beautiful woman in the world, dressed in only your T-shirt, begging you for a birthday kiss.”
I didn’t know whether to be annoyed by his exaggeration or flattered by the compliment. “To be clear, there was no begging,” I clarified.
“Oh yeah?” He mimed cartoonishly wide come-hither eyes, and I belted him in the chest. “I deserve a medal for my restraint.”
“Come to think of it, you really left me hanging that night,” I ribbed him. “Pretty harsh, denying the birthday girl her one wish.”
He caught me by the waist and wrapped his arms around me from behind, pinning me against his chest. “I’ll make it up to you later,” he murmured in my ear.
Kendall’s smile grew as she watched us. “You had my sister all worked up, you know,” she said slyly, chewing on her straw.
“I know that now. I thought she hated my guts.”
“I definitely hated your guts. Eep!” I shrieked, laughing as his arms tightened around me like a vise, slowly squeezing the air from my lungs. “You deserved it! You were mean to me for no reason!”
“The reason is because you insisted on torturing me by flirting with Jason right in front of me. I was convinced she had a thing for him,” he told Kendall, and I could only roll my eyes at this now-familiar refrain.
“I mean, it’s a valid concern,” Kendall interjected, noisily slurping her drink.
“It drove me half-insane. If I had to overhear one more giggle, I swear I would’ve ended up in a padded cell.”
“I was trying to flirt with you, dummy,” I said, turning in his arms and winding mine around his neck. “Took you long enough to figure it out.”
“You can punish me later,” he rumbled in a low voice, leaning down for a lingering kiss while Kendall covered her eyes.
Ryder’s mom Nora came to visit a couple weeks later, and I couldn’t lie, the idea of meeting her had me tied into knots. She was the only family he had, and I knew how close they were. Her opinion mattered a lot, and I was desperate to make a good impression.
She arrived on set straight from the airport, and as soon as we broke for lunch, Ryder rushed to greet her while I trailed behind him, heart thudding, suddenly hyperaware of my posture, my thick pancake makeup, whether my smile was too much or not enough.